CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO The Buff and the Beautiful
Eddie was real lucky - after the bone graft and havin' his arteries fixed, he was okay - no brain damage or nothin'. He had some headaches here and there, but just popped a couple of aspirin and he was fine. He is one tough cookie. There ain't nothin' in the world to him than gettin' the bad guys and he wasn't gonna let nothin' get in the way of that. We talked about it a lot over the last couple of weeks. Mr. Moneybags's boss and I hashed it out. I says I had my hand on the guy when the real bad guys came in and made swiss cheese outta him. Bank video took care of that. Here's the twist - this guy paid triple my fee. "What, ya kiddin'?" I says. "No, I'm quite sincere, and seeing that I won't be stolen from again, there are ample funds in my company's, uh, petty cash, if you will." "Uh, if I will what?" "I beg your pardon" "Ya want me to do somethin', you was askin' if I will." The big boss grinned, "no, that's an expression meaning if you will pardon the expression of petty cash." I just looked at this guy cock-eyed, thinkin' "all right, he's been through a lot, it's a free country, if he's gonna talk funny, that ain't no bearin' on me, I guess."
"Also, your partner was nearly murdered while aiding in the apprehension of my former employee, I would imagine his hospital bill must be quite substantial." "Yeah, it's a rip-off, all right."
So we both said adios and went on with things. A few days later we get some guy drop in who wants us to find someone gone missin'. He goes on about this client of his and everything, sayin' he's a real valuable asset and on and on. Turns out he manages a porno star of all things. The jist is this kid went missin' and the manager don't know where he went off to and he's all worried and all of that. He wants the two of us to find him. Okay fine, but here's the rub. Me and Eddie talked about it when the guy left, he says to me, he says he don't know about gettin' into this whole porno thing - his dad was into it, his mom threw him out 'cuz of it, then the whole ugly mess came up with him bein' in jail and comin' back to get Eddie, takin' 'im hostage and then I come along and get him the heck outta there. Just too much stuff goin' on in his head about it, so he don't think we should go and get this kid. I says to him, I says, hey, look, we're good at this sort of thing. Bein' detectives and all, we detect, we find out stuff, we get people, ya know. "I mean, come on, kid, this ain't your dad. Porno ain't to blame for what happened to ya, huh?"
EDDIE - Well, I didn't like bein' reminded of none of that stuff, ya know, but the boss-man was right after all. A guy goes missin' and we gotta go out and get 'im, wherever he's at. Nah, porno didn't do this, it was all my dad.
So, I'm talkin' to this guy about where the kid liked to hang out, everything like that, and he's tellin' me, he tells me the guy likes to work out a lot, always at the gym, gotta keep in shape to do that sort of thing, like a ball player, ya know. So I says to this guy, I says, "maybe we oughta hang out at the gym, snoop around and stuff." I finally come up with it. Eddie's gonna pretend he's another one of them porno stars and was a friend of the missin' kid, and I'm his manager, his agent, ya know, whatever the heck I am, I'm makin' like I am, ya know. He's talkin' to other guys there, askin' about 'im, sayin' that he ain't heard from 'im. Other ones are goin', "yeah, I ain't seen him neither".
EDDIE - I got real smart about this. I get some info, some personal stuff about this guy and start usin' it on the guys at the gym, 'cuz I'm makin' like I'm his buddy and stuff, kinda like Mc Guire and Sosa, we're rivals but pals, that kinda thing. The boss-man thought about puttin' the wire on me, but, hey, I gotta shower after I work out, so where's the thing gonna go, ya know? Hey, I love the boss-man, he's real aces, but sometimes he's gotta think - that's why he needs a real ace like me, ya know? After a little while, I start goin' on about who saw him last and I meet this guy there, tellin' me this suit walks in and talks to 'im a few times, really buggin' 'im. "Yeah? 'Bout what?", I says. The other guy says this one was gettin' offers to leave his agent and go do the stuff for him. "Was it more money, what was the deal?" "I ain't sure what he was promisin' the guy, but he just kept showin' up all the time, makin' like he's one of them stalkers. Both of 'em just start fightin' and all that, shoutin' at each other, so the other guy hightails it outta there, and the kid takes off after he was done workin' out and that." Then the one I'm talkin' to gets real sad like. He didn't say nothin' for a bit, then says to me, he says, "that's the last time I ever saw 'im." "How long ago was that?" "Couple weeks, maybe." All I could say was "wow", ya know. I gotta make like I'm his buddy, can't say nothin' like thanks for helpin' and that, 'cuz that'll gimme away, so I just don't say nothin'.
Later on, this suit comes in to the gym, I'm still doin' weight liftin', runnin' that kinda thing and he follows me to the locker room. I ain't thinkin' nothin' 'bout it, just he's gonna work out, too. He slams me up against the locker, tellin' me to stop yappin' 'bout this buddy of mine. "Hey, this ain't none of yer business, see, if he wanted you to know where he went, he woulda told ya, so back off, right?" That struck me real odd, ya know. Real funny thing. I called the boss-man, this wasn't gonna wait til I got back home - it couldn't.
So then Eddie describes the guywho threatened him and I'm thinkin' "he's gotta be the one. Maybe this kid was yanked off the street. Man, I'm gettin' a bad feelin' about this one." So I says to Eddie, "I'm gonna start hangin' out there more. What if he makes a grab for you, too? Somethin's up, man, I dunno." "We still goin' ahead with this?" "You better believe it, pal. Guys like us, we're guys who got honor, we keep with somethin' til the end." So then more time at the gym. Hey, one thing, this kid is really gettin' good - not about the askin' around, but, see, he was pretty hot before this, but since he's been at the gym every night, AW BABY!, huh? Hoo-Boy he's really turnin' into somethin'. But anyways, we're at the gym, he finishes his stuff, hits the showers and.....holy smoke salmon, still can't think of it. That's when Eddie disappears on me.
EDDIE - I got outta the shower, headin' to the locker room, not thinkin' nothin' 'bout it, then I get this rag on my face. "Holy samoleons - chloroform". It only works when ya breathe, so I struggled and held my breath, somehow yanked myself free, then really gave this guy the business. I punch his lights out, send 'im flyin' across the room, then run to get the heck outta there, when I'm grabbed by another guy, stronger than me, and stuff. He's got my arms all locked up in the back, he's got his hand over my mouth so the boss-man can't hear me screamin' or nothin', then the guy I punched out gets back up and takes out a crossbow gun and shoots an arrow right into my left pec. Aw, man, I'm in way too much pain to scream, my mouth just pops right open. I start to weaken and my captor releases his grip, so I try to pull it out, see, and I just freeze up with my hand still clutching the arrow. I look right at my assailant, scream "holy alamo" and I fell to the ground. That's the last thing I remember until...
MIKE - While I'm waitin' for Eddie, I'm talkin' to some guy out in the lobby. Naw, naw, naw, it ain't nothin' like that. Just a kid who knows about me, wants to know what detective work is like and I give it to 'im straight. I stood with my legs spread eagle, wringing my fist in my other hand, squintin' my eyes, grittin' my teeth, for emphasis. "I'll tell ya what it's like", I says, "it's all about solvin' the crime. That's da only thing that matters in this world. Ya gotta be on your toes, leave no stone unturned, don't rule nothin' out, don't be afraid of askin' nothin'. It's what ya don't find out that's gonna come bite ya. It ain't all the glamor people think it is. It's non-stop, sunup to sundown. Ya gotta eat, sleep and breathe it. Your life is not your own, it's up for grabs the minute ya flash that badge. You take a look at this body of mine. It's really seen some roughin' up." I then leaned in a little closer, grabbin' a stool, hoistin' on leg up, restin' my arm on it as I'm pointin' to this guy. "I get punched, kicked, scratched, stabbed, burned, conked, shot. I don't let that get me - I come back, I fight back, I bounce back and I am back. Ya get your feet wet, ears dry, nose clean, ass covered, eyes and ears open. At the end of the day bad guy's in the pokey, client sleeps like a baby, always with a shake of the hand, a smile on the face, a thank you outta the mouth. That's the life God give us and that's what ya gotta live for, my friend." I snap my fingers and slap one hand with the other. I get up, put my hands on my hips, throwin' my coat open a little, and it flows in the back, just like a cape. When I'm on the case, I am a caped crusader, I am Batman, I am the Shadow, I am a hero. A hero with a sidekick.
I then thought about Eddie, what was takin' him so long. I had to go investigate. I went to the showers. Nothin'. No water runnin', nobody in there. I checked the locker rooms. "Hey, ya ready, pal?" I saw somethin' comin' at me, slammin' my chest, I go down. It's an arrow. I'm paralyzed. I was conscious enough to try crawlin' over to Eddie, who was out like a light, hoisted up on some scumbag's shoulders. "Whaddya think you're doin'?" Then I fell out. That's the last thing I remember, until...
"Also, your partner was nearly murdered while aiding in the apprehension of my former employee, I would imagine his hospital bill must be quite substantial." "Yeah, it's a rip-off, all right."
So we both said adios and went on with things. A few days later we get some guy drop in who wants us to find someone gone missin'. He goes on about this client of his and everything, sayin' he's a real valuable asset and on and on. Turns out he manages a porno star of all things. The jist is this kid went missin' and the manager don't know where he went off to and he's all worried and all of that. He wants the two of us to find him. Okay fine, but here's the rub. Me and Eddie talked about it when the guy left, he says to me, he says he don't know about gettin' into this whole porno thing - his dad was into it, his mom threw him out 'cuz of it, then the whole ugly mess came up with him bein' in jail and comin' back to get Eddie, takin' 'im hostage and then I come along and get him the heck outta there. Just too much stuff goin' on in his head about it, so he don't think we should go and get this kid. I says to him, I says, hey, look, we're good at this sort of thing. Bein' detectives and all, we detect, we find out stuff, we get people, ya know. "I mean, come on, kid, this ain't your dad. Porno ain't to blame for what happened to ya, huh?"
EDDIE - Well, I didn't like bein' reminded of none of that stuff, ya know, but the boss-man was right after all. A guy goes missin' and we gotta go out and get 'im, wherever he's at. Nah, porno didn't do this, it was all my dad.
So, I'm talkin' to this guy about where the kid liked to hang out, everything like that, and he's tellin' me, he tells me the guy likes to work out a lot, always at the gym, gotta keep in shape to do that sort of thing, like a ball player, ya know. So I says to this guy, I says, "maybe we oughta hang out at the gym, snoop around and stuff." I finally come up with it. Eddie's gonna pretend he's another one of them porno stars and was a friend of the missin' kid, and I'm his manager, his agent, ya know, whatever the heck I am, I'm makin' like I am, ya know. He's talkin' to other guys there, askin' about 'im, sayin' that he ain't heard from 'im. Other ones are goin', "yeah, I ain't seen him neither".
EDDIE - I got real smart about this. I get some info, some personal stuff about this guy and start usin' it on the guys at the gym, 'cuz I'm makin' like I'm his buddy and stuff, kinda like Mc Guire and Sosa, we're rivals but pals, that kinda thing. The boss-man thought about puttin' the wire on me, but, hey, I gotta shower after I work out, so where's the thing gonna go, ya know? Hey, I love the boss-man, he's real aces, but sometimes he's gotta think - that's why he needs a real ace like me, ya know? After a little while, I start goin' on about who saw him last and I meet this guy there, tellin' me this suit walks in and talks to 'im a few times, really buggin' 'im. "Yeah? 'Bout what?", I says. The other guy says this one was gettin' offers to leave his agent and go do the stuff for him. "Was it more money, what was the deal?" "I ain't sure what he was promisin' the guy, but he just kept showin' up all the time, makin' like he's one of them stalkers. Both of 'em just start fightin' and all that, shoutin' at each other, so the other guy hightails it outta there, and the kid takes off after he was done workin' out and that." Then the one I'm talkin' to gets real sad like. He didn't say nothin' for a bit, then says to me, he says, "that's the last time I ever saw 'im." "How long ago was that?" "Couple weeks, maybe." All I could say was "wow", ya know. I gotta make like I'm his buddy, can't say nothin' like thanks for helpin' and that, 'cuz that'll gimme away, so I just don't say nothin'.
Later on, this suit comes in to the gym, I'm still doin' weight liftin', runnin' that kinda thing and he follows me to the locker room. I ain't thinkin' nothin' 'bout it, just he's gonna work out, too. He slams me up against the locker, tellin' me to stop yappin' 'bout this buddy of mine. "Hey, this ain't none of yer business, see, if he wanted you to know where he went, he woulda told ya, so back off, right?" That struck me real odd, ya know. Real funny thing. I called the boss-man, this wasn't gonna wait til I got back home - it couldn't.
So then Eddie describes the guywho threatened him and I'm thinkin' "he's gotta be the one. Maybe this kid was yanked off the street. Man, I'm gettin' a bad feelin' about this one." So I says to Eddie, "I'm gonna start hangin' out there more. What if he makes a grab for you, too? Somethin's up, man, I dunno." "We still goin' ahead with this?" "You better believe it, pal. Guys like us, we're guys who got honor, we keep with somethin' til the end." So then more time at the gym. Hey, one thing, this kid is really gettin' good - not about the askin' around, but, see, he was pretty hot before this, but since he's been at the gym every night, AW BABY!, huh? Hoo-Boy he's really turnin' into somethin'. But anyways, we're at the gym, he finishes his stuff, hits the showers and.....holy smoke salmon, still can't think of it. That's when Eddie disappears on me.
EDDIE - I got outta the shower, headin' to the locker room, not thinkin' nothin' 'bout it, then I get this rag on my face. "Holy samoleons - chloroform". It only works when ya breathe, so I struggled and held my breath, somehow yanked myself free, then really gave this guy the business. I punch his lights out, send 'im flyin' across the room, then run to get the heck outta there, when I'm grabbed by another guy, stronger than me, and stuff. He's got my arms all locked up in the back, he's got his hand over my mouth so the boss-man can't hear me screamin' or nothin', then the guy I punched out gets back up and takes out a crossbow gun and shoots an arrow right into my left pec. Aw, man, I'm in way too much pain to scream, my mouth just pops right open. I start to weaken and my captor releases his grip, so I try to pull it out, see, and I just freeze up with my hand still clutching the arrow. I look right at my assailant, scream "holy alamo" and I fell to the ground. That's the last thing I remember until...
MIKE - While I'm waitin' for Eddie, I'm talkin' to some guy out in the lobby. Naw, naw, naw, it ain't nothin' like that. Just a kid who knows about me, wants to know what detective work is like and I give it to 'im straight. I stood with my legs spread eagle, wringing my fist in my other hand, squintin' my eyes, grittin' my teeth, for emphasis. "I'll tell ya what it's like", I says, "it's all about solvin' the crime. That's da only thing that matters in this world. Ya gotta be on your toes, leave no stone unturned, don't rule nothin' out, don't be afraid of askin' nothin'. It's what ya don't find out that's gonna come bite ya. It ain't all the glamor people think it is. It's non-stop, sunup to sundown. Ya gotta eat, sleep and breathe it. Your life is not your own, it's up for grabs the minute ya flash that badge. You take a look at this body of mine. It's really seen some roughin' up." I then leaned in a little closer, grabbin' a stool, hoistin' on leg up, restin' my arm on it as I'm pointin' to this guy. "I get punched, kicked, scratched, stabbed, burned, conked, shot. I don't let that get me - I come back, I fight back, I bounce back and I am back. Ya get your feet wet, ears dry, nose clean, ass covered, eyes and ears open. At the end of the day bad guy's in the pokey, client sleeps like a baby, always with a shake of the hand, a smile on the face, a thank you outta the mouth. That's the life God give us and that's what ya gotta live for, my friend." I snap my fingers and slap one hand with the other. I get up, put my hands on my hips, throwin' my coat open a little, and it flows in the back, just like a cape. When I'm on the case, I am a caped crusader, I am Batman, I am the Shadow, I am a hero. A hero with a sidekick.
I then thought about Eddie, what was takin' him so long. I had to go investigate. I went to the showers. Nothin'. No water runnin', nobody in there. I checked the locker rooms. "Hey, ya ready, pal?" I saw somethin' comin' at me, slammin' my chest, I go down. It's an arrow. I'm paralyzed. I was conscious enough to try crawlin' over to Eddie, who was out like a light, hoisted up on some scumbag's shoulders. "Whaddya think you're doin'?" Then I fell out. That's the last thing I remember, until...
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