CHAPTER THIRTY SIX - The De-Programming of Eddie

So that's what this whole thing is about. My ex-boss-man turns Christian, kidnaps some porno star, knowin' I'll be in on the case, nabs my boy, turns 'im into some freakin' Stepford Wife. He was one of the best dicks in action I ever saw. When I worked for 'im, I hated 'im, but respected 'im at the same time. Then he takes off, becomes this stupid Christian. Not that Christianity is stupid, but what the hell does this guy think he is? He's always had a swelled head, but now he's just applyin' it in this direction. He's gettin' back at me, somehow. Stealin' my boy. He's gotta go down and I'm the guy that's gotta put 'im there. I gotta get my boy back. We get back to my place and me and Bobby pace back and forth, hopin' some idea will pop up and we can go back and burn this bastard but good.

Bobby pipes up, "hey, Mike, talk to me about that guy back there, the Trenchcoat Detective". "He ain't no Trenchcoat nothin' anymore", I snarled. "Nothin' against you, kid, you've been doin' good here, but this is a fight between him and me, I figure. This guy is evil through and through. The thing of it is, he thinks he's doin' good, but maybe that's what he wants us to think. He's tryin' to make us out to be the bad guys, just 'cuz we're together." We pace back and forth again. Bobby stops and slams his fist into his hand and says, "wait, hold up. Ya
think he's tryin' to convert you, ya know, usin' Eddie and Dickie as a ruse just to get you to cross over, like? Maybe you can head 'im off, tellin' him you ain't interested." "Nah, there's no way to talk to these guys once they get their heads in that way. Nah, talkin' ain't gonna do it. Takin' 'im down is the only thing." More pacin' - Bobby pipes up again, "I wanna take this guy down, too, but ain't that what he wants, too?" "Whaddaya mean?" "I mean, these fanatics are all about martyrdom. He used to be a dick, he's used to throwin' his life down for a cause. Just like you to do, now." "Now wait just a sec, there. I didn't get into this 'cuz I had a death wish. I grew up hatin' these scumbags and I wanted to help rub 'em out, send 'em all up the river where they belong. All of this danger and stuff is just icin' on the cake, just somethin' that adds to the excitement of it all. Cuz without danger, the game grows cold. But that ain't why he got into it, neither." "This might be a longshot, but what are the odds that this guy just misses you and wants ya back, but just not as you used to be." "Well, if that were true, and I dunno one way or the 'nother, flatterin', yeah, but nah, I wouldn't go back to 'im. The main thing that attracted me to 'im in the first place was 'cuz he was the most macho guy goin' around. That's what got me Eddie, he saw me in the papers and it turned 'im on, and all." "You say ya love 'im, right?" "Of course I do, he's my life, why on earth would you question that?" "What if you weren't dicks? What if you met him the way ya saw 'im today? Would ya still go for 'im?" "Holy geez, you're really givin' me pause, kid. Truth is, I dunno. I never thought of it, 'cuz Eddie's always been who Eddie is."

I took a minute to think all of this over. Memories flash back and forth. The punches he threw, the leaps into action, the fist-slammin', spread legs, the clothes, the great sex, the right combination of cologne, cotton and a little bit of sweat. The perfect boy. Would I like him any other way? Of course I knew what the answer was, the answer is no. "No, Bobby, I would've looked 'im over for a bit and just moved on. Yeah, he's still a good-lookin' kid, but there was nothin' in his makeup to say he's goin' around dressin' like a preacher. Nah, Eddie's never been nothin' like that before, so that's not him back there in that maniac's house. That ain't Eddie Robinson back there. I don't know what the hell that is, but it ain't him." "Yeah, he did look pretty warped, not like the gym bunny I remember at work. Jesus, Mike, I know you've seen 'im like he was, all scanty clad and all of that. I loved it when he was liftin' weights and the sweat on his flesh, the veins poppin' out, the breathin'. He even breathed like a hottie. When he hit the showers, I used to imagine what he mist look like. No wonder you're so into him, Mike. If you ain't been around, I woulda tried my hand at him, too."

I went up and put my hands on his shoulders, looked 'im right in the eyes and said, "if Eddie ain't been around, and you come along, punchin' them guys out in the alley back there, you woulda been it, too. I can't apologize enough for what went on this mornin'. I been thinkin' 'bout that all day." I take my hands off, but he puts 'em back on, then starts huggin' me. "Nah, no need to back away. I like that. Ya really know how to touch. I know it wasn't Eddie you was thinkin' 'bout when we did it. I also know ya can't go with me all the time 'cuz you're in love with 'im. I think it's beautiful and I can't wait til I get the same kinda thing for myself. But, for the time bein', if ya wanna...." "Maybe, just maybe, Eddie lives in guys like you, like Mike lives in a bunch of other guys like me. Eddie's just a name tagged on to whatever it is you boys use to get us hot. Maybe I could love you as much as him." We kiss some more, Bobby kinda giggles, "yeah, what's funny?" "Nah, it's just that I know that if I stuck around you, we could go to places that'd be a lot more excitin' than South Africa." I laugh a little, too, and was about to plant one on, then "HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT! SOUTH AFRICA! That's IT! That dirtbag's gonna drag them guys away tomorrow mornin'! Aw, man, what was I thinkin' that I forgot about all that. We gotta get rollin'!" "Rollin' where?" "Look, here's the thing. We gotta fight fire with fire. We gotta kidnap them boys and bring 'em back here and do our stuff. We gotta get 'em back to normal." "Like a de-programmin'?" "You nailed it, kid. Right on the head." "I remember he said it was a 6am flight. Ya think that might be a ruse, too, to throw ya off the scent?" "Yeah, he is a clever enough bastard to pull that off. But not if we stake the joint out all night." "When we were bein' taken hostage, I noticed there was a front and side entrance to the place, right near the cars, so they wouldn't have to walk much. We could each take a door and head 'em off at the pass." "Sound thinkin', kid. You're gonna make some hero a great sidekick, yet! Let's roll." Then I stop for a second, Bobby does, too, and just looks at me. "What's wrong?" I take him in my arms and embrace 'im. "I love ya Bobby, but you were right all along. There was a reason I couldn't finish ya off. That ain't the natural order of things. You'll get a dick who's really gonna give it to ya, but it ain't me. That's why ya brung up South Africa." Lookin' up, I says to God, I says, "I hear ya Lord, ya want me back with Eddie and ya sent this beautiful boy to help me make it so." "And I loved ev'ry minute of it. Time's a wastin' - let's roll."

It was pretty dark. Just to be on the safe side, me and Bobby drove around this guy's place, lookin' for what may be snipers or somethin'. After a few laps, it looks like it's okay to sneak around the joint. I start to bring the car into the driveway, like I did before when I pounded on that jerk when he cut us off. "Hey, maybe they got cameras, they see the headlights, that could tip 'em off and we'd be dead before we know it." "Yeah, you're right, maybe we oughta leave the car on the street. How fast a runner are ya?" "Trust me, chief, I forget my size once I get rollin'." "Good boy. Oh, one, thing, take this." It was a rag and some choloroform. I hated to think of doin' that to Eddie, but this ain't Eddie I'm doin' it to. Just his body, but he ain't in it these days.

Good thing there's a bunch of bushes and things like that to hide in. I stake out the front door, Bobby gets the side entrance. Side kicks, side entrances, I figured it made sense. We both make our way into some shrubbery and just wait to pounce. Not sayin' a word, not even breathin' if our lives depended on it. 'Cuz all of our lives depend on it. All.

My hunch was right, it was about 2 in the mornin' when I see the lights go on. Then it became 3 when I saw some bodies walk past the picture window on the inside. "Pay dirt, they must be ready to split." Maniac and minions walk out, almost arm-in-arm. I hear them say somethin' about the boys gettin' the bags. Then they get in. Imagine - my Eddie luggin' bags for some twisted freak. Hoo-boy, this was war. I hear somethin' from the side. Man, I can't believe it. Bobby actually pulled it off. In this light I can't tell which one he's got ridin' piggy-back, but it's one of 'em. One down, one to go. BINGO! Eddie comes out with a suitcase. Knock out rag at the ready. I scoop him up. I know this ain't really Eddie. He'd fight back, hold his breath or somethin'. I didn't care. I'll turn 'im back the way he was if it's the last thing I do. If I don't get outta here right now, it just may be. I get Eddie over on piggy-back, too and run like a track star on fire. We get in the car and slam on the gas, gettin' the hell outta there, just in time for the alarms and search lights to go off. As we pull out, they pull out, too, comin' after us. Well, we'll just let 'em have their fun.

"Nice nabbin, there, Bob. Ya got Biggs?" "Sure do, boss-man, sure do." Biggs and Eddie was in the back seat, they started comin' to life again. They start talkin' among themselves. "Why do you think he's taking us to South Africa?" "I don't know, but he wants us to help minister to the sick or something." "Well, I'm not exactly a medic. I wouldn't know the first thing about it. I was an actor before I was converted, that's all I ever knew." Me and Bobby look at each other and laugh. "Actor my...."

"Maybe you can put some shows on for them, make them forget their misfortunes." Me and Bobby look at each other. "Misfortunes? We gotta get these guys back to normal and fast." Just as we think it's smooth sailin', sure as shootin'. There was some shootin'. I yell at Eddie and Dickie to get down or else they'll get hit. "Who do you think is trying to murder us?" Thinkin' fast on his feet, Bobby yells out, "it's your parents, man, they're tryin' to get ya back to de-program you." "Oh, and you're saving us?" "Yep, sure am, you'll be swattin' 'skeeters in South Africa before ya know it." For a second there, I think I hear the old Eddie, "holy blitzkrieg, we gotta get outta here." "I'm goin' as fast as I can, kid, just keep down back there. Keep an eye on Biggs, too, better lie on top of him, in case the bullets start comin' in." Aw, holy crap, the back window gets popped out. Eddie and Dickie start screamin' for their lives, Bobby yells, "keep it down, guys! I know you're scared, but that ain't gonna do no good!" I get the idea to do a couple of donuts, turn off the lights, and make a turn somewhere. "Great, Mike, ya lost 'em, ya really lost 'em." "No time for cheerleadin' now, Bob, we gotta get back to the house and fast. HANG ON!" Fan-freakin'-tastic. We make it back to the house, slam on the brakes, and move it out. "Get 'em inside fast! They might catch up!" I grab Eddie and shove him in the door, yellin' at him to take cover, and Biggs follows 'im. I'm at the front door, Bobby's still out at the car, lockin' it up. "Come ON! MOVE! It's gettin' light out. They could be here any minute." Too late! I hear the squeal of tires. Bobby looks over his shoulder. The minions pull up and come at us with AK-47's. I take cover with the boys, but Bobby just stands there, facin' 'em. "REED -FOR GOD's SAKE!" I yell. He says, "that's what I'm doin' this for. RUN!" I get back inside, look out the window to see the whole thing. My God, Bobby's standin' still. He's throwin' himself on their mercy, but they ain't got no mercy. Holy 4th of July, machine-gun fire! He goes down! Bad guys pull away! I run out there, not even carin' if they get me next. Bobby's blood-basted bullet-blasted body lyin' in the driveway. He's moanin. At least he's alive. Cryin' too. I whip off my coat and shove it under his head like a pillow. I tap his hand, shake his face a bit back and forth, "come on kid, you gotta make it. Ya gotta pull through for me." "Hey, Mike, I'm a pretty good sidekick, huh?" Tears formin' in my eyes, I says, "nah, not a sidekick, a hero." "Hero?" He smiles at the thought of it. The kid's a hero now. He breathes a couple times, really beamin', lookin' up at me, I'm lookin' at him. Then the smile goes away, the breathin' stops. Dead with his eyes open. I start cryin', "no, Bobby, please come back, don't go away. Bobby! Bobby! BOBBY! PLEASE!"

THE RETURN OF EDDIE ROBINSON! TURNS OUT EDDIE'S BEEN WATCHING THE WHOLE THING UNFOLD - THE SHOTS, MIKE LOSING HIS COOL, BOBBY SACRIFICING HIMSELF SO MIKE, EDDIE AND DICKIE BIGGS COULD SURVIVE. WATCHING THE WHOLE THING MAKES HIM SNAP.

EDDIE - Mike don't know I was there the whole time, seein' this. I start blinkin' my eyes, and all that. I think it was hearin' Mike scream at this guy, I think it was the guy at the gym I was talkin' to about sidekicks and all, he musta taken it all in. The screamin' made me think of the screamin' I did when Mike took off on me when I was all tied up before. He starts goin' on about, "ya can't die, ya gotta help me get Eddie back to normal" and I cut 'im off. "Normal, whaddaya mean?" Mike looks up at me and says, "Eddie, that really you?" "Course it is, who'd ya think?" And he grabs me and hugs me. I pull back. Mike says, "Geez, kiddo, what's up?" "So that's it, huh?" "Whaddya mean?" "Ya dump me so ya can run off with this guy?" "No, no, wait just a second there, hold your horses." I grab my package and yell, "YOU HOLD THIS, ASSHOLE! How dare you take off on me, leavin' me to die down there. This bastard came back and beat the hell outta me and...I don't remember anything much....why the hell am I wearin' this get-up? What the hell's goin' on?"

MIKE - Eddie was really upset. He came back to himself and re-entry wasn't easy. He told me I s'posedly came down to where he was tied up and left 'im there to rot, and then he was almost beaten to death, and made to wear funny clothes. First off, I tell 'im there ain't no way I'd leave 'im anywhere. I tell 'im all about the guy that nabbed 'im - same guy that nabbed Dickie Biggs, who was still inside, hopefully not gettin' wind of any of this. "That was your ex-boss? I never knew ya had one." "Nah, kid, I started off as a sidekick. His. Then he disappeared on me. When we came out to his place when you were all stepfordized, he told me who he was. He's a born-again. You were hypnotized..." "Yeah, yeah, I think I get it now. He tied me to some post, tellin' me I been sinnin' and that I had to cry to wash all that away. That's when I got beaten. That's the last thing I remember til I saw this kid lyin' there dead. What was he doin' around here, anyway?" "He wanted to help me get you back. He told me you told 'im all about bein' a sidekick and he wanted some action. He took videos of the kidnappers and we been lookin' for youse guys ever since. We came back and gassed ya both so you'd come with us so we could switch ya back. They chased after us, started shootin', then they came up here, Bobby threw himself on the guns and took all the lead they intended for us. He saved our lives, kid. He saved us." "Man, to think I was fooled by that thug when he pretended he was you. He just dressed like you to get me to lose my marbles, so he could..." "He was gonna drag you and Biggs off to South Africa for preachin' and that. I couldn't stand to lose ya. I did ev'rything I could and poor ol' Bobby did ev'rything he could to help me. Boy, he really dug you, though." "Really?" "Yeah, he told me that if I wasn't around, he really coulda gone for you?" Eddie laughed at that. "He did this just 'cuz he loved me?" "Well, really both of us, but, yeah. Aw, ya shoulda seen 'im, you'da been proud of him. I was missin' ya like crazy and had a few drinks, feelin' sorry for myself, then he starts yellin' at me to go get you and Biggs 'cuz he knew I loved ya and he knew I had to bring Biggs back and close this case. He was amazin'. Come on kid, let's go inside and get the cops, see how Dickie's doin', too."

EDDIE - Mike and I walked back inside, arms around each other, but I kept thinkin' what he said about Bobby bein' amazin'. He sometimes said that about me, too. Did the two of 'em get it on, I wondered. "Nah," I thought to myself, "don't even think of that. Still though, I wouldn't blame him if he did. I kinda feel the same way, lookin' at how cute this kid was. If I wasn't around, he coulda gone for Mike. If Mike wasn't around, Bobby coulda gone for me. If Mike wasn't around, I coulda gone for Bobby.

THE NEXT MORNING, MIKE CALLS HIS CLIENT TO ADVISE HIM DICKIE BIGGS WAS FOUND AND IS SAFE AND SOUND. HE COULD COME AND GET HIM ANYTIME. EDDIE STEPS OUT TO GET THE NEWSPAPER AND IS READING IT ON THE WAY BACK IN.

"Hey, Boss-man, check it out, real bad car crash not too far from us." "Oh, yeah, lemme see." "Aw, man, aw, man, this is beautiful, BEAUTIFUL!" "What's up?" "These are your friendly neighborhood kidnappers. They slam into somebody after they murdered Bobby and the cops jumped right in and nailed 'em. Turns out they had warrants up the wazoo. These guys are up against it for life. Hey, I'll be right back, I gotta tell Biggs ev'rything's okay and that his boss is comin' to get 'im. He pays us off and we're goin' out on the town, kid, just you and me."

EDDIE - Mike runs outta the room with the paper. I'll read it sometime, I ain't too worried 'bout that. For some reason, I fold my hands, not the way I usually do when I'm in action, but in another way. I look up and say, "thank you, father, for what you've done for us, for helpin' rescue me and Dickie and for Bobby helpin' Mike out. I don't know if they ever got it on or not, but if they did, forgive 'em, and please, I don't wanna think about it, so please block it outta my head, would ya? 'Preciate it." I ain't prayed since, well, since I was a kid in the closet and Mike came and helped me outta there. Maybe - maybe it works, ya know? Just maybe.