CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT - Diabolical Demolition Doom

OUR HEROES ARE TRAPPED INSIDE AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE ABOUT TO BE IMPLODED, BOUND AT THE HANDS AND FEET WITH PLASTICUFFS. THIS IS THE CLOSEST CALL THEY'VE EVER HAD. HOW WILL THEY ESCAPE?

MIKE - Me-n-Eddie's been in some tough spots before, but this is really somethin'. Plasticuffs are a bitch to get out of. This whole thing gets more and more suspicious as things go on. We knew somethin' like this had to happen at some point. We don't always know if we're gonna overcome the vicious ensnarements of our evil opponents, so we're at peace with the fact that a violent, grisly death is inevitable when dealin' with the type of sleazenags we come across. My main focus is, of course, on our fellow hostage, Skip Mc Inerney, who was lyin' with his back to us.

I try to assure him, "Hey, we're gonna get outta this, ya know." But I don't hear a thing. Eddie thinks maybe he's just asleep, 'cuz he heard about folks doin' that when they get in way over their heads, sleepin's some kinda defense mechanism. But, I heard him sniffin' a little.
I whisper to Eddie, "I dunno, I think he's lettin' this get to 'im. I think he's cryin'."

"I sure can't blame 'im, this is a pretty petrifyin' peril."

Skip hears us and decides to come clean. "Okay, yeah, I'm pretty scared. But that's not what's gettin' me. I just didn't think my life would end like this."

"No one ever said this is the end."

"But our captors told us we were gonna get smashed to death!"

"People tell us crap like that all the time. Never pay attention to a bad guy's threats. This is just a challenge and we're gonna do ev'rything we can to get outta this. Me-n-Eddie been in this business a long time, we get outta ev'rything the bad guys get us into."

Eddie chimed in, "right. The first thing is to try to get outta these bonds. I got an idea. I think I see a radiator over in that corner, or somethin' that looks like it. Lemme crawl over there and check it out."

Eddie props 'imself up, pulls 'imself along with his heels and shoulders and the bottoms of his hands and makes it up to what he thinks might be a radiator. Turns out he was right. While he was checkin' it out, Skip started askin' me about how we ended up here. I told him Victor Reyes hired us to look for him when he was kidnapped, then Victor's boss decided to hire us instead, and how we staked out Victor's office to investigate his story, and that's when we were captured.

Eddie calls out, "looks like I was right, I got an idea how to get free."

"How's that, kiddo?"

"Just keep scrapin' the cuff against the radiator. I think mine's about to crack."

"Good boy, Eddie, keep it up. We'll be right there."

Me-n-Skip do the same as Eddie, inchin' our way over there. Skip was surprised at how easy it was. We all commence to scrapin'. Eddie had this look on his face like he was about to reach the finish line first, grittin' his teeth, breathin' heavy in and out.

"Oh, yeah, yeah, I think this is it. My hands are gettin' looser. BAM! All right!" His hands now free, he coached us both about scrapin'. "Ya gotta go faster, show that piece of plastic who's boss. I think I may have heard somethin' about, uh, mind over matter?"

"Real cute, kid."

Skip pipes in, "I heard about all that stuff, that really true?"

"It can be if ya want it to be."

EDDIE - Mike and Skip struggled, breathed heavily, gritted their teeth, and let out a collective gasp when their hands were free.

"All right, now we gotta work on our feet. Lemme see if I can reach my clippers."

"Clippers?"

"Yeah, the kid always keeps some kinda tool in his pants."

"Oh."

I reach down and pull out a pair of wire clippers I stashed inside the hikin' boots I was wearin' that day, and snip, snip, snip, we were golden. We all stood up, rubbin' our wrists, Skip was massagin' his shoulder and neck. He'd been through a lot. I say to him, "ya all right, Skip?"

"I'm good, thanks. Good eye about the radiator."

"Thanks."

MIKE - While I was glad and proud of the kid for gettin' us untied, we still had to make our way outta the buildin' before it crashed down on us. "Guys, maybe we can carry on with this after we get the hell outta here. This place is still gonna come down tomorrow and I'd rather read about it on the news then to BE the news, if ya get my meanin'!"

Eddie chimed in, "well, we may be free now, but we're still stuck in here, we gotta figure a way out." He looked up at the door, saw how it was screwed to the frame with the hinges, and all, and he had the idea to try to pry the pin outta the hinge to loosen it. I asked Skip if he had a screwdriver so I could get to work on the hinge itself, maybe unscrew it in case Eddie didn't have much luck with it. We proceeded to work on it, and the door came loose, then suddenly.

"HOLY CREEPS! The back of the room - it's cavin' in."

Eddie panics and grabs Skip, "come on, we gotta get the heck outta here!"

We ran for our lives. Debris was fallin' down behind us as we ran. We couldn't see much in front of us except for a dim light bulb hangin' from a ceilin. The debris made for all kinds of dust flyin' all over, blockin' our sight even more so. Eddie and Skip took their shirts off to wave the dust away and I did the same with my hat.

[Outta the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Skip's bare chest. I should say BEAR chest - WOOF! The chest hair was neatly trimmed and it framed his slight man-boobs, which drive me wild by the way. Eddie's iron pecs get me nuts, too, but man-boobs look so cute on some guys. There was also what I can describe as a river of body hair cascadin' right down the middle of his beer-gut. I can imagine my hands rubbin' up and down....ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT, THAT's IT, YOU IDIOT! Dontcha realize ya gotta save a couple-a lives here. Now get focused and get the hell outta there, the place is fallin' apart around youse!]

We were runnin' past the light fixture, but the vibration made the bulp pop, sendin' some electric sparks, hittin' Skip right on the head and shoulders. He let out a scream, and me-n-Eddie asked him how bad he was hurt.
"Nah, not so bad, just a little spark is all. I'll be all right."

Then we fled up the stairs, which were collapsin' right after we passed 'em. Skip's foot slipped and he got caught in a stair with a hole in it. Me-n-Eddie pulled and yanked on 'im, but we were kinda losin' our grip 'cuz Skip's body was kinda sweaty [Grrr-WOOF!]and our hands were slippin'. Then, we just gave one more good yank, and sent the three of us flyin' right through a door at the top of the staircase. We stood amazed as the whole staircase crumbled into nothin'. Eddie chimes in, "our captors said this was gonna be blown up tomorrow."

Skip got a little snide, "aw, gee, imagine that, the psycho lied!"

"Hey, why dontcha shut yer mouth!"

"Hey, why dontcha make me, ya little punk!"

Eddie and Skip started shovin' each other, "I'll teach ya not to call me a punk, ya fat little runt!"

Then some "OH YEAH! YEAH's were goin' back and forth and before I knew what hit me, the two of them were wrestlin' for Pete's sake - their two dusty, sweaty bare chests intertwinin' amid a stream of grunts and gasps.

[GOD, I wish there was some mud - Hey, wait a minute, your lives are still in danger and all ya can think about is these two cute little studs goin' mud wrestlin'? Where the hell's yer mind at, Batz!"]

I got in the middle of this, "hold it, you two, get the hell away from each other! What the hell's your problem! Eddie I'm surprised at you!"

Skip slides in, "you're not surprised at me?"

"Nah, not really, you have been kinda snotty here and there. Maybe that's why you bombed outta the police academy and are just a nighttime janitor. Nobody could stand bein' around ya!"

"What the hell do you know about that?"

"Only what your boss told us - family problems forced ya to drop out."

He kinda stumbled, thought for a sec, then said, "uh, oh yeah, family problems. Sure."

Me-n-Eddie looked at each other suspiciously, but we had to forget about it in the meantime, we had to rescue ourselves from this trap. More debris was fallin' around us each step we took, til finally we found ourselves outside, and just like in any action movie, the minute we knew we were okay, the entire place collapsed right behind us. We made it outta there by THAT much! I put my hat back on and just stared. I heard someone yell, "hey, get the hell away from there, ya coulda been killed!", but I didn't think much of it. Eddie was starin' at the scene of the collapse, lookin' pretty relieved. But Skip, poor Skip, his eyes gettin' wider and wetter. He and Eddie were pantin' tryin' to catch their breath, their bear-chests heavin' up and down

[WOULD YA STOP THINKIN' ABOUT THAT, BATZ]

then Skip just grabbed Eddie and hung onto him, huggin' him, buryin' his face in his chest as he started cryin', "aw, man, I'm sorry, I'm real sorry", and gettin' tears all over Eddie's sweat-stained, dirt-laden body. Eddie just kinda had his hands out there, almost like a shrug, he had no idea what to do. He looked at me and I just nodded to 'im, and the only thing he can think to do is just stroke Skip's hair, sayin' "it's okay, we're out now. We made it. Shhhh."

This was gettin' to be too heavy for me, I thought I should say somethin' trivial for Skip's benefit, I didn't want him gettin' this overwhelmed. I said somethin' like, "gee, I hope we don't have a ticket waitin' for us. We were parked in front of your buildin' all night."

Skip looked up, wiped his eyes, and said, "nah, don't worry about it. Ev'ryone down there's workin' all night, I'm sure the cops don't care about that. But we should get back there anyways."

So the three of us walk back to the buildin' and get our cars. I was real happy to see that Skip was right, NO TICKET! Skip started to walk toward his car when I called out to 'im, "hey, kiddo, ya gonna be okay?"

He stopped, looked back at us and paused, he didn't know what to say, then he just took a breath and exhaled, "really, I don't know, I might not be, for a while, but...."

[he looked down and around at his sweat-stained, dust covered body]

"...I just gotta dust myself off, I guess. I got the late shift tonight, so I gotta get some shut-eye."

"Hey, wait a second, you're still gonna go back to work."

"Sure, no matter what went down, I'm still on the Job, ain't I?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess so. Hey wait, me-n-Eddie's goin' to see your big boss, he's the one who hired us to find ya. I got the idea Victor Reyes was behind this and I gotta bring this up to 'im. How can we get ahold-a ya in the meantime?"

"Uh, just a sec...."

He went to his car and got out a pen and a pad of paper and scribbled his address and phone number on it.

"Here ya go...better yet, when are ya gonna talk to my boss?"

"We're on our way there now"

"Can I come with ya's?"

"Sure, but why dontcha ride with us - parkin's a bitch around these parts."

We get to the big boss's office and encounter the receptionist once again, spillin' another gallon of drool at the sight of Eddie. Then Skip snaps his finger, points at her, winks, and says, "catch ya on the fly, sugar" and she just melts.

As we were walkin' down the hall, Eddie says to him, "wow, she sure is, uh, friendly. She oggled me the last time we were here."

Teasin', Skip says with a laugh, "well, hands-off Scandinova, I been here a lot longer than you and she drooled at me first."

[SCANDINOVA? Oh, never mind]

The two of 'em were laughin' and we reached the boss's office. I walk in ahead, "Hey, there, we got Skip back in one piece."

"Oh, thank heavens, and thank you both. So good to see you, Skip, are you all right?"

Skip was about to answer, then when their eyes met, he just froze and stared at him, like he was lookin' through him, or somethin'. The boss got a little jittery at the silently starin' Skip and asked him again, "uh, are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah - no thanks to you!"

Me-n-Eddie looked at each other, not sure what was goin' on here.

"What do you mean, no thanks to me - I hired these good gentlemen to rescue you from your awful ordeal."

"Ya mean that trap ya set me up for."

"I don't understand you at all. Maybe you're in shock."

"The other night, I busted out a guy about your size, smokin' in front of an entry way, after the ordinance they passed. It was dark out, I couldn't see the face very good, but when I took that dart, I turned around to see who coulda done this, and the light was better, I could see exactly who you were. That's why I was cryin', you SICK SON OF A BITCH!"

He threw himself across the desk and started wailin' on this guy. Eddie noticed a closet and a cabinet and played a hunch, started lookin' around in them, findin' a cap, a pair of jeans, a jacket. "Hey Skip, this look familiar?"

"Yeah, exactly like what the crumb was wearin' the night I got darted-n-carted. Why the hell did ya do that to me? Ya said I was one of your best workers - I thought we were gettin' along? Why would ya wanna hurt me this bad?"

I chime in, "Skip, what gives ya the idea it was this guy?"

"When I was down for the count, I got a good look at his face, then passed out, then spent however long I was in there, all tied up by my hands and feet, just tryin' to keep from goin' crazy until you guys rescued me. You said you suspected Victor might be a part of this, and I put two and two together and remembered the face I saw, belongin' to this sick sack-a crap standin' before us. I'll ask again, why did ya do this to me?"

"I had to. I was being extorted."

[Me-n-Eddie's eyes just rolled and we smirked and shook our heads, this guy's pathetic]

"I told Victor that he was being transferred to another site because I was going to promote you to his position. The two of you would've been peers in that sense. He got very upset and then revealed he had something on me that would damage my reputation in this company if the truth got out. Of course, I called him on his bluff, and then he says he has proof - photocopies."

I asked him, "photocopies of what?"

"Receipts, credit card receipts, checks, and so forth. I've been dipping a little into the corporate treasury."

"How much...'dipppin'?"

"About $5,000 a week - on the average. He said all I had to do was get rid of you, and it'd be our little secret."

"He wanted ya to fire me? For what?"

"That's what I thought at first, too, but he said he wanted me to do with you as I did. I am so sorry. I realize now I should have just faced the music and found a way to pay back what I, uh, dipped."

"Stole"

"You say po-TAY-to, I say po-TAH-to!"

Eddie couldn't believe his ears, "so basically you traded in possibly losin' your job and gettin' a slap on the wrist for assault with a deadly weapon and bein' an accessory to kidnappin'?"

I chimed in, "sounds like a plan to me".

"Three counts, at that."

Then there was a knock at the office door, "open up in there, it's Victor!" I very quietly motioned Eddie and Skip to get outta the entry way and stand up against the wall so Victor wouldn't see us as he walked in.

"Uh, come right in, Victor."

"So did you carry out the task you were assigned?"

Then Eddie, who was closest to the office door, slammed it shut behind Victor and locked it. "Yeah, he sure did."

Victor turns around swiftly and sees the three of us ready to pounce. I called out, "Eddie, Skip, have you heard about that new detergent called
'Janitor-Is-A-Piece-A-Scum?'"

Eddie and Skip were wringin' their fists and laughin'. I thought it was a pretty good pun. "Ready to wipe the floor with this dirtbag?"

"Let's, Mike, let's!"

And the fists were flyin', we had Victor goin' pretty good, then we started hearin' shots. We ducked, then we saw the big boss glare at Skip and aim his gun at him. "Don't move - I got you covered" - Poor Skip was trapped in his crosshairs, had nowhere to duck. He pulls the trigger, Skip screams, grabs his ribs and goes down. He aimed and started shootin' at us, but we rushed him, some more shots went off, but no one else was hit. We knocked the gun outta his hand. I called the cops on the phone, "get an ambulance here, too, someone's been shot!"

The receptionist ran in to see what was up. "Better clear the way, there's been a shootin' and this man's dangerous!"

"God, Victor?"

"Damn right!"

"Was anyone hurt?"

Eddie pointed at Skip and said, "yeah, Skip got shot in the ribs".

She became horrified and ran to him, holdin' him, tryin' to comfort him. "Skip, please be okay, please."

In between grimacin' and catchin' his breath, holdin' his wound with some blood seepin' out, "dontcha worry, there, kid, I'm gonna be fine. After these two are locked up for life."

Eddie piped in, "actually, he helped catch one of these guys. He woulda made a pretty good cop."

"Oh, yeah, I always knew that. Skip told me the whole story."

Oh, yes, the whole story - why Skip didn't make it onto the police force. Still somethin' I'd like to hear.


EPILOGUE

IT'S A COUPLE OF WEEKS LATER AND MIKE AND EDDIE ARE BACK AT HOME, RELAXING ON A LAZY SUNDAY AFTERNOON. THEN THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

MIKE - I went to answer the knockin' and there was Skip. "Hey, buddy, you're out, that's great. Why didn't ya call us, we woulda come get you."

"I appreciate that, but I just got out a couple of hours ago and I wanted to think somethin' over."

Eddie walks in and the two of them greet each other. "Guys, I got somethin' to tell ya both. I thought I should come clean."

"Uh, okay, let's all get comfy in the livin' room and you can spill yer guts."

He looked at both of us, then inhaled and exhaled deeply, "I don't know how to tell ya this, I don't even know why I'm here, I don't know why it's important, but it is. I wanna tell ya both why I had to leave the police academy and didn't get on the force and why I'm, as you said Mike, just a night-time janitor who no one can stand to be around."

He had me. He was right. I shouldn't have said that. "I'm sorry, Skip, it was said in the moment of panic, but it was wrong of me."

"I didn't have family problems, except of course, ya count the fact that none of them wanted anything to do with me. I was a couple-three weeks in the academy, things were goin' okay, then, I got a little too comfortable - too relaxed. One of my instructors caught me jackin' off in the shower and had me expelled. Of course, he told my parents."

"Jeez, is that it? Just 'cuz ya whacked off in the shower? That doesn't make any sense!"

"It does if you're seen whackin' off to a cadet in the next stall!"

"Holy don't ask - don't tell!"

"That's right. I was gonna press charges of discrimination against the academy, but they made me drop 'em, offerin', instead, to just say that I left early on my own - ya know, as a reference for when I had to find a job. I think about it all the time, it always stays with me, how I ruined my whole life - at the age of 27, it's all over for me. I can't get any better than what I am now. I can't even get a promotion with this company. You guys heard all of that come crashin' down. I really screwed up my life, and, I don't know what to do. I ain't had a happy moemt since all that happened. That's what turned me into the asshole I am today. I can't help myself. I got cop in me real bad, I got blue runnin' through my veins".

He starts cryin'. Eddie goes and offers him a hankie for his tears and puts his hand on his shoulder, tryin' to comfort him. Skip also puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder. "I was so afraid to tell ya guys, but I felt I had to. I didn't think you'd understand."

"Why's that?", Eddie asked.

"'Cuz, you two ain't gay or nothin', like I am."

Eddie looks at me and kinda grins, then gives Skip a peck on the cheek, "ya wanna bet?"

Skip's eyes bulge out, "naw, you're kiddin' right? Wow, when I cried on your shoulder the other day, I wondered why ya didn't push me off or anything. Geez, this is all right! I got a couple of new friends here! That is, if ya wanna be friends with me. I mean, you guys are cool, and kinda hot, and ev'rything. I kinda liked hangin' with ya - even though I thought we were all gonna die. I gotta tell ya though, when they dragged ya both in that dungeon, they were gonna crush us to death, you guys were good company. I was glad that you both were there. It helped me keep from goin' crazy."

Eddie chimes in, "well, God does put people in our lives for a reason. He put me-n-Mike together. All I wanted to do was bust some bad guys. I couldn't get into the academy 'cuz my dad was a felon and they held it against me."

"Yeah, I couldn't get in for the same reason".

"So, Mike was gettin' worked over by a couple of thugs and I came in and helped 'im out, I started workin' for 'im, and he helped me get my detectives' license. He's been a real god-send to me."

"Yeah, well, youse two are a god-send to me, too. I can't thank you enough for all ya did for me. I'd love to return the favor."

MIKE - I had an idea. I walked over to where the two boy wonders were sittin', "tell ya what ya can do for us here. Bring back them charges of discrimination. Gay rights are gettin' better these days. I'd say ya got a pretty good case goin' for ya. Me-n-Eddie would be happy to testify on your behalf. Hopefully one day ya can hang that mop up to dry for good."

"Ya think so?"

"I know so - you just do what ya gotta do, and it'll all work out. Ya just wait and see."

"Wow, that'd be fantastic. I can't wait to do it now. There is one thing I wanna ask, though, Eddie."

"What's that?"

"That radiator trick-a yours, where ya broke the bonds. Where'd ya get that idea?"

"Oh, that was on a CHiPs reunion movie. Jon and his partner were cuffed and he just kept rubbin' the cuff against somethin' in back."

"No way! You watch CHiPs?"

"Well, I liked it as a kid, and thought the movie would be good, but it really wasn't, except for that part I just told ya about."

"That show was pretty lame. I was into Adam-12, Dragnet, NYPD Blue, and now I like The Shield. Oh, uh, Batman, too."

"Yeah? Which ones? Those movies they got out these days or the series, or...."

"Man, definitely the series - Robin was somethin' else."

"Get outta town, I love Robin. That explains us both shoutin' a "holy" phrase when we were locked in that abandoned warehouse."

"Ya know I could kinda hear that narrator's voice, who was it, Dozier, or someone?"

MIKE - and on and on they chatted. I was happy for them both. It seems they found kindered spirits, I think they're called. It's always a good day that ends on a good note. Incidentally, Skip went on to file his case against discrimination and won re-admittance to the academy. He's up there now, writin' us whenever he gets the chance. When he becomes full-blue I hope he's assigned to our neck of the woods. But even if he's not, it gives me a real good feelin' to know there's a good cop out there, servin' and protectin', and wherever he ends up, they'll be lucky to have 'im there, uh, SWEEPIN' UP the bad guys.

[Sorry - couldn't resist.]