CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE - Dance of the Double-Dashin' Duos

MIKE - It looks like me-n-Eddie are gonna be okay - Eddie's back to life and we're gettin' more movement in our bodies. I know we're gonna get outta this and rescue that boy. We epitomize the side of good, we work out, I'm dashin', Eddie's hot, we're both rough and ready and we're gonna do it. First off, though, a little macho talk to get us pumped. It gives us strength to do what we gotta do, plus it gives us both such hard-ons. Eddie gets the idea to just take the screws outta the door and reaches for his tool belt, but finds out it ain't there. Gotta admit, that tool belt is a turn on, what with all that leather and steel wrapped around his waist. But now since it ain't there, there's nothing between his shirt and his pants. I'd love to get my hands on that, but first we had work to do.

"Mike, my tool belt - it's gone!"

"Bastards - they musta taken it when we were rendered powerless - we can't just undo these hinges - and that window has bars on it - we gotta break this thing down - do a few running stops and them slam into this bad boy."

I snap my finger and point at Eddie "- ya ready?"

Eddie slams his fist into his other hand, "I'm rough and ready, Boss-man!"

I grab him by the arms, "Good boy - let's do this thing."

We do just that - run up to the door and throw ourselves against it a few times, egged on by the cracks in the woodwork, while maintaining our own wood. A few more tries and the thing starts to give, then finally...

"Wow! We did it! We're out!"

"Nice goin', kid. But we gotta figure out where the heck they took AJ."

"Gosh, you're right - this is a big city on its own, but it gets even bigger when someone goes missin'."

"That ain't all that's missin'. Our car's gone."

"Holy grand theft auto!"

"For the time bein', maybe, but not for long, thanks to this little beauty right here."

"That's the remote device you invented - lets ya find your car anywhere."

"Yep - I only used it in shoppin' malls with them huge parkin' lots - a man can get lost in one of those places. Now, let's see if it'll lead us to the thieves."

My boy was crestfallen - I asked him what the matter was.

"Just when we got a hostage to rescue, somethin' like THIS comes up. Man, this just isn't our day."

I smirk a little and say, "Really...ya think so, huh?"

"What else would ya call it - I almost get killed - somebody in the Great Beyond misread the death list and called me up by mistake...."

NOt understandin' a thing this kid is sayin', I break in, "wait, wait, wait a minute - the Great Beoynd? A death list?"

EDDIE - Of course, the Boss-man didn't know what was goin' on. He had no idea why I died and came back miraculously.

"Uh, I'll tell ya later - after you've had a couple, that is."

"Uh...okay."

"But still, though, how the heck are we gonna get AJ back now?"

"Simple - we just call a cab and turn on this little beauty of mine and then..."

"Then we NAIL 'em! What're we waitin' for...let's roll!"

MIKE - Would ya believe it - we actually get a cab to go after the bad guys. The cabbie recognizes us and wants to join in on the fun.

"Wow, hey, ya think I can help ya catch the bad guys!"

"All ya gotta go is follow my directions and ya lead us right to 'em."

After a few miles we see the car.

"Hey, pull up over here - there's the car - and there must be the bad guys."

"Holy cliche - always at an abandoned building."

"If there's one thing these crooks ain't got is an imagination." I hand the cabbie the fare and thank him for takin' us right where we were goin' - even though we didn't know where we'd end up. Pretty seedy lookin' area.

"Hey, guys, can I go in there with ya?"

"Nah, I'm afraid not - it's not gonna be pretty in there - there might be a gunfight and I don't want ya gettin' hurt."

"What're ya talkin' about? I was in Afghanistan last year - I got hit a couple-a times and made it out."

"Well, it looks like ya got a lotta guts. You already helped us out a lot and you served your country. I think it's time ya deserved a break. Ya got a family?"

"Yeah, a wife - she just had our first kid right before I came back. I'm still on the list, though. The way things are goin' there, I could be goin' back before I know it."

"In that case, just take it easy. You're a good American and you're a good citizen. Your wife and baby should be proud of ya for that."

"Thanks, guys. I'm glad I could help."

The cabbie takes off and me-n-Eddie knew what we had to do next. I marvel at this guy's chutzpah and say to Eddie,

"Hey, how do ya like that - ev'ryone wants to get in on the crimebustin' thing. Can't say as I blame 'em, though. It does my heart a lotta good to see guys out there who wanna do their part."

MEANWHILE, AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AJ IS TIED UP AND STRUGGLING AS HIS KIDNAPPERS WALK IN THE ROOM, WITH A NEW PRISONER, WHO ALSO STRUGGLES AND GRIMACES IN PAIN AS IT'S NOT HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK, IT'S HIS BICEPS FORCED TOGETHER WITH A PLASTI-CUFF. THE BOND IS UNDONE AND HE INSTANTLY RUBS HIS ARMS, GRIMACING AND MOANING THE WHOLE TIME. ONE OF THE GOONS PISTOL WHIPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE AND HE FALLS BACKWARD, ALL WITNESSED BY AJ.

"That could be you, kid, if ya don't cooperate. We'll be calling on you pretty soon. I hope you're in a subservient mood. In the meantime, we brought ya a little company. Strap him in guys."

THE NEW PRISONER IS ALSO WRAPPED UP AND SITS NEXT TO AJ.

"AJ, this is Chet - a college football player. He'll be touchin' down on somethin' else when we get through with him."

"You could at least tell us why the heck you're holdin' us here. What's your game plan?"

"We're gonna do that photo session I've been hittin' on ya for. We tried to ask politely, but ya wouldn't cooperate."

CHET CHIMES IN, "What kinda photo sessions?"

"It's for a new exhibit at our art gallery. A new piece I'm calling 'Men In Pain'. Oh, fetishists everywhere'll get a big bang out of it."

"Why do ya have to do all this stuff to us? Couldn't we just pose."

"No, that's not convincing enough. In order for the pain to come across from our subjects in our art, it must first be brought out from within. Every gnash of the teeth, every squint of the eyes, every gasp for breath, every look of panic in your eyes, the occasional tear, a scar and a bruise here and there. Get ready for your close-ups, boys. We'll be back."

THE TERRORISTS LEAVE AND AJ AND CHET PONDER WHAT'S NEXT AS CHET FIGHTS BACK THE TEARS.

"Chet? That's your name?"

"Yeah, good to meet ya."

"Likewise. I'm AJ"

"Buckner - yeah, I recognized ya - I even got tickets to your match."

"Sweet. Hey, how'd they get you?"

"Well, like he says, I'm a college football player, on a scholarship. I guess they musta been stalkin' the campus or somethin'. Anyway, I was on my way back to the dorm when I met these guys in the hallway. I never made it back. Just great, too, I got finals comin' up. I could lose my scholarship if I don't get outta here."

"Yeah, I know - I could lose the title by default if I can't get out and defend it."

CHET STARTS CRYIN' - AJ TRIES TO COMFORT HIM.

"Aw, don't be like that - it's gonna be okay - I just know it."

"I'm sorry - I know I shouldn't - but I just got to town a few months ago. I came over here from Iowa."

"Small-town boy?"

"Yeah. First time I'm ever in a big city like this. I had no idea. If I'd known it was gonna be like this, I woulda gone to school back home, but I wanna go pro - just like you - and I figured I had to come out here to do that. Pete's sake, I'm only 18 years old."

"Aw, creeps - you're just a kid - I'm sorry this is happenin' to ya. So, they just grabbed ya like that?"

"Nah, not at first. Some shady characters did come up to me and kept sayin' I should be a male model - they liked me a lot."

"Can't say as I blame 'em there - you are pretty good-lookin'."

"Well, uh, thanks. I always thought you were pretty hot, too."

"Thanks - but we gotta find a way outta here. I've been workin' with these ropes for a while. I think I got some slack in the back."

AJ GROANS AS HE STRUGGLES TO BREAK FREE, AND HE DOES. HE UNTIES HIS FEET, THEN UNTIES CHET.

"Let's get the heck outta here fast they'll be back sooner than we'll know."

"Maybe there's a fire escape outside the window."

THEY LOOK AND SPOT A FIRE ESCAPE.

"All right - let's get climbin'!"

AJ GETS OUT FIRST AND CHET GETS ONE LEG OUT THE WINDOW AND IS ABOUT TO STEP OUT WITH THE OTHER LEG, THEN....

"All right, just stop right there. We got ya covered."

CHET PANICKS AND WHISPERS, "What'll I do?"

"Don't pay attention, just keep movin'!"

CHET DOES WHAT AJ SAYS, THEN IS SHOT IN THE LEG AS HE GETS IT OUT THE WINDOW. HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND SCREAMS. AJ RUNS BACK UP TO GET HIM AND HELP HIM DOWN. BUT THERE'S A GUN POINTED RIGHT AT CHET'S HEAD.

"All right, Buckner - you make one false move and the kid gets it."

ONE OF THE GOONS DRAGS CHET'S POOR HELPLESS BODY BACK INSIDE AS THE GUNMAN ORDERS AJ TO PUT HIS HANDS UP AND GET BACK IN.

"You thought you were being pretty slick, don't ya. We only pretended to leave to see what you'd do, and you did exactly what I was afraid of. We were only pretending with this whole thing. We were gonna release you unharmed when we had enough photos for our exhibit, but ya pushed us too far."

THE GUNMAN RELOADS AS AJ STANDS HELPLESSLY.

"Stand in the middle of the floor - I wanna give you some room to fall over as soon as I'm done pluggin' ya."

"Holy creeps - this is it. I'm sorry, Chet."

"It's okay, man, ya did your best. It was a good idea at the time."

"You bet your ass this is it. You can put your arms down now."

AJ DROPS HIS ARMS AND STANDS STIILL - THE GUNMAN IS AIMING HIS GUN AT AJ'S ARMS, LEGS, TORSO, AS IF HE CAN'T DECIDE WHERE TO START SHOOTING FIRST. HE FINALLY PULLS THE TRIGGER, AJ IS SHOT IN THE UPPER RIGHT ARM. HE SCREAMS AND GRABS IT, THEN IS SHOT IN THE LOWER LEFT LEG, THEN THE RIGHT LEG. ONE OF THE GOONS STARTS SNAPPIN' PHOTOS OF THE TWO AS THEY LIE ON THE GROUND, HOLDING THEIR WOUNDS, CRYING, GRIMACING, MOANING.

"Oh, that's beautiful - just what I wanted. Oh, you boys are gonna make my exhibit a smash."

MIKE - Hey! I hear shots! Eddie does, too.

"I think I heard them comin' from the other side of the buildin'."

"Ya got your - - aw, shit! That's right, they lifted your belt when you were knocked out."

"We got spare pieces in the car - I keep 'em in a secret compartment. The bad guys would never know."

"GOOD BOY, Eddie! Let's scope this dump out."

We go around and spot a fire escape - there's an open window on the second floor.

"That's gotta be the place. Let's check it out."

"Yeah, but we gotta be real quiet - if there's anyone on the other side of that window, we don't want 'em to know we're comin'. The element of surprise."

"Gotcha, Boss-man!"

We scale up the fire escape and look inside and see AJ and some other kid lyin' on the ground. Eddie gasps in horror. AJ hears him and looks up and sees us. He gets scared.

I whisper to him, "no, no, it's all right - it's us - The Dashin' Duo. Where're the bad guys?"

"They just left the room, but they said they'd be back."

"Not to worry - we'll be ready for 'em."

We climb in and Eddie sees to AJ - I spot the other boy there, too and check him out. No, no, no, not in that way - I'm checkin' to see how badly he's hurt.

"AJ, it's a pleasure to meet ya - can't wait to see your fight on pay-per-view."

"Pay-per-view? Ya ain't gonna check it out in person?"

"Nah, couldn't get the tickets in time."

"The heck you say - you guys get us outta here and ya got ringside seats. You'll catch every drop of blood I draw from my opponent."

"Heh-heh. Speakin' of blood, I'm checkin' ya out here and don't see any. Where'd they get ya?"

"Everywhere, man, my right arm, my two legs. Maybe there won't be a fight after all."

"You're not bleedin' anywhere, though, but there are a bunch of little steel balls around here."

"How ya doin', I'm Mike Batz - what's your name?"

"Chet - I got snatched a little while ago comin' outta school."

"Where'd he get ya?"

"Back of the right leg. Gosh, it hurts."

"Wow, that is a pretty nasty bruise, but that's all it is. I don't see any blood anywhere."

"Gee, Boss-Man - they were only hit with pellets - they didn't even penetrate 'em."

"After we were hit, these maniacs started takin' pictures of us on the ground screamin."

Me-n-Eddie looked at each other and shouted, "MEN IN PAIN!"

"Huh? What?"

"Some sick thing they got goin' at that gallery you hung out at before. Now I know what their game is - they snatch hunky young guys and hurt 'em a little, then they take their pictures. It makes my skin crawl."

"Hey, Chet, ya think ya can stand up - it doesn't look like we were really shot."

"Probably."

"No - no - no - don't - at least not yet. Just keep lyin' there like ya are. Thank God there's a closet there. We're gonna pounce on these crumbs like there's no tomorrow."

EDDIE - I start hearin' footsteps outside. "Cheese it boss - I think they're comin'."

We hide out in the closet and just wait for our cue.

We hear the bad guys comin' back in.

"We just went over the pics we took - we're satisfied with some, but it looks like you guys got a little more work to do."

"Hey, look, we know we ain't wounded for real - just take what ya want and let us get outta here, okay?"

"No, it's not that simple. You looked pretty good and we thank you for your cooperation so far, but I think we're gonna take this to the next level."

We hear them loadin' their guns.

"Now, we're gonna get more...method acting, if you will. Now, we're gonna use real bullets. Who's gonna be the first? I'm not just pussyfootin' around this time, toy-boys."

That's our cue - we move! Smashin' outta the closet, we startle the goons.

"All right, Jimmy Olsen, you just tortured your last two models."

"Holy Diane Arbus, Boss-Man! Let's get 'em!"

"Thought you'd never ask."

The thugs do fire a couple of shots, but the four of us scramble and none of us is hit. Eddie kicks the gun outta one guy's hand and pulverizes him. Chet picks up a chair and whacks it at the back of the other bad guy's head. I grab one of the thugs and hold on tight and call out to AJ, "hey, AJ, how 'bout a little practice before your match?"

"Yessiree, BOB!" and he goes for it. The goons are down for the count. One of 'em was holdin' a camera which Chet lifts up and starts aimin' it - "hey, let's see how YOU like this", and snaps away.

Another set of footsteps - it's the Curator.

"Okay, boys, how are we..."

And then he gets a fish-eyed lens view of four good guys standin' - two bad guys wishin' they were never born.

"...Oh, Dear God."

As Eddie keeps his piece trained on the Curator, I walk over with the cuffs.

"Whatever the heck your name is - let's just call ya Old Dirty Bastard - like the rapper."

"I wouldn't know about such a thing - I'm a classical music aficionado. Why, just on the way over here, I was listening to the second movement of Rachmaninoff's Second Piano Concerto" and starts singin' "Full Moon and Empty Arms".

"Ya better check that CD label of yours - that's from the THIRD movement."

He thinks for a moment and says, "my God, you're absolutely right. I always confuse those two."

"Now, you're gonna tell me right here and now what's the meanin' of all-a this!"

"That's really not your concern."

I backhand him across the puss - "I'm concerned. Now, spill it!"

"All right - all right - It is a very long story."

"We've got time - we ain't goin' anywhere."

"The whole thing started, innocently enough, when I used to just cruise younger guys. I really couldn't get many of them to give me the time of day, so I started an art gallery with money left to me by my family. Then I started getting them to pose for me. It's like the old saying - take a picture, it'll last longer."

"When'd ya start doin' Men In Pain?"

"A couple of subjects didn't seem to be following directions, and I became frustrated, and started hitting them. I found myself turned on by the looks on their faces, as they contorted and the screaming and the moaning, and the....."

I put my hand up, so as to not hear anymore - this was gettin' sick -

"All right, all right, all right, I get the picture - PUN INTENDED, if ya don't mind. Now, look here, you and your goons are goin' away for a real long time if I have anything to say about it. I just got three words for ya - Watch Yer Back. Word gets out about what you were doin', ya never know who's got it in there for ya. I dunno if I'm gonna recommend a shrink, or just have 'em toss ya in and throw away the key. This'll come up in the trial. I am gonna recommend there's no bail - the good citizens of this town don't deserve to have to put up with scum the likes of you. Your gallery's gonna go down the toilet, too."

Eddie pipes in - "hey, ya know, forget the subject matter, I gotta admit, you are a good photographer. You could become a great one if ya just use your God-given talents to give pleasure to this world instead of harmin' 'em with these hideous pics."

"But I do give pleasure..."

"We're talkin' the right kinda pleasure here. A kind that's not gonna be at the expense of others. You could still become a Scavullo or an Amsel if ya just get your head right. Of course, you're gonna have a long time to think about it."

I then said, "Yeah, besides the time yer gonna do for kidnappin' and distributin' graphic porn, there's the assault and attempted murder charges. Who knows, ya may never bust the joint. It's all up to you from here, pal. All up to you. Another thing - what other guys ya got tied up around here? Show me all the POW/MIA's."

"There aren't anymore - these two were the only ones left. I told you I just photograph them and release them."

"We're waitin'."

"All right, I'll take you to the holding area and you will see there are no more prisoners."

With his goons in cuffs and me-n-Eddie armed and pissed and rough-n-ready, I whip out my rod and tell 'im no funny business or I spray his head off. We're escorted into another holdin' area and see nothin', hear nothin'. I give the go-ahead, as Eddie, along with Chet and AJ keep watch on the bad guys.

MIKE'S THE LAST ONE OUT - TAKES A LOOK AROUND, EVEN PEEKS IN A CLOSET, SEEMS SATISFIED, THEN LEAVES. BUT SUDDENLY, THERE'S A MUFFLED SOUND OF SORTS COMIN' FROM THE SAME CLOSET. HOLY HIDEAWAY! THERE ARE TWO MORE PRISONERS BOUND AND SEMI-CONSCIOUS IN A CONCEALED AREA. MIKE MUST'VE MISSED IT BY A NOSE - WELL, NOT REALLY....

THE TWO HEAR THE SOUND OF A DOOR BEING KICKED IN, THE CLOSET DOOR BEING RIPPED OFF ITS HINGES AS MIKE COMES TO YET ANOTHER RESCUE AND STARTS SHOUTING AT THE CURATOR:

"You told me there's no more guys locked up! What the hell are ya tryin' to pull over my eyes? For a clever guy, you're pretty stupid to think I wouldn't catch anything you're tryin' to hold out on me."

"So, Detective, are you going to spray my head off as you so delicately put it?"

"Naw, killin' ya's too good for ya - besides, I'd like to defer that pleasure to someone in the joint who might be really pissed off at ya. By the way, my name is Scarface..."

...and I motion to AJ, Eddie and Chet...

"...say hello to my little friends."

And what a greetin' we give 'em. The four of us against the three of them - seems like a fair duel, dontcha think? Each of us except for Chet grabs hold of a bad guy -

"sorry, kid, not enough thugs to go around."

He groans, "Holy musical chairs - I was never any good at that."

"All right, fellas - time to bake a cake - what say we crack a few eggs, eh?"

And the three of us slam the three of their heads together.

"Three heads are better than one, eh, Boss-Man?"

"Ya said a mouthful, kid, a real mouthful."


EPILOGUE

Another done deal for the Dashin' Detectives, if we do say so ourselves. Chet's the first guy we take home.

"Ya gotta get that leg looked after. Can we take ya to the hospital? We'll wait with ya."

"Thanks anyways, but there's an infirmary over at school. The team doc can check me out there."

"Good plan."

Now Chet is free and we're on route back to the office. Eddie gets on the horn with Jake.

"Hey, Jake? It's Eddie Robinson - we got AJ - we're bringin' him back to our place. Meet us there."

BUT - Just as things are lookin' peachy-keen - we stumble across an ugly scene. A white van pulls up a little too close for comfort right near an armoured car.

"Holy grand larceny - an armoured car robbery!"

"That's what they think!"

We see a couple-a goons get out with rifles, charge at the guards, who are carryin' a pretty big wad of cash in those bags of theirs. They drop the bags and put their hands up.

"Not to worry boys, just watch 'em get a load of these."

Smoke grenades - enough to drive these bastards nuts. The poor sons of a bitch don't know what's hittin' 'em. The smoke bombs go off and me-n-Eddie charge at the perps, with AJ in tow, no less.

"Stay back in the car, AJ, you might get hurt."

"No way! I wanna get a piece of this action."

The three of us pulverize the two of them. The guards also get in on the act. Five sets of flyin' fists.

"Hey, Boy Friday - ya still think this isn't our day?"

"Not anymore, Boss-Man - not anymore!"

The bandits are hoisted on their own pitards, in a manner of speakin'. We tie them up with the plastic handcuffs they were gonna use on the guards. AJ and Eddie keep watch over 'em while I check on the would-be victims and call the cops.

EDDIE - I knew this was an awkward time to ask about what AJ said back at the scene of the crime, but I just had to ask, "Hey, AJ, that offer for ringside seats still stand?"

"You got it, pal. Absolutely."

"Hey, ya know, I never noticed this before, but, uh, those are some pretty hot shorts ya got on. I gotta get a pair like that for myself."

"Yeah, they feel real good on me, too. Nice and soft and silky. Ya wanna feel 'em?"

"You bet!"

Then we both get a real firm hand on our shoulders - it's Mike buttin' right in the middle.

"But only on a mannequin at one of the best sports shops in town, ISN'T THAT RIGHT, EDDIE!"

"Uh, well, uh, (GULP) Whatever you say, Boss-Man!"

"Good - that's the way I like to hear my Boy Friday talk!"

The cops show up and clean up the mess. My heart was poundin' and I was catchin' my breath. AJ was laughin'.

"Man, I almost got killed once today - I think that's enough."

NEXT UP - Nothin' major, ya know - it's just that there's some pretty good drama comin' up when AJ's reunited with his trainer and they stay at our place until his title fight - lookin' at the two of us to be his bodyguards. Yer not gonna wanna miss this!