CHAPTER NINETY - The Amazing Pearl
MIKE - This last case of ours was unbelievable. No, not the taxi kidnappers, that was a while ago and all is well with that. Here was another one - just another indication that the work we do in this life is far from finished. In a way, that's a good thing, 'cuz there's always use for guys like me-n-Eddie, but it's also bad in a way 'cuz there's yet another crime victim. These occupations out there aree always based on someone else's need. If I was a plumber, I'd probably be all pumped about a busted water pipe. Sometimes these thoughts do occur to me and I often wonder whether I'm just capitalizing on someone else's bad luck. I guess Eddie would probably grit his teeh and say something like, "holy existentialism", or something.
Anyway, I got a call from one of them what-ya-call an exclusive jewelry store, the kind where you need an appointment - I guess that's to keep the lowlifes outta there - no lowlife worth is salt is gonna wait around for an appointment, they're just gonna grab what they want and run. That's kinda what happened with this new nemesis of ours.
We get to this shop and find our callers with cold rags over their eyes, dabbing away at them. Aw, Jesus Murphy they looked bad, too, red, swollen, teary-eyed - we introduce ourselves and the story comes out.
"So what happened here?"
"Oh, God, it was awful. This woman comes in and was admiring a certain pearl necklace we had in stock. And I do mean had."
The other clerk chimes in, "it was a rarity in our catalog and is was valued and priced at $300,000."
Eddie says, "in your catalog? Ya got a photo of it in there?"
"We sure do"
The clerk opens the catalog to the page featuring the now-missing item.
"It is quite exquisite, isn't it?"
It sure was - I didn't think it was worth 300 G's, but it sure was a beaut.
"So how'd she purloin it?"
"Beg pardon?"
Eddie clarified, "What form of weaponry did she utilize?"
"I'm not really sure. It happened so fast. She had tried it on in front of a mirror to see how she'd look with it on, then there was a bright flash of some kind, and the nest thing we knew, our eyes were burning and we couldn't see a thing."
"Except spots."
"You definitely need to get your peepers checked out as soon as possible - no telling what damage that flash might've done."
Eddie asked what the pearl-pinchin' perpetrator looked like.
"Oh, she was quite striking - I'd never seen her before, but she walks in, heads right for the pearl's display case..."
"Hmm, sounds like she cased the joint earlier"
"She what?"
"Checked out the layout of the place at an earlier time."
"Oh, I don't know about that - I would've remembered seeing her before."
"Disguises - crooks are pretty good at that sort of thing."
"They start off that way, anyway, but then somewhere along the way they get too sure of themselves, then they slip up, and that's where we nail 'em!"
"Eddie's right - but, again, what'd she look like?"
"She had flaming red hair, very wavy, a lot of eye makeup."
"All dressed in leather, too - her hat, her coat, her boots, too."
"Can you recall any gesture she made before the flash bomb went off?"
"When she put the necklace on, she clasped it in the back, and was adjusting her hair, then I think I saw her throw something at us."
"And that's when the flash went off. I couldn't see anything after that, but I heard her running out and laughing."
EDDIE - I looked around a little while Mike interviewed the victims - not at the jewels, but for any security devices - I didn't see any, and I was curious.
MIKE - I folded my arms and asked, "Did she touch anything else in here - people sometimes lean on the glass when they're lookin' at stuff - maybe she might've left fingerprints we can analyze."
"No, she just waltzed right in and headed straight for the display case and pointed at it - the pearls were the only thing she touched in here, while she was closing it in the back."
EDDIE - "Figures", I thought to myself - I felt bad for these guys at first, as I would for anyone who'd just been a victim of a crime, but I don't think they were. Oh, there's a crime all right, but not a theft, I was gettin' to think. I kept lookin' to Mike to finish this up so I could let him in on my suspicion.
"Well, gentlemen, looks like we got all the info we need so far. Don't you worry, we always get our man, or dame in this case."
"You were right the first time, Boss-Man", I thought to myself, "two men."
As me-n-Mike left, he doffed his hat, such as he always does when taking off. I didn't, though, I just kept lookin' at them. We stepped outside the shop.
"Well, Eddie, looks like we got a real mystery here - a jewel thief who probably uses disguises. This might take a little bit."
"I think I got it wrapped up already, Boss-Man."
"Yeah? How d'ya figure?"
"No video cameras - no mirrors - especially in a jewelry shop. No fingerprints..."
"She might've worn gloves."
"Pretty hard to close up a necklace with gloves on - too cumbersome. Anyway, I think these guys were in on it - maybe staging this whole thing to claim insurance."
"Why would they call us in?"
"As a ruse. I really got a bad feeling about this - I say we go right back in there and nail 'em!"
"Not so fast, Kiddo, but ya got a good idea - we oughta check with insurance companies that cover jewels, just to see if any thefts were reported."
"Holy Lloyds of London - let's go."
Per my suspicions, we checked with several insurance companies, dealing with jewelry, and we found the one dealing with the shop in question. A robbery WAS reported. I asked to see the theft report. The insurance agent, one Mrs. Babcock, was reluctant, but I was insistent. Mike just grinned through the whole thing. He loves it when I take charge.
"I'm just not aware of what relevance that would have in this case."
"It's our suspicion that it was a false claim. Allowing us to access the report would clarify everything. It could even save you a few thousand bucks."
"Oh...well, uh...by all means - mi informacion, su informaction - heh heh..."
"Holy dollar signs", I thought to myself. Sure enough, it was somewhat different from what we were told. The woman did come in and steal the necklace, but she was armed with a knife. The two jewelers sustained cuts on their hands while trying to fight back, but were jabbed anyway. None of this was true, of course, we saw nary a scratch on their hands - not even a bandage. I loved this - we exchanged stories with the insurance company.
MIKE - As Eddie set about his business, I looked around the office and noticed a flyer with a very strange looking woman on it. "Funny", I thought, "this broad looks like the one these hosebags made up at the jewel shop. Maybe they saw this and remembered the image, or, maybe..."
I brought the flyer to Eddie's attention. "Sorry to interrupt, but..Eddie, take a look at this."
"Holy red herring!"
Just then, an office assistant walks in. "Excuse me, Mrs. Babcock, but....WHOA!"
"Whoa, Joseph?"
"My God, you're the Dashing Duo, aren't you?"
Another fan.
"The Dashing Duo?"
"Yeah, Mike Batz and Eddie Robinson - they're in the papers, like, every other day - they're in the crime section of the newspaper - heck, sometimes they ARE the crime section."
"Oh, I do apologize, Detectives, you see, I don't really read the crime section - much too depressing and horrifying - I much prefer the advice and society columns myself."
"Yes, Ma'am."
"But it's important to read the crime section so innocent citizens such as yourself know what's out there and how to protect yourself against becoming a victim."
"Wow, this is too much - I read about you guys all the time - Chuck Grant's column - I'm buddies with his shutterbug."
This just gave me a great idea - but I had to get Eddie alone to work out the details and pull this off.
Meanwhile, back at the "ranch", me-n-Eddie were pacing back and forth, my arms folded, his fist clutched, trying to sort out what was going on.
"The woman on the flyer perfectly fit the victims' description", I said.
"ALLEGED victims", countered Eddie, "the report they gave us differed greatly from that which they submitted to the insurance company".
"Indeed - hence the mystery in which we find ourselves enshrouded, but I got a plan. That kid back at the office mentioned Chuck Grant's articles about us. What say we give him a jingle and ask him to do some undercover reporting for us."
"Sure! Only..."
"...Only what?"
"Only if he just happens to bear an incredible resemblance to you."
"Eddie - you're suggesting I impersonate a newspaper reporter to gather information on our suspect under false pretenses?" [I chuckle at the thought] "I like it."
"Oui oui monsieur, with me shutterbuggin' away as Ricky Holstein. While you interview her, I'll be snappin' at any jewelry I find laying around, then e-mail it to the local jewelers. If they can identify any of these baubles, we got her for Grand Larceny."
"All right! Let's do it!"
And do it we did - before we took off for the carnival site, we obtained the e-mail addresses of any and all local jewelers around town, and told them of our plan. There had been quite a few thefts lately, and rewards out for any info. They extended them to us, too, but we declined, because restoring order and bringing scofflaws to justice is reward enough for us.
EDDIE - We hit the carnival site and looked around as we saw the fat lady, the strong man, the bearded lady, the sword swallower - you know, the usual suspects - not suspects in our way, but, you take my meanin'. The interview was fun - ya shoulda seen us - Mike was so convincing as Chuck Grant, tape recorder at the ready - and my Ricky Holstein was pretty easy to pull off - just look all wide-eyed and innocent while shutterbuggin' away.
"So, you are the Amazing Pearl, eh? I'm Grant from the Times - I think you'd make a pretty darn interesting story."
"Oh? Why is that?"
"Not only are you breezin' through town, but you're a celebrity to boot."
EDDIE - Pretending to admire the numerous jewels on her person, I gushed, "gosh, those are sure pretty".
"Oh, thank you - I'm glad you enjoy them. The are pieces I've recently purloined, uh, obtained - they were quite a steal all of them."
"Yeah, I'll bet".
"Would you like to photograph my collection?"
"With bells on."
I couldn't believe she was goin' right for our ruse. She opened up a display case and I snapped away, saying stuff like, "boy the readers are sure gonna love this."
MIKE - After a few minutes, the interview was over. Me-n-Eddie bid the
nice lady" goodbye, thanked her for her time, and went on with this case.
PEARL MAKES A PHONE CALL - SHE HAD A CALL TO RETURN AS THE PHONE RANG DURING THE INTERVIEW.
"Hello? Hi, Strong Man. How would you like to come over and work out on me - I'll make it worth your while. Would you believe it? My show's going to make the local newspaper, isn't that dreamy? Those two men? Reporters, of course - well, one was a reporter, the other one was his photograher. What do you mean no? The Dashing Duo? Who are they? Oh - - oh my God, well then they must be stopped at once. If my jewelry ring is exposed that'll be the end of me - I'll reach the peak of my beauty in prison! Seize them instantly!"
EDDIE - As we make our way outta this joint, we're approached by a couple of guys what look like gym nuts. They were meaty, beefy, big and bouncy, all right, wearing nothing by trunks and boots. They looked like superheroes, they stood with spread legs, crossed arms and clutching fists, but...holy antonyms...they were super - but far from heroes. Me-n-Mike were menaced in a malicious manner.
"Man, what gym were YOU guys born in?", said Mike.
"Never mind that - what were you two dicks doin' with the Amazing Pearl?"
Not knowing they discovered our true identities, we kept up the disguise, which they saw right through. We threw a few punches which nearly broke our hands, and that's when the wrestling match started. Me-n-Mike thought we were gonna win this one, it looked good for a while, but then somehow we were grabbed from behind. I stomped on one of the strong men's feet and turned around, trying to toss out another right hook, but it was all in vain. Pearl was summoned and she appeared momentarily.
"You two imbeciles. What made you think you could fool the Amazing Pearl? You're no reporters, you're the Dashing Duo and you're going to pay for being the Dahing Duo. I would never have known had it not been for my avaricious allies."
"And you call us imbeciles."
I suddenly get hit in the face with an aerosol blast.
"OW! I'm blinded - holy retinopathy - my eyes are burning."
MIKE - I got just what Eddie got. Me-n-Eddie fall to the ground, writhing, moaning, can't catch our breath.
"How long are we gonna BE like this?"
"Until right before you die, of course. This is a rather powerful jolt of Mace, known to bring men to their knees, as you have so graciously demonstrated for us."
"So that's it, done in by the wanton wiles of women's weaponry", I said, right before we passed out.
Next thing we knew, we found ourselves tied to a pillar of sorts. We regained our sight, but it was so dark in our makeshift prison, we may as well have still been blinded. A voice came over some loudspaker. It was Pearl.
"Have you woken yet, gentlemen? I would assume you have by now, since I measured out the dosage and am quite knowledgeable of its capability. You and your young friend are tied inside a shooting gallery - ducks - you know the game."
"Where pellets knock the ducks down and you win a prize."
"Originally, yes, and there are still pellets - for the most part. There are four 6-shooter air rifles - two of which are loaded with one actual bullet. Your chests have been aligned with the duckie's heads. As the conveyor goes round and round, your chances of survival are going down and down."
"Holy russian roulette!"
"Not Russian, Boy Breathtaker - not around here - I'm from Poland. I would make a wager, saying that if you do survive this trap I would surrender and accept deportation, but since you two will most definitely be dead sitting ducks, I see no point in carrying on this charade."
"The only charade is that you're going to get away with this!", I say.
"You are in no position to jump to conclusions, Defective Batty - oh, forgive me - Detective Batz - my English is a little off."
We hear her co-horts' voices in the back - "want me to pull the switch and get these guys goin'?"
"I thought you'd never ask", the heinous harlot hissed.
And we were off.
WHAT IS THIS? A GAME OF FAT CHANCE? A GAME OF SKILL, MINUS THE "S"?
HOLY RUSSIAN ROULETTE INDEED! HOLY SITTING DUCKS! DUCK, IN THIS CASE IS NOT A VERB THAT WILL SERVE THEM WELL - THEY'RE TIED SO TIGHT THEY CAN'T MOVE A MUSCLE!
READ ABOUT THE CONCLUSION IN THE NEXT CHAPTER - IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD TO DUCK OUT!
Anyway, I got a call from one of them what-ya-call an exclusive jewelry store, the kind where you need an appointment - I guess that's to keep the lowlifes outta there - no lowlife worth is salt is gonna wait around for an appointment, they're just gonna grab what they want and run. That's kinda what happened with this new nemesis of ours.
We get to this shop and find our callers with cold rags over their eyes, dabbing away at them. Aw, Jesus Murphy they looked bad, too, red, swollen, teary-eyed - we introduce ourselves and the story comes out.
"So what happened here?"
"Oh, God, it was awful. This woman comes in and was admiring a certain pearl necklace we had in stock. And I do mean had."
The other clerk chimes in, "it was a rarity in our catalog and is was valued and priced at $300,000."
Eddie says, "in your catalog? Ya got a photo of it in there?"
"We sure do"
The clerk opens the catalog to the page featuring the now-missing item.
"It is quite exquisite, isn't it?"
It sure was - I didn't think it was worth 300 G's, but it sure was a beaut.
"So how'd she purloin it?"
"Beg pardon?"
Eddie clarified, "What form of weaponry did she utilize?"
"I'm not really sure. It happened so fast. She had tried it on in front of a mirror to see how she'd look with it on, then there was a bright flash of some kind, and the nest thing we knew, our eyes were burning and we couldn't see a thing."
"Except spots."
"You definitely need to get your peepers checked out as soon as possible - no telling what damage that flash might've done."
Eddie asked what the pearl-pinchin' perpetrator looked like.
"Oh, she was quite striking - I'd never seen her before, but she walks in, heads right for the pearl's display case..."
"Hmm, sounds like she cased the joint earlier"
"She what?"
"Checked out the layout of the place at an earlier time."
"Oh, I don't know about that - I would've remembered seeing her before."
"Disguises - crooks are pretty good at that sort of thing."
"They start off that way, anyway, but then somewhere along the way they get too sure of themselves, then they slip up, and that's where we nail 'em!"
"Eddie's right - but, again, what'd she look like?"
"She had flaming red hair, very wavy, a lot of eye makeup."
"All dressed in leather, too - her hat, her coat, her boots, too."
"Can you recall any gesture she made before the flash bomb went off?"
"When she put the necklace on, she clasped it in the back, and was adjusting her hair, then I think I saw her throw something at us."
"And that's when the flash went off. I couldn't see anything after that, but I heard her running out and laughing."
EDDIE - I looked around a little while Mike interviewed the victims - not at the jewels, but for any security devices - I didn't see any, and I was curious.
MIKE - I folded my arms and asked, "Did she touch anything else in here - people sometimes lean on the glass when they're lookin' at stuff - maybe she might've left fingerprints we can analyze."
"No, she just waltzed right in and headed straight for the display case and pointed at it - the pearls were the only thing she touched in here, while she was closing it in the back."
EDDIE - "Figures", I thought to myself - I felt bad for these guys at first, as I would for anyone who'd just been a victim of a crime, but I don't think they were. Oh, there's a crime all right, but not a theft, I was gettin' to think. I kept lookin' to Mike to finish this up so I could let him in on my suspicion.
"Well, gentlemen, looks like we got all the info we need so far. Don't you worry, we always get our man, or dame in this case."
"You were right the first time, Boss-Man", I thought to myself, "two men."
As me-n-Mike left, he doffed his hat, such as he always does when taking off. I didn't, though, I just kept lookin' at them. We stepped outside the shop.
"Well, Eddie, looks like we got a real mystery here - a jewel thief who probably uses disguises. This might take a little bit."
"I think I got it wrapped up already, Boss-Man."
"Yeah? How d'ya figure?"
"No video cameras - no mirrors - especially in a jewelry shop. No fingerprints..."
"She might've worn gloves."
"Pretty hard to close up a necklace with gloves on - too cumbersome. Anyway, I think these guys were in on it - maybe staging this whole thing to claim insurance."
"Why would they call us in?"
"As a ruse. I really got a bad feeling about this - I say we go right back in there and nail 'em!"
"Not so fast, Kiddo, but ya got a good idea - we oughta check with insurance companies that cover jewels, just to see if any thefts were reported."
"Holy Lloyds of London - let's go."
Per my suspicions, we checked with several insurance companies, dealing with jewelry, and we found the one dealing with the shop in question. A robbery WAS reported. I asked to see the theft report. The insurance agent, one Mrs. Babcock, was reluctant, but I was insistent. Mike just grinned through the whole thing. He loves it when I take charge.
"I'm just not aware of what relevance that would have in this case."
"It's our suspicion that it was a false claim. Allowing us to access the report would clarify everything. It could even save you a few thousand bucks."
"Oh...well, uh...by all means - mi informacion, su informaction - heh heh..."
"Holy dollar signs", I thought to myself. Sure enough, it was somewhat different from what we were told. The woman did come in and steal the necklace, but she was armed with a knife. The two jewelers sustained cuts on their hands while trying to fight back, but were jabbed anyway. None of this was true, of course, we saw nary a scratch on their hands - not even a bandage. I loved this - we exchanged stories with the insurance company.
MIKE - As Eddie set about his business, I looked around the office and noticed a flyer with a very strange looking woman on it. "Funny", I thought, "this broad looks like the one these hosebags made up at the jewel shop. Maybe they saw this and remembered the image, or, maybe..."
I brought the flyer to Eddie's attention. "Sorry to interrupt, but..Eddie, take a look at this."
"Holy red herring!"
Just then, an office assistant walks in. "Excuse me, Mrs. Babcock, but....WHOA!"
"Whoa, Joseph?"
"My God, you're the Dashing Duo, aren't you?"
Another fan.
"The Dashing Duo?"
"Yeah, Mike Batz and Eddie Robinson - they're in the papers, like, every other day - they're in the crime section of the newspaper - heck, sometimes they ARE the crime section."
"Oh, I do apologize, Detectives, you see, I don't really read the crime section - much too depressing and horrifying - I much prefer the advice and society columns myself."
"Yes, Ma'am."
"But it's important to read the crime section so innocent citizens such as yourself know what's out there and how to protect yourself against becoming a victim."
"Wow, this is too much - I read about you guys all the time - Chuck Grant's column - I'm buddies with his shutterbug."
This just gave me a great idea - but I had to get Eddie alone to work out the details and pull this off.
Meanwhile, back at the "ranch", me-n-Eddie were pacing back and forth, my arms folded, his fist clutched, trying to sort out what was going on.
"The woman on the flyer perfectly fit the victims' description", I said.
"ALLEGED victims", countered Eddie, "the report they gave us differed greatly from that which they submitted to the insurance company".
"Indeed - hence the mystery in which we find ourselves enshrouded, but I got a plan. That kid back at the office mentioned Chuck Grant's articles about us. What say we give him a jingle and ask him to do some undercover reporting for us."
"Sure! Only..."
"...Only what?"
"Only if he just happens to bear an incredible resemblance to you."
"Eddie - you're suggesting I impersonate a newspaper reporter to gather information on our suspect under false pretenses?" [I chuckle at the thought] "I like it."
"Oui oui monsieur, with me shutterbuggin' away as Ricky Holstein. While you interview her, I'll be snappin' at any jewelry I find laying around, then e-mail it to the local jewelers. If they can identify any of these baubles, we got her for Grand Larceny."
"All right! Let's do it!"
And do it we did - before we took off for the carnival site, we obtained the e-mail addresses of any and all local jewelers around town, and told them of our plan. There had been quite a few thefts lately, and rewards out for any info. They extended them to us, too, but we declined, because restoring order and bringing scofflaws to justice is reward enough for us.
EDDIE - We hit the carnival site and looked around as we saw the fat lady, the strong man, the bearded lady, the sword swallower - you know, the usual suspects - not suspects in our way, but, you take my meanin'. The interview was fun - ya shoulda seen us - Mike was so convincing as Chuck Grant, tape recorder at the ready - and my Ricky Holstein was pretty easy to pull off - just look all wide-eyed and innocent while shutterbuggin' away.
"So, you are the Amazing Pearl, eh? I'm Grant from the Times - I think you'd make a pretty darn interesting story."
"Oh? Why is that?"
"Not only are you breezin' through town, but you're a celebrity to boot."
EDDIE - Pretending to admire the numerous jewels on her person, I gushed, "gosh, those are sure pretty".
"Oh, thank you - I'm glad you enjoy them. The are pieces I've recently purloined, uh, obtained - they were quite a steal all of them."
"Yeah, I'll bet".
"Would you like to photograph my collection?"
"With bells on."
I couldn't believe she was goin' right for our ruse. She opened up a display case and I snapped away, saying stuff like, "boy the readers are sure gonna love this."
MIKE - After a few minutes, the interview was over. Me-n-Eddie bid the
nice lady" goodbye, thanked her for her time, and went on with this case.
PEARL MAKES A PHONE CALL - SHE HAD A CALL TO RETURN AS THE PHONE RANG DURING THE INTERVIEW.
"Hello? Hi, Strong Man. How would you like to come over and work out on me - I'll make it worth your while. Would you believe it? My show's going to make the local newspaper, isn't that dreamy? Those two men? Reporters, of course - well, one was a reporter, the other one was his photograher. What do you mean no? The Dashing Duo? Who are they? Oh - - oh my God, well then they must be stopped at once. If my jewelry ring is exposed that'll be the end of me - I'll reach the peak of my beauty in prison! Seize them instantly!"
EDDIE - As we make our way outta this joint, we're approached by a couple of guys what look like gym nuts. They were meaty, beefy, big and bouncy, all right, wearing nothing by trunks and boots. They looked like superheroes, they stood with spread legs, crossed arms and clutching fists, but...holy antonyms...they were super - but far from heroes. Me-n-Mike were menaced in a malicious manner.
"Man, what gym were YOU guys born in?", said Mike.
"Never mind that - what were you two dicks doin' with the Amazing Pearl?"
Not knowing they discovered our true identities, we kept up the disguise, which they saw right through. We threw a few punches which nearly broke our hands, and that's when the wrestling match started. Me-n-Mike thought we were gonna win this one, it looked good for a while, but then somehow we were grabbed from behind. I stomped on one of the strong men's feet and turned around, trying to toss out another right hook, but it was all in vain. Pearl was summoned and she appeared momentarily.
"You two imbeciles. What made you think you could fool the Amazing Pearl? You're no reporters, you're the Dashing Duo and you're going to pay for being the Dahing Duo. I would never have known had it not been for my avaricious allies."
"And you call us imbeciles."
I suddenly get hit in the face with an aerosol blast.
"OW! I'm blinded - holy retinopathy - my eyes are burning."
MIKE - I got just what Eddie got. Me-n-Eddie fall to the ground, writhing, moaning, can't catch our breath.
"How long are we gonna BE like this?"
"Until right before you die, of course. This is a rather powerful jolt of Mace, known to bring men to their knees, as you have so graciously demonstrated for us."
"So that's it, done in by the wanton wiles of women's weaponry", I said, right before we passed out.
Next thing we knew, we found ourselves tied to a pillar of sorts. We regained our sight, but it was so dark in our makeshift prison, we may as well have still been blinded. A voice came over some loudspaker. It was Pearl.
"Have you woken yet, gentlemen? I would assume you have by now, since I measured out the dosage and am quite knowledgeable of its capability. You and your young friend are tied inside a shooting gallery - ducks - you know the game."
"Where pellets knock the ducks down and you win a prize."
"Originally, yes, and there are still pellets - for the most part. There are four 6-shooter air rifles - two of which are loaded with one actual bullet. Your chests have been aligned with the duckie's heads. As the conveyor goes round and round, your chances of survival are going down and down."
"Holy russian roulette!"
"Not Russian, Boy Breathtaker - not around here - I'm from Poland. I would make a wager, saying that if you do survive this trap I would surrender and accept deportation, but since you two will most definitely be dead sitting ducks, I see no point in carrying on this charade."
"The only charade is that you're going to get away with this!", I say.
"You are in no position to jump to conclusions, Defective Batty - oh, forgive me - Detective Batz - my English is a little off."
We hear her co-horts' voices in the back - "want me to pull the switch and get these guys goin'?"
"I thought you'd never ask", the heinous harlot hissed.
And we were off.
WHAT IS THIS? A GAME OF FAT CHANCE? A GAME OF SKILL, MINUS THE "S"?
HOLY RUSSIAN ROULETTE INDEED! HOLY SITTING DUCKS! DUCK, IN THIS CASE IS NOT A VERB THAT WILL SERVE THEM WELL - THEY'RE TIED SO TIGHT THEY CAN'T MOVE A MUSCLE!
READ ABOUT THE CONCLUSION IN THE NEXT CHAPTER - IT WON'T DO YOU ANY GOOD TO DUCK OUT!
posted by Brendan Chenowith at 1:16 PM
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