CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX - "The Odious Obliterator" or "A Killin' in a Kiln"

WHEN WE LEFT OUR HEROES, THEY WERE BABBOOZLED INTO A NEGOTIATION SESSION WITH BAD-GUY BOB - CASEY, THAT IS. HE'S THE DISGRUNTLED EX-EMPLOYEE OF A PLASTICS COMPANY WHO OVERPOWERED SECURITY AT THE OFFICE AND HELD ALL OF HIS FORMER CO-WORKERS HOSTAGE UNTIL HIS FORMER BOSS, MR. WALLINGFORD, HIRED THE DASHIN' DETECTIVE AND HIS BOY FRIDAY TO NEGOTIATE A SURRENDER AND AN END TO A STAND-OFF. UPON ARRIVAL, THEY WERE PINNED DOWN BY GUNFIRE BEHIND BULLETPROOF SHIELDS AND WERE LURED INSIDE AND SEIZED FROM BEHIND VIA CHLOROFORM TO THE FACE. NOW, BAD-GUY BOB AND HIS HIDEOUS HENCHMAN, ACE, ARE PLOTTING TO CARRY THE DOPED DUO TO THEIR EGREGIOUS END VIA A KILN IN THE BACK.

ACE IS BEGINNING TO HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT MIKE AND EDDIE'S LIMBS REMAINING LOOSE.

"Shouldn't we tie them up, just to be sure? What if this stuff wears off and they fight back?"

BOB THINKS FOR A SECOND AND SAYS, "ya know what? Sure - that'll be a good insurance just in case."

"Ya know somethin' else? Wouldn't it be great if they did wake up while they were burnin' up? Oh, imagine the screaming - I can just hear it now."

"Yeah, that would be pretty cool. They'll get the message that no one fucks with Bob Casey."

"Or Ace Henderson."

"Where do you get off includin' yourself in this?"

"Well, I'm helpin' ya kill 'em, ain't I?"

"Yeah, but you're just a helper - I'm the main man here, don't forget. Just like party-boy over there - the dashin' dick only keeps him around 'cuz he's an easy piece of ass."

"Ugh, gross - they're gay?"

"As the 90's."

"Man, that's another good reason we should listen to 'em scream. We gotta wipe this gay shit off the planet. It ain't decent."

SUDDENLY, ACE ALMOST GETS HIS FACE KICKED OFF HIS HEAD, BY A GORGEOUS HUNK OF TWENTY-SOMETHING ED!

"Oh, and you are, I suppose."

MIKE GETS UP AND PUMMELS BAD-GUY BOB WITH A RIGHT HOOK. FROM HERE, SINCE THEY WOKE BACK UP AGAIN, I'LL LET THEM TAKE OVER THE NARRATION.

MIKE - Me-n-Eddie really let these guys have it. Casey was so out of his mind, he didn't know what to say, so he just sputtered.

"What? What the hell? I thought you guys were knocked out cold."

Eddie says, "no, not us - but YOU'RE a different story!"

BAM!

He pummels the henchman and slaps on the hand-cuffs while I get into it with Casey, who somehow kicks me in the face and I go flying back. While regaining my sea-legs, he pulls his gun out and says, "I ain't just whistlin' Dixie, Dashin' Dick-head", then he gets a rag to his face, from Eddie. While Casey was strugglin', he fires off all the shots and I duck and bob and weave like crazy, to avoid gettin' hit. Eddie stands with hands on hips, spread-eagle, growling, "neither am I". He gets cuffed, too. I call the cops to collect these creeps and the henchman says, "I guess I didn't put enough of that stuff on those rags".

Eddie now crosses his arms, then pumps his fist into his hand and points at the henchman, all the while balancing himself on those gorgeous gams, as far apart as he could get 'em. While I get back up, I catch a view of his super tight butt, so I kinda take my time gettin' up, 'cuz I was gettin' it up, if ya take my meanin'.

"Yeah, well, maybe ya did, maybe ya didn't. We never inhaled it. We played possum."

"Ya held your breath?"

"Better than that, dirt-bag, we had nose plugs."

I finally get up and walk over and join in the gloating.

"Yeah, kiddo, that was a good plan on your part."

"Just in case your friend over there might've used gas or something. Ya can't get anything past us. We've been in this business too long - we think of everything."

"Bulletproof shields, nose plugs, and I should also mention...God on our side."

"We never got your name, what is it?"

"Ace Henderson."

"Did you work here with Bob Casey?"

"No, I was just one of his beer-buddies. He told me he got the axe and was pretty pissed off, so we went out partying and, as a joke, I said he oughta go back and start shootin' the place up, like a mailman. I felt pretty bad for him, and all, but I only meant it as a joke - honest."

"If you were only kiddin', why'd ya go along with it when he got serious?"

"Why didn't ya call the cops and warn 'em? Why'd ya help him try to murder us?"

"I'm his best friend, ya know. I mean, I lend him money when he needs it, give him rides and all, I do everything he asks me to, 'cuz I'm his buddy. Just like you two are buddies."

Eddie clutches his fist and says, "there's another difference between you guys and us. See, we do stuff for each other, we look out for each other - it's an equal give and take thing. I came up with the nose plugs, Mike came up with the shields. We're a partnership. Whereas it sounds to me like you let this guy use you - ya didn't mention anything he ever did for you. Does he?"

"No, not really. Guess he got a lotta stuff on his mind, I guess."

"He didn't care whether you went up the river, just as long as ya did what he told ya. You probably don't think very well of yourself if you keep hangin' around jerks like him. Ya married - have kids, stuff like that?"

"I was married, but she took off on me - took the kids, too - sayin' I didn't spend enough time with her...."

...and then it was as if a light bulb was switched on...

"...'cuz I was runnin' around with Bob."

"Looks like you'll be spendin' a lotta time around him when you're both locked up."

"Just a sec, Boss-Man - they know each other, so they might get locked up separately."

"Aw, Bob would never go for that."

"It ain't about Bob, here, Ace. We'll tell the DA everything you told us, maybe if you cooperate, you might still get locked up, but not as long as this guy would. I think this might be your ticket outta this so-called friendship with him."

"He's right, Ace. Bein' locked away from him, ya have a good shot at rehabilitation, get on your own feet, as they say. You could start a new life when you get outta the pokey. You work with us, pal, and we'll work with you."

"Really?"

Eddie nods yes and winks at him, "honest injun. We'll do everything we can to help ya."

[He always drove me wild when he does that - heh heh, I think he knows it, too - I started gettin' a little frisky there]

So then the cops come by and take their pick of the litter - that is, they pick up the litter, and me-n-Eddie are just about to get in the car and drive off, when I spot him lookin' kinda in deep thought.

"Holy apples and oranges"

"I don't getcha - whaddya mean?"

"I mean that guy comparing the two of them to us - where does he get the guts?"

I furrowed my brow and folded my arms and said, "well, I tell ya somethin', he's kinda right with that one. See - he felt a loyalty to his buddy just like you do to me, 'cuz we're buddies, ya know - and he wanted to be there for him, and all that. So it starts off good."

Then I put my arm around his shoulder, "BUT - that's where the similarities end. See, he made a real stupid joke which the other guy took seriously and that's what led to today's proceedings. You, on the other hand, are incapable of that sort of humor. Don't you go worryin' about bein' compared to dirt-bags like them, kiddo. We're the good guys, see? Always remember that. I love you."

I kiss him on the cheek. He puts his head on my shoulder, and I move my hand to caress his hair. I then look up, feel the warmth of the sun on my face and there's a nice, soft balmy breeze. It's a beautiful one, all right.

"Ya know somethin', kid? It's a beautiful day and it's early yet. Whaddya wanna do?"

He grabs both my arms, grins mischievously, and plants a bunch of rapid-fire pecks right on the lips, "what do YOU think?"