CHAPTER SEVENTY-FOUR - Wretched, Roguish Role-players
THIS CHAPTER BEGINS WITH OUR HELPLESS HEROES IN PURSUIT OF THE PERPETRATORS AND THEIR KIDNAP VICTIMS - TWO MEN DRESSED LIKE BATMAN AND ROBIN FOR A SUPERHERO CONVENTION. THE VAN CARRYING ALL CONCERNED PARTIES PULLED INTO A SECURED PARKING GARAGE ONLY ACCESSIBLE WITH A KEY CARD WHICH MIKE AND EDDIE DO NOT HAVE. OH, WHAT DO THEY DO NOW?
MEANWHILE, IN A BEDROOM IN ONE OF THE APARTMENTS, THE KIDNAPPERS LOOK ON AS THEY WAIT FOR THEIR VICTIMS TO WAKE UP FROM THE CHLOROFORM, WHICH THEY DO. THE MAN DRESSED LIKE ROBIN WAKES UP FIRST - HANDS AND FEET TIED TO THE BED RAILINGS. HE REALIZES WHAT A PREDICAMENT HE'S IN AND BEGINS STRUGGLING, ONLY TO BE TOLD:
"No good trying to escape, kid. You're here for the duration."
IT'S THE KIDNAPPER DRESSED LIKE RIDDLER
"Listen, you, whoever you are, you're not gonna get away with this."
"Whoever I am? Why, don't you recognize me? I'm the Riddler!"
THE BATMAN DOPPELGANGER ALSO WAKES UP
"Look. Cut the crap, fella. A little fantasy is one thing, but this has gone too far."
"Why who said anything about fantasy? This is your reality - once you don cape and mask, you're catapulted into another stratosphere."
THE ROBIN DOPPELGANGER SAYS,
"What are you going to do with us?"
"My boy, you can be sure my intentions are NOT honorable! SORRY to crib a line from one of my criminal colleagues, but I felt it to be apropo."
THE 'RIDDLER' STARES AT THE ROBIN'S LEGS
"Nice. I notice you're bare-legged - no tights. Always a good thing. I noticed that when I hoisted you over my shoulder, my hand on the back of your thigh. I did NOT want to let go."
HE LIGHTLY STROKES THE LEG UP AND DOWN
"Nice shape, not a hair out of place - not a hair anywhere, actually. Firm. muscular. I'd say you did some pretty good work on these. It's a shame I gotta mess them up!"
'ROBIN' PANICS "Mess them UP? What are ya talking about?"
'RIDDLER' CUTS THE CORD FROM AN OLD LAMP - REMOVING SOME INSULATION, EXPOSING SOME BARE WIRE. HE WEARS HEAVY GLOVES AS HE PLUGS THE CORD IN, AND SLOWLY ADVANCES TO THE 'BOY WONDER', WHO PANICS AND REALLY STARTS TO STRUGGLE.
"Please - I beg you - don't do what I think you're doing!"
"Too late. I'm already doing it. I've got to get you to cooperate somehow."
HE TOUCHES THE BOY'S LEG WITH THE EXPOSED WIRE, MAKING HIM SCREAM AND GYRATE. HE TRIES TO MOVE AWAY, BUT 'RIDDLER' TELLS HIM THAT NO MATTER HOW HE MOVES AROUND, HE CAN MOVE AROUND, TOO, AND ZAP HIM AS MUCH AS HE WISHES.
'BATMAN' THREATENS TO KILL HIM IF HE EVER GETS LOOSE
"Yes, that's right - IF you ever get loose. Loyal henchman - the point and venom, too."
"Gotcha, Boss!"
'RIDDLER'S HENCHMAN THROWS A PUB DART WHICH LANDS RIGHT NEAR THE BATMAN ACTOR'S COLLAR BONE, CAUSING HIM TO SCREAM AND STRUGGLE.
"Well, get the kid, too."
AND THE ROBIN ACTOR IS ALSO DARTED AND REMEMBERING THE TV SERIES, HE MOANS, "Holy D'artagnan", CAUSING THE 'RIDDLER' TO STOP.
"By Jove, I think he's got it!"
"Got what?"
"Looks like we got a couple of playmates."
THE BATMAN ACTOR SAYS, "Playmates?"
----------------------------------------------
MEANWHILE, OUR HEROES ARE STUMPED OVER WHERE TO FIND THE KIDNAP VEHICLE. EDDIE SUGGESTS THEY GO OVER TO THE MANAGEMENT OFFICE AND SEE THEIR RESIDENTS' RECORDS. BUT IT'S CLOSED
MIKE - "Damn. It's closed!"
Then Eddie asks, "what're ya gonna do? Use a credit card to pry the door open?"
I say to him, "Not yet - maybe we can jimmy the lock. Ya got anything in that tool belt of yours?"
"Gotcha, Boss", Eddie says as he looks for something.
I start lookin' for somethin' to jimmy the lock, but for some reason, I look up and notice a way in.
"BOSS! I got it! That transom up there - looks like it's open!"
"By God, you're right, boy! One of us can climb in there and open the door for the other."
"I'm on it, Mike!"
"Not just yet, kiddo. It looks a little narrow. You're muscles are a little too bulky for that, but I think I can squeeze in there. Gimme a boost."
"Roger!"
I clasp my hands together as Mike steps into them and uses me shoulders as a hand-hold. He gets up on my shoulders, but it's still a little high up.
"I got it. I'll hoist ya up there."
I grab ahold of the sides of the door and climb up, pushin' Mike as high as he can get.
"Good goin', Kiddo - I'm in. Wait just a sec."
The Boss-Man gets on the other side and shimmies down, opening up and letting me in.
"Okay, if we can JUST figure out which drawer has the parking garage files, we can see which license plate goes with which unit."
"Got my digi-can, Boss!"
"Good. Bring up the image with the license plate number."
We find the right drawer with the parking garage records on it. We start searchin'. As luck would have it, it's alphabetized. The van is registered to a tenant named Mitch Andrews.
"I GOT IT, BOSS! He's in Unit 2-C at Building A!"
"Great job, kiddo! Let's go kick some bad-guy butt!"
"NOT SO FAST! HANDS UP!"
Me-n-Eddie freeze, reachin' for the sky.
"Holy Johnson Wax! It's a Janitor with a Gun!"
"No, no, no what the hell are ya talkin' about? I'm security. Here's my badge."
Then he says sheepishly, "security and maintenance uniforms kinda look alike. But what do you think you're doin' here?"
I explain our presence.
"I'm Detective Batz - he's Detective Robinson. If you'll let us move our hands, we'll produce OUR badges."
"Not so fast. Tell me where they are - I'll get 'em myself."
This is one sharp cookie.
"I've had this tried on me before. I fell for it once - literally. As soon as their hands were released they clobbered me, took my gun and tied me up in a closet. No thanks to that again."
"I gotcha. They're clipped on our belts on the left side."
MIKE - Security feels his way around, then spots our badges.
"Okay, so you're legit. What's goin' on here?"
"Steve's Comic Emporium was knocked over - all the Batman merchandise was stolen and the owner and a friend of his were shot."
"Yes! And we staked out a Comic Book Convention and two guys dressed like Batman and Robin were kidnapped right in front of our eyes."
"Until we were maced, but we pursued them and managed to snap photos of the kidnap vehicle."
"We followed them here, couldn't get access to the parking garage, so this was the only way we'd find out which unit they're in."
Security thinks it over.
"Ya know - that sounds familiar. Man, I bet it's those two kooks in Building A!"
"What do ya know about them?"
"There's all kinds of complaints about them - always making too much noise - they dress funny, that kinda thing."
I ask if he has a pass-key - maybe we can get a jump on 'em!
EDDIE - We head out to building A. We keep our ears open at every unit we pass, then we start hearing familiar noises - at least familiar to me. Recreations of the Batman series.
--------------------------------------------------------
MEANWHILE - INSIDE THE APARTMENT - "Riddler" begins to cackle hysterically, "all this torment is getting me hungry - time to barbecue some Batman!"
"You don't mean the spit, boss?"
"Eggs-actly. Here, keep your piece trained on them."
THE HENCHMAN AIMS HIS GUN AT THE TWO HELPLESS, HAPLESS ACTORS. "BOY WONDER" IS UNTIED FIRST, BUT KEEPS HIS HANDS UP AND IS LIMPING DUE TO HIS LEG INJURY. "BATMAN" IS THEN UNTIED, ALSO ORDERED TO REACH FOR THE SKY. "RIDDLER" TURNS HIS HEAD FOR A NANO-SECOND, THEN "ROBIN" SUCKER-PUNCHES "RIDDLER", KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR. "BATMAN" LUNGES TOWARD THE HENCHMAN, AND AS THEY WRESTLE FOR THE GUN, IT GOES OFF.
MIKE - We hear a ruckus down the hall - must be them. We start running toward the sound, but then we hear what sounds like a gun going off, and a guy screaming, then some more noise. Me-n-Eddie stand outside the door, nod to each other, then break the door down, and we see the guy dressed like Batman holding his ribs.
EDDIE - I was furious. I saw the guy playing Batman clutching his ribs and grimacing, then the guy dressed like Robin had his hands up and one of the bad guys was aiming his gun at him, so we decided to divert their attention.
"DROP THE GUN - DON'T MAKE ANOTHER MOVE!" We kept shouting over and over.
Then the bad guys instantly did as we told them, getting kinda freaked out, begging us to not shoot them 'cuz the actors were only shot with air guns.
"Air guns?", asked Eddie as he ran over to the damaged duo to check their wounds. He noticed a bruise on "Robin's" leg.
"Wow, how'd that happen?"
"This sicko took a cut up lamp cord and stung me with it. How am I supposed to pose as Robin with a messed up leg?"
"I wouldn't worry about that - it's just a superficial mark - it'll heal. Let me check on your friend."
Eddie checked on "Batman" and saw there was no bullet hole in his outfit, or in him, for that matter. He turns to one of the bad guys,
"Hey, how close did ya shoot this guy?"
"About maybe an inch or two - it was only a blast of air, I only wanted him to fall over and scream for a second, I didn't wanna hurt him all the way."
I was getting confused about this whole thing - kidnapping, fake guns, scorching the kid with a lamp cord.
"Would any of you kink-oids mind telling me what the hell this is all about?"
"It's role play"
"'Scuse me?"
"Look, we dress up like the villains and make up new scenarios, getting a couple of guys to dress like the Dynamic Duo. We couldn't find any voluntarily, so we snatched a couple of them."
"well, all righty then - kidnapping, bondage, assault - not to mention being possible suspects in tonight's comic store robbery."
"Not only possible, Mike, but definite."
"Whatcha mean?"
Eddie spots a pile of comic books, still wrapped, with the name of Steve's Comic Emporium on the front of each issue.
"These are the stolen comics."
"Aw, shit - we never had the chance to hide those."
"So now we gotcha for breaking and entering and two counts of assault with a Taser Gun - NOT TO MENTION it's illegal for a civilian to own one in this state. How'd you get your grubby mitts on it in the first place?"
'Riddler' sighs and admits, "I slept with a cop once, and, well, you know...."
All I could do was just snicker and shake my head, "Jesus Murphy".
By now, I'm standing next to "Batman", who's standing next to Eddie, who's standing next to "Robin".
"So...you guys just want a little role play, eh?"
What's peculiar is that both Eddie and "Robin" are clutching their fists at the same time, and Eddie growls, "Oh, let's give it to 'em, Boss. I'm ready for a good-old-fashioned Bat-fight."
Then "Batman" intercedes, touching Eddie's shoulder and looking back and forth between me and him,
"Please let us - if you wouldn't mind. The two of us have been wanting to do this all night."
"Yeah, sure thing, be our guest. Me-n-Eddie will be over there out of range if ya need us."
So the bat-fight begins - I stand with my arms folded, legs spread, and Eddie stands at my right side, fist in hand, held up to his barrel chest, legs spread-eagle. We're enjoying this - here's the play-by-play:
Batman throws the first punch, sending the Riddler reeling and falling over...
"say, kiddo, that Bat-guy is pretty good."
...but his henchman sucker punches Batman from behind, only to be counter-clocked by Robin as he punches him repeatedly...
"and Robin's not that bad, either"
Robin grabs the henchman and throws him across the room, sending him to the nearest wall, at which me-n-Eddie happen to be standing. There's enough room for him to land right between us. We just look down when he crashes.
Eddie observes, "Gosh, that's gotta hurt."
"Ya think?"
Batman subdues the Riddler and Robin shouts, "slap on the bat-cuffs"
"I don't have any on me - they didn't come with the costume."
Eddie interjects, "Here, use ours."
I throw mine to Batman, Eddie throws his to Robin and the bad guys are all locked up and ready to go. I call 911 and get the cops over here in just a few minutes, then the four of us relax after a long night of crimefighting. We sit chatting for a little bit.
"Boy", says Robin, "all I thought we were gonna do was just walk around and pose for pictures all night. I never dreamed we'd actually go through this."
"Ya know something", says Batman, "I got a real kick outta this. It was a lot of fun."
"Maybe we oughta do this all the time."
"Wait, hold up there, guys", says Eddie, "now, this was all just a part of role play. Do you think you'd be able to tackle the real villains out there? Ones that use real guns?"
"Yeah, you don't wanna go out and get yourselves killed out there. You guys are only actors, after all."
"Yeah, I guess you're right - I just got a little carried away."
"Hey", says Eddie, "We never got your real names, or even saw your faces".
They remove their masks and reveal their true identities. Batman is actually Greg Burton and Robin is really Dick Adams.
"Believe it or not, those are our real names."
"Yeah, we laughed a lot about that when we first got together."
"So, did you guys meet through this?"
"Oh, no, we knew each other before. See, we've been together for a couple of years and had a real thing about Batman between us."
"Since we had that in common, we went out and got the suits, then we heard about these conventions and stuff, so we went for it."
"It pays a pretty good buck, but we still have our normal day jobs."
"Hey, Dick, speaking of which, maybe we oughta get back there - we still got some time."
"Holy AWOL< you're right - I hope they don't think we took off early."
"Never you boys mind. We still have our tickets and we'll be glad to go back with you and explain the whole thing."
"Gosh, that'd be swell!"
"Well, what are we waiting for? TO THE BAT-CONVENTION!"
And we were off - the rest of the night was a real blast. The convention organizers understood the whole thing and we were even publicly acknowledged for rescuing Batman and Robin and bringing them back safely.
A job well done.
EDDIE - Holy post-script - Steve and Scott were released from the hospital the next day and we went back to the convention with them. They got away with just a couple of bruises, lucky guys. We wanted to give them back their stolen merchandise and they wanted to see the convention, at least for one day anyway. They even got to meet Dick and Greg.
After everything was all over that night, me-n-Mike went back home, thoroughly trashed - it was a pretty long weekend, but a lot of fun.
"Ya know somethin', Boss? I know we've been through this a million times, but no matter how long we've been at this, it still warms my heart as much as ever to have been able to save the day. I hope I'll always feel this way."
Mike kisses me and says, "that's why I love you with all my heart, but I'm kinda gettin' a warm feelin' somewhere else."
He walks over to the closet and takes our costumes out - a huge smile comes across my face.
"Ya wanna have a little fun? It's our turn now."
"GOSH! YES!"
MEANWHILE, IN A BEDROOM IN ONE OF THE APARTMENTS, THE KIDNAPPERS LOOK ON AS THEY WAIT FOR THEIR VICTIMS TO WAKE UP FROM THE CHLOROFORM, WHICH THEY DO. THE MAN DRESSED LIKE ROBIN WAKES UP FIRST - HANDS AND FEET TIED TO THE BED RAILINGS. HE REALIZES WHAT A PREDICAMENT HE'S IN AND BEGINS STRUGGLING, ONLY TO BE TOLD:
"No good trying to escape, kid. You're here for the duration."
IT'S THE KIDNAPPER DRESSED LIKE RIDDLER
"Listen, you, whoever you are, you're not gonna get away with this."
"Whoever I am? Why, don't you recognize me? I'm the Riddler!"
THE BATMAN DOPPELGANGER ALSO WAKES UP
"Look. Cut the crap, fella. A little fantasy is one thing, but this has gone too far."
"Why who said anything about fantasy? This is your reality - once you don cape and mask, you're catapulted into another stratosphere."
THE ROBIN DOPPELGANGER SAYS,
"What are you going to do with us?"
"My boy, you can be sure my intentions are NOT honorable! SORRY to crib a line from one of my criminal colleagues, but I felt it to be apropo."
THE 'RIDDLER' STARES AT THE ROBIN'S LEGS
"Nice. I notice you're bare-legged - no tights. Always a good thing. I noticed that when I hoisted you over my shoulder, my hand on the back of your thigh. I did NOT want to let go."
HE LIGHTLY STROKES THE LEG UP AND DOWN
"Nice shape, not a hair out of place - not a hair anywhere, actually. Firm. muscular. I'd say you did some pretty good work on these. It's a shame I gotta mess them up!"
'ROBIN' PANICS "Mess them UP? What are ya talking about?"
'RIDDLER' CUTS THE CORD FROM AN OLD LAMP - REMOVING SOME INSULATION, EXPOSING SOME BARE WIRE. HE WEARS HEAVY GLOVES AS HE PLUGS THE CORD IN, AND SLOWLY ADVANCES TO THE 'BOY WONDER', WHO PANICS AND REALLY STARTS TO STRUGGLE.
"Please - I beg you - don't do what I think you're doing!"
"Too late. I'm already doing it. I've got to get you to cooperate somehow."
HE TOUCHES THE BOY'S LEG WITH THE EXPOSED WIRE, MAKING HIM SCREAM AND GYRATE. HE TRIES TO MOVE AWAY, BUT 'RIDDLER' TELLS HIM THAT NO MATTER HOW HE MOVES AROUND, HE CAN MOVE AROUND, TOO, AND ZAP HIM AS MUCH AS HE WISHES.
'BATMAN' THREATENS TO KILL HIM IF HE EVER GETS LOOSE
"Yes, that's right - IF you ever get loose. Loyal henchman - the point and venom, too."
"Gotcha, Boss!"
'RIDDLER'S HENCHMAN THROWS A PUB DART WHICH LANDS RIGHT NEAR THE BATMAN ACTOR'S COLLAR BONE, CAUSING HIM TO SCREAM AND STRUGGLE.
"Well, get the kid, too."
AND THE ROBIN ACTOR IS ALSO DARTED AND REMEMBERING THE TV SERIES, HE MOANS, "Holy D'artagnan", CAUSING THE 'RIDDLER' TO STOP.
"By Jove, I think he's got it!"
"Got what?"
"Looks like we got a couple of playmates."
THE BATMAN ACTOR SAYS, "Playmates?"
----------------------------------------------
MEANWHILE, OUR HEROES ARE STUMPED OVER WHERE TO FIND THE KIDNAP VEHICLE. EDDIE SUGGESTS THEY GO OVER TO THE MANAGEMENT OFFICE AND SEE THEIR RESIDENTS' RECORDS. BUT IT'S CLOSED
MIKE - "Damn. It's closed!"
Then Eddie asks, "what're ya gonna do? Use a credit card to pry the door open?"
I say to him, "Not yet - maybe we can jimmy the lock. Ya got anything in that tool belt of yours?"
"Gotcha, Boss", Eddie says as he looks for something.
I start lookin' for somethin' to jimmy the lock, but for some reason, I look up and notice a way in.
"BOSS! I got it! That transom up there - looks like it's open!"
"By God, you're right, boy! One of us can climb in there and open the door for the other."
"I'm on it, Mike!"
"Not just yet, kiddo. It looks a little narrow. You're muscles are a little too bulky for that, but I think I can squeeze in there. Gimme a boost."
"Roger!"
I clasp my hands together as Mike steps into them and uses me shoulders as a hand-hold. He gets up on my shoulders, but it's still a little high up.
"I got it. I'll hoist ya up there."
I grab ahold of the sides of the door and climb up, pushin' Mike as high as he can get.
"Good goin', Kiddo - I'm in. Wait just a sec."
The Boss-Man gets on the other side and shimmies down, opening up and letting me in.
"Okay, if we can JUST figure out which drawer has the parking garage files, we can see which license plate goes with which unit."
"Got my digi-can, Boss!"
"Good. Bring up the image with the license plate number."
We find the right drawer with the parking garage records on it. We start searchin'. As luck would have it, it's alphabetized. The van is registered to a tenant named Mitch Andrews.
"I GOT IT, BOSS! He's in Unit 2-C at Building A!"
"Great job, kiddo! Let's go kick some bad-guy butt!"
"NOT SO FAST! HANDS UP!"
Me-n-Eddie freeze, reachin' for the sky.
"Holy Johnson Wax! It's a Janitor with a Gun!"
"No, no, no what the hell are ya talkin' about? I'm security. Here's my badge."
Then he says sheepishly, "security and maintenance uniforms kinda look alike. But what do you think you're doin' here?"
I explain our presence.
"I'm Detective Batz - he's Detective Robinson. If you'll let us move our hands, we'll produce OUR badges."
"Not so fast. Tell me where they are - I'll get 'em myself."
This is one sharp cookie.
"I've had this tried on me before. I fell for it once - literally. As soon as their hands were released they clobbered me, took my gun and tied me up in a closet. No thanks to that again."
"I gotcha. They're clipped on our belts on the left side."
MIKE - Security feels his way around, then spots our badges.
"Okay, so you're legit. What's goin' on here?"
"Steve's Comic Emporium was knocked over - all the Batman merchandise was stolen and the owner and a friend of his were shot."
"Yes! And we staked out a Comic Book Convention and two guys dressed like Batman and Robin were kidnapped right in front of our eyes."
"Until we were maced, but we pursued them and managed to snap photos of the kidnap vehicle."
"We followed them here, couldn't get access to the parking garage, so this was the only way we'd find out which unit they're in."
Security thinks it over.
"Ya know - that sounds familiar. Man, I bet it's those two kooks in Building A!"
"What do ya know about them?"
"There's all kinds of complaints about them - always making too much noise - they dress funny, that kinda thing."
I ask if he has a pass-key - maybe we can get a jump on 'em!
EDDIE - We head out to building A. We keep our ears open at every unit we pass, then we start hearing familiar noises - at least familiar to me. Recreations of the Batman series.
--------------------------------------------------------
MEANWHILE - INSIDE THE APARTMENT - "Riddler" begins to cackle hysterically, "all this torment is getting me hungry - time to barbecue some Batman!"
"You don't mean the spit, boss?"
"Eggs-actly. Here, keep your piece trained on them."
THE HENCHMAN AIMS HIS GUN AT THE TWO HELPLESS, HAPLESS ACTORS. "BOY WONDER" IS UNTIED FIRST, BUT KEEPS HIS HANDS UP AND IS LIMPING DUE TO HIS LEG INJURY. "BATMAN" IS THEN UNTIED, ALSO ORDERED TO REACH FOR THE SKY. "RIDDLER" TURNS HIS HEAD FOR A NANO-SECOND, THEN "ROBIN" SUCKER-PUNCHES "RIDDLER", KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR. "BATMAN" LUNGES TOWARD THE HENCHMAN, AND AS THEY WRESTLE FOR THE GUN, IT GOES OFF.
MIKE - We hear a ruckus down the hall - must be them. We start running toward the sound, but then we hear what sounds like a gun going off, and a guy screaming, then some more noise. Me-n-Eddie stand outside the door, nod to each other, then break the door down, and we see the guy dressed like Batman holding his ribs.
EDDIE - I was furious. I saw the guy playing Batman clutching his ribs and grimacing, then the guy dressed like Robin had his hands up and one of the bad guys was aiming his gun at him, so we decided to divert their attention.
"DROP THE GUN - DON'T MAKE ANOTHER MOVE!" We kept shouting over and over.
Then the bad guys instantly did as we told them, getting kinda freaked out, begging us to not shoot them 'cuz the actors were only shot with air guns.
"Air guns?", asked Eddie as he ran over to the damaged duo to check their wounds. He noticed a bruise on "Robin's" leg.
"Wow, how'd that happen?"
"This sicko took a cut up lamp cord and stung me with it. How am I supposed to pose as Robin with a messed up leg?"
"I wouldn't worry about that - it's just a superficial mark - it'll heal. Let me check on your friend."
Eddie checked on "Batman" and saw there was no bullet hole in his outfit, or in him, for that matter. He turns to one of the bad guys,
"Hey, how close did ya shoot this guy?"
"About maybe an inch or two - it was only a blast of air, I only wanted him to fall over and scream for a second, I didn't wanna hurt him all the way."
I was getting confused about this whole thing - kidnapping, fake guns, scorching the kid with a lamp cord.
"Would any of you kink-oids mind telling me what the hell this is all about?"
"It's role play"
"'Scuse me?"
"Look, we dress up like the villains and make up new scenarios, getting a couple of guys to dress like the Dynamic Duo. We couldn't find any voluntarily, so we snatched a couple of them."
"well, all righty then - kidnapping, bondage, assault - not to mention being possible suspects in tonight's comic store robbery."
"Not only possible, Mike, but definite."
"Whatcha mean?"
Eddie spots a pile of comic books, still wrapped, with the name of Steve's Comic Emporium on the front of each issue.
"These are the stolen comics."
"Aw, shit - we never had the chance to hide those."
"So now we gotcha for breaking and entering and two counts of assault with a Taser Gun - NOT TO MENTION it's illegal for a civilian to own one in this state. How'd you get your grubby mitts on it in the first place?"
'Riddler' sighs and admits, "I slept with a cop once, and, well, you know...."
All I could do was just snicker and shake my head, "Jesus Murphy".
By now, I'm standing next to "Batman", who's standing next to Eddie, who's standing next to "Robin".
"So...you guys just want a little role play, eh?"
What's peculiar is that both Eddie and "Robin" are clutching their fists at the same time, and Eddie growls, "Oh, let's give it to 'em, Boss. I'm ready for a good-old-fashioned Bat-fight."
Then "Batman" intercedes, touching Eddie's shoulder and looking back and forth between me and him,
"Please let us - if you wouldn't mind. The two of us have been wanting to do this all night."
"Yeah, sure thing, be our guest. Me-n-Eddie will be over there out of range if ya need us."
So the bat-fight begins - I stand with my arms folded, legs spread, and Eddie stands at my right side, fist in hand, held up to his barrel chest, legs spread-eagle. We're enjoying this - here's the play-by-play:
Batman throws the first punch, sending the Riddler reeling and falling over...
"say, kiddo, that Bat-guy is pretty good."
...but his henchman sucker punches Batman from behind, only to be counter-clocked by Robin as he punches him repeatedly...
"and Robin's not that bad, either"
Robin grabs the henchman and throws him across the room, sending him to the nearest wall, at which me-n-Eddie happen to be standing. There's enough room for him to land right between us. We just look down when he crashes.
Eddie observes, "Gosh, that's gotta hurt."
"Ya think?"
Batman subdues the Riddler and Robin shouts, "slap on the bat-cuffs"
"I don't have any on me - they didn't come with the costume."
Eddie interjects, "Here, use ours."
I throw mine to Batman, Eddie throws his to Robin and the bad guys are all locked up and ready to go. I call 911 and get the cops over here in just a few minutes, then the four of us relax after a long night of crimefighting. We sit chatting for a little bit.
"Boy", says Robin, "all I thought we were gonna do was just walk around and pose for pictures all night. I never dreamed we'd actually go through this."
"Ya know something", says Batman, "I got a real kick outta this. It was a lot of fun."
"Maybe we oughta do this all the time."
"Wait, hold up there, guys", says Eddie, "now, this was all just a part of role play. Do you think you'd be able to tackle the real villains out there? Ones that use real guns?"
"Yeah, you don't wanna go out and get yourselves killed out there. You guys are only actors, after all."
"Yeah, I guess you're right - I just got a little carried away."
"Hey", says Eddie, "We never got your real names, or even saw your faces".
They remove their masks and reveal their true identities. Batman is actually Greg Burton and Robin is really Dick Adams.
"Believe it or not, those are our real names."
"Yeah, we laughed a lot about that when we first got together."
"So, did you guys meet through this?"
"Oh, no, we knew each other before. See, we've been together for a couple of years and had a real thing about Batman between us."
"Since we had that in common, we went out and got the suits, then we heard about these conventions and stuff, so we went for it."
"It pays a pretty good buck, but we still have our normal day jobs."
"Hey, Dick, speaking of which, maybe we oughta get back there - we still got some time."
"Holy AWOL< you're right - I hope they don't think we took off early."
"Never you boys mind. We still have our tickets and we'll be glad to go back with you and explain the whole thing."
"Gosh, that'd be swell!"
"Well, what are we waiting for? TO THE BAT-CONVENTION!"
And we were off - the rest of the night was a real blast. The convention organizers understood the whole thing and we were even publicly acknowledged for rescuing Batman and Robin and bringing them back safely.
A job well done.
EDDIE - Holy post-script - Steve and Scott were released from the hospital the next day and we went back to the convention with them. They got away with just a couple of bruises, lucky guys. We wanted to give them back their stolen merchandise and they wanted to see the convention, at least for one day anyway. They even got to meet Dick and Greg.
After everything was all over that night, me-n-Mike went back home, thoroughly trashed - it was a pretty long weekend, but a lot of fun.
"Ya know somethin', Boss? I know we've been through this a million times, but no matter how long we've been at this, it still warms my heart as much as ever to have been able to save the day. I hope I'll always feel this way."
Mike kisses me and says, "that's why I love you with all my heart, but I'm kinda gettin' a warm feelin' somewhere else."
He walks over to the closet and takes our costumes out - a huge smile comes across my face.
"Ya wanna have a little fun? It's our turn now."
"GOSH! YES!"
posted by Brendan Chenowith at 4:12 AM
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