CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR - Holy Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice

MIKE - With the bad guys all put away where they should be, Eddie back alive like he should be, AJ back with Jake and the two of 'em gettin' pumped for the big fight in just a few days as they should be, you'd think that ev'rything's back to normal, that it's all good. Well, it kinda appears like that, but the next few days get a little complicated. See, Jake, still sufferin' his gunshot wound, is a little outside-a-phobic, or whatever it's called when you're nuts about goin' outside by yourself, can't get the nabbin' and shootin' outta his head, he asks if he and AJ can stay with me-n-Eddie til it's all over, and they get the heck outta Dodge.

"You guys wanna stay with us til the fight? Why's that? Not that we wouldn't wanna have ya around, but what's the deal?"

"Detective..."

"Mike"

"Mike, me-n-AJ's been talkin' and we're both a little shaken by this whole thing, and we was wonnerin' if you guys could act as our bodyguards. I may be the boy's manager and personal trainer and all that, but this whole kidnappin' thing has taught me that I can't protect anyone worth a damn."

" I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Jake. Ya got in a few punches and a kick or two..."

"Right - just before I got shot."

"Well, there ya have it - ya took a bullet for the boy. Ya tried to save 'im - ya put your life so far out there on the line that ya took a bullet - in the leg, yet - and when you were strugglin' to get back up, the kid was already tied up and bein' yanked on his way out. Trust me, Superfoot, ya did ev'rything ya could."

Eddie was nearby, heard ev'rything I said, put in his two cents.

"Mike's right, Jake. In fact, this whole thing happened for a reason. If it weren't for AJ gettin' kidnapped, we never woulda known about this kinky photo ring, or the gallery or any of that."

"For a reason? What about you almost dying?"

"I did. I was actually in the next life. I met with a guy that worked with us for a little bit, when I was kidnapped and Mike had to find me. But anyways, that really tested my mettle. I was taken by accident, another guy shoulda been there, not me, but when we realized the mistake, I was still ready to give my life up, so the other guy, a young cop, could stay alive. But they said I'd upset the natural order of life, so I came back. The whole thing really showed me who I was. You and AJ served as the means by which me-n-Mike could get these guys and pounce on 'em, as well as shut their business down and rescue those other hostages. If you stopped them from gettin' AJ, these sick, demonic crimes would still be committed, those other three hostages woulda been killed. Your bullet wound also was proof of your love for AJ and your bravery. So this all happened for the best, my friend."

"Eddie, let's go in the other room and talk about this."

"Right you are."

We went into another room to discuss whether to act as bodyguards for these guys or not.

"I'm not sure about this, kiddo, what about you?"

"But Boss-man, this is what we do, this is what we were born to do. We rescued AJ as well as a couple of other guys, so bein' their bodyguards is kinda preventive. You seen how nervous Jake is and how down on himself he is. If we don't do this, then we won't be what people say we are."

"And what's that?"

"Heroes. Good guys. Let's be good guys, huh?"

"You make a valid point, there, kiddo. All right, they can stay til the fight's over. What the heck, they're goin' back outta town the nest day, so, let's do this thing."

Eddie beamed and exclaimed, "ALL RIGHT MIKE!" then gave me a sloppy one on the lips.

"There's more where that came from, my Cloaked Crimebuster!"

"I'll be waiting, my Boy Friday!"

My one concern, of course, was AJ takin' a likin' to my boy. Now, I know others have before, and he is a cutie and all, but this kid was gonna be in my house for a few days, he was always gonna be around Eddie. And there was somethin' else a-brewin' that none of us were ready for. Jake, himself.

Our first night together, we ordered Chinese and Superfuck, I mean, Superfoot, was showin' some red flags. He really played up his busted leg by makin' AJ serve him food, reach for napkins, even take him to the john, that sorta thing.

He watched how AJ was eatin', and just when AJ was goin' to get a second helpin', Jake stepped in.

"Hey, easy on that stuff, would ya?"

"Aw, heck, man, it's only Chinese - this don't put anything...."

"HEY! I think you heard what I said. You take one more bite and you won't be a middleweight anymore, you'll be another Jake La Motta, all fat and disgusting and pathetic. Then who the hell am I gonna manage?"

"Jake, come on..."

"No back talk, ya got it?"

He stared AJ down to where he wasn't gonna take any more - food, that is.

"Now, I'm done with my plate, would you please throw it away for me?"

"Uh, sure, Jake."

The poor kid was gonna take a lot more than that. I suspect he was takin' a whole bucket full of crap before.

Eddie gets up for seconds and Jake says to me, "ya sure ya wanna let 'im eat all that?"

"Nothin' wrong with that. He's a growin' boy. Besides, all that stuff's s'posed to be good for ya."

"I dunno - it doesn't look like he's gonna fight in any ring I'm a part of."

"Who says I wanted to?"

I was gonna halt the kid, mind his manners and all, but I thought old Superfuck, I mean, Superfoot, deserved what he was gonna get.

"Nah, no one, I was just sayin'..."

Eddie thought for a sec and came up with an excuse to get outta the livin' room and go see about AJ.

"Ya know, I think I need to get some more napkins. Be right back."

EDDIE - I went into the kitchen and found AJ just standin' there, starin' into space.

"Hey, AJ, you all right?"

He tried to save face, tryin' to make himself gain his composure.

"Uh, sure, yeah, thanks - - I'm fine."

"You don't look it - you looked pretty upset to me. Jake always give you a hard time like that?"

AJ started gettin' uncomfortable and fidgeting - "Uh, it's not a hard time - he's just lookin' out for me is all."

"Lookin' out for ya? By givin' ya what for about what ya eat?"

"Hey, it's important to maintain my weight classification - I'm a middleweight..."

"And what about this business about throwin' his trash out for him?"

"It's only to make sure I stay humble so I can focus on the sport itself, not the fame and fortune that goes with it, 'cuz it's not gonna last forever."

I walked a little closer to him, folded my arms, spread my legs a little, cocked my head to the right and squinted and sneered.

"Yeah? Is that really you talkin', or are ya just recitin' the spin this svengali lays on ya?"

Then he hits me with an upper right hook in the face. I go down, just inches from hittin' my head on a countertop. AJ panics and rushes over to me.

"Jesus, Eddie, I didn't mean to hit ya that hard. I just got pissed at ya, is all. Are ya gonna be okay?"

Tryin' to get my sea legs back, I said, "sure, kid, it's no big deal. I'll be okay."

Mike and Jake come runnin' in to see what's goin' on. They musta heard the punch and my grimacing didn't help any. They musta heard that, too.

Mike runs over to me, "Jesus Murphy, kiddo, what the hell happened?"

"AJ was just showin' me some boxin' moves and just went a bit far, is all. It was an accident."

Mike looks at me like he doesn't believe me, and he's right, too. I only said that so AJ could save face in front of Jake. I was gonna slip Mike the truth later on when we were alone. Him and Jake tried to get me to stand up, but I was so dizzy that my legs gave out. Mike said he'd carry me to the bedroom so I could pass out, and told one of them to get me a cold compress.

Mike put me on our bed, tapped my face to try to get my attention. I kinda laughed a little.

"Hey, Boss-Man, it's all right. But what I said happened wasn't true."

"Hey, no crap, Sherlock, I could read through ya like a book. What really went on in there?"

"I was bein' a detective. I suspect AJ and Jake have an abusive relationship, like he's his svengali or somethin', and I was tryin' to get the truth out, and like a good cornered suspect, he flattened me."

Mike chuckled and smirked, "yeah, ain't it the truth. Ya just can't stop dickin' for a minute, can ya. Always hot on the beat - my beautiful boy gumshoe. I know you were just tryin' to protect AJ and ya think he's in a bum spot and all, but it's really up to the two of them to get through it, unless one of 'em asks for help. We don't walk the beat unless we know somethin's up for sure, ya got that?"

I smile and say, "yes sir, Boss-man."

"That's the way I like to hear my Boy Friday talk. Hey, listen, I'll look in on ya later, and I'll just keep this whole AJ thing between us."

MIKE - I walk outta the bedroom and find AJ standin' there, right in my face.

"Somethin' on your mind, kid?"

"I just wanna know how Eddie is, that's all?"

"Ya mean Detective Robinson?"

"Huh?"

"You listen to me, pal, ya don't go around sluggin' someone when he's reachin' out to ya. That gift from God of a boy in there is an angel to me and I don't let anyone hurt 'im without answerin' for it. By the way, what the hell was that the other day - do ya wanna feel my shorts?"

"Nothin' at all - he was just admirin' them - he said he wanted to get a pair like that for himself and I was just tellin' him how good they feel on me. Hey, are ya gettin' all jealous on me?"

Busted - the kid knew what was on my mind, I had to come clean.

"Yeah - and so what of it? He was lookin' at your picture when Jake hired us to go rescue you. I didn't figure on you becomin' chummy. The kid and me are like twenty years apart. It gets ya sometimes, ya know. I just don't wanna lose him."

AJ smiled at me and said, "hey, the way that guy looks at you, you ain't got nothin' to worry about. Ya know who ya act like, to me?"

"No, who's that?"

"Batman and Robin."

I smirk and chuckle. I think Eddie woulda said, holy irony, or somethin'. I took AJ to the hall closet and showed him our bat-costumes.

"Yeah, the kid's been into that for all his life. That's why he became a crimefighter, just like his ol' pal, Robin."

AJ almost drooled at the Robin costume. "Wow, you guys actually wear these things? Hey, how's he look in this?"

"Never you mind - but, yeah, we put 'em on once in a while. I remember once Eddie thought we should fight crime in these all the time, but I says to him, I says 'Eddie', Batman and Robin are fiction. This isn't gonna give us credibility - why don't we just dress like this for ourselves.' So...uh, we do - once in a while, ya know. Don't say a word - not if ya don't want Jake to know you're rattin' him out."

"Aw, no, man, please....I won't say a thing."

"Does he hurt you? Hit ya, say bad things to ya?"

AJ put his head down, looked away, sniffed.

"Hey, look up at me. Does he?"

His face was all wet and he looked like he wanted to bawl for a real long time.

"Well, if ya don't wanna talk about it now, I can respect that, but ya know we're always here if'n'when ya do."

AJ just nodded, didn't say anything, but we were both startled, by Jake. "What's goin' on?"

"Oh, uh, nothin' - the kid was just uptight about sluggin' Eddie, but I told him it was okay."

"Sure. Hey, AJ, time to hit the sack - ya got roadwork tomorrow. "

He then started swingin' his arms, back and forth, snappin' his fingers, "come on, let's go - let's go - let's go."

AJ took off and Jake says to me, "Sorry about that, but the kid just doesn't listen sometimes. Ya gotta show him who's boss, if ya catch my meanin'."

"Show him who's boss? Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't he pay you? Isn't he your boss?"

"Look, pal, I don't tell ya how to solve a crime and you don't tell me how to train my boxer."

"Your meal ticket, you mean."

"Hey. If I didn't have this bum leg, you woulda had my thigh right in your face."

"Ah, yes. Didn't ya slap your leg a little hard, there? The leg that just sustained a gunshot wound a couple of days ago?"

"What're ya gettin' at?"

"Come on down to my office - we gotta have a little talk. My boy's gotta dizzy spell in there and your kid's gotta go joggin' in the morning."

We walked down to my office and I confronted Jake with ev'ry thing I had a feeling about.

"When ya first came to us, I saw the cast, and ya had your crutches and all, I just thought 'Jesus - poor guy - just got shot tryin' to save his kid', and all. I felt pretty bad for both of ya. Then when ya asked us to bodyguard the two of ya until the fight later on, I thought, 'oh sure - the guy's a little scared, needs a little protection'. AJ needs protection, all right, but not from some kinkoid who likes to take weird pictures, but from you."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Ya treat him like he's a supermarket stock boy with down syndrome."

"He's gotta stay in shape so he can have a good long career."

"Who's career ya lookin' out for - for real? His, or yours?"

Jake gets real riled up and stands up, goin' for me, pushin' his chair out behind him, standin' still on both legs.

"Hey, Superfungus, that's a real nice cast ya got there. Ya want me to sign it."

"Hey, get your slimy paws away..."

"This don't feel like a cast to me. It's got a seam in the back. Are you sure your wound's gettin' good support from a cloth cast?"

"It - it - it's a new type they're doing. Making you comfortable."

My hand was on the zipper in the back. I sneer:

"Oh, is that so?"

I pull down the zipper and look up and down for the wound.

"Interesting. Your bullet wounds heal faster than ours do. I don't see any scarring here at all. Ya wanna see some real gunshot wounds, buddy?"

I show him my hand from when my ex-partner shot me when Eddie was cuffed to a tree. I toiok my shirt off and showed him the two slug marks from that dame with the contract hit. The dart in the arm from the art gallery. The bullet I suffered from the Police Chief's whack-job of a wife at the Christmas party.

"There - ya see? These are from a while ago - but I'll always wear these marks for the rest of my life."

I grab him by the scruff of his neck

"You were never shot at all. You arranged this whole kidnappin' thing, it was all a hoax. You did this just to get me and Eddie killed. You were at the Gallery and set up the whole thing. Me-n-Eddie walked right in there and were greeted by poison darts that almost took Eddie's life, and they didn't do me much good, either. They hit me twice with those things. Why the hell did ya do it. WHY DID YA DO IT, YA SICK SON OF A BITCH?"

I couldn't control myself, I started sluggin' the guy. I landed a few punches, he kicked me a couple of times, knockin' me clear across the room. I ran back and slugged 'im a few more times, grabbin' him, throwin' him across the room. He finally gave in.

"All right - all right - all right - stop hittin' me, I give up. Yes, I admit it. I arranged it with them to lure you guys into a trap. I wanted you both dead."

"And you used that sweet kid as a pawn in your pungent, putrid plot. Aw, God, for the life of me, I'll never understand that. Why'd ya want us dead?"

"You ruined my guy's life."

"Who's your guy?"

"One of the cops workin' upstate. Yeah, I was his fuck-buddy, then when you had 'im thrown off the police force, and had him locked up, there went ev'rything. Do ya know what happened to him? I'll tell ya - he killed himself in prison. I went over to visit him and they told me. I said they were lyin', I wanted proof, and they showed me his body. He hung himself. Later I found out it was you guys who put him away and I wanted to avenge that. I still do."

"You must've been one sick fuck to put us through ev'rything ya did. You could've just stalked us and shot us down in cold blood, lookin' at us right in the eye as ya did it, too. I could've at least respected that. But what you just told me proves you're nothin' more than a snivelin' coward who can't even face his own foes. You call yourself a man. You're not even human."

"Oh, but you are - but not for long."

Before I knew it, he had a gun hidden and it was pointed at me.

"Get your hands up!"

DAMN! I was captured. I was his hostage. My hands were up. I was sweatin' bullets - pun intended.

"You know you're right. I shoulda just shot you down in cold blood. And that's just what I'm gonna do, too."

"What about AJ?"

"He goes down too, after watchin' you bite the dust."

"What about the fight?"

"I'm gonna blow his brains out right after it."

"Oh, yeah, sure, right after you take your percentage of the purse."

"Hey, I'm a workin' man - gotta make a livin' somehow."

"Don't tell me - ya got life insurance on him, too?"

"10 million big ones. I'll make it look like you and that boy bastard of yours ganged up on him, that he shot the both of you and ya both killed him with your last breath. So come on, Detective Christ, Calgary is waiting."

I walk out with my hands up, walkin' in front of Jake when I suddenly pretended to see a spider and stamp it out, but the poor thing crawled on Jake's foot. If he was gonna pretend to be lame, well, the least I could do was drive the message home. I stomp on his foot, he grabs it, droppin' the gun. I beat the holy hell outta him. Eddie had to be in on this, he'd never forgive me for bustin' a bad guy without him. I call out, "Eddie! Eddie! We got a live one!" I hear him moan. Aw, good Christ! He's in pain. I finished up the fight without him, he'd be sure to understand. I cuffed Jake and went outside and locked him in the back of the car. It's an old squad car with the gate up between the front and back seats - no inside handles on the door, shatterproof windows so the prisoner couldn't get out. I got it at an auction. The way I figured it is if me-n-Eddie couldn't be uniforms, at least we get to drive around like we were.


MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PART OF THE HOUSE, THE BEDROOM SECTION, NO LESS, NAMELY EDDIE'S BEDROOM.

EDDIE - I was just driftin' off to sleep when AJ knocks on my door, "Hey, Eddie, can I come in?"

"Uh, sure - I thought ya'd be asleep already. Don't ya have roadwork in the morning?"

"Nah, don't worry about that. I just had to see ya for myself, and to apologize."

"So ya hit me, it's no big deal."

"Naw, I mean, the attitude I copped with ya. Uh, ya mind if I sit?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"You're right - about ev'rything. Jake does ride me too much. The boxing association set me up with him. I wasn't doin' too good before, and they thought he could whip me into shape. It musta worked, I mean, I do have a title."

"Yeah"

"But he does get to me. We signed a contract and it's up pretty soon. I'm thinkin' of not renewing it."

"Okay"

"I let him get too far. It got too personal. He liked me and I started to like him, and....well, ya know."

"Yeah, real well. I joined up with Mike at first because I had a crush on him, then I wanted to be his partner, sort of payin' him back for savin' my life a long time ago. My dad kidnapped me when I was 6 and Mike found me and saved my life. I liked him ever since. I figured we'd fight the bad guys, I didn't know he liked me, too, and then....."

I started to smile at the thought of it. AJ caught on.

"So, you dig this guy, right? He been good to ya?"

"I love him with all my heart, and, yeah, he's been a god-send."

I walk out with my hands up, walkin' in front of Jake when I suddenly pretended to see a spider and stamp it out, but the poor thing crawled on Jake's foot. If he was gonna pretend to be lame, well, the least I could do was drive the message home. I stomp on his foot, he grabs it, droppin' the gun. I beat the holy hell outta him. Eddie had to be in on this, he'd never forgive me for bustin' a bad guy without him. I call out, "Eddie! Eddie! We got a live one!" I hear him moan. Aw, good Christ! He's in pain. I finished up the fight without him, he'd be sure to understand. I cuffed Jake and went outside and locked him in the back of the car. It's an old squad car with the gate up between the front and back seats - no inside handles on the door, shatterproof windows so the prisoner couldn't get out. I got it at an auction. The way I figured it is if me-n-Eddie couldn't be uniforms, at least we get to drive around like we were.

AJ blushed a little, "ya know, Jake's got kind of a sweet side to him, too."

"Sure - I bet."

"Naw, naw, it's true. He can be real good to me sometimes. Not often enough, but, sometimes."

I smirk and grumble, "uh-huh". That makes AJ laugh and we're both laughin', lookin' at each other, then his face changes, he looked hungry. Hungry for me. He leans over and tries to kiss me on the mouth, but I jump back.

"Wait a second, hold it. What're ya doing?"

He gets breathless, "My God, Eddie, I think I'm in love with you."

"Holy complications. AJ, it can't be possible. Look, I'm just a guy who's been nice to ya, but that doesn't mean you love me."

He grabs me and kisses me a couple of times, "but I am, Eddie. You've been turning me on since you broke into my trap and saved me, with those other guys. I watched you in action and I just gotta have you."

"Yeah, well, there was one other guy in action with me. You know, my partner? Mike?"

"But he doesn't have to know anything."

"He sure as heck does! I tell him ev'rything. I'm an open book to him and he knows how to read me. AJ, for God's sake, please don't do this."

MIKE - Anyway, back to the case. Jake was safe inside the squad car. This was one delivery to the police station I took pleasure in.

PLEASURE? MICHAEL, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE GETTING PLEASURE OUT OF THIS.


MEANWHILE, BACK TO EDDIE AND AJ:
He fondles me. He kisses me. I try to resist, but that doesn't last. I fondle him. I kiss him. It's a long, passionate kiss, to boot. God, he was good. His beautiful soft, supple lips inside mine. I licked his lips with my tongue. He slides down on me. He goes down on me. He unzips my pants. I open my belt and push my pants down. He takes my cock in his hands, strokin' it slowly. I felt a rush goin' right through me as he stroked my tip, and ran his tongue up and down my shaft. I held onto the bed railing, I had to hold onto something.

MIKE - I get back in the house and head for the bedroom, still hearin' the moaning. I was thinking 'don't worry, kid - I'll be right there' - I open the door and then.....

I stood in the doorway. I couldn't believe what I was seeing with my own eyes. My boy and Jake's boy - - together - - nude. Eddie was gettin' his dick sucked. By AJ. As if I hadn't been goin' through enough. A force of rage came over me and overcame me and I lunged at AJ, grabbing him by the throat.

"You get the hell off him, you slimy bastard, or I swear I'll kill you."

I turn and lunge at Eddie, too, then AJ piped in, "please, it wasn't his fault..."

It was then I knew I'd lost it. I took out my piece and started firing at him. He tried to get out of the room, but I fired a few more times, emptying my piece, and tossing it aside.

"You stay right there - I haven't even started with you yet."

Then I confront Eddie. I grab him and start punching him, a few hooks to the face, he tried to fight back, he raised his fist and I grabbed it. He was crying.

"No. Don't you even waste one tear. You have no right. This is only a fraction of the pain you've caused me."

I backed him up against a wall, ordered him to leave his arms at his side.

"You struck a blow to my heart, and I'm gonna do likewise. Just stand there and take what's comin' to ya - like a man. You know this is how I deal with all my enemies."

Eddie's eyes widened in horror. I started punching his face, then his stomach, landing a few blows to his chest. I gave him a backhanded slap across the face, then grabbed him and threw him on the ground next to AJ.

"You both did this on my bed. You both wanna be on my bed so badly, then you will."

I take them both and cuff 'em to the bed railing. I remembered Jake sitting out in the car, ready to haul off to the police station.

"You just sit there and think about all this. I caught Jake in a lie about wanting to rub the three of us out. This was gonna be a real victory, but you two turned it into a tragedy. Jake was gonna shoot us all to death, but I put a stop to that. Now, for the life of me, I wish I hadn't."

I walk out and slam the door behind me. I kept goin'. I had a prisoner to arrest. A case to solve. Me-n-Eddie were always happy when the bad guys got it. Jake turned out to be a bad guy and he got it. Now, AJ and Eddie were bad guys, too. Jesus Murphy, what was I gonna do? I did the only thing I could - I put on my hat and coat and did justice. Even if I no longer had anyone to share it with, I still was the best goddam gumshoe in the game. I still went out into the night, strikin' fear into the black hearts of the bad with my hat and my long trenchcoat, which swung furiously like a cape in the wind as I hit the streets. I was still the Dashin' Detective.

EDDIE - Me-n-AJ sat on the bed, cuffed. Usually, I'd try to break free. I'd struggle, but now, my foe was my lover, my partner. The only man I've ever really loved. If only Jake had come up and shot all of us. No bullet ever fired could cause me as much pain as the repercussions I knew were gonna come to me. Even though I had no right to do this, I began to cry. With his free hand, AJ touched my shoulder, to try to comfort me.

"No, don't touch me, please. Mike usually did that. I can't believe I could hurt him as much as I did."

"It was all my fault. I'll explain it all when he gets back."

"What if I lose him, AJ? What'll I do then?"

HOLY HUMILIATION! THE BOY FRIDAY CAUGHT IN A FLAGRANT ACT OF ADULTERY BY THE CLOAKED CRIMEBUSTER? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? WHAT IS TO BECOME OF THE DARING, DASHING DETECTIVES?

AS ALWAYS, ALL THE ANSWERS WILL BEGIN TO UNFOLD IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.