CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN "The Yuppie"

MIKE - We had this real strange case over the last couple of days - me-n-Eddie, that is. It seems there was a rash of bank robberies - nobody hurt, no hostages or anything, but it was a real strange bunch that left ya wantin' a shower after they were gone.

The cops were called and they called us. We showed up at one of them First National Banks - hell, they got them all over the place. First National Bank of this, that and the other thing. Anyhay, we get over there and two blue-boys are tellin' us what they heard just went down.

"Hey, there, whatcha knowin'?"

The cop was a pretty young rookie - now, I mean he was kinda young, sorta young, not pretty in that sense - although he was real good lookin'. Dark brown hair parted on the left side, face shaved cleaner than a baby's butt. He took down the facts from one of the tellers and was lettin' me in on the gist of ths situation.

"The blonde over at window 10 - she's the one he got. Said he walked up with these two chicks and he handed her a note. Then the two chicks started wavin' their guns around, yellin' at 'em all to get their hands up. Security over there pushed the silent alarm button, but he got caught, I'm afraid he caught a bad piece of lead, too."

"Uh-huh - okay, then, thanks for the info..."

"Boy I wish I was here earlier, they wouldn't have gotten away with anything. Me and my partner woulda nailed them right on the spot."

"Well, there is surveillance video and we got witnesses here and all that. What can ya do - you guys were out on patrol - that's a badge on your chest, not a crystal ball. What counts is you were here to comfort these people, checkin' on their well-bein' and all - but this dirt-bag is gonna be caught, you can make book on that. Anyways - Eddie, I'll go check out what the Teller's tellin', you get the story from security - and we'll let the blue-boys back on the streets."

"Gotcha, Boss-Man!"

EDDIE - I was to interview the Security Guard who was leanin' up against the wall, grimacin', holdin' his hand.

"Hey, pal, Eddie Robinson here."

"Oh, yeah, how are ya? I'd shake your hand, but I got a bullet in it."

"So I see - Paramedics should be on the way."

"Oh, God I hope so - man, this thing's burnin' up in me. Whole thing just happened about 10 minutes ago. We just opened up, and this guy walks in with these two girls, all dressed to the nines - I'm thinkin' 'holy Tony Orlando and Dawn', ya know!"

"Oh, it was a Mexican guy and two black chicks?"

"Well, no, but it was a guy with two babes walkin' in, and I couldn't think of anyone else to compare 'em to."

"Describe them"

"The guy was wearin' a three-piece pinstripe suit, had slicked-back hair, and the two chicks had these nice lookin' dress suits, I guess ya call them. Anyways, I'm scopin' out the threads 'cuz I'd like to get a suit like that, but I don't know - on my salary that is, but I'm lookin' and I see him hand the teller a note. She gets a little nervous and starts emptyin' out her cash drawer, then the two chicks take out these guns. I figure I gotta do somethin', so I was watchin' them - hopin' they wouldn't see me press the silent alarm over there. I kinda moved a little slow, ya know, sidesteppin'. I'd press the button, then take out my piece, but just before I let go of the button, the chick makes me and I get kinda nervous and then BAM! Right in the hand. She barks at me to put my hands up, blood runnin' down my arm. I'm like 'please, I'm bleedin' and she cocks the gun again and aims right at my chest. Then the guy yells out they gotta get goin', so they take off - that's when the cops came, and I guess they called you guys. Man, I hope my hand's okay - the short-term disability doesn't pay out much - I can't afford to be off the job very long."

I try to comfort the guy, sayin' that if this place is worth its salt, they'll make note of his bravery, and takin' one for the team.

"I can't get over it - how's a guy who can get these really great threads out robbin' banks?"

"Well", I chuckle, "if he's wearin' those kinda threads, he must be a heck of a bank robber, but not for long - as long as me and my Boss-Man are on the case - we'll put this guy outta business toot sweet."

The guard felt another stinging jab, "aw, holy carpal tunnel - I gotta get this outta me."

That's when the paramedics came in and treated him. I give 'im my card, sayin' if he remembers anything else, to just give us a call. Mike comes up to us, sayin' he's gonna get the surveillance tapes so we can look 'em over. I salute the guard, tellin' him "good goin'" and we're off, but not before Mike stops in the middle of the lobby to put the crowd at ease.

MIKE - Aw, Jesus Murphy, these people were all shook up, but we got what we need so far to start this investigation off and I just stop to tell 'em this:

"All right, folks, we got the situation under control, based on what witnesses tell us, we got the tapes, so just relax and go about your business - Batz & Robinson always get their man. Let's go, Eddie."

"Roger" and we were off.


"Excuse me - Detectives?"

I turn and quickly doff my hat and Eddie puts his hands behind his back and nods.

"Ma'am?"

"I don't mean to trouble you, but I've just finally remembered the robber's license plate number."

"Good JOB, lady."

"I wrote it down this time so I don't forget it again. It was a nice looking car, too, I was admiring it - he was parking when I was just a few doors from here. Funny, it's strange how I forgot a plate this easy to memorize. I kept trying to remember if it was "I'm a god" or "I am God" - silly me, transposing the m and a like that."

Eddie bristles as his fist hits his hand, "Gosh! Either a total narcissist or a blasphemer! Oh, you were right, Boss-Man, this guy sounds like a total loose cannon!"

"Did you get the make of the car at least!"

"Oh, who on earth could miss a Mini!"

Eddie says, "A mini what?"

"That's an English make of automobile. My parents were from the United Kingdom, you see, and while I don't have the accent, I'm very familiar with all things English."

"Yes, ma'am"

"Anyway, he was very nattily dressed with these two ladies at his side. At first I thought he was being a very naughty boy."

"He certainly was, ma'am - disrupting business, impeding the well-being of customers and staff, wounding a security guard."

She giggles, "oh, I meant being naughty with those two ladies. If you wish to call them that, certainly."

She then leans over and winks, " 'nuff said".

I doff my hat once more, "yes, ma'am - quite enough said. But, thank you for your information. You've been an invaluable help today. So, Eddie - looks like we got some tapes to watch and some plates to trace - ready to bust another one?"

"Yes SIR, Boss-Man!" He starts to run for the door when he forgets himself, and stops to tip his baseball cap to the lady, "oh...ma'am".

I hear the lady say to no one in particular, "oh, isn't that sweet? Father and son detectives."

Eddie hears it too and laughs when we're out of ear-shot. "Well, SUIT-DADDY probably."

Laughingly, I go into my Robert Young, "You did a fine job this morning, SON! A fine job indeed. I'm very proud of you!"

"Gosh - you think mom's got some milk and cookies waiting for us?"

"We put this dirt-bag away and you got somethin' a whole lot sweeter comin' to ya!"

Eddie grins and purrs suggestively, "oooh, yeah - how's about a little appetizer to tide me over."

"We-e-e-ell, okay - but only one - we don't wanna spoil your appetite."

"Daddy, I'm a growin' boy - I need all the nourishment I can get."

I look down at his tight blue-jeaned package. Then his wide leather belt with two rows of buckle loops which ropes around his shiny, baby-blue polo shirt, lookin' and smellin' like it just popped off the rack and onto my boy's six-pack abs. I put my hands on his upper arms and held him while we kissed - gently, softly, but passionately.

EDDIE - When my lips are on Mike's, I just feel like all the love in the world is holding me in its arms. Nothing feels sweeter, warmer, safer or more beautiful. I love the feel of his teeth as they gently nibble at my lower lip. I do the same for him. I'd do anything for him.

MIKE - I move one of my hands up to the back of his head, slowly stroking his shiny, smooth, silky hair. "Oh, God, your hair smells so beautiful - it looks so beautiful, just like the rest of ya."

EDDIE - We finish kissing, then we gaze into each other's eyes: mine - all wide and innocent and eager to learn; his - all knowing, all loving, all soothing. He smiles at me, "come on, Kiddo, we got a bad-guy to bust."

"Let's get 'em!"

Meanwhile, back at HQ - me-n-Eddie are lookin' over the surveillance tapes and we took both license plate numbers - that dizzy Dingle dame back at the S & L couldn't remember which was which, so we did both. Eddie gets on the horn to the cops and gives a more accurate description of the perp, based on the tapes, tells 'em that this guy may not yet be through for the day, that it might be a good idea to keep a squad car in the parking lot of every bank in the area. In the meantime, we got this guy's name, Chris Spencer, and his address, so we're gonna stake out his place at the same time.

"Chris Spencer, eh?", chortles Eddie, "typical yuppie name if I ever heard one. I wonder if they change their name when they get these jobs, just like actors, ya know?"

A flash of lightning just went out over my head, "Of course - bein' a bad guy, he must go around with different aliases. Good thinking, Eddie!"

Eddie just smiled and said, "awwww".

And we check the VIN on his car as well as his social security number, just to be sure, and sure enough a whole list full of names. I won't go into all that here, for the moment, I figured it'd be more fun for you all to hear his whole story as we confront him with it later on. Speaking of confrontation, it's "TO THE STAKE OUT!"

- - - - - - - -

We get to this guy's house - a nice-enough lookin' place, I'd guess, but I'm not here from Better Homes and Gardens, folks -I'm here to toss this maggott in the clink for at least 5 to 10. Anyway, Eddie starts snappin' pics of the terrorizing trio as they exit their car and go inside, then we skulk around the property, taking some more snaps, through windows and the like. Turns out there was an open window - we crawl through and just go about things real quiet-like.

"You brought the bugs?"

"Sure did, Boss"

We got a set-up in the car wherein anything this dirt-bag says at the point of confrontation will be played right back in his face in a court of law.

Now we got this maggott - me-n-Eddie always make the first move on these things - just like a lotta yuppies ya gotta be aggressive to get what you want. Anyways, we just barge right in - badges in hand. One of the dirt-bag's minionettes is sitting at a Reception Desk (aw, gimme a break), reading a magazine, like they all do, but apparently startled. If she wets herself, I hope they got an immigrant Janitor to clean it up - I ain't steppin' in nothin' I ain't gotta.

"You - Della Street, we wanna see your head honco - toot sweet."

"Oh, I see, do you gentlemen have an appointment?"

Eddie walks over to some inner office door, waving her off, "nah - consider us a couple of walk-ins."

"I'm afraid you can't..."

"Too late, sister, we already did."

EDDIE - We walk in the Yuppie's "office" and he's doing - what else - but playing miniature golf.

"Oh, sorry, there, Spence - I didn't know this was Wednesday."

We startle him and he misses his shot and he panics. "Dear God, NOT the IRS"

Mike folds his arms and chuckles at such a comparison, "Don't you wish - this here is Eddie Robinson and I'm Mike Batz - we're hard-nosed P.I.'s that are gonna put you outta business toot sweet."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I chime in, wringing my fist with my hand, "you don't have to know a thing - we're the ones that know it all. A series of bank robberies and the surveillance videos have your ugly puss all over them".

"Your wheels have been identified - only 'cuz some Eagle-Eyed dame was admirin' it while you were takin' off from one of your last, uh, meetings, this morning."

"If you come quietly, the system will go kinda easy on you - but I'm not sure how easy, what with breaking and entering, armed robbery resulting in the wounding of a security guard - assault with a deadly weapon, if ya take my meaning."

"All right, all right, I'll come quietly as you say - I still don't know what you're talking about, but I'll come down for questioning, if only to prove my innocence. In the meantime, could you give me 5 minutes?"

Me-n-Mike look at each other and back at him, and he unfolds his arms, lets them hang at his side, even though I still maintain my battle stance and balance myself on my eagle-spread legs as I grin wickedly at them, and he says, "Make it two and a half"

"Done. Miranda - Natasha, please come in and take a letter."

I say to Mike, "take a letter?"

"Boy, some guys just can't let go."

His two minionettes walk in carrying something we're not sure what they were. Then we found out. They're each armed with a crossbow aimed right at us.

Im startled at this and my arms go down. When I'm held at gunpoint, I'm sometimes not sure whether to raise them up, so I just hold them in mid-air, and I say, "HOLY WILLIAM TELL!"

MIKE - I figure out the letter angle.

"Great," I snarl with clenched teeth and my arms folded, "Crossbows shaped like the letter "A". How clever of you."

Each of them stands at one side of their boss.

"Arms at your sides, Detectives, you're my captives now."

"So, which of the two of us fires the opening salvo?"

"We settle this by alphabetical order. You first, Miranda."

EDDIE - Miranda - she's my assailant. I stare right at the barrel of her weapon, my body a wide-open target. She glares at me with evil in her eyes and slowly squeezes the trigger. A small arrow flies out. I hear the click of the trigger, the "whoosh" of the ammo flying right at me, and I catch it in my arm, just under my sleeve - directly in the flesh. "I'M SHOT!" - Gosh, did it sting - I pull it out, I'm in such great pain I can't speak, but I want to say, "why did you do this?", then I quickly sink to the floor.

MIKE - I'm hit in the right shoulder - I somehow manage to pull it out, and I wave it at them, tellin' them they're not gonna get away with this, but the drug takes effect on me, too, I grab my arm and hit the ground, nearly fallin' on top of Eddie. Oh, I'm pissed off, all right, I may be in agony, but that does nothing to my sarcasm, "so, what's your next bright idea for us?"

"You're going to suffer greatly until your last breath. These were drugged enough for paralysis, but not enough for sedation, I'm afraid. I don't let my adversaries off that easily. Girls, tie them up real good before it wears off."

The two minionettes did as they were bade - and they were so bad. Eddie was sort of layin' on his side and one of these bitches walks up with stiletto heels and pointed toes and kicks him right in the stomach, makin' him groan and since his arms were limp, he couldn't even grab it instinctively.

"I just love torturing big bad policeman - we couldn't do in the old country."

"You sick sadistic slut-bag - ya think you're so tough - steppin' on the kid after ya shoot 'im." I'm shaking I'm in so much pain, and my breath is labored, "when we get outta this, you are all gonna get it!"

Then this maggott speaks out, "Sorry, detectives, but your only way out is through death. Miranda, Natasha, come-come, dispose of these super-sleuths properly".

These broads were pretty strong, too, picking us up after our hands and feet were tied and haulin' us off to another room, where only the worst awaited us.

AND WHAT WAS THAT, PRAY-TELL! WHAT SORT OF SICK, SADISTIC SLIPPERY SLOPE HAS BEEN PLANNED FOR OUR HEROES! DREAD IT ALL YOU LIKE, BUT BE SURE TO READ ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR NEXT CHAPTER!