CHAPTER FORTY-TWO - Creepin' Christmas Cliffhangers, Boss-Man!

Ah, the Christmas season. Yeah, CHRISTMAS! None of that Happy holiday crap the PC cops make ya say. Man, we keep trippin' over ourselves to avoid offendin' others so much we won't be able to think for ourselves at some point. It's like whoever screams the loudest or has a really good mouthpiece to do a lawsuit with gets what they want these days. But, all crazy stuff aside, it's Christmas at Batz & Robinson, and at Mike and Eddie's place. If yer out somewheres and see someone and don't know what to say, just do a Merry Christmas to someone - take yer chances, take one for the team, tell 'em Mike and Eddie said so.

Hoo-boy this is my favorite time of year, I'm tellin' ya. Yeah, I dig the gifts and ev'rything, and I ain't a big fan of the snow, but the music, the decorations, the crowd goin' nuts shoppin' and stuff, people are a little nicer to each other, figurin' "hey, the big Boss-Man upstairs must be watchin', seein' as it's His boy's birthday and all". My old man never did nothin' for my birthday, but it's good to see that one old man's got his boy's back.

Christmas eve comes so doggone fast, but boy was ours a hoot! So much went on that day, and I'm here to tell ya - it started off okay enough. Me-n-Eddie felt like goin' for breakfast, and I had to make a pitstop at a convenience store, had to get a paper. We pull up and see something VERRRRY familiar to the two of us - Yep, you guessed it, a robbery in progress. How bold was that? Right in plain sight. Woulda given the average joe a heart attack, lucky thing that we're not your Average Joe.

Without thinking 'bout anything, we step on up to the plate and go for a grand slam. The doors were locked. Lotta good that did, we just crashed right in, scared the poor little buggers to death. I mean the robbers. One of 'em whips his piece out and yells out, "take another step and I'm lettin' ya have it!" Me-n-Eddie look at each other and laugh,
"Holy tourist trap, this guy must be new in town"
"let's inner-duce 'im to a couple of locals, like REAL fast"

A-a-a-nd we're off! The two of us just wailed the tar outta the first thug, knocked the piece right outta his mitt. The other guy takes his out and Eddie yells "GUN!" He's got us covered! What'll we do. Take it like a man, that's part of this business. We brace ourselves, but the poor bastard forgets himself and pulls the trigger. Guess what! It was a water pistol. The guy panics and yells, "oh, shit" - Eddie lunges right at 'im like a good boy.
"You slimy little rug-rat - this is DRY CLEAN ONLY!" and throws a right hook and knocks the guy against the wall. When he tried to run out, Eddie grabs him. "Oh, no you don't - I ain't through with you yet", cuffs his hands behind his back with one hand and gets 'im by the neck with the other.

I was still hangin' on to the other scumbag and I callled out,
"hey Eddie - what's that ballet you like so much!"
"you mean the Skullcracker Suite? - Just PERFECT for this time-a year!"

and we slammed their heads into each others' and stunned 'em but good. I snapped my fingers and pointed to the clerk, "you there, call 9 1 1!" Eddie standin' over 'em, says, "ya know somethin', Mike - I think I know what I want for breakfast - scrambled eggs". We cuff the bad guys and get the heck outta dodge. I handed my card to the clerk, sayin' send me the bill for the door gettin' fixed, "compliments of Batz & Robinson, Merry Christmas", and we split.

I get a call on my cell phone. It's the Chief of Police, "Can ya come down to the station right away?" Sensing the urgency I say "Course I can - we're on our way" I snap the phone shut, snap my fingers and point at Eddie, "Police Chief needs us right away - to the station" and we hop in the car and speed down to headquarters. We get there in record time and barge right in his office, and stand posed, ready for action, both with spread legs, me with my arms at my side, fists formed, eyes squintin', teeth gritted, Eddie - his chest pumpin' with adrenaline, breathin' through his mouth, lips slightly open as in a small pout, wringing his fist with his other hand, wide open eyes dartin' between me and the Chief, somethin's up. somethin' big. "'mornin' Chief, what's up?"

The Chief looks at us both, clenches his mouth, and stands up slowly - his big, beefy hands on his desk, his big, beefy arms supportin' him as he rose to his full height of 6'5", salt and pepper hair impeccably trimmed, parted on the left side, framin' his almost-jar-shaped face. Smilin' eyes, I call 'em. His eyes formed in such a way he looks like he always has a smile on his face, even if he doesn't. He gets from behind his desk, and swaggers over to the two of us. He folds his arms slowly across his barrel chest, his left hand, balled in a fist inserted underneath his right arm, his right hand, opnenin' up and touching his left arm. Aw, geez, this guy's a classic work of art. How many punches them arms musta thrown, how many bullets his chest musta stopped, how many punches to the gut and to the face, all in defense of the average joe who ain't out for no trouble, and he live to tell like it's an old war story - "them thugs tried to bring me down, but I got right back up and taught 'em a thing or two 'bout messin' with me!" - How many times that gravelly voice read the Miranda rights - slippin' that uniform on every day when he used to, the shirt goin' 'cross his shoulders like a cape, shades goin' 'cross his eyes, wrappin' 'round his head like a mask. Civil Service Superhero. Someone I could learn from, in terms of no-b.s., brawl first and ask questions later. Spent 22 years on the streets, we could use some more guys like him out there today. One crimebuster to another - it's an honor to be in this guy's presence. If I were on the force, that could be me, I could be the object of fantasy to two other guys, but we gotta take life on life's terms. I know Eddie idolizes me, he told me. I give 'im ev'ry reason, too. He stands between the two of us, arms outstretched, wrapped 'round us - a hand on each of our arms, my left arm, Eddie's right, we both look at 'im adoringly, worshippingly, "boys, somethin's come up, gonna need your help today", then the firm, gritted teeth dissolve into a huge, bearish, wet, sloppy smile, "we got a Toys for Tots thing goin' on today and, well, we need a couple-a guys to hand the gifts out - ya in?" Me-n-Eddie look at each other as if to say "huh?", then we smile and break out laughin'!
"Aw, man, ya had us there - I thought somethin' bad was goin' down!"
"Oh, it is, these poor kids, no family, locked up in an orphanage, don't get the kinda life that other kids have. Their parents can't get 'em any gifts 'cuz they either took off on 'em or they dropped dead. We need to give these kids a shot at a decent life, let 'em know they're cared about, that somebody out there loves 'em. Kinda like you, Robinson - you were kinda left to your own devices til ya met this big lug over here. You were lucky - sad to say there ain't a Mike Batz out there for ev'ry Eddie Robinson, wish there was. I kid this guy a lot, but I know how good he is for ya, and you two make a real good team. Just wish all-a these kids had the same thing. Anyway, we're dolin' out the loot in a couple-a hours, sure'd appreciate it if ya could."
"Oh, yeah, definitely, anything for them", we both kinda said in not so many words.
"Good, but there is one thing, we got these Santa and his Elf suits, ya know, to add to the festivities as it were."
We looked at each other again - blood drainin' from our faces, as if to say "he's kiddin', right?" WRONG!

I slip into my santa suit - hey, I'm older, what can I say. 'Sides, ya shoulda seen Eddie in his elf outfit, all nice and small and tight - just hugged that body of his. He was a little uptight about it at first, but then saw it don't look too different from the Robin costume, just the green part of it. He slipped on his tights - ri-i-i-i-ight up his calf, then the thigh, he ran his hands up his legs to smooth out the fabric and I followed him up with my eyes, all the meanwhile droolin'. I dunno what gets me goin' the most - him gettin' dressed, or undressed. I'll take him either way.

I figured I needed more than just my eyes goin' up and down on them creamy, shiny gams of his. I help him get his elf-boots on and as I slide them on his feet, my hand just kept goin' up, slowly but surely - I caress his calves, I stroke his shins, I touch his thighs, he was breathin' in-n-out, all breathless. I make it all the way up to under his tunic and start havin' my way with his cock-n-balls. I coo, "do ya have a package for Santa to open?" He looks up and grins, "it says not to open til Christmas" Blowin' that off, I say, "there's no law - I'm a gumshoe, I oughta know". I put my other hand on his shoulder to support myself as I move in for a kiss, a sweet, gentle, yet wet and sloppy. He takes my face in his hands and starts risin' up slowly, then he starts to stand up, too. We had a few minutes before we were supposed to go on, so we....


GOTCHA!






Oh, come on, now, didja really think we were gonna get it on in a police station, dressed like Santa and his Elf? Hoo-boy! Getcher minds outta the gutter, would-ya! I mean, yeah, I really did look 'im up and down, but like the Lovin' Spoonful says, what a day for a daydream.

So we go on, handin' out the gifts to the kids - Eddie handin' me a package with a kid's name on it. Some-a them - Jesus - God help 'em, ya know? Broken arms, bruises, some kid on crutches. Too bad I was Santa and not Mike. I'd get into the whole thing, "who's the rat bastard that did this to ya - I'll kill 'em myself." It took me back, as a kid who was busted up a little here-n-there. Ah, what can I say, my dad was a boozer - 'nuff-a that right now. So, anyways, on a lighter note, this little girl comes up, face of a real cherub, ya know. Kinda like the little Cupids, but that's a couple-a months away for Valentine's Day. Blond curly hair, little frilly dress, man she was adorable, just like a little doll. She kissed me on the cheek and said, "thank you, Santa", and I went into the whole ho-ho-ho thing, and the green giant was standin' next to me, speakin-a which. But the little girl went over to Eddie, motioned for him to bend down so she could reach 'im, and planted one on the face, too. I usually motion for him to bend over, but not for that (heh-heh). Sorry. So she says to him, she says, "thank you Mr. Elf". Not one for titles, he said, "naw - name's Eddie, kid". She got this really cure look on 'er face. "Ooh, you mean Eddie the Elf?"

Right then and there I thought I'd lose it. I couldn't keep a straight face. I started ho-ho-ho like nuttin' on Earth and it wasn't any act, either. After the presents were handed out, me-n-Eddie were about to mingle with the guests, it was a little sort-a reception thing goin' on. I snickered in Eddie's ear,
"Eddie the Elf, what a knee-slapper"
"That ain't what I'm gonna be slappin'". he growled with a slight grin - yeah, he was just puttin' me on. So we did that slo-mo fightin', all "come on put 'em-up, put 'em-up".

The Chief came over and thanked us for steppin' up to bat and takin' one for the team. "I tell ya somethin' Chief, me-n-Eddie are honored you asked us to do this".
"Yeah, it felt so good makin' those little kids happy, ya know. Good to give back a little once in a while".

Eddie was right - the two of us - we didn't have it so good as kids. I guess that's what makes us who we are, and why we got together in the first place. Maybe we were both out for somethin'. But we found it in each other. Aw, lookin' at the kids playin' with their stuff. Does a man good, it does - - really does a man good.

Gotta get real here - somethin' else I gotta tell ya. I almost had a kid. I went through a stage where I went out with dames, that kinda thing, and I had a thing with someone. We were kinda young, not much goin' for us. She got pregnant. We were all torn up. Didn't know what to do. "We gonna have it?" "I don't know, can we?" "I don't know". Finally she leaves me a note, sayin' to not try to find her, she's gonna run off and get it, uh, taken care of. Man, I cried like a baby - not even included in anything - no chance to raise the kid, or to even see him, or her, or whoever. Sometimes I thought about maybe she didn't kill it and just took off and raised it herself. Pretty tough to do, though, no matter who ya are. I sometimes imagine what this kid musta looked like, or how the kid turned out otherwise. Maybe it's good I don't know. Feelin' kinda lonely I started hangin' in bars, nightclubs, the whole nine yards - kept gettin' looked at by guys, then I had a few flings. That was better. I wasn't lyin' to myself anymore.

Well, anyway, the reception was goin' full speed ahead, had a few laughs (not ALL at Eddie's expense - oh, he took it all in good fun, no big deal). We even met the Chief's wife, lookin' a little pre-occupied, kinda mad, even. But she napped out of it and we introduced ourselves. I shook hands with her, how-da-ya-do, and all - Eddie, same thing. Poor lady had this stuff on that made her smell like she'd been enbalmed.

Bein' polite as hell, clearin' my throat, I said, "gee, that's some pretty-smellin' stuff there, what is it?"
"Oh, aren't you sweet! It's Moonlight Over Madagascar - it's all the rage. Oh, would you excuse me, please, I need to freshen up a bit. My, uh, sash is coming loose. Ta-ta!"

Eddie, if you remember, almost passed out once from the smell of car paint, so you can imagine how he was feelin' right then.
"Holy O.D. Cologne-y", he whispered, "ya think she's got enough-a that crap on?"

"All the rage", she says. RAGE was right! Smellin' that crap can make a mass murderer outta anyone. Some time goes by, we're gabbin' the time away. Pretty swell time we were havin', too.

THEN we heard a scream. That brought ev'rything to a screeching halt. "what the hell was that?" we were sayin' back and forth, as if anyone had an answer. Eddie suggested maybe someone else got a whiff of that perfume. "Oh, let it go, kiddo".

A woman runs out and goes on about findin' someone dead - a rope 'round her neck. I try to calm the dame down, "where's the body?"
"Just where I found it - in the ladies' room."
The Chief's wife gasped, "What? Oh, my GOD, what if that had been me? That could've been ME in there. I am so lucky whoever it was didn't get a hold of me. Poor woman, is she all right?"

We all looked at her, the Chief sayin', "Marilyn, she's DEAD, of course she's not all right! And, how do you know it's a woman."

"Well, uh, there was a murder in the ladies room, after all." Changin' gears real fast, she said, "Arthur, we simply must get out of here. Be a love and get my coat, will you?"
"Honey, we have to stay here. There's been a murder at the police station and you just wanna vamoose?"
"Well, I don't see what need I have to be here - I mean, I don't know what GOOD I'd do here. I'd just get in the way."
"Honey, be reasonable would you?"
"I'll do nothing of the sort, If you won't be a gentleman and fetch my wrap, then I guess I'll do it myself. Thank you very much, some husband YOU turned out to be!"

I heard the Chief mutter, "jeez I wish it was her they found". Then I ask the dame who sniffed out the stiff to take us to the crime scene. She didn't want to at first.
"Oh, I can't let you both in there. It is a ladies room, you know."
Eddie piped in, "not anymore, it's a crime scene. We're detectives, he's Batz and I'm Robinson"
"Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I - I guess I'm just...." She couldn't think of how to describe her state. "Follow me, it's right down the hall".

We go into the ladies' room and see the body with the rope on her neck. We go in for a closer look, seein' if it was maybe a suicide. Eddie somehow gets a whiff of somethin'. "Man, there's that smell again." He froze. A look of panic came over his face, he wrung his fist with his other hand and was kinda shaky. "Holy spine-chillers. Moonlight Over Madagascar!"

I got shaky, too, and stooped over and took a closer look. I almost wanted to weep. I put my hand on Eddie's shoulder, "my boy, this is what proves it." Sure enough, it was the little lady's sash wrapped around this dame's neck. Eddie swallowed hard.
"Wh-why would the Chief's wife wanna kill anyone? She's the Chief's wife, for Pete's sake."
Shakin' my head and tightening my lip, I snarled, "don't know, kid, I just don't know." I breathed heavily in and out. I stood up all the way - arms at my side, fists formed, legs spread eagle. Eddie stood upright, too, legs spread, wringin' his fist, lookin' at me. "Only one way we're gonna find out. This ain't gonna be easy. Back out to the crowd."

We went back out to the main area where the festivities were. Now the children were cryin'. That really made me sore. Of all days, on Christmas friggin' Eve. Someone snuffed out the day before the son-of-God's birthday, too. I wondered what He musta been thinkin'. The Chief and his wife met up with us. I said to him, "Chief, there's no other way I can say this, I'm very sorry." Then lookin' at his wife, I went on. "But now I know how your wife knew the stiff in the john was a woman" I looked down a little, then back up. "So, where's your sash? I guess you couldn't, uh, TIE it TIGHT enough around your waist, eh? But you COULD tie it tight enough around that poor woman's NECK, now, couldn't ya!"

She became indignant, "What are you saying?"
Chief was too. "Detective Batz, I will thank you to take back that awful remark this instant!"
"Would if I could, Chief. Would if I could."
Eddie piped in, "we found the sash around her neck and smelled the perfume your wife was wearin'. I wouldn't doubt her fingerprints would come up when the body's dusted."

The Chief turned to his wife, "Marilyn, tell them this isn't true. Tell ME this isn't true."
Marilyn swallowed hard. "All right, Arthur. After you tell ME that your affair with that cheap tramp was not true."

Me-n-Eddie were shocked. The Chief? Playin' around? All kiddin' about her perfume aside - the Chief havin' a fling? "No, Marilyn, I can't tell you it isn't true. I admit it. I had her pretend to be just one of the public. I was going to make excuses and meet her later. I'm very sorry, but I planned to tell you eventually that I fell in love with someone else."

Just then my mind flashed back to my temptation with Bobby Reed and how devastated Eddie was to find the whole thing out. Sure, I didn't go all the way with him, but all I could think of was the look on that poor boy's face when I 'fessed up.

Marilyn thought about it for a bit. "I see. Well, there's only one thing I can think of to do." The Chief agreed, "yeah, it's -it's best. I'll get some things and go to a motel for now."
"There's no need for that." She reaches in her purse and our eyes widen with horror as she takes out a gun. "HANDS UP, you're all covered!" She points it at all of us so as to keep any of us from gettin' drastic. Even some of the beat cops were frozen up. Can ya beat that - the wife of the Police Chief usin' a gun!

"For God's sake, Marilyn, be reasonable. There's no need to hurt anyone else."
"I'm not thinking of hurting, I'm thinking of murdering. YOU, that is! How dare you do this to me, after all these years! I've been faithful, understanding when you came home late, when you were working those awful hours as a patrolman. Hell, I even persuaded my father to bribe the mayor into appointing you Chief of Police, just so I know you'd come HOME at night."

Eddie shouted, "Holy graft! You gotta be kiddin'!"
"I am not! Tell them, Arthur. Admit it."
The Chief had no other choice. She really had 'im by the balls. This was one frightful femme fatale.
"Yes, all right. I'll admit it. I had no aspirations whatsoever at that time. I was a good cop. True, I didn't really walk much of a beat, but I did go through the academy and join the force. We were married shortly after I joined. I wanted to work my way up the ladder, but Marilyn started to miss me a lot. I didn't see my kids much, or her. I wasn't about to quit the force, either, so....this was the only way."

I looked around and saw the uniforms hang their heads in shame. They were all busted up. Eddie grew furious. "It's not enough you were ready to walk out on your wife and children like that. Not enough you'd invite your squeeze to a Christmas party - for THEM - those kids. Look at 'em over there, scared to death. Whaddya think you're doin' to their holidays? Haven't they been through enough? An innocent woman's life was taken - another woman's life was gonna be upheaved.
And if that ain't bad enough, what about the boys? They're out there puttin' their lives on the line, some-a them even lost their lives servin' and protectin' the good people of this town - under YOUR leadership, which you BOUGHT! Whaddya got to say to all of 'em? Huh?" Eddie's voice cracked, tears comin' to his eyes, he licked his lips. I put my hand on his shoulder. He lowered his head and cried.
"It's okay, kid, it's okay"
"(sniffing) Merry gosh-darned Christmas, Chief!"

I look at the two of 'em, the Chief and his wife, that is. She still had her gun aimed right at 'im. I whisper somethin' in Eddie's ear, he nods his head. I stared carefully at her trigger finger movin' back slowly pullin' the trigger. I shout "NOW!" and me-n-Eddie lunge toward the Chief. I had my arms outstretched to push him out of the path of the first bullet, but it caught me instead, slicin' the back of my neck and sendin' me fallin' back. The second shot caught Eddie in the hand, sendin' HIM back, too. A couple of shots hit the Chief after we were pushed outta the way. Uniforms flung themselves to try to subdue her and one poor bastard's head almost exploded with a shot. He screamed and grabbed his head as blood gushed outta the side. He went down like that. Kids and their guardians were screamin' and cryin' in terror, then the Chief's wife was finally subdued and handcuffed. A uniform read her the Miranda rights and she was about to be escorted outta the room and right to a cell. Just as she was about to be escorted, one of the kids' guardians walked up to her. "These children are going to be scarred for life because of what you did today. What have you to say to them?"
Marilyn just shrugged not carin' much, "So it'll toughen them up. At least they won't be walking around a spineless jellyfish like you. HA! Social Services."
"This is how spineless I am", he snarled as he throws a left hook right in her face, which sends her fallin' back, caught by the cops.
"Oh, such a powerful man you are, striking a lady."
"I struck you - not a lady."

CREEPIN' CHRISTMAS CLIFFHANGERS!
A MAULED, MURDERED MISTRESS!
CRYING CHILDREN!
BATZ BLEEDING!
ROBINSON REELING!
THE CHIEF'S PLANS BACKFIRING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!

HOW IS ALL OF THIS TO END?
WILL IT?

YOU'LL FIND OUT EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ARE AFRAID TO ASK - IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE - Bastard Bogus Bellboys

Me-n-Eddie's been cruisin' these streets for a little while now, lookin' for any courtesy vans from the hotel and weren't gettin' anywhere. "D'ya think by now they might've stripped it for parts or somethin'?" "That's possible". Then as we turned a corner, Eddie just happened to notice somethin'. "Whoa, the smell of paint. God, that stuff makes me nauseous." I caught a whiff of it, too, then it hits me, then I slam on the brakes. "What's up?" "Auto paint. I'd recognize it anywhere!" "You mean, they...." "You got it!" Of course, since the bad guys stole a van, they were gonna paint it, put on fake license plates, the whole shot. "Well, kid, that stuff makes ya nauseous, but it's our best friend." We circled the block a couple-a times, hoverin' over where the smell is the strongest. We happen upon a garage with an open door and noticed a green van sittin' inside. Eddie says "that's gotta be it. Shaped just like the others at the hotel." I also spotted green tracks leadin' from there. These slobs musta spilled the paint on the ground then sped off, pickin' it up. "Good, at least we know they ain't around, we can ambush 'em just like they ambushed Oscar, Joey and the bellboys." "Good plan" I take out two ver necessary tools for crimefightin', these I don't like to use much, but these are two whackjobs we're dealin' with here. "A piece?" "Yeah, we gotta do it in this case. You know how to use it if ya have to, right between the eyes." First off, we get outta the car and go in the garage real careful. The van still smelled of auto paint and Eddie whips out a flashlight and scans it up and down, seein' what looked like raised letterin' underneath. "I think I see some fancy writin' here." Eddie gently rubs it and fingers out a big C. C like in courtesy. "I think we got it, boss!" "Good fingerin', kid. Hopefully when they took off, they didn't take Oscar and Joey with 'em. C'mon, let's check the house."

We skulk around the joint, lookin' for some way in, gently pushin' windows and doors, "hey, I think I found it" and me-n-Eddie creep in, real quiet like. "We gotta be careful, kid", I whisper, "we gotta get the goods on 'em before they get us. Ya ready for this?" "I'm ready for anything with you, Mike, just lead the way." We both draw our pieces and inspect the place. Don't hear nothin', don't see nothin' - at least not yet, any-hoo. I motion to Eddie to stand back to back, in case one of us is spotted with our back to the bad guys. Don't wanna go into this unprepared. "Just keep your piece ready, kid, and your eyes peeled." We take a few steps in this way, then we hear somethin' goin' on, like a kinda moanin' or somethin'. Eddie hears it, too, whisperin', "whatcha s'pose that is, Mike?" "Dunno yet, but I think it's comin' from that way. Follow me, back to back." "Right" We start to go past a doorway and the sound gets louder. "Whatever it is, I think it's in there." Eddie's closest to the doorknob, so he opens it up, real slow like, and we take a few steps in and I can't believe what we see there. Eddie's eyes widen in horror and he almost lets out a yelp, I put my hand right to his mouth, "ssh, they might hear ya, they might be hidin' out", Eddie nods his head and I take my hand off his mouth and we walk over to Oscar and Joey. They're stripped down to tee shirts and shorts, Oscar in boxers, Joey in briefs. Fishin' wire is strapped across their biceps and ankles, which are tied to the legs of the chair. More ropes extend from their fingers and across to the triggers of two semiautomatic pistols, aimed right at their heads. "Creepin' comic copycats", Eddie mutters. "Huh?" "That's right, Batman and Robin were up against this sort of thing with the Scarecrow." I snap my finger, "that's right, they had to do some kinda somersault to duck when the guns started shootin'. Boy that was a scary one." "Well, they ain't gotta do that here, I got my wire cutters in my belt, let's just cut 'em loose." "Good thinkin', kid but we gotta be real slow. We don't wanna get popped, too." "'S all right if I get hit, just as long as none of them do." "That's real good of ya, but I don't want ya puttin' yerself in harm's way." "Bobby did it - for us. I'd like to think I'd do that for someone else if it called for it."

I took a minute and thought about 'im. Yeah, Bobby did a real special thing there. I know he bought an express pass to the pearly gates the minute he died in my arms.

First off, Eddie had Oscar and Joey bend as far forward as they could, "whatever you do, don't move your hands", then he went around to the guns. The ropes had been set to go from their fingers to the gun rack, up a pulley, behind the guns, and wrapped around the triggers. The Hernandez's bent forward, I measured the path the bullets would take and saw that they were out of the path, now, then gave the signal, "okay, kid, start cuttin'". He gingerly snipped the rope off the trigger but the gun went off, the bullet went through the back of the chair Joey was sittin' in, but it missed him by two inches, then Eddie dismantled the gun. Joey was safe, now it was Oscar's turn. We didn't wanna have another close shave, so I says to 'im, "on three, you bend lower and I'll hoist up the gun. Ready? One, two, THREE, BOOM - just as planned, Oscar hits the ground, I got the gun in the air. We all made it. We cut 'em loose and set about gettin' all of us the heck outta the house, at least Joey and Oscar. Me-n-Eddie had to clean up the bad guys. "No way, Mike, we gotta all be in this together." "Well, yeah, but what if you're killed?" "Hey, if I was still a cop, I woulda died that way, anyway" "Yeah, and if Oscar goes down, I wanna go down with 'im. He's my life and I'd rather lose my own life than to have to go around without 'im." Eddie gets wind of this and says, "boy, where have I heard that before?" "Uh,lemme guess - your own mouth?" He snaps his finger and points at me, "bin-go, Boss-man, bin-go!"
"All right let's get the hell outta dodge. It's a shame them creeps ain't back yet, I wouldn't-a minded wipin' the floor with 'em. Just then we hear, "start moppin'" Me-n-Eddie stand side by side to face the bastard bogus bellboys and Oscar and Joey did, too. There we were, the Fantastic Four vs, the Terrible Twosome, the Contemptible Couple, the Douchebag Duo. "Just one thing before we rip you a couple-a new ones. What's the deal with all-a this? Why'd ya do it?" "Very simple. We had a good little racket goin' on here, then this one pulls us over one night, and hauls us in, we ended up doin' 5 years for possession with attempt to sell and distribute. Ruined us for life. I read the Bible, I believe in an eye for an eye, so he ruined my life and I ruin his. Like I said, very simple". Eddie grew furious, "Pervertin' the word of God for your own putrid purposes - carrying out this vengeful vendetta. I'm sick to my six-pack stomach." I piped in, "You deserved to get pinched-n-plopped in the pokey. That crap's illegal no matter who the hell ya think ya are. And NOW whaddaya got! You're young, ya coulda picked up the pieces, but now ya got four counts of attempted murder to answer to, just 'cuz ya got pissed off at a guy who's only doin' his job. I'd love to take this piece and blow yer heads off, but that's lettin' ya off too easy. The four of us are gonna beat the livin' crap outta both-a youse, and yer gonna like it, too." The two thugs whip out a couple of switchblades, Eddie scoffs, "holy West Side Story". "Yeah, well the rest of the Sharks ain't gonna be no help to 'em now. Okay, boys, let's roll". They come at us swingin' the switches, but we got some fancy moves of our own. One of 'em comes at me and I duck, then Eddie gives 'in a real POW across the back of the neck, then the other one starts slashin' at Oscar and Joey, givin' 'em both a couple of papercuts, but any thug with a brain in his head's gonna know that while one's gettin' the brunt, the other one's comin' up from behind. We get the guys down on the ground, wrestlin' for the knives, which are still bein' waved at us, although kinda limited, since their hands can't move much. I take a slit in the hand, but that gets me even madder and I really go for this jerk's jugular, knockin' the blade outta his hand. I call out to Eddie, "hey,I got this one, get some of that fishin' wire, let this prick see how it feels". We get 'im all wrapped up like a Christmas present, just a shame we ain't got a bow to top it off. Then the four of us fantastically foil his fellow felon and there's yet another smatterin' of sweet success for the side of good.

The cops are called and come to collect and cart off the cold-blooded creeps. I kinda cop an attitude toward 'em, pointin' at Oscar, "that there's a good guy ya canned for absolutely nothin'. He was one of the finest cops I ever knew. You tell your chief that for me, all right?" The young officer didn't know what I was talkin' about or what to make of me, but just nodded and said "okay" and these loathsome leeches were lugged outta my sight where they belong. Oscar and Joey come up to us. "Mike, I don't know how to thank you. You saved both our lives. You were both on vacation and yet you still fought for us. We owe you our lives." "Now you boys don't even think of that. Me and Eddie's lives are devoted to the fight against crime and it's a call we answer proudly. There's always time for a little R-n-R, but only after we know we did our jobs, and did 'em good." He took my hand in his and said, "ya haven't changed a bit - no I take that back - ya got better. You're one of the finest men that ever lived, Mike Batz, and it's a gift from God that I have you on my side." We hugged and Eddie was standin' right there. Oscar then puts his arm around Eddie and leads him to another room, sayin' he's gotta talk to 'im.

EDDIE - Me-n-Oscar never got to know each other much, seein' as he was kidnapped and all, but we got off on the wrong foot when I thought he was musclin' in on the Boss-Man, so he wanted to talk to me right after everything. He takes me into another room and we both sit down and his eyes were just burnin' through mine. "Hey, uh, looks like me-n-you got off on the wrong foot and I just wanna say I'm sorry about that and to say what a great job ya did savin' us and ev'rything." I wondered why he was bein' so friendly all of a sudden. Did he want somethin'? Was he throwin' me off the scent, savin' it to go off on me later on, was he gonna smack me? I didn't know. I didn't trust this guy for some reason. Between you and me, I take my realtionship with Mike a day at a time. I never told no one this, but when my old man took off, my mom had a boyfriend who always gave me a bunch of crap, callin' me "faggot" and that kinda thing, which really hurt, ya know - "why ya wanna join the cops - why ya always clippin' stuff outta the newspapers", that kinda thing, "ya some kinda faggot or somethin'!" He smacked me around a bit. Boy, ya talk about gettin' outta the fryin' pan and into the fire. So, between him and my old man, guess ya can say I went lookin' for a dad somewhere else. So anyways, Oscar takes my hands in his and says, "I only went off on ya 'cuz I love the big lug as much as you do. I was still protectin' him, makin' sure no one hurts him - absolutely NO ONE does nothin' to Mike Batz and gets away with it. It's just like how you are with 'im. You're his sidekick through and through. So was I for a little while." "I thought you was a cop up there" "Oh, yeah, I was, but this was some spare time stuff, guess ya can say I just couldn't turn the crimefightin' off just 'cuz the uniform came off. But, in any case, I dunno if he ever told ya anything, so don't say I said nothin', but.....he, uh....." I kept starin', kinda eggin' 'im on inside, like sayin' "well, out with it then, what's with Mike, what happened", he drew a long breath and finally admitted, "now, you guard this secret with your life. If the Iraqis come and chop off your head unless ya talk, you don't say nothin', especially that ya heard it from me. My old man was on the job, took a call for domestic. He didn't think it was gonna be anything, ya know, old man don't wanna eat spaghetti for supper for the 5th time, so he throws it on the wall, that kinda stuff. He caught Mike's old man red-handed molestin' him." I was really spooked. "Holy post-traumatic stress disorders, how old was he?" "Fifteen. But he looked like he was 12, bein' kinda short back then." My heart was crushed. It hurt too much to think about. I was almost tearin' up. "Boy my old man got real pissed off and threw the bum off-a him, he really wanted to kill 'im. Then Mike's old man put up a fight, ran into a kitchen, grabbed a knife, then came out swingin', catchin' a few cops in the facem the hands, the arms, and all, then my old man broke away from the knife-swingin' and popped 'im in the head. He takes 'im in as a foster kid, nothin' official, no hagglin' with authorities or nothin', just let 'im stay around. I got to know him real good then. We were real good friends. We did have a thing, I mean, how can you resist that gravelly voice and that swagger of his?" I chuckled and said, "God knows I never could". So, as we got older, we both tried out for the force. I got in, but he didn't. Christ he was crushed. He talked about killin' 'imself. Drank a lot. He split for a while, no one heard nothin', but I was always thinkin' of 'im. Finally I find out he's a gumshoe. Like I told ya, I did some crimebustin' with 'im on my off-duty. Man, I loved bein' his sidekick, even though it was only sometimes, but you got the full-time gig, my friend. So that's what this is all about, here. Take that info I gave ya and make it good for 'im. He's all broke up inside, maybe even for life, but if you're good for 'im, that'll make it easy on 'im. Well, anyways, I gotta get goin' to see a mouthpiece about a lawsuit against the cops. They may not take me back, but at least I'll see about back pay. I think you and Mike got somewheres to go, too...." He was about to get walkin' when I took him by the arm, "uh, Oscar.....thanks for tellin' me about Mike. I'll never bring it up again, but I appreciate it just the same." Oscar grins and says, "aw, don't sweat it, kid" and pretends to throw a right hook to my jaw, which I pretend to block. "Good reflexes. Betcha bust a bunch-a bad-guy balls." "Thanks - good alliteration on ya" "Well, I learn from the best".

MIKE - I told Oscar not to sweat it, the lawsuit for his back wages, that I'd get my mouthpiece goin' on it. That's gonna be some time, I'm afraid. Her really got messed up with that whole thing. We then looked in on our wounded bellboys. They were the first hostages taken by these loathsome lepers and were both shot in the back. Luckily enough for 'em, their wounds were only skin deep, but they sure hurt like a mother. I should know, been there a few times myself. Wouldn't ya know it, they both decide to become cops. After they get outta the hospital, they're goin' straight to the PD down here and see about gettin'in. We wished them luck and headed on our way.

After a few days of R-n-R, for real this time, Eddie and me were packin' up, ready to get the hell outta dodge. He was about halfway through when he stopped and paused, somethin' really bitin' him, so I asked, "hey, kiddo, what's bitin' at ya?" "the whole thing bothers me - - those guys imitatin' the Scarecrow trap. These guys give comic readers a bad name. I read the same comics and any situation I'm in I always wonder what Robin would do. Why couldn't they have done that, too?" I walk over to 'im, puttin' my arm 'round him (any excuse'll do, right?)

"Them other guys had to have somethin' rotten deep down in the recess of their soul to be the way they are, to be easily influenced by that. You, on the other hand, have a good soul, you recognize good in others and ya wanna imitate that. Now, why do I say that? Because me and you would never have done what they did - Robin's a good role model, that's true, but he's really a fictional character." "Yeah, in the sense that there's not a real kid out there named Dick Grayson who dresses like that for crimefightin', but ya know somethin', we all look different and have different names, and all, but we're all Robin, all of us young guys." "You said it, kiddo, you really said it."

CHAPTER FORTY - Holy Hero Worship

MIKE AND EDDIE SPOT TWO BELLHOPS IN A CLOSET IN THEIR SUITE, HANDCUFFED, CHAINED WITH LEG IRONS, THEIR ARMS TIED TO THEIR BODIES WITH FISHING WIRE, THEIR LEGS TIED TOGETHER WITH IT, TOO. EDDIE CALLS FOR A LOCKSMITH TO COME IN AND UNDO THE CUFFS AND LEG IRONS AND WE PICK UP THE STORY FROM THERE.

Holy crap, the boys are moanin' and bleedin' and best we can do is get a locksmith up here. We try takin' 'em out of the closet, slowly, but upon touch, they scream in pain. "Maybe ya oughta sit in here while we wait. But lemme get these gags off your mouths in the meantime." I introduce me and Eddie and tell 'em they're among friends, and all, and ask 'em what happened. One of 'em catches his breath, and says, "a picture tells a thousand words. They took some pics and threw 'em in here." Me-n-Eddie look and see a few photos on the closet floor. Holy Jesse James, they were both shot in the back. "Oh, so that's why it hurt so bad when we lifted ya". "Yeah, you don't know the half of it" "That's why we're askin' stuff, son." "Oh, oh yeah. Anyway, we were just makin' the rounds in the hallways and all, when we felt something at our backs and told to come here, not saying a word to anyone." The other bellhop chimes in, "we get in here, they tell us to take our uniforms off and to turn around, and we hear the gun go off and we both went down. It hurt so bad we couldn't even move, we just fell over. I hope we ain't paralyzed." Eddie offers to do whatever to make 'em more comfortable, like give 'em some water or something, which they accept. We look at the photos and sure enough, there's some snaps of them gettin' shot and being forced to look in the camera as they screamed. Finally we hear, "someone call for a locksmith?" and we yell that we're in here. The guy comes in and sees what's goin' on. "Holy smoke, what happened here? You guys into some role-playin' or somethin'?" Eddie and the guys get a little pissed off at this, but I explain that we're detectives and we found 'em like this, they were taken hostage by some sickos that stole their uniforms. "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to presume. It's just that ya see a lot of stuff in my line of work." "Funny, so do we." So, he gets to undoin' the cuffs and me-n-Eddie step aside to assess this whole thing. "What's the deal with the pics?", Eddie wondered. "They want the two of us to know who's doin' it. They want to deal with me-n-you." "Gosh, they don't even know us." "They remember what we did to 'em at the beach and they wanna get even. They ain't gotta know we're dicks. That ain't important to 'em. Guess we gotta call 911 after all. They gotta get them backs of theirs checked." "Right" and Eddie goes and calls the paramedics. The locksmith does his thing and even cuts the fishin' wire. We thank 'im and pay 'im for his time. The boys sit still, instantly rubbin' their arms after their hands were free. Eddie says, "hey, ya know, we got some breakfast here, ya want a little somethin'?" One of the bellhops laughs, "naw - thanks but no thanks - we eat that stuff all the time, we're a little sick of it." "Yeah, I ain't got much of an appetite with my back bein' all busted." "Hey, uh, can ya help us up, maybe if we walk around a little." "Ya sure that's a good idea, there?" Eddie whispers to me, "Mike, dontcha do the same thing when you're knocked down - walk outta the room and not get carried? Maybe they're made of the same stuff." Ya know, he was right. So, Eddie grabs one and I grab the other. They both holler when they get on their feet at first, but keep chantin' to themselves, "I can do this - not so bad - I can do this". They take a few steps over to the bed and sit down on it. "We make our livin' on our feet - we got a thing about lyin' down on the job." I gotta give 'em credit - they are made of the same stuff as me-n-Eddie. The paramedics come in, treat their wounds as good as they can. Before they take off, they say, "by the way, you guys are our heroes - we read a lot about you online." "Yeah, you guys are cool, if you can take a shot in the back and get back on your feet, so can we." Jeez, I can't believe it - a fan club. How 'bout that. So, they're on their way and the two of us decide to canvas the area, askin' anyone 'round here if they saw anything. There was a gardener outside. We think he oughtta have seen somethin', bein' outside and all. We go up to 'im "did you see a couple of guys out here with duffel bags by any chance?" "dressed like bellhops?" and he kept goin' on about how he didn't see nothin', he just works here, and all that. Pretty frustratin'. "Now, please I very busy, I must work" He was actin' like we thought he did somethin'. Eddie looks at me and whispers, "I got an idea. I hate to do this, but maybe..." and he flashes his badge real fast and says he's from immigration, and that his cooperation might cut 'im a break. "All right, all right, I tell you. I did see two bellhops lugging some bags into one of the courtesy trucks we have here. I didn't think anything about it then." We start to beat it, "okay, thanks." "Wait, do I get to stay here? I have a family." Eddie snaps his fingers and points to 'im, "Sure thing" and we make our next plan of action, go back inside to management and report that their bellhops were shot and taken hostage and that one of their courtesy vans was ripped off and get what the license plate numbers are - seein' if we can track these bastards. "We gotta call the cops and put the word out, check all the courtesy vans, they can have this all wrapped up in no time." "No way. This is our baby. We're the guys that really gotta put these bastards down. After what the cops did to Oscar - can't get over that. I gotta make this right. Seein' as this didn't happen too long ago, they can't have gotten too far, but then Miami Beach is a pretty big city, a lot of miles can be covered like that." "We can cover a lotta miles, too, Boss-Man." I laughed when he called me that. "Uh, Eddie, we're married now, why do ya still call me that?" "I'll never, ever forget that you took a real chance on me. You're a great detective and you're someone I can really learn from. We're married but I still worship you, you're still my hero and you always will be. Inside I'll always be that boy who dreamed of bein' your sidekick. It got me through life and it's what made me fall in love with you." He gave me a peck on the lips and grinned, "now let's go bust some bellhop balls".

We were off. Seein' as the hotel doesn't have very many courtesy vans, it oughta bring us real close to rescuin' the Hernandez boys. Just 'cuz this is gonna be a simple case, don't mean it's easy. The horrors that follow - I wouldn't wish that on my sworn enemy.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE - Beatings, Brat-Boys, and Bellhops

Me and Eddie sealed the deal up in Canada - we're partners through and through now. As we kissed, our arms around each other, I told him about wantin' to take a honeymoon somewhere, like Miami Beach. All kinds of stuff goes down there, like spring break, yada yada yada, and so on. So I put it to him like this, "now, me and you been together for a while, never really did nothin' for ourselves, like a vacation or anything. A true gumshoe's work is never done, but we gotta get away for a bit, just you and me. Forget that we're gumshoes, forget all that stuff goin' on. Crimebustin' ain't all what me and you are about, ya get my meanin'?" Eddie nodded his head and says, "yeah". "Now how's about me and you goin' down to Miami for a few days, just me and you, bein' with each other, just in our own company, we ain't even gotta do nothin', just be." "Sounds good - I've been wantin' to get romantic with you for a long time - just have you look into my eyes, just to talk to, make love to, sit on the beach lookin' at the sunset, holdin' hands, all that stuff. Sounds nice." "So why don't we just take off now - I ain't got no cases brewin' - be fun to get away from it all."

So the two of us took off for a few days in Miami Beach, stayed at some real swanky joint with satin sheets - the two of us coulda gotten lost in all that - we did the jacuzzi - note to self, get one installed when we get back, that'll take Miami Beach back with us, oh, yeah, get some satin sheets, too - then one night we took a real romantic walk on the beach, hand in hand, then just sat on some rocks just watchin' the waves crash against them. Eddie wore these hip-huggin' silky swimtrunks - the cuffs wrapped 'round the top of his legs like Saran wrap. they barely covered his package, though, that was kinda out there, it just begged ya to rub that crotch of his. He didn't need to put silk over that, his package is as smooth and silky as that. Don't get me wrong, my boy ain't no shaver, he even uses conditioner down there, makin' it all so smooth and shiny, ya could comb it. The backside brought out his buns like nobody's business. Ya talk about a C-moon. Perfect shape. That's my boy. They moved when he moved. Them gorgeous gams just sent me through the roof with every step, and they were mine to do with as I wanted. Hoo-boy, did I love rubbin' suntan lotion on them. They didn't need it, though, his legs were just tanned to perfection, the flesh accentuatin' ev'ry muscle. We didn't meet, he coulda been a stripper or a male model - woulda made a fortune, but nothin' in this world matters more than crimefightin', and doin' it by my side. Any of youse readin' this - don't ya go listenin' to all that crap by the Religious Wrong, the Man Upstairs is one heck of a matchmaker. All time stood still - not for long, knowin' our luck, but pretty still. We were smoochin' on the rocks when we heard some kind of hasslin' goin' on a few feet away. We wrote it off like some argument, nothin' big. Eddie loves to smooch with open eyes, he wants to look at me all the way. Outta the corner of his eye, he sees a gang of guys nearly pulverizin' someone. He leaps up, "Freakin' fracases, Mike, look over there!" "Holy mother of crap, they're gonna kill that kid" The two of us were off, runnin' as fast as we could - good that we're on the sand and they can't hear us come up on them, then WHAM, sufferin' sucker punch, Eddie throws a grand slam on one of the thugs. I shout at the victim to beat it, we got things covered here. I pound a right hook into someone's gut, he bends over, then I get him in the face with a left. Eddie gets shoved down, but throws his legs up and gives the thug a real scissor cut - clamps 'im in the face with his calves, knockin' 'im over. We both stand over 'em, Eddie grittin' his teeh, rubbin's his hands together, oooh he wants more. So do I. The kid they was clobberin' starts to go off, but then falls over. Me and Eddie come to his aid, first things first. That does give the thugs a leeway to get away and Eddie wants to follow 'em and get 'em some more, but I hold 'im back. We gotta make sure this kid is all right. He ain't. All beat up, bruised and bleedin'. We gotta get 'im back to our room, call 911 and have 'im taken care of. Meanwhile, when he catches his breath, we get the goods outta him, 'bout what went on.

UNBEKNOWNST TO OUR HEROES, THE THUGS IN QUESTION STICK AROUND AND WATCH THEM TAKE THEIR VICTIM UP TO THEIR HOTEL ROOM. THEY FOLLOW THEM UPSTAIRS AT A DISTANCE, KEEPING AN EYE ON THE ROOM NUMBER. THEY'RE NOT THROUGH WITH THIS GUY YET.

As Eddie cleans the kid's wounds on his face and applies alcohol, I give 'im te third degree. "Don't worry, kid, you're among friends here. I'm Mike Batz, PI, and he's my partner, Eddie Robinson." "Hi, nice to meet you guys. Oh, thank God you two showed up. I thought I was gonna cack it." "So, what was that all about?" "I was out on the beach just mindin' my own, ya know? So these guys came up on me and tried to make off with me, sayin' somethin' 'bout my uncle." "What's this uncle of yours gotta do with it? He a rich guy or somethin'?" "Nah, he used to be a cop, he busted 'em a few years back right before he retired. Well, he was made to quit 'cuz of his age. Miami don't like no old guys on the force. The new Chief saw to that. Well, anyway, they found out who I was and were tryin' to get back at him with usin' me." Eddie mutters, "holy Patricia Hearst". The kid looks up at 'im, "Paricia who?" "Not important" "Anyways, that's what they were tryin' to do and I woulda been locked in a trunk or shot or somethin' if you guys hadn't been 'round." "Your uncle's an ex-cop? What's the name?" "Hernandez, Oscar Hernandez" My jaw popped wide open, "you're kiddin'! I knew a guy like that back up where we come from. He from Chicago, youre uncle?" "Uh, yeah, he was a rookie up there, then came down here about 10 years ago. I ain't got no parents, they were on drugs and I got taken away. Oscar took me on as his own, been real good to me since."

Wow - this guy cooperated with me way way back. Aw, man, he was good, too. Uh, yeah, okay, we had a thing goin' for a while, didn't work out, though, but that's all ya need to know. Fact is, he took off after we split, but I'm glad to know he stayed a cop, that's a good thing. "Can I get his number? I wanna call and let 'im know what happened and thay you're safe now." "Sure, 555-7326." "T'anks, kid." I dial his number - good he was home, too. I told him ev'rything what went on. Kid didn't need 911, though, it was just some surface cuts - that kinda thing. There was a knock on the door, "hey, Mike, it's me, Oscar, open up in the name of the law". "After all these years, how ya been?" "Good, retirement sure agrees with me." I furrow my brow, stick my hands in my pockets and tap my feet a little, like I always do when I interrogate someone, "that ain't true, now is it. You were bumped off the force." His face just fell at that point. The smile from seein' me again and knowin' his kid's all right, turned to weepin' just like that. "Ya got me, just like always - can't fool ya if my life depended on it." "That's why I'm the Dashin' Detective, kid, dontcha forget it. Now level with me." "I was about to make 25 years on the force, then this new Chief gets voted in, can't be 30, then he starts whackin' us guys that been around for a while. He said it's somethin' to do with Miami's image. See, this is a place for beautiful people and an over-30 cop just ain't cuttin' it. 'Cuz I was drummed out 2 weeks before I could get my pension, I'm broke, had to take a shit security job somewheres, still makin' a buck, still kinda like a cop, anyways. Oh, Mike, it's been brutal. The thugs that got my kid were busted by me and two others. The thugs got outta jail and set off to get revenge. They murdered the other guys and I thought they were gonna come after me, but they did it through Joey, my kid, that is, figurin' that'd get me worse than if they popped me. I tried to get the cops to help me, but that's a total no-go, they won't even lift a finger, sayin' they can't do nothin' til they catch 'em in the act." Eddie pipes in, "dontcha worry, Oscar, we caught 'em in the act, they better look over their shoulder, 'cuz we're comin'." Yep, that's my boy, all right. Oscar says to Joey, "hey, kid, ya all right to come home?" and he was about to answer when I piped in, "nah, not a great idea. He was almost snatched and ya never know who saw you comin' up here, so ya better stay with us here. We'll be in town for a while." "Yeah", says Eddie, "uh, me cassa you cassa - I get that right?" The two Hernandez boys just smile, "pronouncin' needs a little tweakin', but we get the message and it's very kind of both of you." He turns to Eddie, "Sorry, I didn't get your name." "Oh, it's Eddie Robinson, me and Mike sorta work together" "That's okay, kid - truth is Oscar, Eddie's my partner, in ev'ry way. Fact, we just got hitched a while ago up in Canada." "My God, Mike. You didn't seem the hitchin' kind before - when we...." Oh, I knew this was gonna be too juicy to let the boys hear this now, I cut it off, "Hey, uh, Eddie, why dontcha show our guest where he's gonna be crashin'" "Sure", then he nudges the kid and points to the bedroom door, "yeah, it's that one over there, and...." then I clear my throat and jerk my head over, motionin' im. "I think he wants us to split" "BRILLIANT deduction". "Have a seat, Oscar, get yourself comfy there" He sits on a sofa, I prop my leg up on the arm of a chair, restin' my one arm on my leg, puttin' my other hand on my hip. This gives me-n-Oscar some time to chew the fat a little. "Ya know, Mike, this whole thing about youse two gettin' hitched, that really threw me. You never wanted to commit to anyone before. I kept thinkin' there was somethin' wrong with me." "Naw, kid, it wasn't you. I really did feel that way before. My ex-boss just up and split on me way back when. Man, I really loved him. I was really diggin' you, too, but I had to keep my dukes up, ya know? Couldn't really go back there. I was thinkin' there's somethin' with me, and I guess there was." "You really broke my heart back up north. My parents didn't want me around anymore and that was bad but at least I had you - so I thought. I came down here 'cuz I didn't have no one. I was miserable. Lookin' back on it all now, Eddie's pretty hot and all, but what's he got that I ain't got, or didn't. Jesus, with all this crap goin' on, gettin' kicked off the force, my kid almost gettin' snatched 'cuz we was just doin' our job, and then you come along and bring up all this again. Man, my life ain't worth nothin'" He starts cryin'. "Thank God I got Joey - he's the only thing keepin' me goin', or else I woulda ended it all when I got tossed off the force." "Well, ya know, you could sue to get your job back, or at least your pension, anyways. Age discrimination and all that." "Ev'ry mouthpiece slammed the door on my face, they say 'ya got 15 grand?' and I didn't, so that ended that." I get up off the chair, and kneel by the sofa, pattin' his back and all, "Naw, you listen to me, I got a mouthpiece back up north I can get to do this on a whaddya call yer Pro Bono like". "How can you manage that?" I stand up, spread my legs, cross my arms and kinda rock back and forth on my toes, "I got my ways - I got my ways". I wink at 'im, then turn on my heel and walk around 'im a bit. "Now, for right now, you and the kid are bunkin' in with us and makin' like all Anne Frank, see. Me-n-Eddie's gonna get the thugs, then we're gonna get ya what ya got comin' - Pro Bono like". Oscar was so happy at the thought of it, he comes up to me, grabbin' my arms. "Mike, if this all works out, I don't know how I can thank you." I give 'im a grin and say, "ya just did". He looks at me for a sec and asks, "would it be okay if I just gave ya a peck - grattitude, that is."

OSCAR GIVES MIKE A QUICK PECK ON THE LIPS AND RIGHT AT THE WORST MOMENT OF ALL - EDDIE AND JOEY WALK IN ON THEM. EDDIE STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS, PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, THEN, SQUEEZES HIS FIST.

"Oh, so that's why ya wanted me outta the room, huh?" "Holy crap, it's Eddie." "Oh, so you remember who I was - betcha forgot all about me when you're movin' in on Broderick Crawford over here". "Eddie, please, it ain't what ya think" "Bobby wasn't enough for ya? Ya gonna get this guy snuffed out, too?" "Aw, crap, Eddie...." Then Oscar jumps in, walkin' over to Eddie and shakin' him. "Hey, that's enough outta you, Brat-Boy. First of all, you don't go talkin' 'bout people that are standin' right here, ya don't give out nicknames. My name is Oscar and if I'm s'posed to be called somethin' else, my momma woulda named me somethin' different. This kiss was all my deal. Mike was tellin' me you and him are gonna make ev'rything all right for me-n-Joey and I was thankin' him. A quick innocent peck on the mouth to just say thank you. Me-n-him meant somethin' to each other a long time ago, and that was that. He ain't playin' around on you and I ain't musclin' in on 'im, neither. Now before ya throw any more shit in his face and make 'im go south of the border to wipe out this Canada deal ya got goin' with 'im, I suggest you say you're sorry and fuckin' well mean it!" "It's all right, Oscar, we sorta had an issue about this recently. He was kidnapped and I almost made it with the kid who helped me find 'im." "Well, that is pretty typical of you and I can see where Brat-Boy over here...." "it's Eddie" "Now ya get how I feel...anyway, Mike, I can see where he's comin' from, but" turnin' back to Eddie, "ya just don't go jumpin' down someone's throat without findin' out what's up. You're a detective, ya oughtta know these things. Hell, I was just a uniform grunt, but I knew more than that. Maybe ya oughtta spend some time on the streets with a badge, providin' ya can handle such a thing. Were ya ever on the force? Betcha didn't have the guts!"

Eddie's face fell, "Oscar, Eddie's got somethin' to say to ya." "I wanted to be, but I couldn't get on 'cuz of my name. My dad was a sex offender and kidnapped me and was gonna kill me til Mike busted in and saved me." Now I was stunned. I knew the kid dreamed of bein' a cop and all, but I never knew why he didn't do it. "Is that right, kid?" "Yeah, I never told ya the whole thing, but the force did a background check when I applied. I was halfway through when the facts came out and I was expelled from the academy 'cuz they couldn't take no chances on someone with my dad's genetics - they thought I'd be bad news, too. The day we met, it was right after I'd been tossed out. I didn't know what the heck was gonna become of me. I didn't wanna do nothin' else. That's when I saw ya gettin' roughed up and helped ya out."

"Wow, it all makes sense now. I'm floored, I, uh, I had no idea." Oscar was floored, too. "I'm really sorry I got on ya like that, kid, and I fuckin' well mean it, too." "It's fine, really, I know ya wouldn'ta said that stuff if I hadn't gone off on Mike like I did" Turnin' to me, he says, "and you're right, Oscar, I'm sorry, Mike, I shoulda kept a cool head. I shoulda told ya before, but, well, I was havin' such a good time workin' with ya, that I just wanted to stay around, is all. I mean, ya did put me through school and I got my detective's license a ways back. Ya know what they say about one door closin' and a window opens." "Hoo-boy I'd give anything if the past 10 minutes didn't happen", then Oscar pipes in, "it's good that it did. Eddie, you seemed heartbroken just now, just like I was when I was drummed off just 'cuz I'm over 30. I know how painful that must've been for ya. Are ya still broken up about that?" Eddie took in a breath and let it out, he was silent for a sec. "Yeah, I guess a part of me always will be." "Well, that's just how it is for me, too, kid. What I'm tryin' to say here is, we're brothers in this thing, we got shared heartbreak that'll always hurt a little." Then he put his arm around my boy and tried to make 'im feel better, and he pointed at me, "but this gift from God over there stepped in and made it all right for ya, from the sounds of it. He's gonna make it all right for me, too, ya just wait and see. And we both love the big lug and we gotta make 'im happy, now, don't we." Eddie laughs a bit, he knows where this is goin'. I do, too. Oscar ain't upset with me, and it don't look like Eddie is neither. "Now, me-n-Joey's gonna go in the other room, I ain't seen my crash pad yet, and you're gonna give your old man a kiss he'll never forget, ain't that right!" "It sure is".

EDDIE - The Hernandez boys leave the room and me-n-Mike patch things up, he mutters, "the old man - what the hell's he goin' on about..." and HOLY LIPLOCK - I really give it to 'im, practically polishin' his tonsils. "hey Boss-man, ya never did take me over the threshold." "It's my back - an old war wound" "You're an old man, after all." "Hey, I'll show ya what an old man I am" and he sweeps me off my feet and carries me over the threshold. Mike says to me as a joke, "I love ya Brat-Boy" and I laugh and say to him, "I love you, too, ya old man". "Oscar really saved the day. Now we gotta save the day for him and Joey." "So, whadda we do first?" "First off, we keep 'em here til them thugs are back in the pokey where they deserve to rot, then, we gotta somehow get Oscar back on the beat." "Aw, no problem, chief, we'll do it. We'll do it - ya just wait and see."

The next mornin', me-n-Eddie's real hungry so we take off to get some grub, askin' Oscar and Joey if they want anything. They resist at first, but then I tell 'em it's room service, it's part of the hotel thing. Then it's scrambled eggs with orange juice, coffee, french toast, maybe a muffin or two. Boy, all ya gotta say is somethin's on the house and two guys suddenly get real hungry. We go downstairs and get the grub.

MEANWHILE, THE THUGS WATCH OUR HEROES HEAD FOR THE HOTEL DINER.....

We're takin' our stuff back upstairs and notice the door of the suite flung wide open. "aw, man, I told 'em to stay put." We dash back in and find the whole place was ransacked. "HOLY TORNADO" "Oscar and Joey - MY GOD!" We dash into their room and see the same thing. Totally totaled. Eddie spots somethin' on the bed. "Hey Mike, there's a bunch of snapshots here. What the...." We look at 'em and all the blood drains from our faces. "Aw, holy mother of crap - they snatched 'em both up and took pictures." These were pretty gruesome, too, showin' Oscar bein' forced to look into the camera as his photo was taken - he was screamin' from the looks of it. Then it shows Joey bein' handcuffed and leg irons bein' put on his ankles. In fact, they were both chained up, then pistol whipped into passin' out, other pics show them gettin' shoved into trunks. The wild thing was, the thugs were wearin' bell boy uniforms. "They musta conked 'em on the head, got the duds and came up here to do their stuff." "We gotta go get 'em - but where the heck could they be?" We didn't have to wonder for long. We heard a thump in one of the closets. "Careful, Mike, someone might have a gun." "Don't think some pistol packin' prick's gonna keep us from savin' someone - we ain't made of that kinda stuff". Sure enough, two young boys wearin' nothin' but tee shirts and briefs are handcuffed, shackled, gagged, fishin' wire wrapped 'round 'em, cuttin' into their arms and legs, they're bleedin' a bit, and screamin'. "Hey, don't be scared, we're here to help you."

NOW WHAT? POLAROIDS, KIDNAPPINGS, INNOCENT YOUNG BOYS ALL CHAINED AND CUT UP? WHAT KIND OF SICK FREAKS ARE WE DEALING WITH? STARTING TO DROOL YET. HOO-BOY, YOU'LL NEED MORE THAN A BIB WHEN YOU MOVE ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT - Let's Go Away for Awhile

"LOCAL GYM EMPLOYEE KILLED IN HOSTAGE RESCUE" - Bobby Reed, a 19 year-old Assistant Manager of the "Buff and Beautiful" gym, was murdered in an otherwise successful hostage rescue operation. It was reported Reed deliberately gave up his life to alleviate the danger for the two hostages, Det. Eddie Robinson and adult film star George Richard Binghamton, otherwise known as "Dickie Biggs", as well as Det. Michael Batzinger, aka Mike Batz PI.

EDDIE WAS STARING AT THE NEWSPAPER CLIPPING HE'D CUT AND PASTED INTO THE SCRAPBOOK HE KEPT OF MIKE ALL THESE YEARS. HE SAW IT ONLY FITTING THAT ALL HEROES OCCUPY THIS TOME.

MIKE - I walked into the kitchen one morning and Eddie's sittin' there. I says "hi ya, kiddo", and he comes up to me and gives me such a kiss and looks deep into my eyes, "hi ya, Boss-man". Outta the corner of my eyes, I see the scrapbook he keeps and what looks like Bobby's obit.

EDDIE - A huge smile comes over Mike's face when he spots the clipping I saved of Bobby. "Aw, kid, that's real sweet - REAL sweet." "He was somethin' special, wasn't he?"

MIKE - Then Eddie sits back down and starts gettin' all thinkin' and stuff. He says to me, "Hey, Mike, are we the good guys?" I'm tooken by surprise by this - ARE WE THE GOOD GUYS - I didn't know what to say to that, 'cept the truth, that is. "Why d'ya ask?" "well, I figure with all the rotten stuff that happens to us" "Nothin' rotten happens to us" "What about the kidnappin', shootin', stuff like that - we almost get killed ev'ry time". I sat down next to him, put one arm around him and take his hand with my other one. I look deeply into his eyes and say, "okay, I'll give it to ya straight. We got a good home, got a good job, we eat good, me-n-you are okay. The other stuff, the stuff we go through is all just a bump in the road. See, when ya go out for somethin' ya want, there's always a price to pay. Me-n-you are on the side of good and we wanna protect that - but sometimes we gotta pay a little somethin'. A bullet in the arm, a sock in the gut, a rope 'round the wrist, a gag in the mouth, that's what we gotta take to get what we want, and we always get it. The bad guys wanna wipe us out and take over these parts, and what they gotta pay is a lot harder, toss the troublemakers in the tank for a whole lotta years. If ya want somethin' for good, the price ain't that high, but if ya want somethin' for bad, ya pay til ya drop. Ya with me so far?" Eddie seemed to be. But he says, "when I was chained up in the basement, I started to wonder if maybe we were doin' the wrong thing, he kept gettin' at me that I gotta pay for my sins and all that. Why would he keep pumpin' me like that if he didn't think it was true?" "Cuz it ain't - that's the first giveaway. Guys like that don't want ya to think anything other than what they are. Now, listen up, I'm glad you asked me about all of this, 'cuz that's what I'm good at. Good and evil is my job - I know all about it. Right, so ya wonder if you did somethin' to be punished for - who sent ya to me in that back alley? Who sent me to you in that closet? Whp put the idea in your head that I was okay? Who put the idea in my head that I'd be nuts if I blew ya off and just took ya back home and never saw ya again? The Man Upstairs, that's who. Now, would he give us all what we'd been gettin' so far if He didn't think we were okay? Naw, not at all. If he didn't want us together and to stay that way, youda been somewhere else that day and I woulda been cremated. Our union is an act of God, it's an act of love. Yeah, I know I was tempted by Bobby, but when I was really weak, God stepped in and got Bobby to tell me this wasn't it. What my ex-boss did to ya was outta hate, he wanted ya to fall apart and get away from me. He's no man of God, he just uses His name like a puppet to drive other people nuts. Now, you gotta notice our whole lives are built on love and that's what keeps it goin'. Our love of doin' good, people out there - their love for us 'cuz we do our job so good, and none of that woulda been possible if it weren't for my love for you and your love for me. Take away ev'rything on the outside, what's goin' on is that me an' you are what's good. You cheer me up when I'm down, you're very kindhearted, you care about so many people and so many things. Your smile brightens my heart, your kisses are soothing and reassuring. You're sexy and that's great and all, but that was just to get me to look at ya long enough to know your mind, your heart and your soul. If we were in any other job - we could be bean counters, shysters, anything, you name it - you would still be the love of my life because ours is truly a gift from God."

EDDIE - This was unreal. I couldn't believe I was hearin' stuff like this from Mike. I been with this guy for a while now, but this was like I was meetin' the real him for the first time. He wasn't Mike Batz PI right now. He was Michael Batzinger. "Mike, I - I never knew ya felt that way about me." "Ya never knew how much I loved ya?" "No, it's not that. I know how ya feel about me, but I never really knew how deep it went before. Did you?" "I always knew I couldn't do without ya and I never wanted to think about it, but with you gone missin' for that week, I went through ev'rything. I cried, I threw stuff, I shouted, I felt really ripped apart, and I was, too, 'cuz you weren't there. My boy was missin', my boy was in trouble, my boy wasn't here by my side." He started cryin', his eyes got red and wet and his mouth stated shakin'. He stood up and took my hand and stood me up, too, and then he wrapped his arms around me, "oh, Eddie, you're my life. I hope nothin'like this happens again. To think I mighta never seen ya again, I can't..." I stroked the back of his head and lightly kissed his cheek a few times, "it's okay, Mike, I'm here. I love you. I always have and always will." Then I put his head back a little 'cuz I wanted to see his face, and I wanted him to see mine. "Ya know, when you rescued me, anything coulda happened. My life coulda been anything, 'cuz I was just a kid back then. But the thing was was that I was alive for whatever it woulda been. I think it was God tellin' me to go help ya out there in the alley. I'd been drawn to ya all them years. As handsome as you are, and were back then, too, what I fell in love with was a man who really cared about me. I kinda wanted ya to take me home that day - to your home. I wanted ya to be my new dad. I'm glad that didn't happen 'cuz we woulda missed out on all-a that great sex, but it's like you said, you're one of the good guys, the best darn good-guy I ever knew. I love you with all my heart, even more than what I got in me. I love your voice, your face, the way you strut your stuff, the way ya get all heated up when we're on a case, the way ya dress, when ya call me "kiddo". I look at ya when ya drive." "Huh?" "Yeah, you sit so upright behind the wheel with that dogged determination on your face, when you make a left turn, I love how your arms go up and sweep across your body, then I look at your stomach, your lap, your legs and I can't take my eyes off any of that, because a really good man is underneath all that. You don't like it when someone's hurtin' and ya really wanna make it go away 'cuz ya just want ev'rything to be okay. Ya just wanted that nightclub owner to get his business back, 'cuz he wanted it. Ya wanted to get Dickie away from them thugs 'cuz he and his boss wanted it. When that mobster's girlfriend told ya there was a contract out on her, ya still stood by her even when it meant she had to kill you. Ya risked your life just so she could have hers back. Ya know it's strange, ya got all uptight when your boss turned into a Christian, but you've always been 10 times the Christian he ever said he was, and what's really beautiful about you is you've never even known it." "Ya stood right there and took it in the ribs, too. Remember?" "I just wanted to walk the path you were walkin', 'cuz it was good." Then the two of us just looked at each other for a little bit. "Eddie, I got an idea" "What's that?" "Ever been to Canada?" "No." "Would ya like to?" "Sure, what's up there?" "Gay marriage is okay up there." Aw, man I was stunned. The Boss-man wanted to make it legal. "You wanna marry me? Ya wanna spend the rest of your life with me?" "I want ya with me always. I wanna tell ya ev'rything I said to ya here in front of a JP, put our names on a piece of paper that says it all. Eddie Robinson, will you marry me?" I started gettin' teary-eyed, too, all I could do was take a real heavy breath and say, "yes".

Long and short of it, me and Eddie went up to Toronto and got hitched. Went to the JP's office, did all the papers and stuff and made it official. Now I know there's a bunch of ya guys out there who don't really think ya need it, but I gotta tell ya - you're livin' in some real nice place and ya know it, this-n-that, you're drivin' a real nice car, etc., but when ya look at that registration, ya look at that lease and see your name on it, and it tells ya ev'ry time ya read it that it's true. Pride of ownership, pride that ya wake up next to someone special ev'ry day, pride that the best thing that God ever did for ya was right next to ya, ridin' shotgun, watchin' ya drive.

After we tied the knot, I thought it'd be good to do a honeymoon. Neither of us been to Miami Beach before, so we thought why not! But, hey, I gotta tell ya, - hoo, boy! - ya won't believe what happens to us down there! Catch ya next time.