CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE - SLEEP PRETTY DARLING, DO NOT CRY

WHEN WE LEFT THE DASHIN' DUO, MIKE CAUGHT EDDIE RECEIVING ORAL SEX FROM AJ AND PUNISHED THEM BOTH, HANDCUFFING THEM TO THE BED WHILE HE WAS TAKING JAKE TO PRISON WHEN HE DETECTED JAKE WAS THE RINGLEADER IN AJ'S KIDNAPPING. THE KIDNAPPING PUT MIKE AND EDDIE ON THE CASE AND THEY WERE LURED INTO A TRAP DURING WHICH THEY WERE SHOT WITH POISON DARTS AND LEFT TO DIE. EDDIE DID DIE, BUT WAS SENT BACK TO EARTH AS IT WAS THE WRONG TIME. MIKE AND EDDIE RESCUED AJ. JAKE AND AJ ASKED TO STICK AROUND AND HIRE THE DUO AS BODYGUARDS FOR THE REST OF THE TIME THEY WERE IN TOWN FOR AJ'S MIDDLEWEIGHT TITLE BOUT. AJ CONFIDED IN EDDIE ABOUT THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HIMSELF AND JAKE. AJ LET EDDIE KNOW OF HIS FEELINGS FOR HIM AND SEDUCED HIM IN MIKE AND EDDIE'S BEDROOM! ALL THIS WAS WHILE MIKE EXPOSED JAKE IN HIS LIE AND WAS GOING TO HAUL HIM OFF TO PRISON, ESPECIALLY AFTER JAKE ATTEMPTED TO CAPTURE MIKE AT GUNPOINT AND MURDER HIM, EDDIE AND AJ. MIKE HEARD MOANING COMING FROM THE BEDROOM, THOUGHT EDDIE WAS IN PAIN AFTER BEING PUNCHED OUT BY AJ EARLIER IN THE DAY. MIKE WALKS IN AND FINDS THE TWO TOGETHER, THEN HE HANDCUFFS THEM TO THE BED WHILE HE BRINGS JAKE TO JUSTICE.

NOW WE SEE THE TWO FORMER SIDEKICKS STILL CHAINED TO MIKE AND EDDIE'S BED. EDDIE IS CRYING HIS EYES OUT. AJ TRIES TO COMFORT HIM, BUT EDDIE WON'T HAVE IT. IT WAS AJ GETTING CLOSE THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

EDDIE - This was an unbelievable nightmare. Chained to the bed with a guy that Mike caught me with. In my whole time with Mike, this was unthinkable, unconscionable, unreal. Yet, it happened. I wasn't dreaming, this was real. This was painful. I wasn't worried about Mike murdering me - that I could take, but to have to live out the rest of my life with our relationship at an end, with Mike forever hating me. I may as well have stayed dead in that back room at the gallery, for all the good my actions were doing me now.

Mike walks in and stares at us. He spoke to the two of us, but in a subdued monotone. It was unlike anything I ever heard out of him.

"Boys. Please forgive me for my earlier actions. What I witnessed was so painful I lost control of my emotions. I'm sorry I hurt the two of you."

He unlocks our handcuffs and orders AJ out of the house. He recommends a motel.

"I don't ever want to see your face again. You get out of here. I hope all goes well with your title bout in a couple of days. You're young and you deserve a good career, but I never want to lay eyes on you again."

AJ leaves and Mike closes the door. I rub my wrists and grimace, just like all the other times I was trapped and then set free. Then, I was ready to leap back into action, right by the side of my Boss-Man. Only, now, it was my Boss-Man who locked me in this position. I said nothing. Only sat, waiting for word.

"Eddie, please look at me."

I looked up at him. His eyes were wide open and bloodshot. His lips were pursed. His face bore the tracks of wiped-up tears. He tried to avoid his voice breaking, which is why he spoke in such a tone as he did.

"Eddie, I've come to a decision. For the time being, I will allow you to continue to aid in my work as a Private Investigator. You are intelligent, well-spoken, strong, you're a very good fighter, and you will serve me well as a partner in this agency - until the time comes when I can raise enough funds to buy out your share of Batz & Robinson PI. Then, you are to either leave town, or go into another line of work as I cannot have you in this town working as a Detective. The buy-out contract will stipulate that very clearly."

Tears came to my eyes.

"Boss-Man, please...this is my life's work, please don't take away..."

"I'm taking nothing away. You gave it all up. Your actions told me you no longer had the desire to work and live in partnership with me. You will never call me Boss-Man again. I will never call you kiddo or my Boy Friday again. Those were pet names for the man I loved, and you are no longer that man. You are also no longer a boy - you're going to be 24 years old this year. I think you've outgrown chasing after a guy who pulled you out of a closet when you were 6 years old. You've just now proven that this was all superficial hero worship. If you ever had the love in your heart for me as you claim you had, you would never have allowed AJ Buckner to get as close as he was. This is the last we'll say about this matter. You will still work here until your share of the business is sold. Just always be on call whenever a case is brought to our attention. Now, please leave my bedroom. You will now sleep in the guest house out back. I don't ever want to see you on my bed again, is that understood?"

I was taking this whole thing in - not believing it for a moment. I couldn't - it was too much. All I could do was just nod my head and mutter "yes" when he asked me if I understood what he said.

"Also, please don't ever speak to me unless you're spoken to, is that also understood?"

I stared silently.

"I'm speaking to you, Eddie, please respond."

"Yes."

MIKE - Eddie left the room. I sat on the bed and cried some more. He's right, I was crying earlier. It took me a while to get back after I tossed Jake in the slammer because I had to get myself together. I drove out to a spot that me-n-Eddie would sit and stare at the stars at night, and thought, prayed, and wept. I didn't want to do this. I hated saying those awful things to him, but I didn't know what else to do. What I really wanted to do was to just grab him and cry and beg him not to leave me for AJ. I had to stay in control, though. I had to act as if it was my idea to end our relationship. I didn't want it to end, but if it had to, I was gonna be the one to do it.

See, I'd always had this worry in the back of my mind that Eddie's a lot younger than me. I wondered what he saw in me. Was it just a little hero worship gone long? Did he really love me? Now that I caught him in bed with AJ, the question burns even deeper in my mind. I could sweep it under the back burner before, but not this time.

Days had gone by with no cases to solve. AJ's fight was gonna be tonight and then he'd be gone. There was an awful silence in our home. I ordered Eddie to not speak to me unless I spoke to him and I had nothing to say. That's not true, I had a ton of things to say, but none of them seemed worth saying.

EDDIE - We lived separate lives for the first time since we moved in together. I watched TV on my own, I ate my meals on my own. I worked out on my own. Me-n-Mike had separate bedrooms now, but occasionally we had to be in the same house together and that was real awkward. I'd sometimes look at him and my mouth would be movin', trying to form a word or two, but I stopped myself. The condition for my staying around would be that I wouldn't speak unless he spoke to me first.

MIKE - I'd avoid eye contact with Eddie when he was in the room, and when he walked out, I would look in his direction, my mouth wanted to say something. I even felt myself moving a little bit in his direction. I wanted to run after him and grab him, hug him, cry on him, have him wipe the tears off my face, but I couldn't do that. I know it meant my possibly losing Eddie for the rest of my life, and I know I was being stupid, but I couldn't break.

I did talk to him once. I called him over to the hall closet. I'd been standing there for a while, staring at the Batman and Robin costumes. Eddie showed up at the closet.

"What's up?"

"I need you to help me take a picture of these. I'm putting them up for sale on E-bay and I need a good picture."

EDDIE - I was a wreck - I wanted to scream out loud 'You're selling these? Ya can't do that! This is our life! This is who we are!', but I guess it wasn't who we were anymore. I stayed silent, except to mutter, "sure thing".

MIKE - Sure thing, he says! Is that it? My God, I was taking away one of the things that meant the world to him. Then again, I did slap that gag order on him. Silently, we took the shirts, tights and capes off their hangers, I took Batman's gloves and cowl off the closet shelf, Eddie did likewise with Robin's gloves and mask. Utility belts, boots and trunks followed. Everything was photographed and stuck in a box now.

"We'll just leave it like this for now until I get the winning bid, then we'll just wrap it up."

"Sure thing", then Eddie was on his way back to the guest house, making no eye contact, but I stopped him.

"Eddie", then he turned and looked at me, "uh, you don't have to sleep in the guest house, just take one of the other bedrooms here".

He nodded his head and said, "sure thing. Thanks."

MEANWHILE, AT THE AUDITORIUM, AJ'S TITLE BOUT WAS TAKING PLACE. IT WAS A TOTAL TKO IN THE SECOND ROUND, AJ EMERGING AS THE REIGNING CHAMP. ALL THE HOOPLA THAT FOLLOWS ANY CHAMPIONSHIP FOLLOWED - WELL WISHERS, INTERVIEWS WITH SPORTS CHANNELS AND NEWSPAPERS, ETC. AJ COULD FORGET HIS HEARTACHE FOR AT LEAST A BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME. THEN IT WAS BACK TO HIS DRESSING ROOM, WHERE HE SHOWERED AND CHANGED,AND PACKED. HE WAS GOING TO TAKE A CAB BACK TO THE AIRPORT AND GO BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM, TO START UP A NEW LIFE, HAVING NO IDEA WHAT WAS TO FOLLOW. HE LEAVES THE AUDITORIUM HEADED FOR THE STREET WHEN HE'S SUDDENLY SHOT IN THE BACK, DROPS HIS LUGGAGE AND FALLS FACE FIRST. HE LOOKS UP AND SEES JAKE WITH A LOADED GUN AND SCREAMS, "What the hell!" AND IS SHOT TWICE IN THE CHEST.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HOUSE

EDDIE - I knew Mike probably didn't wanna talk to me right now, if ever again, but I had to take a chance on it. I wanted to clear the air and didn't care how he'd react. This was a couple of hours after we packed up the Bat costumes. I'd been crying in the other bedroom, I was in so much pain I couldn't take this anymore. I'd passed my limit, even though I knew I brought this on myself, I didn't care. No one should have to suffer this much, no matter the fault. If Mike slugged me or shot me, it didn't matter. I had to talk to him.

"Hey, uh, Mike, I gotta talk to you."

Mike was sitting on a recliner with a drink, reluctant to look at me, "okay, so go ahead..talk."

"This isn't easy for me. I never thought I'd ever go through this with you. It was the very worst mistake I ever made, I've been crying these last few days, you have no idea."

"No more so than me. What do you think it did to me to see you two together? It's like there was a different guy there, someone who looks and sounds like the man who is and always will be the love of my life, but he wasn't there, it was....I don't know who you are these days."

Mike started to cry, "Aw, God-dammit, Eddie, why the hell did ya do it?"

"I don't know. I guess I felt sorry for AJ for all the crap he was takin' from Jake..."

"Oh, so it was pity sex?"

"I never intended for that. I just realized he was hurtin' and I wanted to heal that. I was hopin' he'd break away from that guy. He had no one to listen to him and I was just reachin' out. He came to the bedroom to see if I was okay after he flattened me, and felt bad about what he did, and he looked at me. I got scared, 'cuz I didn't like that look. I didn't wanna just push him away or anything, didn't wanna hurt him even more, so I thought I'd give him a quick peck to ease outta there, then he went for it, then he started goin' down, and the next thing I knew....Aw, what can I say? I don't love him. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life with him, I just wanted to comfort him, and it got outta my hands."

"So...now what?"

"What do you mean?"

"What are ya gonna do now? What do you want?"

"To get back with you. To regain your love, your trust. Be your Boy Friday, your kiddo. I'd give anything for that."

Mike started to get up and leave, "you'd give anything? You don't have what I need. Good night."

At least I tried. All hope was lost now. All I could do was just stick around until Mike could buy me out, then, go off into the world, I guess. Right now, I just needed some sleep, so I went to bed, too, but not before I prayed, "Dear God, I know what I did was hurtful and wrong, but if I could only go back, if I could only change everything. Ya gotta tell me what to do, I've done all I can think of. If you want this for me, and I hope you do, 'cuz I only want for myself what you would want, please, give me back my Boss-Man. I need a miracle, God, please."

MIKE - A couple of hours later, I couldn't sleep. Sleepin' alone gives me insomnia. Anyway, I went downstairs and made myself another drink. Anything to calm my nerves, God knows I needed my rest. It's been impossible around here, not lettin' Eddie back in. Then I heard this crashing sound in the living room. I ran out to see what was up, and the worst horror I could ever imagine - It was Jake, holding a gun on me, yelling to get my hands up, which I did, I was startled and scared to death.

"Jesus Murphy, you broke out!"

"You're damn right I did. AJ's toast, I slaughtered him after the fight, and now I'm gonna get my 10 mil, but I wanted to come back here and put you two bastards away, too. "

BAM! I'm hit, but not too bad, just grazed on the side, but it still stung like a mother. I took off runnin' and took cover while he kept shootin'.

"Where's that fuckin' kid of yours? I got a couple for him, too."

I leapt into action, "hey, nobody comes in here killin' my boy and gets away with it." I jump on him and we struggle, both of us losin' the grip of the gun - it slides across the room, and we both try to run after it, when I hear Jake hollerin' behind me. It was Eddie! He musta heard the ruckus, too, and jumped right on top of our assailant, wailing on him like nothing. He punches this guy so hard, he knocks him out. I shout "Holy TKO! Good punchin'!"

"Get the cops back here!", he shouts and I holler back, "gotcha!" and call 9-1-1. I go back to the scene of the capture and say to Eddie, "this bastard just told me he plugged AJ, so now he's got murder one on his head. He's gettin' the needle for this."

The cops come in and take him off.

"We'll just clean this stuff up tomorrow. I gotta get some sleep. 'Night, Eddie."

EDDIE - That was it? That was all Mike had to say was 'goodnight'? We just put away a murderer and....okay, I guess. It did feel great to bust a bad guy together again, if only for a few minutes, anyway. I couldn't sleep much, so I started to straighten up the living room, I just needed somethin' to do. I picked up a couple of chairs and made the place up like it was before Jake burst in. I was gonna call someone tomorrow to fix the front door. But I wasn't gonna worry about anything tonight. What could I do, right?

DEJECTED, A WEEPING EDDIE GOES BACK TO THE GUEST HOUSE. HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM, SEES HIS REFLECTION IN THE MEDICINE CABINET MIRROR AND SEES HOW RED, PUFFY AND WET HIS EYES ARE FROM CRYING ALL EVENING. HE OPENS THE CABINET, LOOKS AT THE ROW OF YELLOW, PLASTIC PRESCRIPTION BOTTLES AND REACHES FOR ONE. HE GOES OVER TO HIS BED, LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW OVER AT MIKE'S BEDROOM WINDOW, HOPING TO CATCH A GOOD-NIGHT GLIMPSE BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP. HE SEES MIKE'S LIGHT GO OUT AND HE LOWERS HIS WINDOW SHADE. HE LOOKS AT THE NIGHT STAND, WITH THE DIGITAL CLOCK FLASHING THE VERY LATE HOUR, SIGHS AND STARTS TAKING OFF HIS CLOTHES, EMPTYING HIS POCKETS OF THEIR CONTENTS AND PLACES THEM ON THE TABLE. HE THEN RE-READS THE DIRECTIONS ON THE PILL BOTTLE LABEL, TAKES A SIP OF WATER, THEN LIES DOWN ON TOP OF THE SHEETS, STRETCHING OUT HIS SINEWY, SMOOTH, MUSCULAR ARMS AND LEGS, GRIMACES AND LIGHTLY RUBS THE SHOULDER WHICH SUSTAINED THE DART-WOUND OF A FEW DAYS EARLIER, AND CLOSES HIS EYES.

WHAT?!?!? WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS THIS???? WILL SHADOWY SLEEP SLIP IN AND OVERTAKE "ROBIN" THE BOY FRIDAY? WILL THE DASHIN' DETECTIVE, THE CLOAKED CRIMEBUSTER GET TO HIM IN TIME - OR IS THIS THE END OF OUR DEJECTED, DEPRESSED DYMANIC DREAMBOAT? WILL YOUR FAVORITE DETECTIVE STORY WRITER HAVE TO FIND HIMSELF A NEW LOYAL, ALL-AMERICAN RED-BLOODED SIDEKICK?

SIT TIGHT, GROOVY GUMSHOE GROUPIES.

THE WORST IS YET TO CUM IN OUR NEXT CHAPTER!!!

CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR - Holy Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice

MIKE - With the bad guys all put away where they should be, Eddie back alive like he should be, AJ back with Jake and the two of 'em gettin' pumped for the big fight in just a few days as they should be, you'd think that ev'rything's back to normal, that it's all good. Well, it kinda appears like that, but the next few days get a little complicated. See, Jake, still sufferin' his gunshot wound, is a little outside-a-phobic, or whatever it's called when you're nuts about goin' outside by yourself, can't get the nabbin' and shootin' outta his head, he asks if he and AJ can stay with me-n-Eddie til it's all over, and they get the heck outta Dodge.

"You guys wanna stay with us til the fight? Why's that? Not that we wouldn't wanna have ya around, but what's the deal?"

"Detective..."

"Mike"

"Mike, me-n-AJ's been talkin' and we're both a little shaken by this whole thing, and we was wonnerin' if you guys could act as our bodyguards. I may be the boy's manager and personal trainer and all that, but this whole kidnappin' thing has taught me that I can't protect anyone worth a damn."

" I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Jake. Ya got in a few punches and a kick or two..."

"Right - just before I got shot."

"Well, there ya have it - ya took a bullet for the boy. Ya tried to save 'im - ya put your life so far out there on the line that ya took a bullet - in the leg, yet - and when you were strugglin' to get back up, the kid was already tied up and bein' yanked on his way out. Trust me, Superfoot, ya did ev'rything ya could."

Eddie was nearby, heard ev'rything I said, put in his two cents.

"Mike's right, Jake. In fact, this whole thing happened for a reason. If it weren't for AJ gettin' kidnapped, we never woulda known about this kinky photo ring, or the gallery or any of that."

"For a reason? What about you almost dying?"

"I did. I was actually in the next life. I met with a guy that worked with us for a little bit, when I was kidnapped and Mike had to find me. But anyways, that really tested my mettle. I was taken by accident, another guy shoulda been there, not me, but when we realized the mistake, I was still ready to give my life up, so the other guy, a young cop, could stay alive. But they said I'd upset the natural order of life, so I came back. The whole thing really showed me who I was. You and AJ served as the means by which me-n-Mike could get these guys and pounce on 'em, as well as shut their business down and rescue those other hostages. If you stopped them from gettin' AJ, these sick, demonic crimes would still be committed, those other three hostages woulda been killed. Your bullet wound also was proof of your love for AJ and your bravery. So this all happened for the best, my friend."

"Eddie, let's go in the other room and talk about this."

"Right you are."

We went into another room to discuss whether to act as bodyguards for these guys or not.

"I'm not sure about this, kiddo, what about you?"

"But Boss-man, this is what we do, this is what we were born to do. We rescued AJ as well as a couple of other guys, so bein' their bodyguards is kinda preventive. You seen how nervous Jake is and how down on himself he is. If we don't do this, then we won't be what people say we are."

"And what's that?"

"Heroes. Good guys. Let's be good guys, huh?"

"You make a valid point, there, kiddo. All right, they can stay til the fight's over. What the heck, they're goin' back outta town the nest day, so, let's do this thing."

Eddie beamed and exclaimed, "ALL RIGHT MIKE!" then gave me a sloppy one on the lips.

"There's more where that came from, my Cloaked Crimebuster!"

"I'll be waiting, my Boy Friday!"

My one concern, of course, was AJ takin' a likin' to my boy. Now, I know others have before, and he is a cutie and all, but this kid was gonna be in my house for a few days, he was always gonna be around Eddie. And there was somethin' else a-brewin' that none of us were ready for. Jake, himself.

Our first night together, we ordered Chinese and Superfuck, I mean, Superfoot, was showin' some red flags. He really played up his busted leg by makin' AJ serve him food, reach for napkins, even take him to the john, that sorta thing.

He watched how AJ was eatin', and just when AJ was goin' to get a second helpin', Jake stepped in.

"Hey, easy on that stuff, would ya?"

"Aw, heck, man, it's only Chinese - this don't put anything...."

"HEY! I think you heard what I said. You take one more bite and you won't be a middleweight anymore, you'll be another Jake La Motta, all fat and disgusting and pathetic. Then who the hell am I gonna manage?"

"Jake, come on..."

"No back talk, ya got it?"

He stared AJ down to where he wasn't gonna take any more - food, that is.

"Now, I'm done with my plate, would you please throw it away for me?"

"Uh, sure, Jake."

The poor kid was gonna take a lot more than that. I suspect he was takin' a whole bucket full of crap before.

Eddie gets up for seconds and Jake says to me, "ya sure ya wanna let 'im eat all that?"

"Nothin' wrong with that. He's a growin' boy. Besides, all that stuff's s'posed to be good for ya."

"I dunno - it doesn't look like he's gonna fight in any ring I'm a part of."

"Who says I wanted to?"

I was gonna halt the kid, mind his manners and all, but I thought old Superfuck, I mean, Superfoot, deserved what he was gonna get.

"Nah, no one, I was just sayin'..."

Eddie thought for a sec and came up with an excuse to get outta the livin' room and go see about AJ.

"Ya know, I think I need to get some more napkins. Be right back."

EDDIE - I went into the kitchen and found AJ just standin' there, starin' into space.

"Hey, AJ, you all right?"

He tried to save face, tryin' to make himself gain his composure.

"Uh, sure, yeah, thanks - - I'm fine."

"You don't look it - you looked pretty upset to me. Jake always give you a hard time like that?"

AJ started gettin' uncomfortable and fidgeting - "Uh, it's not a hard time - he's just lookin' out for me is all."

"Lookin' out for ya? By givin' ya what for about what ya eat?"

"Hey, it's important to maintain my weight classification - I'm a middleweight..."

"And what about this business about throwin' his trash out for him?"

"It's only to make sure I stay humble so I can focus on the sport itself, not the fame and fortune that goes with it, 'cuz it's not gonna last forever."

I walked a little closer to him, folded my arms, spread my legs a little, cocked my head to the right and squinted and sneered.

"Yeah? Is that really you talkin', or are ya just recitin' the spin this svengali lays on ya?"

Then he hits me with an upper right hook in the face. I go down, just inches from hittin' my head on a countertop. AJ panics and rushes over to me.

"Jesus, Eddie, I didn't mean to hit ya that hard. I just got pissed at ya, is all. Are ya gonna be okay?"

Tryin' to get my sea legs back, I said, "sure, kid, it's no big deal. I'll be okay."

Mike and Jake come runnin' in to see what's goin' on. They musta heard the punch and my grimacing didn't help any. They musta heard that, too.

Mike runs over to me, "Jesus Murphy, kiddo, what the hell happened?"

"AJ was just showin' me some boxin' moves and just went a bit far, is all. It was an accident."

Mike looks at me like he doesn't believe me, and he's right, too. I only said that so AJ could save face in front of Jake. I was gonna slip Mike the truth later on when we were alone. Him and Jake tried to get me to stand up, but I was so dizzy that my legs gave out. Mike said he'd carry me to the bedroom so I could pass out, and told one of them to get me a cold compress.

Mike put me on our bed, tapped my face to try to get my attention. I kinda laughed a little.

"Hey, Boss-Man, it's all right. But what I said happened wasn't true."

"Hey, no crap, Sherlock, I could read through ya like a book. What really went on in there?"

"I was bein' a detective. I suspect AJ and Jake have an abusive relationship, like he's his svengali or somethin', and I was tryin' to get the truth out, and like a good cornered suspect, he flattened me."

Mike chuckled and smirked, "yeah, ain't it the truth. Ya just can't stop dickin' for a minute, can ya. Always hot on the beat - my beautiful boy gumshoe. I know you were just tryin' to protect AJ and ya think he's in a bum spot and all, but it's really up to the two of them to get through it, unless one of 'em asks for help. We don't walk the beat unless we know somethin's up for sure, ya got that?"

I smile and say, "yes sir, Boss-man."

"That's the way I like to hear my Boy Friday talk. Hey, listen, I'll look in on ya later, and I'll just keep this whole AJ thing between us."

MIKE - I walk outta the bedroom and find AJ standin' there, right in my face.

"Somethin' on your mind, kid?"

"I just wanna know how Eddie is, that's all?"

"Ya mean Detective Robinson?"

"Huh?"

"You listen to me, pal, ya don't go around sluggin' someone when he's reachin' out to ya. That gift from God of a boy in there is an angel to me and I don't let anyone hurt 'im without answerin' for it. By the way, what the hell was that the other day - do ya wanna feel my shorts?"

"Nothin' at all - he was just admirin' them - he said he wanted to get a pair like that for himself and I was just tellin' him how good they feel on me. Hey, are ya gettin' all jealous on me?"

Busted - the kid knew what was on my mind, I had to come clean.

"Yeah - and so what of it? He was lookin' at your picture when Jake hired us to go rescue you. I didn't figure on you becomin' chummy. The kid and me are like twenty years apart. It gets ya sometimes, ya know. I just don't wanna lose him."

AJ smiled at me and said, "hey, the way that guy looks at you, you ain't got nothin' to worry about. Ya know who ya act like, to me?"

"No, who's that?"

"Batman and Robin."

I smirk and chuckle. I think Eddie woulda said, holy irony, or somethin'. I took AJ to the hall closet and showed him our bat-costumes.

"Yeah, the kid's been into that for all his life. That's why he became a crimefighter, just like his ol' pal, Robin."

AJ almost drooled at the Robin costume. "Wow, you guys actually wear these things? Hey, how's he look in this?"

"Never you mind - but, yeah, we put 'em on once in a while. I remember once Eddie thought we should fight crime in these all the time, but I says to him, I says 'Eddie', Batman and Robin are fiction. This isn't gonna give us credibility - why don't we just dress like this for ourselves.' So...uh, we do - once in a while, ya know. Don't say a word - not if ya don't want Jake to know you're rattin' him out."

"Aw, no, man, please....I won't say a thing."

"Does he hurt you? Hit ya, say bad things to ya?"

AJ put his head down, looked away, sniffed.

"Hey, look up at me. Does he?"

His face was all wet and he looked like he wanted to bawl for a real long time.

"Well, if ya don't wanna talk about it now, I can respect that, but ya know we're always here if'n'when ya do."

AJ just nodded, didn't say anything, but we were both startled, by Jake. "What's goin' on?"

"Oh, uh, nothin' - the kid was just uptight about sluggin' Eddie, but I told him it was okay."

"Sure. Hey, AJ, time to hit the sack - ya got roadwork tomorrow. "

He then started swingin' his arms, back and forth, snappin' his fingers, "come on, let's go - let's go - let's go."

AJ took off and Jake says to me, "Sorry about that, but the kid just doesn't listen sometimes. Ya gotta show him who's boss, if ya catch my meanin'."

"Show him who's boss? Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't he pay you? Isn't he your boss?"

"Look, pal, I don't tell ya how to solve a crime and you don't tell me how to train my boxer."

"Your meal ticket, you mean."

"Hey. If I didn't have this bum leg, you woulda had my thigh right in your face."

"Ah, yes. Didn't ya slap your leg a little hard, there? The leg that just sustained a gunshot wound a couple of days ago?"

"What're ya gettin' at?"

"Come on down to my office - we gotta have a little talk. My boy's gotta dizzy spell in there and your kid's gotta go joggin' in the morning."

We walked down to my office and I confronted Jake with ev'ry thing I had a feeling about.

"When ya first came to us, I saw the cast, and ya had your crutches and all, I just thought 'Jesus - poor guy - just got shot tryin' to save his kid', and all. I felt pretty bad for both of ya. Then when ya asked us to bodyguard the two of ya until the fight later on, I thought, 'oh sure - the guy's a little scared, needs a little protection'. AJ needs protection, all right, but not from some kinkoid who likes to take weird pictures, but from you."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Ya treat him like he's a supermarket stock boy with down syndrome."

"He's gotta stay in shape so he can have a good long career."

"Who's career ya lookin' out for - for real? His, or yours?"

Jake gets real riled up and stands up, goin' for me, pushin' his chair out behind him, standin' still on both legs.

"Hey, Superfungus, that's a real nice cast ya got there. Ya want me to sign it."

"Hey, get your slimy paws away..."

"This don't feel like a cast to me. It's got a seam in the back. Are you sure your wound's gettin' good support from a cloth cast?"

"It - it - it's a new type they're doing. Making you comfortable."

My hand was on the zipper in the back. I sneer:

"Oh, is that so?"

I pull down the zipper and look up and down for the wound.

"Interesting. Your bullet wounds heal faster than ours do. I don't see any scarring here at all. Ya wanna see some real gunshot wounds, buddy?"

I show him my hand from when my ex-partner shot me when Eddie was cuffed to a tree. I toiok my shirt off and showed him the two slug marks from that dame with the contract hit. The dart in the arm from the art gallery. The bullet I suffered from the Police Chief's whack-job of a wife at the Christmas party.

"There - ya see? These are from a while ago - but I'll always wear these marks for the rest of my life."

I grab him by the scruff of his neck

"You were never shot at all. You arranged this whole kidnappin' thing, it was all a hoax. You did this just to get me and Eddie killed. You were at the Gallery and set up the whole thing. Me-n-Eddie walked right in there and were greeted by poison darts that almost took Eddie's life, and they didn't do me much good, either. They hit me twice with those things. Why the hell did ya do it. WHY DID YA DO IT, YA SICK SON OF A BITCH?"

I couldn't control myself, I started sluggin' the guy. I landed a few punches, he kicked me a couple of times, knockin' me clear across the room. I ran back and slugged 'im a few more times, grabbin' him, throwin' him across the room. He finally gave in.

"All right - all right - all right - stop hittin' me, I give up. Yes, I admit it. I arranged it with them to lure you guys into a trap. I wanted you both dead."

"And you used that sweet kid as a pawn in your pungent, putrid plot. Aw, God, for the life of me, I'll never understand that. Why'd ya want us dead?"

"You ruined my guy's life."

"Who's your guy?"

"One of the cops workin' upstate. Yeah, I was his fuck-buddy, then when you had 'im thrown off the police force, and had him locked up, there went ev'rything. Do ya know what happened to him? I'll tell ya - he killed himself in prison. I went over to visit him and they told me. I said they were lyin', I wanted proof, and they showed me his body. He hung himself. Later I found out it was you guys who put him away and I wanted to avenge that. I still do."

"You must've been one sick fuck to put us through ev'rything ya did. You could've just stalked us and shot us down in cold blood, lookin' at us right in the eye as ya did it, too. I could've at least respected that. But what you just told me proves you're nothin' more than a snivelin' coward who can't even face his own foes. You call yourself a man. You're not even human."

"Oh, but you are - but not for long."

Before I knew it, he had a gun hidden and it was pointed at me.

"Get your hands up!"

DAMN! I was captured. I was his hostage. My hands were up. I was sweatin' bullets - pun intended.

"You know you're right. I shoulda just shot you down in cold blood. And that's just what I'm gonna do, too."

"What about AJ?"

"He goes down too, after watchin' you bite the dust."

"What about the fight?"

"I'm gonna blow his brains out right after it."

"Oh, yeah, sure, right after you take your percentage of the purse."

"Hey, I'm a workin' man - gotta make a livin' somehow."

"Don't tell me - ya got life insurance on him, too?"

"10 million big ones. I'll make it look like you and that boy bastard of yours ganged up on him, that he shot the both of you and ya both killed him with your last breath. So come on, Detective Christ, Calgary is waiting."

I walk out with my hands up, walkin' in front of Jake when I suddenly pretended to see a spider and stamp it out, but the poor thing crawled on Jake's foot. If he was gonna pretend to be lame, well, the least I could do was drive the message home. I stomp on his foot, he grabs it, droppin' the gun. I beat the holy hell outta him. Eddie had to be in on this, he'd never forgive me for bustin' a bad guy without him. I call out, "Eddie! Eddie! We got a live one!" I hear him moan. Aw, good Christ! He's in pain. I finished up the fight without him, he'd be sure to understand. I cuffed Jake and went outside and locked him in the back of the car. It's an old squad car with the gate up between the front and back seats - no inside handles on the door, shatterproof windows so the prisoner couldn't get out. I got it at an auction. The way I figured it is if me-n-Eddie couldn't be uniforms, at least we get to drive around like we were.


MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER PART OF THE HOUSE, THE BEDROOM SECTION, NO LESS, NAMELY EDDIE'S BEDROOM.

EDDIE - I was just driftin' off to sleep when AJ knocks on my door, "Hey, Eddie, can I come in?"

"Uh, sure - I thought ya'd be asleep already. Don't ya have roadwork in the morning?"

"Nah, don't worry about that. I just had to see ya for myself, and to apologize."

"So ya hit me, it's no big deal."

"Naw, I mean, the attitude I copped with ya. Uh, ya mind if I sit?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"You're right - about ev'rything. Jake does ride me too much. The boxing association set me up with him. I wasn't doin' too good before, and they thought he could whip me into shape. It musta worked, I mean, I do have a title."

"Yeah"

"But he does get to me. We signed a contract and it's up pretty soon. I'm thinkin' of not renewing it."

"Okay"

"I let him get too far. It got too personal. He liked me and I started to like him, and....well, ya know."

"Yeah, real well. I joined up with Mike at first because I had a crush on him, then I wanted to be his partner, sort of payin' him back for savin' my life a long time ago. My dad kidnapped me when I was 6 and Mike found me and saved my life. I liked him ever since. I figured we'd fight the bad guys, I didn't know he liked me, too, and then....."

I started to smile at the thought of it. AJ caught on.

"So, you dig this guy, right? He been good to ya?"

"I love him with all my heart, and, yeah, he's been a god-send."

I walk out with my hands up, walkin' in front of Jake when I suddenly pretended to see a spider and stamp it out, but the poor thing crawled on Jake's foot. If he was gonna pretend to be lame, well, the least I could do was drive the message home. I stomp on his foot, he grabs it, droppin' the gun. I beat the holy hell outta him. Eddie had to be in on this, he'd never forgive me for bustin' a bad guy without him. I call out, "Eddie! Eddie! We got a live one!" I hear him moan. Aw, good Christ! He's in pain. I finished up the fight without him, he'd be sure to understand. I cuffed Jake and went outside and locked him in the back of the car. It's an old squad car with the gate up between the front and back seats - no inside handles on the door, shatterproof windows so the prisoner couldn't get out. I got it at an auction. The way I figured it is if me-n-Eddie couldn't be uniforms, at least we get to drive around like we were.

AJ blushed a little, "ya know, Jake's got kind of a sweet side to him, too."

"Sure - I bet."

"Naw, naw, it's true. He can be real good to me sometimes. Not often enough, but, sometimes."

I smirk and grumble, "uh-huh". That makes AJ laugh and we're both laughin', lookin' at each other, then his face changes, he looked hungry. Hungry for me. He leans over and tries to kiss me on the mouth, but I jump back.

"Wait a second, hold it. What're ya doing?"

He gets breathless, "My God, Eddie, I think I'm in love with you."

"Holy complications. AJ, it can't be possible. Look, I'm just a guy who's been nice to ya, but that doesn't mean you love me."

He grabs me and kisses me a couple of times, "but I am, Eddie. You've been turning me on since you broke into my trap and saved me, with those other guys. I watched you in action and I just gotta have you."

"Yeah, well, there was one other guy in action with me. You know, my partner? Mike?"

"But he doesn't have to know anything."

"He sure as heck does! I tell him ev'rything. I'm an open book to him and he knows how to read me. AJ, for God's sake, please don't do this."

MIKE - Anyway, back to the case. Jake was safe inside the squad car. This was one delivery to the police station I took pleasure in.

PLEASURE? MICHAEL, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE GETTING PLEASURE OUT OF THIS.


MEANWHILE, BACK TO EDDIE AND AJ:
He fondles me. He kisses me. I try to resist, but that doesn't last. I fondle him. I kiss him. It's a long, passionate kiss, to boot. God, he was good. His beautiful soft, supple lips inside mine. I licked his lips with my tongue. He slides down on me. He goes down on me. He unzips my pants. I open my belt and push my pants down. He takes my cock in his hands, strokin' it slowly. I felt a rush goin' right through me as he stroked my tip, and ran his tongue up and down my shaft. I held onto the bed railing, I had to hold onto something.

MIKE - I get back in the house and head for the bedroom, still hearin' the moaning. I was thinking 'don't worry, kid - I'll be right there' - I open the door and then.....

I stood in the doorway. I couldn't believe what I was seeing with my own eyes. My boy and Jake's boy - - together - - nude. Eddie was gettin' his dick sucked. By AJ. As if I hadn't been goin' through enough. A force of rage came over me and overcame me and I lunged at AJ, grabbing him by the throat.

"You get the hell off him, you slimy bastard, or I swear I'll kill you."

I turn and lunge at Eddie, too, then AJ piped in, "please, it wasn't his fault..."

It was then I knew I'd lost it. I took out my piece and started firing at him. He tried to get out of the room, but I fired a few more times, emptying my piece, and tossing it aside.

"You stay right there - I haven't even started with you yet."

Then I confront Eddie. I grab him and start punching him, a few hooks to the face, he tried to fight back, he raised his fist and I grabbed it. He was crying.

"No. Don't you even waste one tear. You have no right. This is only a fraction of the pain you've caused me."

I backed him up against a wall, ordered him to leave his arms at his side.

"You struck a blow to my heart, and I'm gonna do likewise. Just stand there and take what's comin' to ya - like a man. You know this is how I deal with all my enemies."

Eddie's eyes widened in horror. I started punching his face, then his stomach, landing a few blows to his chest. I gave him a backhanded slap across the face, then grabbed him and threw him on the ground next to AJ.

"You both did this on my bed. You both wanna be on my bed so badly, then you will."

I take them both and cuff 'em to the bed railing. I remembered Jake sitting out in the car, ready to haul off to the police station.

"You just sit there and think about all this. I caught Jake in a lie about wanting to rub the three of us out. This was gonna be a real victory, but you two turned it into a tragedy. Jake was gonna shoot us all to death, but I put a stop to that. Now, for the life of me, I wish I hadn't."

I walk out and slam the door behind me. I kept goin'. I had a prisoner to arrest. A case to solve. Me-n-Eddie were always happy when the bad guys got it. Jake turned out to be a bad guy and he got it. Now, AJ and Eddie were bad guys, too. Jesus Murphy, what was I gonna do? I did the only thing I could - I put on my hat and coat and did justice. Even if I no longer had anyone to share it with, I still was the best goddam gumshoe in the game. I still went out into the night, strikin' fear into the black hearts of the bad with my hat and my long trenchcoat, which swung furiously like a cape in the wind as I hit the streets. I was still the Dashin' Detective.

EDDIE - Me-n-AJ sat on the bed, cuffed. Usually, I'd try to break free. I'd struggle, but now, my foe was my lover, my partner. The only man I've ever really loved. If only Jake had come up and shot all of us. No bullet ever fired could cause me as much pain as the repercussions I knew were gonna come to me. Even though I had no right to do this, I began to cry. With his free hand, AJ touched my shoulder, to try to comfort me.

"No, don't touch me, please. Mike usually did that. I can't believe I could hurt him as much as I did."

"It was all my fault. I'll explain it all when he gets back."

"What if I lose him, AJ? What'll I do then?"

HOLY HUMILIATION! THE BOY FRIDAY CAUGHT IN A FLAGRANT ACT OF ADULTERY BY THE CLOAKED CRIMEBUSTER? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? WHAT IS TO BECOME OF THE DARING, DASHING DETECTIVES?

AS ALWAYS, ALL THE ANSWERS WILL BEGIN TO UNFOLD IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE - Dance of the Double-Dashin' Duos

MIKE - It looks like me-n-Eddie are gonna be okay - Eddie's back to life and we're gettin' more movement in our bodies. I know we're gonna get outta this and rescue that boy. We epitomize the side of good, we work out, I'm dashin', Eddie's hot, we're both rough and ready and we're gonna do it. First off, though, a little macho talk to get us pumped. It gives us strength to do what we gotta do, plus it gives us both such hard-ons. Eddie gets the idea to just take the screws outta the door and reaches for his tool belt, but finds out it ain't there. Gotta admit, that tool belt is a turn on, what with all that leather and steel wrapped around his waist. But now since it ain't there, there's nothing between his shirt and his pants. I'd love to get my hands on that, but first we had work to do.

"Mike, my tool belt - it's gone!"

"Bastards - they musta taken it when we were rendered powerless - we can't just undo these hinges - and that window has bars on it - we gotta break this thing down - do a few running stops and them slam into this bad boy."

I snap my finger and point at Eddie "- ya ready?"

Eddie slams his fist into his other hand, "I'm rough and ready, Boss-man!"

I grab him by the arms, "Good boy - let's do this thing."

We do just that - run up to the door and throw ourselves against it a few times, egged on by the cracks in the woodwork, while maintaining our own wood. A few more tries and the thing starts to give, then finally...

"Wow! We did it! We're out!"

"Nice goin', kid. But we gotta figure out where the heck they took AJ."

"Gosh, you're right - this is a big city on its own, but it gets even bigger when someone goes missin'."

"That ain't all that's missin'. Our car's gone."

"Holy grand theft auto!"

"For the time bein', maybe, but not for long, thanks to this little beauty right here."

"That's the remote device you invented - lets ya find your car anywhere."

"Yep - I only used it in shoppin' malls with them huge parkin' lots - a man can get lost in one of those places. Now, let's see if it'll lead us to the thieves."

My boy was crestfallen - I asked him what the matter was.

"Just when we got a hostage to rescue, somethin' like THIS comes up. Man, this just isn't our day."

I smirk a little and say, "Really...ya think so, huh?"

"What else would ya call it - I almost get killed - somebody in the Great Beyond misread the death list and called me up by mistake...."

NOt understandin' a thing this kid is sayin', I break in, "wait, wait, wait a minute - the Great Beoynd? A death list?"

EDDIE - Of course, the Boss-man didn't know what was goin' on. He had no idea why I died and came back miraculously.

"Uh, I'll tell ya later - after you've had a couple, that is."

"Uh...okay."

"But still, though, how the heck are we gonna get AJ back now?"

"Simple - we just call a cab and turn on this little beauty of mine and then..."

"Then we NAIL 'em! What're we waitin' for...let's roll!"

MIKE - Would ya believe it - we actually get a cab to go after the bad guys. The cabbie recognizes us and wants to join in on the fun.

"Wow, hey, ya think I can help ya catch the bad guys!"

"All ya gotta go is follow my directions and ya lead us right to 'em."

After a few miles we see the car.

"Hey, pull up over here - there's the car - and there must be the bad guys."

"Holy cliche - always at an abandoned building."

"If there's one thing these crooks ain't got is an imagination." I hand the cabbie the fare and thank him for takin' us right where we were goin' - even though we didn't know where we'd end up. Pretty seedy lookin' area.

"Hey, guys, can I go in there with ya?"

"Nah, I'm afraid not - it's not gonna be pretty in there - there might be a gunfight and I don't want ya gettin' hurt."

"What're ya talkin' about? I was in Afghanistan last year - I got hit a couple-a times and made it out."

"Well, it looks like ya got a lotta guts. You already helped us out a lot and you served your country. I think it's time ya deserved a break. Ya got a family?"

"Yeah, a wife - she just had our first kid right before I came back. I'm still on the list, though. The way things are goin' there, I could be goin' back before I know it."

"In that case, just take it easy. You're a good American and you're a good citizen. Your wife and baby should be proud of ya for that."

"Thanks, guys. I'm glad I could help."

The cabbie takes off and me-n-Eddie knew what we had to do next. I marvel at this guy's chutzpah and say to Eddie,

"Hey, how do ya like that - ev'ryone wants to get in on the crimebustin' thing. Can't say as I blame 'em, though. It does my heart a lotta good to see guys out there who wanna do their part."

MEANWHILE, AT AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AJ IS TIED UP AND STRUGGLING AS HIS KIDNAPPERS WALK IN THE ROOM, WITH A NEW PRISONER, WHO ALSO STRUGGLES AND GRIMACES IN PAIN AS IT'S NOT HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK, IT'S HIS BICEPS FORCED TOGETHER WITH A PLASTI-CUFF. THE BOND IS UNDONE AND HE INSTANTLY RUBS HIS ARMS, GRIMACING AND MOANING THE WHOLE TIME. ONE OF THE GOONS PISTOL WHIPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE AND HE FALLS BACKWARD, ALL WITNESSED BY AJ.

"That could be you, kid, if ya don't cooperate. We'll be calling on you pretty soon. I hope you're in a subservient mood. In the meantime, we brought ya a little company. Strap him in guys."

THE NEW PRISONER IS ALSO WRAPPED UP AND SITS NEXT TO AJ.

"AJ, this is Chet - a college football player. He'll be touchin' down on somethin' else when we get through with him."

"You could at least tell us why the heck you're holdin' us here. What's your game plan?"

"We're gonna do that photo session I've been hittin' on ya for. We tried to ask politely, but ya wouldn't cooperate."

CHET CHIMES IN, "What kinda photo sessions?"

"It's for a new exhibit at our art gallery. A new piece I'm calling 'Men In Pain'. Oh, fetishists everywhere'll get a big bang out of it."

"Why do ya have to do all this stuff to us? Couldn't we just pose."

"No, that's not convincing enough. In order for the pain to come across from our subjects in our art, it must first be brought out from within. Every gnash of the teeth, every squint of the eyes, every gasp for breath, every look of panic in your eyes, the occasional tear, a scar and a bruise here and there. Get ready for your close-ups, boys. We'll be back."

THE TERRORISTS LEAVE AND AJ AND CHET PONDER WHAT'S NEXT AS CHET FIGHTS BACK THE TEARS.

"Chet? That's your name?"

"Yeah, good to meet ya."

"Likewise. I'm AJ"

"Buckner - yeah, I recognized ya - I even got tickets to your match."

"Sweet. Hey, how'd they get you?"

"Well, like he says, I'm a college football player, on a scholarship. I guess they musta been stalkin' the campus or somethin'. Anyway, I was on my way back to the dorm when I met these guys in the hallway. I never made it back. Just great, too, I got finals comin' up. I could lose my scholarship if I don't get outta here."

"Yeah, I know - I could lose the title by default if I can't get out and defend it."

CHET STARTS CRYIN' - AJ TRIES TO COMFORT HIM.

"Aw, don't be like that - it's gonna be okay - I just know it."

"I'm sorry - I know I shouldn't - but I just got to town a few months ago. I came over here from Iowa."

"Small-town boy?"

"Yeah. First time I'm ever in a big city like this. I had no idea. If I'd known it was gonna be like this, I woulda gone to school back home, but I wanna go pro - just like you - and I figured I had to come out here to do that. Pete's sake, I'm only 18 years old."

"Aw, creeps - you're just a kid - I'm sorry this is happenin' to ya. So, they just grabbed ya like that?"

"Nah, not at first. Some shady characters did come up to me and kept sayin' I should be a male model - they liked me a lot."

"Can't say as I blame 'em there - you are pretty good-lookin'."

"Well, uh, thanks. I always thought you were pretty hot, too."

"Thanks - but we gotta find a way outta here. I've been workin' with these ropes for a while. I think I got some slack in the back."

AJ GROANS AS HE STRUGGLES TO BREAK FREE, AND HE DOES. HE UNTIES HIS FEET, THEN UNTIES CHET.

"Let's get the heck outta here fast they'll be back sooner than we'll know."

"Maybe there's a fire escape outside the window."

THEY LOOK AND SPOT A FIRE ESCAPE.

"All right - let's get climbin'!"

AJ GETS OUT FIRST AND CHET GETS ONE LEG OUT THE WINDOW AND IS ABOUT TO STEP OUT WITH THE OTHER LEG, THEN....

"All right, just stop right there. We got ya covered."

CHET PANICKS AND WHISPERS, "What'll I do?"

"Don't pay attention, just keep movin'!"

CHET DOES WHAT AJ SAYS, THEN IS SHOT IN THE LEG AS HE GETS IT OUT THE WINDOW. HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND SCREAMS. AJ RUNS BACK UP TO GET HIM AND HELP HIM DOWN. BUT THERE'S A GUN POINTED RIGHT AT CHET'S HEAD.

"All right, Buckner - you make one false move and the kid gets it."

ONE OF THE GOONS DRAGS CHET'S POOR HELPLESS BODY BACK INSIDE AS THE GUNMAN ORDERS AJ TO PUT HIS HANDS UP AND GET BACK IN.

"You thought you were being pretty slick, don't ya. We only pretended to leave to see what you'd do, and you did exactly what I was afraid of. We were only pretending with this whole thing. We were gonna release you unharmed when we had enough photos for our exhibit, but ya pushed us too far."

THE GUNMAN RELOADS AS AJ STANDS HELPLESSLY.

"Stand in the middle of the floor - I wanna give you some room to fall over as soon as I'm done pluggin' ya."

"Holy creeps - this is it. I'm sorry, Chet."

"It's okay, man, ya did your best. It was a good idea at the time."

"You bet your ass this is it. You can put your arms down now."

AJ DROPS HIS ARMS AND STANDS STIILL - THE GUNMAN IS AIMING HIS GUN AT AJ'S ARMS, LEGS, TORSO, AS IF HE CAN'T DECIDE WHERE TO START SHOOTING FIRST. HE FINALLY PULLS THE TRIGGER, AJ IS SHOT IN THE UPPER RIGHT ARM. HE SCREAMS AND GRABS IT, THEN IS SHOT IN THE LOWER LEFT LEG, THEN THE RIGHT LEG. ONE OF THE GOONS STARTS SNAPPIN' PHOTOS OF THE TWO AS THEY LIE ON THE GROUND, HOLDING THEIR WOUNDS, CRYING, GRIMACING, MOANING.

"Oh, that's beautiful - just what I wanted. Oh, you boys are gonna make my exhibit a smash."

MIKE - Hey! I hear shots! Eddie does, too.

"I think I heard them comin' from the other side of the buildin'."

"Ya got your - - aw, shit! That's right, they lifted your belt when you were knocked out."

"We got spare pieces in the car - I keep 'em in a secret compartment. The bad guys would never know."

"GOOD BOY, Eddie! Let's scope this dump out."

We go around and spot a fire escape - there's an open window on the second floor.

"That's gotta be the place. Let's check it out."

"Yeah, but we gotta be real quiet - if there's anyone on the other side of that window, we don't want 'em to know we're comin'. The element of surprise."

"Gotcha, Boss-man!"

We scale up the fire escape and look inside and see AJ and some other kid lyin' on the ground. Eddie gasps in horror. AJ hears him and looks up and sees us. He gets scared.

I whisper to him, "no, no, it's all right - it's us - The Dashin' Duo. Where're the bad guys?"

"They just left the room, but they said they'd be back."

"Not to worry - we'll be ready for 'em."

We climb in and Eddie sees to AJ - I spot the other boy there, too and check him out. No, no, no, not in that way - I'm checkin' to see how badly he's hurt.

"AJ, it's a pleasure to meet ya - can't wait to see your fight on pay-per-view."

"Pay-per-view? Ya ain't gonna check it out in person?"

"Nah, couldn't get the tickets in time."

"The heck you say - you guys get us outta here and ya got ringside seats. You'll catch every drop of blood I draw from my opponent."

"Heh-heh. Speakin' of blood, I'm checkin' ya out here and don't see any. Where'd they get ya?"

"Everywhere, man, my right arm, my two legs. Maybe there won't be a fight after all."

"You're not bleedin' anywhere, though, but there are a bunch of little steel balls around here."

"How ya doin', I'm Mike Batz - what's your name?"

"Chet - I got snatched a little while ago comin' outta school."

"Where'd he get ya?"

"Back of the right leg. Gosh, it hurts."

"Wow, that is a pretty nasty bruise, but that's all it is. I don't see any blood anywhere."

"Gee, Boss-Man - they were only hit with pellets - they didn't even penetrate 'em."

"After we were hit, these maniacs started takin' pictures of us on the ground screamin."

Me-n-Eddie looked at each other and shouted, "MEN IN PAIN!"

"Huh? What?"

"Some sick thing they got goin' at that gallery you hung out at before. Now I know what their game is - they snatch hunky young guys and hurt 'em a little, then they take their pictures. It makes my skin crawl."

"Hey, Chet, ya think ya can stand up - it doesn't look like we were really shot."

"Probably."

"No - no - no - don't - at least not yet. Just keep lyin' there like ya are. Thank God there's a closet there. We're gonna pounce on these crumbs like there's no tomorrow."

EDDIE - I start hearin' footsteps outside. "Cheese it boss - I think they're comin'."

We hide out in the closet and just wait for our cue.

We hear the bad guys comin' back in.

"We just went over the pics we took - we're satisfied with some, but it looks like you guys got a little more work to do."

"Hey, look, we know we ain't wounded for real - just take what ya want and let us get outta here, okay?"

"No, it's not that simple. You looked pretty good and we thank you for your cooperation so far, but I think we're gonna take this to the next level."

We hear them loadin' their guns.

"Now, we're gonna get more...method acting, if you will. Now, we're gonna use real bullets. Who's gonna be the first? I'm not just pussyfootin' around this time, toy-boys."

That's our cue - we move! Smashin' outta the closet, we startle the goons.

"All right, Jimmy Olsen, you just tortured your last two models."

"Holy Diane Arbus, Boss-Man! Let's get 'em!"

"Thought you'd never ask."

The thugs do fire a couple of shots, but the four of us scramble and none of us is hit. Eddie kicks the gun outta one guy's hand and pulverizes him. Chet picks up a chair and whacks it at the back of the other bad guy's head. I grab one of the thugs and hold on tight and call out to AJ, "hey, AJ, how 'bout a little practice before your match?"

"Yessiree, BOB!" and he goes for it. The goons are down for the count. One of 'em was holdin' a camera which Chet lifts up and starts aimin' it - "hey, let's see how YOU like this", and snaps away.

Another set of footsteps - it's the Curator.

"Okay, boys, how are we..."

And then he gets a fish-eyed lens view of four good guys standin' - two bad guys wishin' they were never born.

"...Oh, Dear God."

As Eddie keeps his piece trained on the Curator, I walk over with the cuffs.

"Whatever the heck your name is - let's just call ya Old Dirty Bastard - like the rapper."

"I wouldn't know about such a thing - I'm a classical music aficionado. Why, just on the way over here, I was listening to the second movement of Rachmaninoff's Second Piano Concerto" and starts singin' "Full Moon and Empty Arms".

"Ya better check that CD label of yours - that's from the THIRD movement."

He thinks for a moment and says, "my God, you're absolutely right. I always confuse those two."

"Now, you're gonna tell me right here and now what's the meanin' of all-a this!"

"That's really not your concern."

I backhand him across the puss - "I'm concerned. Now, spill it!"

"All right - all right - It is a very long story."

"We've got time - we ain't goin' anywhere."

"The whole thing started, innocently enough, when I used to just cruise younger guys. I really couldn't get many of them to give me the time of day, so I started an art gallery with money left to me by my family. Then I started getting them to pose for me. It's like the old saying - take a picture, it'll last longer."

"When'd ya start doin' Men In Pain?"

"A couple of subjects didn't seem to be following directions, and I became frustrated, and started hitting them. I found myself turned on by the looks on their faces, as they contorted and the screaming and the moaning, and the....."

I put my hand up, so as to not hear anymore - this was gettin' sick -

"All right, all right, all right, I get the picture - PUN INTENDED, if ya don't mind. Now, look here, you and your goons are goin' away for a real long time if I have anything to say about it. I just got three words for ya - Watch Yer Back. Word gets out about what you were doin', ya never know who's got it in there for ya. I dunno if I'm gonna recommend a shrink, or just have 'em toss ya in and throw away the key. This'll come up in the trial. I am gonna recommend there's no bail - the good citizens of this town don't deserve to have to put up with scum the likes of you. Your gallery's gonna go down the toilet, too."

Eddie pipes in - "hey, ya know, forget the subject matter, I gotta admit, you are a good photographer. You could become a great one if ya just use your God-given talents to give pleasure to this world instead of harmin' 'em with these hideous pics."

"But I do give pleasure..."

"We're talkin' the right kinda pleasure here. A kind that's not gonna be at the expense of others. You could still become a Scavullo or an Amsel if ya just get your head right. Of course, you're gonna have a long time to think about it."

I then said, "Yeah, besides the time yer gonna do for kidnappin' and distributin' graphic porn, there's the assault and attempted murder charges. Who knows, ya may never bust the joint. It's all up to you from here, pal. All up to you. Another thing - what other guys ya got tied up around here? Show me all the POW/MIA's."

"There aren't anymore - these two were the only ones left. I told you I just photograph them and release them."

"We're waitin'."

"All right, I'll take you to the holding area and you will see there are no more prisoners."

With his goons in cuffs and me-n-Eddie armed and pissed and rough-n-ready, I whip out my rod and tell 'im no funny business or I spray his head off. We're escorted into another holdin' area and see nothin', hear nothin'. I give the go-ahead, as Eddie, along with Chet and AJ keep watch on the bad guys.

MIKE'S THE LAST ONE OUT - TAKES A LOOK AROUND, EVEN PEEKS IN A CLOSET, SEEMS SATISFIED, THEN LEAVES. BUT SUDDENLY, THERE'S A MUFFLED SOUND OF SORTS COMIN' FROM THE SAME CLOSET. HOLY HIDEAWAY! THERE ARE TWO MORE PRISONERS BOUND AND SEMI-CONSCIOUS IN A CONCEALED AREA. MIKE MUST'VE MISSED IT BY A NOSE - WELL, NOT REALLY....

THE TWO HEAR THE SOUND OF A DOOR BEING KICKED IN, THE CLOSET DOOR BEING RIPPED OFF ITS HINGES AS MIKE COMES TO YET ANOTHER RESCUE AND STARTS SHOUTING AT THE CURATOR:

"You told me there's no more guys locked up! What the hell are ya tryin' to pull over my eyes? For a clever guy, you're pretty stupid to think I wouldn't catch anything you're tryin' to hold out on me."

"So, Detective, are you going to spray my head off as you so delicately put it?"

"Naw, killin' ya's too good for ya - besides, I'd like to defer that pleasure to someone in the joint who might be really pissed off at ya. By the way, my name is Scarface..."

...and I motion to AJ, Eddie and Chet...

"...say hello to my little friends."

And what a greetin' we give 'em. The four of us against the three of them - seems like a fair duel, dontcha think? Each of us except for Chet grabs hold of a bad guy -

"sorry, kid, not enough thugs to go around."

He groans, "Holy musical chairs - I was never any good at that."

"All right, fellas - time to bake a cake - what say we crack a few eggs, eh?"

And the three of us slam the three of their heads together.

"Three heads are better than one, eh, Boss-Man?"

"Ya said a mouthful, kid, a real mouthful."


EPILOGUE

Another done deal for the Dashin' Detectives, if we do say so ourselves. Chet's the first guy we take home.

"Ya gotta get that leg looked after. Can we take ya to the hospital? We'll wait with ya."

"Thanks anyways, but there's an infirmary over at school. The team doc can check me out there."

"Good plan."

Now Chet is free and we're on route back to the office. Eddie gets on the horn with Jake.

"Hey, Jake? It's Eddie Robinson - we got AJ - we're bringin' him back to our place. Meet us there."

BUT - Just as things are lookin' peachy-keen - we stumble across an ugly scene. A white van pulls up a little too close for comfort right near an armoured car.

"Holy grand larceny - an armoured car robbery!"

"That's what they think!"

We see a couple-a goons get out with rifles, charge at the guards, who are carryin' a pretty big wad of cash in those bags of theirs. They drop the bags and put their hands up.

"Not to worry boys, just watch 'em get a load of these."

Smoke grenades - enough to drive these bastards nuts. The poor sons of a bitch don't know what's hittin' 'em. The smoke bombs go off and me-n-Eddie charge at the perps, with AJ in tow, no less.

"Stay back in the car, AJ, you might get hurt."

"No way! I wanna get a piece of this action."

The three of us pulverize the two of them. The guards also get in on the act. Five sets of flyin' fists.

"Hey, Boy Friday - ya still think this isn't our day?"

"Not anymore, Boss-Man - not anymore!"

The bandits are hoisted on their own pitards, in a manner of speakin'. We tie them up with the plastic handcuffs they were gonna use on the guards. AJ and Eddie keep watch over 'em while I check on the would-be victims and call the cops.

EDDIE - I knew this was an awkward time to ask about what AJ said back at the scene of the crime, but I just had to ask, "Hey, AJ, that offer for ringside seats still stand?"

"You got it, pal. Absolutely."

"Hey, ya know, I never noticed this before, but, uh, those are some pretty hot shorts ya got on. I gotta get a pair like that for myself."

"Yeah, they feel real good on me, too. Nice and soft and silky. Ya wanna feel 'em?"

"You bet!"

Then we both get a real firm hand on our shoulders - it's Mike buttin' right in the middle.

"But only on a mannequin at one of the best sports shops in town, ISN'T THAT RIGHT, EDDIE!"

"Uh, well, uh, (GULP) Whatever you say, Boss-Man!"

"Good - that's the way I like to hear my Boy Friday talk!"

The cops show up and clean up the mess. My heart was poundin' and I was catchin' my breath. AJ was laughin'.

"Man, I almost got killed once today - I think that's enough."

NEXT UP - Nothin' major, ya know - it's just that there's some pretty good drama comin' up when AJ's reunited with his trainer and they stay at our place until his title fight - lookin' at the two of us to be his bodyguards. Yer not gonna wanna miss this!

CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO - Eddie Robinson 1982 - 2006

MIKE - Hard to believe, isn't it - but it's true. While investigatin' a potential lead for this kidnappin' case, me-n-Eddie were suspicious about this curator for an all-gay art gallery bein' the one - seein' as it was one of the last stops AJ made before he was nabbed. Anyways, we were right, but we paid a heavy, heavy price for it. Me-n-Eddie were shot with darts loaded with the subtances used in lethal injections. Once we were rendered incapacitated, we were thrown into a back room and locked in there to die. Eddie - oh Jesus Murphy this is tough to write - Eddie died. That's the way he wanted it - to put his life on the line for our work, our passion, ironically, our reason for livin'. I just kept holdin' 'im. I was still feelin' the effects of the drugs in me, I couldn't move much. Yeah, my arms were hurtin' real bad, but I wanted to hold my partner... my sidekick...my boy...my baby. I lay sobbin', with Eddie's body....that's right. Eddie's body.

"You poor, sweet baby", I remember mumblin'. "Ya had a lotta guts. I loved ya with all my heart, and then some."

I was torn between wantin' to live so I can carry on and wrap this case up, bring AJ back home to his lover - at least somebody out there can be happy, and I can make it happen. I also was hopin' I could die, too. One thing that kept us goin' was that no matter what happened with us - we either had to survive together or go down together. This isn't fair - it wasn't part of our plan. I cursed God out for takin' him, but it's not His fault. I'm sorry I said it and I said so. But that's not gonna bring my boy back. I can cry all I want. I can hold onto his body all I want, I can do any god-awful thing I want, but Eddie's dead now. He's dead. He's dead - I gotta keep sayin' it so it can finally sink in. Eddie's dead. I wanted to yank the dart out of his arm, but I figured the cops would need that as evidence. Strugglin' to reach my phone, I called 9-11.

"There's been a shootin' - one of us is dead. We're at the Roxov Gallery on 23rd Street - we're locked in a back room somewhere. I'm paralyzed and in a lot of pain, my partner is dead - a fatal dart wound."

After I hung up, I fell back - I started feelin' weaker. Breath was still kinda hard to catch. I just kept lookin' up. "He's up there, now", I says to myself. "Hang on, kiddo, don't worry, I might be up there soon. You wait for me, would ya?" I closed my eyes - they were the only part of me that wasn't hurtin', but they were too heavy anymore.


DARKNESS ENVELOPES THE IMMEDIATE AREA. PEACEFUL. QUIET, EXCEPT FOR SOMEONE WALKING AROUND, LOST, NOT SURE OF HIS WHEREABOUTS, IT'S EDDIE. HE MADE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE AND IS SUDDENLY STUNNED BY A BLINDING WHITE LIGHT. HE HOLDS HIS HAND TO HIS FACE TO SHIELD HIS EYES, MUTTERING "HOLY RETINOPATHY". THEN A DISEMBODIED VOICE SPEAKS TO HIM, "No, not quite. Welcome to the aftermath, my child." EDDIE CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT'S GOING ON. "Uh, who are you? And where the heck am I?"

"You've crossed over."

"Ya mean I'm in...Heaven, I hope?"

"Yes, that's right. I'm sorry for the method by which you began your journey, but you're safe now."

"I'm safe. Last thing I remember was..."

"Take your shirt off. Look at your body. Not a scratch. Not a mark."

HE DOES JUST THIS AND SEES ALL HIS WOUNDS ARE HEALED.

"Wow", HE CHUCKLES AND SMILES, "I'm really okay."

"Of course you are, but you may want to dress again. We're pretty far up north, it doesn't get as warm as...the other place."

"Oh, yeah...gotcha. But, am I up here by myself? I mean, did I come up here alone? I'm lookin' for...."

"Your friend."

"Uh, yeah, the Boss-Man. Hey, is he here, too? I gotta see him."

"No, Edward, I'm afraid not. If you'll just look down below, there he is."

"NO WAY! He's not..."

"Most assuredly not. It's just not his time yet. He's still on earth. He's going to recover from his wounds and carry on."

"Without me?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"B-but..gosh...look at 'im - he's miserable, he's cryin'. He's talkin' to me and I can't answer him back - I gotta get back to him."

"I'm terribly sorry, Edward, but this is your time."

"What the heck! I'm only 23 years old. I haven't done anything. I'm too young, I can't..."

"Your fate was determined at the time you were put on this earth."

"Aw wait a second there..."

"Edward, please, it's all for the best."

EDDIE LOOKED PANICKY, LIKE HE RAN OUT OF OPTIONS. HE WAS SCARED.

"What the heck am I supposed to do now?"

"Bask in the glory of enternal life."

"Wait, you're not God, are ya?"

"No, no I'm not, I'm merely one of His servants."

"I gotta see Him - you gotta lemme see Him."

"There are so many millions with that request. But you have all the time in the world. You have enternal life now."

THE FIGURE DISAPPEARS, LEAVING EDDIE ALL BY HIMSELF. HE CAN NO LONGER SEE DOWNWARD, BUT STILL SHOUTS DOWN TO MIKE.

"MIKE! Can ya HEAR ME? MIKE! MI-I-IKE!"

HE CRUMBLES TO THE GROUND AND STARTS CRYING.

"I can't do this. I can't go for the rest of my eternal life without ya. Mike!"

HE FEELS A HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.

"Aw, leave me alone, would ya?"

"Eddie - what the heck are ya doin' here?"

HE LOOKS UP AND SEES A FAMILIAR FACE - BOBBY REED. HE STANDS UP AND HUGS HIM.

"Aw, Bobby - thank God. What's goin' on here - do ya know anything?"

"So whatcha do, off yourself or somethin'?"

"No way! Why d'ya say that?"

"Cuz ya ain't s'posed to be up here yet."

"Whatcha talkin' about?"

"I think they grabbed the wrong guy. Look, come with me, let's check the ledger."

"Uh, sure."

"They made me an assistant record keeper, or somethin'. Kinda bums me out a little, no bad guys to track down."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"Now, let's see here - lookin' under the R's..."

HE SEARCHES DOWN A LIST AND LETS OUT A SIGH.

"Aw, holy crap."

"What is it?"

"They DID grab the wrong guy. You ain't due here for 50 years."

"50 YEARS!"

"Yeah, it's a blue-boy named Richardson, clear across the country. He just got shot in the line of duty - he shoulda passed away earlier tonight, but somehow, they got you instead."

"Aw, man, we gotta tell somebody. I - I gotta get outta here, I gotta get back to Mike."

EDDIE AND BOBBY RUN OVER TO TELL THE POWERS THAT BE ABOUT THE MISTAKE, THEN EDDIE STOPS IN HIS TRACKS. BOBBY RUNS A COUPLE OF PACES AHEAD AND STOPS WHEN HE SEES EDDIE STOPPED.

"Eddie, what's the deal?"

"Bobby - I dunno about this. I mean, sure I'd love to get back to life and be with Mike and I know I got snatched up here by mistake, and all, but...there's a cop down there whose life could be saved if I just..."

BOBBY WALKS OVER AND GRABS EDDIE BY THE ARMS, JUST LIKE MIKE ALWAYS HAS -

"Eddie, look, I like havin' ya up here - you're a good guy, and I've always been grateful I was the one chosen to help Mike get ya back from bein' brainwashed and when I gave my life, it was for a good cause. What those guys did to ya was bad, and I'll always be happy I helped in makin' it right - I couldn't ask for anyone cooler to have up here, but it's a mistake. That cop's not lookin' so good - he took a few rounds in the chest - it's the natural order of things. Ya don't wanna spend eternity goin' 'round as somebody else, do ya? I mean, Holy Identity Theft!"

EDDIE REALIZES WHAT BOBBY WAS TALKING ABOUT AND REALIZES HE WAS RIGHT.

"God's callin' Benny Richardson home, and as soon as you get back to Mike, wake up on that floor, and the two of ya recover, and get AJ back just like I got you back, then Benny won't have to suffer anymore. He'll always be remembered as the good guy he was. He'll be missed, but he won't be in pain anymore. Now, come on, let's get this straight."

AND THEY DO - EDDIE IS CATAPULTED BACK DOWN TO EARTH AND BACK TO LIFE. ON THE WAY DOWN, HE MEETS BENNY RICHARDSON ON THE WAY UP. HE STOPS AND SAYS TO HIM, "Richardson, right? The murdered cop?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Enjoy yourself up there, bud, you've earned it."

BACK ON EARTH, IN HIS BODY, STILL SORE FROM HIS SHOOTING, WHILE MIKE IS PONDERING THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITHOUT HIS DEAR SWEET BOY, MIKE HEARS SOME MOANING. EDDIE RESUMES HIS SPOT, JUST WHERE HE LEFT OFF.

"Aw, Boss-Man, how're we gonna get outta this?"

MIKE - Aw, Jesus Murphy - Eddie's back. I grab him and hug and kiss him, "aw, sweetheart - I thought I lost ya - ya just went limp, I thought ya was dead for sure."

"You're movin' a little."

"Yeah, I yanked it out again, I think it's gonna be okay, but first we gotta get ya back on your feet. Here, now, brace yourself."

"Okay"

MIKE - I wanted this thing outta him, I didn't wanna hurt 'im, but the longer that thing stayed in his shoulder, the worse off he'd be.

"All right on three - One, Two, THREE!"

YANK

"AHHH!"

"(exhale) Aw, man, that was brutal - almost as bad as goin' in."

"Yeah, but it'll wear off - I'm feelin' better - not perfect, but better."

EDDIE - I came back from a near-death experience and tried to sit up a little. It was pretty hard - no, NOT THAT, I mean, it was pretty difficult to try to sit up. Mike started walkin' a little - havin' a bad time at it, but fightin' it just the same.

"allright - now that we're gonna live - how the hell do we get outta here?"

NOW THAT EDDIE'S BACK TO LIFE AND OUR HEROES ARE RECOVERING FROM THEIR WOUNDS, AS ALWAYS, HOW ARE THEY GONNA GET OUT OF THIS ROOM? AND HOW ARE THEY GONNA FIND AJ AND BRING HIM BACK TO JAKE? THE ANSWERS WILL AT LEAST START TO BE ANSWERED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

CHAPTER SIXTY-ONE - In the Clearing Stands the Boxer

THIS OPENS UP ON A WARM, PLEASANT EVENING. WE'RE NOW AT THE HOME OF MIDDLE-WEIGHT BOXING CHAMPION AJ BUCKNER, IN TRAINING TO DEFEND HIS LATEST TITLE. HE'S IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS HOME, WORKING OUT WITH HIS PERSONAL TRAINER, JAKE "SUPERFOOT" WALLACE, A FORMER OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNER IN MARTIAL ARTS. AFTER HAVING JOGGED THE USUAL 6 MILES, AJ IS POOPED, OR AT LEAST POOPING OUT, BUT SUPERFOOT WON'T HAVE FATIGUE ON HIS WATCH.

"Hey, listen, champ. Ya like to be called that, dontcha?"

"well, yeah, it is kinda cool."

"If you wanna keep that title of yours, this is what ya gotta do. Your bout is only three weeks away and ya wanna be in tip-top shape for it. How about this - hit the punchin' bag a few times and we'll call it a night, paint the town red, if ya like. It's gorgeous out there."

LOOKING SUPERFOOT UP AND DOWN, AJ PURRS, "Yeah, but not as gorgeous as you." THEY KISS AND THEN AJ GETS ON WITH HIS WORKOUT.

SUPERFOOT COOS IN RESPONSE, "We'll hit the showers - together."

SUDDENLY THERE'S A CRASHING SOUND, COMING FROM UPSTAIRS. THE TWO ARE STARTLED, BUT LEAP INTO ACTION ANYWAY. THEY'RE ABOUT TO GO CHARGING UPSTAIRS WHEN THEY'RE MET HALFWAY IN THE STAIRCASE BY A COUPLE OF GUN-WIELDING HOODLUMS, SCREAMING AT THEM:

"Get back downstairs - hands up! Come on! Move!" AS ONE OF THE HOODLUMS FIRES A FEW SHOTS INTO THE CEILING TO LET THEM KNOW THEY MEAN BUSINESS.

"Next one's going right through your head if ya try anything!"

AJ AND SUPERFOOT KNOW THEY'RE LICKED. THEY PUT THEIR HANDS UP AND SLOWLY WALK BACK DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, WHERE AJ IS GRABBED - HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK. SUPERFOOT WATCHES IN HORROR AT FIRST, THEN BECOMES DETERMINED TO RESCUE HIS PARTNER, CALLING ON HIS SKILLS IN KARATE, HE GRABS A HAND-HOLD ON A WEIGHT BENCH TO SUPPORT HIMSELF AS HE LEAPS UP AND KICKS THE GUN OUT OF ONE OF THE HAND OF ONE OF THE INTRUDERS, PROMPTING THE OTHER INTRUDER TO SHOOT HIM RIGHT IN THE SHIN. HE YELLS AND GOES DOWN, HITTING HIS HEAD ON THE WEIGHT BENCH. AJ SCREAMS HIS NAME, ONLY TO BE PUNCHED IN THE FACE SEVERAL TIMES BY THE GUN-FREE INTRUDER. HE'S THEN KNOCKED DOWN, HIS FEET TIED TOGETHER AS WELL AS HIS HANDS AND HE'S DRAGGED AWAY.

MIKE - God it was beautiful out. Me-n-Eddie had a nice romantic dinner out on the balcony and we had a shower together. Nah, not that we were dirty or nothin', but we just felt like it - that's what two people who love each other do, ya know? Anyways, I was goin' through the mail later on and I see this pamphlet advertisin' a new all-gay art gallery. I call out to Eddie,

"Hey, kiddo, get a load of this."

"What's up, Mike?"

"This art gallery just opened up a few weeks ago - all gay art."

Eddie takes the pamphlet, "mm, this does require some investigation, dontcha think?"

"Oh, yeah, they could be up to somethin' - and so could we, for that matter."

We both have a laugh over the whole thing, and Eddie was real enthused about it,

"hey, an art gallery showin' nothin' but gay paintin's and all - we gotta go!"

And as always, whaddya think happens next? Of course, the doorbell rings. Eddie was standin' up at the time, so he said he'd get it.

"Hey, how can we help you?"

A real good-lookin' jock type comes walkin' in, on crutches, lookin' somber. "Is this Batz & Robinson Private Eyes?"

"Sure is - what can we do for ya?"

"I'm hoping you can do something to find my partner - he was just kidnapped a few hours ago."

"A few hours ago? And you didn't come any sooner?"

"I couldn't. I was in the hospital. They shot me when I was trying to rescue him."

"Aw, geez, I'm sorry. I had no idea. Lemme get my partner."

Eddie was about to go get me from the other room, but I was walkin' in anyway.

"I heard somethin' about a kidnappin'. I'm Detective Batz, this is Detective Robinson."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Jake Wallace, my partner's personal trainer."

"Uh, your partner...."

"He's the guy that got nabbed."

"Oh, uh-huh. Does your partner have a name?"

"I think this should tell you who he is."

Wallace takes a photo out and gives it to us. It's a photo of a kid in a boxin' stance. He's got on a tee-shirt, boxin' trunks, real short ones, too. The kid's got good legs.

"Cute kid - he a boxer or somethin'?"

Eddie's also lookin' at the photo and gasps,

"Holy Field! That looks like AJ Buckner!"

"He is"

"He's been kidnapped? I thought he had a fight comin' up soon!"

"He does, and God willing he'll still be able to make that bout. Detectives, it's really crucial for the two of you to take this case."

"Aw, I get it. Don't want the cops around for fear it gets in the papers, and all that?"

"That's a good point, too, but you see, AJ is my partner."

"You're like his Manager and all, that, don't want the fans to get uptight - I understand - detective client confidentiality."

EDDIE - By the impatient look on Wallace's face, I'd say Mike's barkin' up the wrong tree. I think I know what "partner" means in this case. I nudge Mike,

"uh, I think they're partners, ya know, like me-n-you..."

MIKE - It was a real Edith Bunker moment - the light takes a while to come on over my head.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, I didn't - - oh, so you and the kid are an item? That makes it crucial for us...."

"I've seen the two of you - - in action, shall we say. AJ works out at the same gym as Detective Robinson..."

"Aw, what the heck - call me Eddie."

"Thank you...Eddie. Anyway, I've seen you working out from a distance as AJ and I are doing the same and when I saw you, Detective..."

"Please...it's Mike."

Thank you...Mike...so when I saw you two kissing a couple of times and I was relieved. I mean, if two crimefighters can be lovers, then what's the big deal with a boxer and his trainer. Not that the papers would understand this, mind you..."

"AH-HAH! AH-HAH! So it IS a matter of publicity - good point my ass - why didn't you just come out and say it?"

"I thought it was kinda selfish, I..."

"Hey, look, it's no big deal, we get it. Me-n-Eddie gotta watch it sometimes, too, 'cuz ya never know when some homophobe's gonna come in - it could mean the loss of business for us, ain't that right, Eddie!"

No answer.

"Hey, Eddie..."

I look to see him starin' at Buckner's picture. I hand him a handkerchief.

"Hey, kid, wipe your mouth off, you're droolin'."

Eddie's in a daze - but who could blame 'im? That is a pretty cute kid there.

"Huh?"

"Eddie, it's a photo - starin' at it ain't gonna make it move."

"Oh, sorry."

"Not a problem, Eddie - AJ gets looked at all the time. Chicks are always writing to him with marriage proposals."

"Holy irony."

"So I write back something like 'thank you, I'm flattered and all, but I'm really devoted to my sport' and on and on. Uh, 'the boxing ring is the only ring I'm wearing these days', stuff like that."

Eddie chimes in, "Sincerely yours, AJ Buckner?"

"Kind of. He does send an autographed photo, though."

"Wow, you think I could meet him sometime?"

"Aw, holy crap - Eddie, we're gonna find the kid - I think meetin' him kinda goes without sayin'."

Gettin' wind of what he just said, Eddie blushes, "Gosh, that was pretty dumb of me, I'm sorry. I'm just a fan of his."

"Oh, you like boxing?"

"Not overall - I just like watchin' 'im in that outfit."

I slap my forehead and shake my head in exasperation, Wallace just laughs. But what the heck - it's a light moment there - somethin' the poor guy needs right now.

"Mr. Wallace..."

"Please - call me Jake"

"Thanks...Jake...anyway, Jake, we'll be more than happy to take the case on, just gotta ask ya a few things about how AJ kinda lives his life, ya know?"

"Such as...."

"Ya mentioned the gym, ya know of any other hang-outs of his?"

"Frankly, since we became lovers, we usually do everything together."

"Okay - where do you both hang out - besides and includin' the gym?"

"We go to movies, go shopping, art galleries, other things."

Me-n-Eddie froze in our tracks. We strike our usual ponderin' pose - Eddie wringin' his fist in his hand, body all tense as he leans into me, his tee-short sleeved arm rubbin' up against mine, lookin' back and forth between me and Wallace. I cross one arm over to the other and put the other hand up to my chin, pursin' my lips, squintin'. It's our hero thing.

"Gosh, Boss-Man - the pamphlet."

"Good call, boy, go and get it, would ya?"

"Right as rain."

Eddie runs and gets the pamphlet advertisin' that new gallery. My sidekick hands me the pamphlet and I read from it as I ask Wallace, "you guys ever been to the....R-O-X-O-V Gallery of Gay Erotic Art?"

"Ah, yes, that's pronounced Rocks-Off - it's a pun - since they deal in art, I guess they needed a really pretentious sounding name."

"Uh-huh - but have you guys ever been there?"

"Oh, yes, quite frequently."

"What kinda stuff they have there? Ya know, paintin's, pics, and ev'rything else?"

"As a matter of fact, they do have all that there - even sculptures and videos."

"Uh-huh."

"Last time we were there, we saw a blurb about a new exhibit that's in the planning stages, some new photo and video thing. (heh-heh) The curator was telling us about it and said he'd like to get AJ in on it if he would. I told him his offer was very generous, but AJ's gotta stay in shape for the bout - he's defending his title and I didn't want him to get distracted."

"Jake, I think we may or may not have a lead."

"Already?"

"Yeah, from what you're tellin' us, I'm startin' to get some ideas."

"I get ya, Boss-Man! To the Roxov Gallery!"

"Like right now - let's go!"

Jake pipes in, "I'm coming with you."

"No way! First of all, you're hurt enough, ya gotta take care of that leg. Second, if this is the place that took AJ, ya better stay outta sight, let 'em think you're still laid up. We'll keep ya posted on ev'rything. Come on, Eddie, let's go!"

MIKE - we arrive at the Roxov Gallery - funny thing - it's wide open, yet there's nobody around. You should see this place - pics of all the homoeroticism ya can imagine - all the positions on display here, some guys into masks and stuff like that - leather, bears, gym nuts - it's got ev'rything. Eddie looks around and stumbles upon somethin' that doesn't please him very well.

"Holy blasphemy, Boss-Man! Did you see this?"

THIS is a series of drawings and photos of two guys dressed like Batman and Robin - doin' it! I put my hand on his shoulder and try to calm him down.

"Aw, don't let it getcha, kid - it's just somebody's idea of art, that's all."

"Holy Mapplethorpe - it's just like when they burn the American Flag."

"Now, wait a second there, kid. I know ya got the Boy Wonder on the brain and all, but guess what, you're a gay crimefighter, ya do it with me."

"But that's different - me-n-you ain't American icons. I'm sure Bob Kane is just rollin' over in his grave."

A voice calls out to us, "can I help you gentlemen?"

We turn around and see who could be the curator. "Uh, yes, we heard about this place and thought we'd have a look around."

"You have to come back later - we're not officially opened for the day."

"Yeah? Then why was the door unlocked and all the lights on?"

This guy was startin' to get a little jittery.

"Uh, well, I..uh...we're preparing for the day - a couple of crew men had to step out for a few minutes and I just left the door unlocked, but you two will have to come back when we open in an hour."

Eddie's not buyin' this either, "holy pacific time. The sign says you're open at 6:00 and it's after that, accordin' to my watch."

"Lemme cut right to the chase - this was one of the last stops made by AJ Buckner before he disappeared. Whaddya know about it?"

"Uh, who's AJ Buckner?"

"You know, the cute middleweight - he and a friend of his were in here very recently, and now he's nowhere to be found - do ya know anything about it?"

"I have no idea....oh, thank heavens, the men on my crew."

Me-n-Eddie turn around and see two burly beefy guys - usually they'd turn us on, but not this time.

"Are these two guys causin' a problem?"

"They keep asking about some boxer named AJ something or other. I keep telling them I have no idea."

"Don't you worry - we'll see these guys out and be careful to not let the door hit them on the ass."

They take hold of us, but we break loose and start chargin' at 'em.

"Hey, mack, that's a fightin' gesture where we come from. Let's give 'em what for, Kiddo!"

"Right, Boss-Man!"

Flyin' fists - a right jab here, a karate kick there. Me-n-Eddie are slaughterin' 'em, we're doin' real good. In hindsight, I gotta say somethin' not so good was goin' on, too. We were so busy fendin' off these goons, we took our focus off the Curator. We knock the goons on their ass, then turn right back around and confront the Curator, heh-heh, still not gettin' this one's name, but we were gonna find out soon enough.

Me-n-Eddie approach this guy like we're gonna surround him. He sees us in action, so he doesn't dare mess with us.

"All right you, looks like we gotcha. Whaddya know about AJ Buckner?"

"All right, all right, I'll tell you everything, but be advised, it looks as if I got YOU!"

Two guns come out faster than we saw, next thing we knew he's got 'em on us. We're both freaked out, lookin' at each other, what do we do next?

"How'd you get those out so fast?"

"Simple. They're lodged inside my sleeve. All I had to do was just flick my arms a little and they came sliding out right into my hands. These little beauties are an invention of mine, called 'Object D'arts!' Get it?"

Boy did we get it - right in the arm - Eddie first - I hear the sickenin' sounds of the dart flyin' past me as it slam into him, he gets winded, goes back a little, grabbin' his arm, his face contorted in agony, clenchin' his teeth almost to the point of gnashin' 'em - tryin' to catch his breath, "I've been...DRUGGED!" and he falls over.

I get it next - BOY does it sting like a mother...I act fast - stiffenin' my legs so they don't buckle, shakin', catchin' my breath, too - I grab my arm in pain, too - right below the dart - I slide my hand up and manage to grab ahold of it -
Eddie, still conscious, still able to talk, manages to say "don't let it getcha, Boss-Man, fight it" - I got it! I yank it out before it does any damage, then I throw it on the floor, still holdin' my arm 'cuz it's bleedin' a little - I'm still standin' - Eddie says, "Gosh - ya did it!" I sneer at our nemesis, "object d'arts, huh? Heh-heh, pretty clever, pretty...."

Then I don't feel so good, my legs start turnin' to jello, my hand falls down to my side, I go limp and fall right to the ground, can't move, I can only mutter, "what's...in these...things?"

"So happy you asked. It's a combination of sodium pentathol, and those other subtances which are now used to execute death row prisoners."

Eddie, who still has the dart in him, still clutchin' his wound, manages to prop himself up and whinces, "holy lethal...INJECTION!". The Curator shouts at him to get back down, steps right on his wound, pushin' the dart in even further, pushin' Eddie back down. Eddie lets out a few screams and says to me, "he pushed it...in...FURTHER!"

"Ya didn't hurt 'im...bad enough?"

"Frankly - no." The curator picks up the dart I threw on the floor, re-loads his gun, takes aim, fires, hittin' me more or less at the same spot. He does the same thing - grabs a hold of it and pushes it in further himself.

"There now - I see we should've used the industrial strength on you two. Be that as it may, we're going to stash you in the back room, let you die in peace. You should be gone in a matter of minutes, but we have to make a pit stop. We have a photo session with a certain middleweight boxing champ."

"So - - I was - - right. You do - - have him."

"For as long as we please, and to do with exactly as we please. Oh, do give our best to that little trainer of his when you get to the afterlife, would you? When we took off with his little AJ, we forgot to properly say ta-ta!"

The goons pick us up and carry us to a back room, where we're thrown on the floor, and the door is locked. Eddie's lyin' a few feet away from me and pushes himself over to me, "Boss-Man - - are ya - - still alive?"

"Damn right - - kiddo. How - - ya doin'!"

Eddie pants a few times, closes his mouth for a second to swallow, then begins pantin' again. "Holy twist of - - fate. Two - - crimefighters - - gettin' the needle. OW!"

"Don't - - try to move, kid. I think yer - - aggervatin' the wound."

"So we're just - - gonna lie here?"

"I don't - - know - - what choice we have."

"We gotta get - - AAH! AAAH!"

Then he goes limp, his arms fall at his side, legs fall down, too. His eyes and mouth close. I try to move again, yank this thing outta my arm again, I try to get 'im goin' again, shoutin' his name over and over again.

"Eddie! Eddie! Wake up! Come on, kid, don't go under! Don't do this to me! Eddie! Aw, for Pete's sake...EDDIE!"

I hold his hand - it's cold. My arms are killin' me, they weigh about 50 pounds a piece, but still, I hold him. I start sobbin' like a baby. I don't wanna let go. This is it, folks. After all we been through together, ev'rything. All of these memories start floodin' outta me mixed in with tears. I grab his lifeless body and hug 'im even tighter - as tight as I could. My boy was gone. I bury his face in my chest and sob even heavier. "Oh, God, why'd ya take my sweet boy away from me? What the hell I ever do to YOU, huh? I just got two words for ya, FUCK YOU, ya hear me? FUCK YOU!"