CHAPTER SEVENTY-EIGHT - Malicious Minionettes and Blood Brothers

WHEN WE LEFT OUR HEROES, THEY WERE PARALYZED BY POISON DARTS, ROPED AND TIED, AND HAULED OFF INTO A TORTURE CHAMBER TO FACE THEIR GRISLY END, BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS - UNTIL NOW

MIKE - Jesus Murphy - imagine that, me-n-Eddie, two real powerful law-enforcin', bad-guy-bustin' hero types, bein' hauled off into some broom closet by two dykes from Europe. We're spread out on what looks like a conveyor belt of sorts - I'm stretched out in a way that I'm facin' away from Eddie, but I smell his hair - I took a little comfort in that - at least if we're on the way out, no matter how painful, he's goin' with me. But it looks like he's goin' first.

EDDIE - After we're laid out on some conveyor belt, our nemesis walks in

"Hello, boys, I thought you'd like to know the dire, painful fate in store for you."

"Sure", Mike grumbles, "when I'm dead and St. Peter asks me how I got up there, I'd like to know what to tell 'im."

"Well I'll be more than happy to fill you in. Your young protege is going to be the first to suffer this fate - perhaps his screams for mercy can be of some indication."

"Not very likely", I say "I wouldn't give a dirt-bag like you the satisfaction."

"Don't speak too soon, Detective, boys such as you are known to eat their words at some point - that is, if you're not all eaten up first."

"Would ya just cut to the chase?"

"You're strapped to a conveyor belt which will send you right into the jaws of a giant paper shredder. The youngster's going to feel everything first - his feet, his legs, his package all slowly sliced and diced. It's going to be a long, hard agonizing demise for the two of you, especially you, Detective Batz, for you're not only going to get it, too, but you'll see your little Boy Friday's blood and guts just go flying all over this room, and there'll be nothing you can do about it."

MIKE - Knowing now that Eddie's gonna get it first, and tryin' to think of a way outta this, I tell him, "Just hang on, Kiddo - one way or another, this'll be over soon"

The dirt-bag yells at one of the minionettes to flip the switch and we're on our way. They take off, too, sayin' "I'd love to stay and chat, but we have several hostile takeovers to plan, and with you two out of the way, it'll be a breeze. You guys have a great day, okay? Okay, tha-a-a-a-a-a-nks."

The switch is flipped and we inch closer and closer to those blades. Suddenly, I feel movement coming back - the drug was wearing off and I say to Eddie, "hey, kiddo, can ya move at all?"

Turns out he was gaining his movement back, too.

"Yeah, Boss-Man, I'm trying to loosen these bonds somehow."

EDDIE - The two of us gave sruggle to these ropes, and as I pushed and pulled, I was kinda lifted off the conveyor for a second, or at least felt like I had been. I noticed something. Sure, our hands and feet were bound, but I don't think we were strapped to this gizmo all the way.

"Hey, Mike, I don't think we're tied all the way to this thing. Maybe we can just roll off - it's not that much of a fall."

"Ya know, I noticed the same thing. Let's roll."

We threw ourselves off and landed on the floor, now able to move, we untied each other, and noticed the extra ropes intended to hold us down on the belt must've come loose. We undid each other's bonds, rubbed our wrists for rope burns and all.

"Gosh, Mike, it sure was a good thing those other ropes came loose."

"If they were ever secured in the first place."

"I don't getcha"

"Let's look underneath. Ah, interesting. I get the feeling they only tried to make it seem as if we were being strapped down. We felt them pull tighter on them, but it seemed to come loose too easily. Look, there's no indentation on these rope ends - that suggests they were purposely not tied together strongly enough to hold us."

"Gosh, Boss, ya think they wanted us to break out?"

"I don't know if they were thinking of us, but maybe they wanted to get caught, that they wanted us to live so we'd go after them, at least the two dames."

"Wow, as if by being apprehended, they'd get away from this guy."

"Exactly."

"But, gosh...something doesn't make sense. When I was shot and kicked, my assailant said she loved torturing big, bad cops, like she's not able to do back home, or something to that effect. Why would they take pleasure in hurting and trying to kill us, and then do something to spare our lives?"

"Ya know, it's tempting to just write this off as a piece of good luck for us, but it doesn't seem that simple. I'm even more puzzled by this than anything else in this case."

"Maybe it's a trick - they could be planning something much more sinister for us."

"I know where you're coming from, but something still tells me this was a cry for help. I know what Miranda did to you, but I was staring right into Natasha's eyes as she shot me and tied me up. She did do all that, but there was something in the way she was looking at me - I always stare right at my opponents when they torment and try to murder me - and in her, I caught a little sadness in her eyes."

"You wanna hear something funny? It would've made a lot more sense if I was all chopped up - after being drugged and kicked and all, but for them to make it easy for us to break out. I'm grateful I wasn't turned into confetti, but now I'm totally baffled."

"That's the problem with these dizzy dames - they never know what the hell they want, but it's always too much - but we gotta get movin' - I wanna find out about this hostile take-over this dirt-bag alluded to before he left us to die."

"Gotcha!"

We leave the torture chamber and make our way slowly and deliberately throughout this cat's hideout. They might've anticipated our escape and had a plan B in store for us - bullets, arrows, gas - you name it - I wouldn't put anything past these people.

EDDIE - We check the whole place and found nothing - their car was gone - they must've gone on to this so-called hostile takeover, whatever it was at the time. Mike was frustrated.

"Well, there's nothing for us here - might as well go back to HQ and mull this over"

At the same time, I was still looking around, there must be some kind of lead, which is typical for the average villain. There's always a slip-up somewhere - either because the bad guys are never as smart as we are, or they wanna get caught. I thank God every day I'm one of the good guys - life's a heck of a lot simpler when you're good. I saw some bits of paper on the guy's desk - I thought I'd take a look at them for the heck of it. What I read didn't make much sense to me. One of his notes read "pig farm - slaughterhouse".

"Hey, Boss-Man, can ya make anything outta this?"

"Let's see here - pig farm slaughterhouse - nope, can't say that I can"

Then it dawns on me - "I got it! We bugged the place when we first came in, right? Maybe he talked about it after he left us!"

"And it could all be on tape!"

He grabs my arms and gives me a jubilant kiss, "GOOD THINKING, Boy! Let's go off and NAIL this bastard!"

We listen to the tapes - first, of course, we heard our initial confrontation followed by our shooting, and then we struck pay dirt!

"Now that those two rug rats in there are out of the way, let's wipe out some more law enforcement meddlers - this is a pretty small town, not much of a police force - if we wipe all of them out, and we will, there'll be nothing to stop us from taking over this dingy little burg."

I gasp in horror and me-n-Mike speed off to the police department, but let the tapes roll. The voice of one of the minionettes appears.

"Why kill them off right away? We could storm the pig farm, hold them hostage and demand a ransom - then slaughter them all anyway even after our demands are met."

"Why, Miranda, you deserve a big fat promotion for this!"

I start shaking, this left me so cold. "Holy horrors, Boss-Man - we've just GOT to smash this scheme."

"Oh, we will, Eddie, we will. Remember we always get our man - no matter what!"

MIKE - We raced to the station but we thought we were too late when we arrived - the desk sergeant wasn't at his desk - we looked around and discovered the guy was bound and gagged, but thankfully otherwise unharmed.

We undo his bonds and check on his well-being.

"Oh, thank goodness you two showed up."

"Did ya see where they went?"

"I'm not sure - they struck me in the back of the head, tied me up and shoved me behind - where you found me."

"Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine, but please go get 'em before they attack anyone else."

"That's why we were put on this Earth, sir. To the main lobby, Eddie!"

We peruse the station, to see what other sort of damage was done in his wake. Suddenly we spot them, about 10 to 20 feet ahead - "oh, holy mother of Christ, don't let me be too late - let me get these mugs", I prayed.

We follow 'em to the squad room and the scumbag was brandishing what looked like a smoke-bomb.

"Good afternoon, mindless minions and maurauders. I am holding a lethal smoke-bomb in my hands and you're all my captives. If our demands are not met, my girls will take a letter."

"Holy crap - not the crossbows again!"

That was when we leapt into action. I punch this maggott right in the back of the head and me-n-Eddie jump all over him like white on rice. Strange thing happened, though - Natasha, I think it was, the nice one, suddenly gave her weapon over and ran to the first cop she spotted and gave herself up, almost begging for her life.

"Good girl", I whispered, as we were trashing her little former ringleader.

EDDIE - Me-n-Mike subdued and cuffed the suspect and I was about to go into my next plan of action, seeing to the well-being of the once-future, now former hostages, when I heard a cop yell, "Detective! Watch Out!"

I spinned around, "huh?", then spotted Miranda about to fire on me again.

"Oh my gosh, no!"

She fired all right - but I was spared another wounding by the brave cop who pushed me out of the way, threw himself into the line of fire and was hit with the arrow instead. He went down screaming. Miranda gloated, "Ha! I didn't get the one I wanted, but you'll do just fine.." and looked out at all the terrified faces and snarled, "as will all of you", then......


BAM - like a quarterback, I tackled her from the side, knocking her to the ground.

"Ha! Big strong bully cop likes to beat up a lady, yes?", she grinned.

"I got news for ya, toots - biology aside, you are no lady", I snarled as I was pounding her weapon on the floor, trying to loosen her grip. I knock it out - it goes flying several feet - she starts to try breaking loose to go get it, but I slap on the cuffs - I was way too fast for her. I went and got the weapon myself, as it should be. I put on my gloves, pick up the weapon and turn it over to the cops, "Exhibit A, guys!"

Imagine that, this all unfolded in the most perfect place possible - it's as if some fetishist were writing all of this in a blog, or something - but, anyway, I run over to the wounded officer, who was shaking and moaning.

"You gotta get this outta me - it's killing me - I can't move a muscle."

"You gotta relax, pal. It's just a temporary drug - it'll wear off before you can say Eddie Robinson."

"How do you know?"

"The two of us were hit with these just a couple of hours ago - it wore off in about 10 minutes."

"No foolin'?"

"Yeah", I said as I gently extracted the arrow from his left arm, "here - gimme your belt - I need to do a torniquet! There now, just relax and just let the effect wear off naturally - it's all you can do, pal."

I tried to make the cop as comfortable as I could, then ran off to see what else needed tending to.

MIKE - I picked up this dirt-bag and Eddie grabbed his remaining minionette and we called the D.A. in to see about Natasha. When he arrived, I said she turned herself in and volunteered to open her yap about her fellow bad-guys and turn state's evidence.

"You guys are gonna go easy on this one, right?"

"It's hard to say - I'll certainly recommend the most lenient sentence, based on the facts. Understand, the charges against her for aiding and abetting assault with deadly weapons and kidnapping does disqualify her from immunity, but the court will take her full cooperation into consideration. Every case varies, so we'll just have to run it up the flagpole."

"Mm-hmm, gotcha! Thanks, mac."

Then the wounded cop comes up to us, holdin' his arm.

"Hey, Detective Robinson - you were right - I just got the use of my legs back."

"Aw, thank God - are ya still in any pain?"

"Nah, just my arm stingin' a little, but it'll be okay. Hey, thanks - you saved my life."

"Are you kiddin' - you saved mine first - I thank you!"

"I was just doin' my job."

"Nah, don't gimme that. A ditch-digger is just doin' his job - what you did was act when you saw a fellow law enforcement officer was in peril and you put your life on the line to save his. You're a gosh-darned hero."

The cop smiled at that and thanked me, then said, "You're such a great guy - just as cool as I heard you were. I'd offer my hand to shake, but I'm afraid it's got blood on it."

I thought fast on my feet, saw a thumbtack and pricked the palm of my hand.

"Put it right there, pal - blood brothers."


EPILOGUE - The trial didn't take very long - the jury didn't even have to deliberate for very long - 25 years for Chris Spencer as well as for his other identity - that of former police candidate Brian Cook. Eddie was very nonplussed to discover this - how could a cop go bad? Poor boy just never seemed to grasp the idea, and still can't, bless his heart. For that is a very rare occurrence, and we all should be shocked and appalled at such a development. The worst thing anyone can do is become complacent, to "get used to it" as people like to scream at others.

Miranda also got 25 years, but Natasha was the one who made out the easiest - a 5-year suspended sentence as well as probation, for turning state's evidence. She has to report to a probation officer every week. I've kept track of her progress and she's doing very well. She's young yet, so these 5 years won't take much out of her life, providing she turns it around and does something good with it. Spencer / Cook was about to be transferred to a maximum security state pen, but before he was, he wanted to talk to me-n-Eddie. I didn't think it was such a hot idea at first, but Eddie thought if we spoke to him privately, we could get down to what was really behind his crimes. I then relented and agreed. A guard accompanied us, although the two of us were strong enough to subdue him if he were to pull any actions untoward.

"Good afternoon, Detectives, I'm glad you could come and see me."

"What's this all about?"

"I just wanted to apologize - I never did get a chance to in court. My attorney advised me to just stay silent, to not even testify on my own behalf. I guess I just wanted you both to know where I was coming from."

Eddie asked, "which was where...?"

"As you heard, I once had aspirations of joining the police force in my hometown. My father owned a business and I was his only son, so he wanted me, of course, to carry on the tradition. I was in my first few weeks as a rookie, and I loved every minute of it. Even if nothing happened on patrol, at least there'd be the comraderie. I really hated having to leave the force, to join the business, but I had to."

"Was your dad sick or something?"

"No, I think I was. He was so against my being a police officer that he threatened to cut me out of his will if I went against him. So, I dropped out and went to work for him. Within a year's time, the business went belly-up and my father embezzled pension funds from all the employees. They were left with nothing - not even receiving a severance package because there was no money left. Dad cut me out, anyway, regardless of what I did, so I was left with absolutely nothing. All I wanted to do was to please my dad - make him proud of me, but no matter what I did, he never would be."

EDDIE - I took all that in, breathed a heavy sigh. His story was a real revelation, but I still wanted to know, "why do you hate law enforcement officers so much? Shooting that security guard, attempting to seize and hold the Police Department hostage, shooting me-n-my partner?"

"It's that old story when you can't have something you want, you deny you ever wanted it when you have to settle for second best. I guess I just went to far to the extreme."

"Aw, that's such bull-crap - that is no excuse to inflict harm on others who've done nothing to you. you could've re-joined the force at any time after you lost your job - you had nothing to lose - you would've been welcomed back with open arms. You're nothing but a greedy, self-important, black-hearted man who only wanted to see other people suffer for your own sick self-interest. You on the police department - don't make me laugh..."

MIKE - Eddie was pretty pissed-off at this guy. I saw him just about to lunge over at him.

"...why, I oughta tear you apart..."

And he did - our suspect jumped back when he saw Eddie pound the table and jump over at him. I grabbed Eddie just in time, I even held him back as he struggled to get out of my grip, but I had to hold on tight, for all of our sakes, especially Eddie's.

"YOU let me go - I wanna have it OUT with this animal!"

"Eddie, Eddie, please settle down - we caught him, he's being punished, he's serving his time, he realize what he did was wrong. Now, please, Eddie - I don't want you to do something you'll regret later."

I turned to our now-convicted nemesis, "As for you, my partner is correct, that really was no excuse for the crimes you committed."

Shaken and somewhat teary-eyed, he said, "but it is true - and I am sorry."

Eddie still wasn't buying it - "You're only sorry 'cuz you got caught. I'm outta here, Mike, I'll meet you outside."

He left and all I really had to say to this guy was, "well - apology accepted, but not necessary. You did endanger the lives of four law enforcement officers, but law and order caught up with you and now you're goin' up the river. So, we're even. Oh, and, when you do get tossed in the clink, I'd keep your ex-cop tale under your hat. Nothin' makes a better prison bitch than a cop-gone-bad."

I saluted him and said, "see ya round."

Then I had Eddie to deal with. I didn't know what I was gonna do - I ver rarely see him this angry and damn-near murderous. I found him outside, leaning up against the car, one arm folded, his face buried in his other hand. I put my hands on his shoulders.

"Hey, kiddo. You're gonna be okay."

He put his hand down and revealed wet, bloodshot eyes. Poor kid was cryin'.

"Gosh, Mike, I don't know what came over me in there."

"Oh, I do. The guy tried to kill your brothers in there, and nothin' gets to you more than when a member of your own family is harmed in any way."

Wiping his tears up, "it's more than that, I think. Maybe I saw someone who had a real choice to stay on the force and I wasn't, and..."

"Eddie - is that a jealous heart I hear inside you?"

"He could've gone back and he didn't, and...."

He put his head on my shoulder and I patted the back of his head, "I gotcha. It brought back all that crap from the Academy. I know. "

"I don't get it - why am I not over it yet?"

"I'm afraid when we suffer a loss, we never quite get over it. It stays with us whether we realize it or not. None of us wants it to, but it does re-surface here and there."

"But I love my life exactly the way it is now, I've got everything I've ever wanted in life."

"Even so, the pain of rejection will always live inside us. The question is what're ya gonna do about it. You've done great with it so far. You got a second chance and you decided you were gonna be the best crimefighter you knew how, and you are. You're amazing. Eddie, look at me."

"I've worked with some people back then that weren't up to much and those memories still get to me, but then, I see a guy like you. You're warm, loving, giving, loyal, ya got a good head on your shoulders, you'll suffer any blows to avenge a crime. You take that inner pain and you make good with it. I'm so proud of you. I love you."

I tenderly wipe the last remaining tears on his face. "Your face is too beautiful to be stained with red eyes and tears, huh? I love your smile. Come on, let's see them pearly whites."

He laughs and that gorgeous smile comes out, he seems happier.

"There, now, that's the boy I fell in love with."

We embrace and kiss - we got a beautiful day ahead of us - just the two of us.

CHAPTER SEVENTY-SEVEN "The Yuppie"

MIKE - We had this real strange case over the last couple of days - me-n-Eddie, that is. It seems there was a rash of bank robberies - nobody hurt, no hostages or anything, but it was a real strange bunch that left ya wantin' a shower after they were gone.

The cops were called and they called us. We showed up at one of them First National Banks - hell, they got them all over the place. First National Bank of this, that and the other thing. Anyhay, we get over there and two blue-boys are tellin' us what they heard just went down.

"Hey, there, whatcha knowin'?"

The cop was a pretty young rookie - now, I mean he was kinda young, sorta young, not pretty in that sense - although he was real good lookin'. Dark brown hair parted on the left side, face shaved cleaner than a baby's butt. He took down the facts from one of the tellers and was lettin' me in on the gist of ths situation.

"The blonde over at window 10 - she's the one he got. Said he walked up with these two chicks and he handed her a note. Then the two chicks started wavin' their guns around, yellin' at 'em all to get their hands up. Security over there pushed the silent alarm button, but he got caught, I'm afraid he caught a bad piece of lead, too."

"Uh-huh - okay, then, thanks for the info..."

"Boy I wish I was here earlier, they wouldn't have gotten away with anything. Me and my partner woulda nailed them right on the spot."

"Well, there is surveillance video and we got witnesses here and all that. What can ya do - you guys were out on patrol - that's a badge on your chest, not a crystal ball. What counts is you were here to comfort these people, checkin' on their well-bein' and all - but this dirt-bag is gonna be caught, you can make book on that. Anyways - Eddie, I'll go check out what the Teller's tellin', you get the story from security - and we'll let the blue-boys back on the streets."

"Gotcha, Boss-Man!"

EDDIE - I was to interview the Security Guard who was leanin' up against the wall, grimacin', holdin' his hand.

"Hey, pal, Eddie Robinson here."

"Oh, yeah, how are ya? I'd shake your hand, but I got a bullet in it."

"So I see - Paramedics should be on the way."

"Oh, God I hope so - man, this thing's burnin' up in me. Whole thing just happened about 10 minutes ago. We just opened up, and this guy walks in with these two girls, all dressed to the nines - I'm thinkin' 'holy Tony Orlando and Dawn', ya know!"

"Oh, it was a Mexican guy and two black chicks?"

"Well, no, but it was a guy with two babes walkin' in, and I couldn't think of anyone else to compare 'em to."

"Describe them"

"The guy was wearin' a three-piece pinstripe suit, had slicked-back hair, and the two chicks had these nice lookin' dress suits, I guess ya call them. Anyways, I'm scopin' out the threads 'cuz I'd like to get a suit like that, but I don't know - on my salary that is, but I'm lookin' and I see him hand the teller a note. She gets a little nervous and starts emptyin' out her cash drawer, then the two chicks take out these guns. I figure I gotta do somethin', so I was watchin' them - hopin' they wouldn't see me press the silent alarm over there. I kinda moved a little slow, ya know, sidesteppin'. I'd press the button, then take out my piece, but just before I let go of the button, the chick makes me and I get kinda nervous and then BAM! Right in the hand. She barks at me to put my hands up, blood runnin' down my arm. I'm like 'please, I'm bleedin' and she cocks the gun again and aims right at my chest. Then the guy yells out they gotta get goin', so they take off - that's when the cops came, and I guess they called you guys. Man, I hope my hand's okay - the short-term disability doesn't pay out much - I can't afford to be off the job very long."

I try to comfort the guy, sayin' that if this place is worth its salt, they'll make note of his bravery, and takin' one for the team.

"I can't get over it - how's a guy who can get these really great threads out robbin' banks?"

"Well", I chuckle, "if he's wearin' those kinda threads, he must be a heck of a bank robber, but not for long - as long as me and my Boss-Man are on the case - we'll put this guy outta business toot sweet."

The guard felt another stinging jab, "aw, holy carpal tunnel - I gotta get this outta me."

That's when the paramedics came in and treated him. I give 'im my card, sayin' if he remembers anything else, to just give us a call. Mike comes up to us, sayin' he's gonna get the surveillance tapes so we can look 'em over. I salute the guard, tellin' him "good goin'" and we're off, but not before Mike stops in the middle of the lobby to put the crowd at ease.

MIKE - Aw, Jesus Murphy, these people were all shook up, but we got what we need so far to start this investigation off and I just stop to tell 'em this:

"All right, folks, we got the situation under control, based on what witnesses tell us, we got the tapes, so just relax and go about your business - Batz & Robinson always get their man. Let's go, Eddie."

"Roger" and we were off.


"Excuse me - Detectives?"

I turn and quickly doff my hat and Eddie puts his hands behind his back and nods.

"Ma'am?"

"I don't mean to trouble you, but I've just finally remembered the robber's license plate number."

"Good JOB, lady."

"I wrote it down this time so I don't forget it again. It was a nice looking car, too, I was admiring it - he was parking when I was just a few doors from here. Funny, it's strange how I forgot a plate this easy to memorize. I kept trying to remember if it was "I'm a god" or "I am God" - silly me, transposing the m and a like that."

Eddie bristles as his fist hits his hand, "Gosh! Either a total narcissist or a blasphemer! Oh, you were right, Boss-Man, this guy sounds like a total loose cannon!"

"Did you get the make of the car at least!"

"Oh, who on earth could miss a Mini!"

Eddie says, "A mini what?"

"That's an English make of automobile. My parents were from the United Kingdom, you see, and while I don't have the accent, I'm very familiar with all things English."

"Yes, ma'am"

"Anyway, he was very nattily dressed with these two ladies at his side. At first I thought he was being a very naughty boy."

"He certainly was, ma'am - disrupting business, impeding the well-being of customers and staff, wounding a security guard."

She giggles, "oh, I meant being naughty with those two ladies. If you wish to call them that, certainly."

She then leans over and winks, " 'nuff said".

I doff my hat once more, "yes, ma'am - quite enough said. But, thank you for your information. You've been an invaluable help today. So, Eddie - looks like we got some tapes to watch and some plates to trace - ready to bust another one?"

"Yes SIR, Boss-Man!" He starts to run for the door when he forgets himself, and stops to tip his baseball cap to the lady, "oh...ma'am".

I hear the lady say to no one in particular, "oh, isn't that sweet? Father and son detectives."

Eddie hears it too and laughs when we're out of ear-shot. "Well, SUIT-DADDY probably."

Laughingly, I go into my Robert Young, "You did a fine job this morning, SON! A fine job indeed. I'm very proud of you!"

"Gosh - you think mom's got some milk and cookies waiting for us?"

"We put this dirt-bag away and you got somethin' a whole lot sweeter comin' to ya!"

Eddie grins and purrs suggestively, "oooh, yeah - how's about a little appetizer to tide me over."

"We-e-e-ell, okay - but only one - we don't wanna spoil your appetite."

"Daddy, I'm a growin' boy - I need all the nourishment I can get."

I look down at his tight blue-jeaned package. Then his wide leather belt with two rows of buckle loops which ropes around his shiny, baby-blue polo shirt, lookin' and smellin' like it just popped off the rack and onto my boy's six-pack abs. I put my hands on his upper arms and held him while we kissed - gently, softly, but passionately.

EDDIE - When my lips are on Mike's, I just feel like all the love in the world is holding me in its arms. Nothing feels sweeter, warmer, safer or more beautiful. I love the feel of his teeth as they gently nibble at my lower lip. I do the same for him. I'd do anything for him.

MIKE - I move one of my hands up to the back of his head, slowly stroking his shiny, smooth, silky hair. "Oh, God, your hair smells so beautiful - it looks so beautiful, just like the rest of ya."

EDDIE - We finish kissing, then we gaze into each other's eyes: mine - all wide and innocent and eager to learn; his - all knowing, all loving, all soothing. He smiles at me, "come on, Kiddo, we got a bad-guy to bust."

"Let's get 'em!"

Meanwhile, back at HQ - me-n-Eddie are lookin' over the surveillance tapes and we took both license plate numbers - that dizzy Dingle dame back at the S & L couldn't remember which was which, so we did both. Eddie gets on the horn to the cops and gives a more accurate description of the perp, based on the tapes, tells 'em that this guy may not yet be through for the day, that it might be a good idea to keep a squad car in the parking lot of every bank in the area. In the meantime, we got this guy's name, Chris Spencer, and his address, so we're gonna stake out his place at the same time.

"Chris Spencer, eh?", chortles Eddie, "typical yuppie name if I ever heard one. I wonder if they change their name when they get these jobs, just like actors, ya know?"

A flash of lightning just went out over my head, "Of course - bein' a bad guy, he must go around with different aliases. Good thinking, Eddie!"

Eddie just smiled and said, "awwww".

And we check the VIN on his car as well as his social security number, just to be sure, and sure enough a whole list full of names. I won't go into all that here, for the moment, I figured it'd be more fun for you all to hear his whole story as we confront him with it later on. Speaking of confrontation, it's "TO THE STAKE OUT!"

- - - - - - - -

We get to this guy's house - a nice-enough lookin' place, I'd guess, but I'm not here from Better Homes and Gardens, folks -I'm here to toss this maggott in the clink for at least 5 to 10. Anyway, Eddie starts snappin' pics of the terrorizing trio as they exit their car and go inside, then we skulk around the property, taking some more snaps, through windows and the like. Turns out there was an open window - we crawl through and just go about things real quiet-like.

"You brought the bugs?"

"Sure did, Boss"

We got a set-up in the car wherein anything this dirt-bag says at the point of confrontation will be played right back in his face in a court of law.

Now we got this maggott - me-n-Eddie always make the first move on these things - just like a lotta yuppies ya gotta be aggressive to get what you want. Anyways, we just barge right in - badges in hand. One of the dirt-bag's minionettes is sitting at a Reception Desk (aw, gimme a break), reading a magazine, like they all do, but apparently startled. If she wets herself, I hope they got an immigrant Janitor to clean it up - I ain't steppin' in nothin' I ain't gotta.

"You - Della Street, we wanna see your head honco - toot sweet."

"Oh, I see, do you gentlemen have an appointment?"

Eddie walks over to some inner office door, waving her off, "nah - consider us a couple of walk-ins."

"I'm afraid you can't..."

"Too late, sister, we already did."

EDDIE - We walk in the Yuppie's "office" and he's doing - what else - but playing miniature golf.

"Oh, sorry, there, Spence - I didn't know this was Wednesday."

We startle him and he misses his shot and he panics. "Dear God, NOT the IRS"

Mike folds his arms and chuckles at such a comparison, "Don't you wish - this here is Eddie Robinson and I'm Mike Batz - we're hard-nosed P.I.'s that are gonna put you outta business toot sweet."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I chime in, wringing my fist with my hand, "you don't have to know a thing - we're the ones that know it all. A series of bank robberies and the surveillance videos have your ugly puss all over them".

"Your wheels have been identified - only 'cuz some Eagle-Eyed dame was admirin' it while you were takin' off from one of your last, uh, meetings, this morning."

"If you come quietly, the system will go kinda easy on you - but I'm not sure how easy, what with breaking and entering, armed robbery resulting in the wounding of a security guard - assault with a deadly weapon, if ya take my meaning."

"All right, all right, I'll come quietly as you say - I still don't know what you're talking about, but I'll come down for questioning, if only to prove my innocence. In the meantime, could you give me 5 minutes?"

Me-n-Mike look at each other and back at him, and he unfolds his arms, lets them hang at his side, even though I still maintain my battle stance and balance myself on my eagle-spread legs as I grin wickedly at them, and he says, "Make it two and a half"

"Done. Miranda - Natasha, please come in and take a letter."

I say to Mike, "take a letter?"

"Boy, some guys just can't let go."

His two minionettes walk in carrying something we're not sure what they were. Then we found out. They're each armed with a crossbow aimed right at us.

Im startled at this and my arms go down. When I'm held at gunpoint, I'm sometimes not sure whether to raise them up, so I just hold them in mid-air, and I say, "HOLY WILLIAM TELL!"

MIKE - I figure out the letter angle.

"Great," I snarl with clenched teeth and my arms folded, "Crossbows shaped like the letter "A". How clever of you."

Each of them stands at one side of their boss.

"Arms at your sides, Detectives, you're my captives now."

"So, which of the two of us fires the opening salvo?"

"We settle this by alphabetical order. You first, Miranda."

EDDIE - Miranda - she's my assailant. I stare right at the barrel of her weapon, my body a wide-open target. She glares at me with evil in her eyes and slowly squeezes the trigger. A small arrow flies out. I hear the click of the trigger, the "whoosh" of the ammo flying right at me, and I catch it in my arm, just under my sleeve - directly in the flesh. "I'M SHOT!" - Gosh, did it sting - I pull it out, I'm in such great pain I can't speak, but I want to say, "why did you do this?", then I quickly sink to the floor.

MIKE - I'm hit in the right shoulder - I somehow manage to pull it out, and I wave it at them, tellin' them they're not gonna get away with this, but the drug takes effect on me, too, I grab my arm and hit the ground, nearly fallin' on top of Eddie. Oh, I'm pissed off, all right, I may be in agony, but that does nothing to my sarcasm, "so, what's your next bright idea for us?"

"You're going to suffer greatly until your last breath. These were drugged enough for paralysis, but not enough for sedation, I'm afraid. I don't let my adversaries off that easily. Girls, tie them up real good before it wears off."

The two minionettes did as they were bade - and they were so bad. Eddie was sort of layin' on his side and one of these bitches walks up with stiletto heels and pointed toes and kicks him right in the stomach, makin' him groan and since his arms were limp, he couldn't even grab it instinctively.

"I just love torturing big bad policeman - we couldn't do in the old country."

"You sick sadistic slut-bag - ya think you're so tough - steppin' on the kid after ya shoot 'im." I'm shaking I'm in so much pain, and my breath is labored, "when we get outta this, you are all gonna get it!"

Then this maggott speaks out, "Sorry, detectives, but your only way out is through death. Miranda, Natasha, come-come, dispose of these super-sleuths properly".

These broads were pretty strong, too, picking us up after our hands and feet were tied and haulin' us off to another room, where only the worst awaited us.

AND WHAT WAS THAT, PRAY-TELL! WHAT SORT OF SICK, SADISTIC SLIPPERY SLOPE HAS BEEN PLANNED FOR OUR HEROES! DREAD IT ALL YOU LIKE, BUT BE SURE TO READ ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR NEXT CHAPTER!

CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX - "The Odious Obliterator" or "A Killin' in a Kiln"

WHEN WE LEFT OUR HEROES, THEY WERE BABBOOZLED INTO A NEGOTIATION SESSION WITH BAD-GUY BOB - CASEY, THAT IS. HE'S THE DISGRUNTLED EX-EMPLOYEE OF A PLASTICS COMPANY WHO OVERPOWERED SECURITY AT THE OFFICE AND HELD ALL OF HIS FORMER CO-WORKERS HOSTAGE UNTIL HIS FORMER BOSS, MR. WALLINGFORD, HIRED THE DASHIN' DETECTIVE AND HIS BOY FRIDAY TO NEGOTIATE A SURRENDER AND AN END TO A STAND-OFF. UPON ARRIVAL, THEY WERE PINNED DOWN BY GUNFIRE BEHIND BULLETPROOF SHIELDS AND WERE LURED INSIDE AND SEIZED FROM BEHIND VIA CHLOROFORM TO THE FACE. NOW, BAD-GUY BOB AND HIS HIDEOUS HENCHMAN, ACE, ARE PLOTTING TO CARRY THE DOPED DUO TO THEIR EGREGIOUS END VIA A KILN IN THE BACK.

ACE IS BEGINNING TO HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT MIKE AND EDDIE'S LIMBS REMAINING LOOSE.

"Shouldn't we tie them up, just to be sure? What if this stuff wears off and they fight back?"

BOB THINKS FOR A SECOND AND SAYS, "ya know what? Sure - that'll be a good insurance just in case."

"Ya know somethin' else? Wouldn't it be great if they did wake up while they were burnin' up? Oh, imagine the screaming - I can just hear it now."

"Yeah, that would be pretty cool. They'll get the message that no one fucks with Bob Casey."

"Or Ace Henderson."

"Where do you get off includin' yourself in this?"

"Well, I'm helpin' ya kill 'em, ain't I?"

"Yeah, but you're just a helper - I'm the main man here, don't forget. Just like party-boy over there - the dashin' dick only keeps him around 'cuz he's an easy piece of ass."

"Ugh, gross - they're gay?"

"As the 90's."

"Man, that's another good reason we should listen to 'em scream. We gotta wipe this gay shit off the planet. It ain't decent."

SUDDENLY, ACE ALMOST GETS HIS FACE KICKED OFF HIS HEAD, BY A GORGEOUS HUNK OF TWENTY-SOMETHING ED!

"Oh, and you are, I suppose."

MIKE GETS UP AND PUMMELS BAD-GUY BOB WITH A RIGHT HOOK. FROM HERE, SINCE THEY WOKE BACK UP AGAIN, I'LL LET THEM TAKE OVER THE NARRATION.

MIKE - Me-n-Eddie really let these guys have it. Casey was so out of his mind, he didn't know what to say, so he just sputtered.

"What? What the hell? I thought you guys were knocked out cold."

Eddie says, "no, not us - but YOU'RE a different story!"

BAM!

He pummels the henchman and slaps on the hand-cuffs while I get into it with Casey, who somehow kicks me in the face and I go flying back. While regaining my sea-legs, he pulls his gun out and says, "I ain't just whistlin' Dixie, Dashin' Dick-head", then he gets a rag to his face, from Eddie. While Casey was strugglin', he fires off all the shots and I duck and bob and weave like crazy, to avoid gettin' hit. Eddie stands with hands on hips, spread-eagle, growling, "neither am I". He gets cuffed, too. I call the cops to collect these creeps and the henchman says, "I guess I didn't put enough of that stuff on those rags".

Eddie now crosses his arms, then pumps his fist into his hand and points at the henchman, all the while balancing himself on those gorgeous gams, as far apart as he could get 'em. While I get back up, I catch a view of his super tight butt, so I kinda take my time gettin' up, 'cuz I was gettin' it up, if ya take my meanin'.

"Yeah, well, maybe ya did, maybe ya didn't. We never inhaled it. We played possum."

"Ya held your breath?"

"Better than that, dirt-bag, we had nose plugs."

I finally get up and walk over and join in the gloating.

"Yeah, kiddo, that was a good plan on your part."

"Just in case your friend over there might've used gas or something. Ya can't get anything past us. We've been in this business too long - we think of everything."

"Bulletproof shields, nose plugs, and I should also mention...God on our side."

"We never got your name, what is it?"

"Ace Henderson."

"Did you work here with Bob Casey?"

"No, I was just one of his beer-buddies. He told me he got the axe and was pretty pissed off, so we went out partying and, as a joke, I said he oughta go back and start shootin' the place up, like a mailman. I felt pretty bad for him, and all, but I only meant it as a joke - honest."

"If you were only kiddin', why'd ya go along with it when he got serious?"

"Why didn't ya call the cops and warn 'em? Why'd ya help him try to murder us?"

"I'm his best friend, ya know. I mean, I lend him money when he needs it, give him rides and all, I do everything he asks me to, 'cuz I'm his buddy. Just like you two are buddies."

Eddie clutches his fist and says, "there's another difference between you guys and us. See, we do stuff for each other, we look out for each other - it's an equal give and take thing. I came up with the nose plugs, Mike came up with the shields. We're a partnership. Whereas it sounds to me like you let this guy use you - ya didn't mention anything he ever did for you. Does he?"

"No, not really. Guess he got a lotta stuff on his mind, I guess."

"He didn't care whether you went up the river, just as long as ya did what he told ya. You probably don't think very well of yourself if you keep hangin' around jerks like him. Ya married - have kids, stuff like that?"

"I was married, but she took off on me - took the kids, too - sayin' I didn't spend enough time with her...."

...and then it was as if a light bulb was switched on...

"...'cuz I was runnin' around with Bob."

"Looks like you'll be spendin' a lotta time around him when you're both locked up."

"Just a sec, Boss-Man - they know each other, so they might get locked up separately."

"Aw, Bob would never go for that."

"It ain't about Bob, here, Ace. We'll tell the DA everything you told us, maybe if you cooperate, you might still get locked up, but not as long as this guy would. I think this might be your ticket outta this so-called friendship with him."

"He's right, Ace. Bein' locked away from him, ya have a good shot at rehabilitation, get on your own feet, as they say. You could start a new life when you get outta the pokey. You work with us, pal, and we'll work with you."

"Really?"

Eddie nods yes and winks at him, "honest injun. We'll do everything we can to help ya."

[He always drove me wild when he does that - heh heh, I think he knows it, too - I started gettin' a little frisky there]

So then the cops come by and take their pick of the litter - that is, they pick up the litter, and me-n-Eddie are just about to get in the car and drive off, when I spot him lookin' kinda in deep thought.

"Holy apples and oranges"

"I don't getcha - whaddya mean?"

"I mean that guy comparing the two of them to us - where does he get the guts?"

I furrowed my brow and folded my arms and said, "well, I tell ya somethin', he's kinda right with that one. See - he felt a loyalty to his buddy just like you do to me, 'cuz we're buddies, ya know - and he wanted to be there for him, and all that. So it starts off good."

Then I put my arm around his shoulder, "BUT - that's where the similarities end. See, he made a real stupid joke which the other guy took seriously and that's what led to today's proceedings. You, on the other hand, are incapable of that sort of humor. Don't you go worryin' about bein' compared to dirt-bags like them, kiddo. We're the good guys, see? Always remember that. I love you."

I kiss him on the cheek. He puts his head on my shoulder, and I move my hand to caress his hair. I then look up, feel the warmth of the sun on my face and there's a nice, soft balmy breeze. It's a beautiful one, all right.

"Ya know somethin', kid? It's a beautiful day and it's early yet. Whaddya wanna do?"

He grabs both my arms, grins mischievously, and plants a bunch of rapid-fire pecks right on the lips, "what do YOU think?"