CHAPTER FIFTY NINE - Jimmy-Joe and Buddy Boy

MIKE - I took the lady's name, address and number down, in case anything should come up. Her name was Barbara Deepenthaler. Hmmm, Chuckie Deepenthaler. Sounded kinda choppy to me, but, whatever floats it, I guess. Eddie piped in,

"How's about we go down to this school of his, see who's around, maybe someone there can tell us what happened, that is, if this neighbor kid is too traumatized..."

I just stood and stared. Thinkin'.

"Mike?"

Still I didn't answer. I was a million miles away.

"Mike?"

Keep goin' kid.

"Mike, I got someone pregnant, I think I'm straight now."

"Oh, really? That's nice."

Eddie came up and waved his hand in my face, tryin' to get my attention. "Mike, are ya in there? Come on, wake up, we gotta get witnesses. We got a missin' kid to find. Hey, what's wrong?"

"I dunno, Eddie, I think there's somethin' not right about this whole thing."

"Yeah, like what?"

"It sounds too easy - too convenient, that a kid who saw the kidnappin' didn't get a license plate, was too freaked out to say anything. I mean, it's a school, for Pete's sake - didn't anyone else think to come forward with what they saw, and, if not, why not? And she brought in this DVD that she didn't bother openin'. I dunno, kid, I think somethin's up."

"Well, there is only one way to find out. Go to the school tomorrow and see what's up."

MIKE - Well, that seemed easy enough, in fact, a little too easy. We pull up to the street, go up and down on it, but the only school-type of building we catch has boards on all the windows. The sign did say "Grant Jennings", but it looks like it's all closed up. Me-n-Eddie get out to investigate.

Eddie says, "hmm, spring break, maybe?"

"Nah, 'fraid not. Looks like our little lady scammed us, kiddo."

"I don't get it. Why would she say he was taken in front of a school that hasn't been opened in gosh knows how long?"

Scratchin' my head, really blown away by this, all I could muster was "that bim's up to somethin'. I got a real bad feelin' what."

"Ya think it's a kind of trap or somethin'?"

"Wouldn't doubt it."

MIKE - Then we decided to go back to our place, back to the drawing board, back to square one. As we walked back to the car, Eddie spots a magazine rack on the corner.

"Just lemme see if they got the new Buff Boys-R-Us"

I chuckle and mutter, "aw, sure, go ahead, a couple-a minutes won't hurt".

EDDIE - I'm lookin' for the new issue of Buff Boys-R-Us, goin' for inspiration, ya know? Anyways, I'm not sure I see it, but I see somethin' else of interest.

"Hey, Boss-Man - check it out!"

"They got it? Great!"

"Naw, they don't, but this is better."

"A straight to DVD horror magazine? Come on, Eddie!"

"Look at the picture of the kid on the front cover and tell me if you seen 'im before."

I look at the kid. Kinda cute, looked about 7 or 8. "Still don't getcha, kiddo."

Eddie leafs through the mag and finds an article on the kid on the cover. Seems he's in a straight-to-video production of some kinda flick about....

We both gasp and look at each other:

"CHILD PORN!"

Then it dawns on me! Holy Crap! That wasn't any DVD made by kidnappers, that was a scene from a horror movie. Just then the mag dealer snarls at us, "hey, you guys buyin' or spyin' - this ain't no library, ya know."

"Oh, yeah, sorry", Eddie says as he pays for the book - and off we took. We arrived at Devereaux's house ready for some answers. Nothing, of course, would shock us, but we were curious as to why she would so elaborately stage a kidnappin'.

JUST AS OUR HEROES RACE AGAINST TIME TO THE HOUSE OF BARBARA DEEPENTHALER, WE SEE HER IN THE BASEMENT OF HER HOME.

"Hi, I just thought I'd pop down here to see how my two lovelies are doing, so I soon can say, heh-heh, farewell my lovelies. Has a nice ring to it, does it not?"

THE TWO LOVELIES AS SHE CALLS THEM, ARE ACTUALLY JIMMIE-JOE MULLEN AND HIS NEW PARTNER IN CRIMEFIGHTING, EX-POLICE CLERK SAM LEVY. THEY WERE TAKEN HOSTAGE - SEATED BACK-TO-BACK, THEIR HANDS BOUND IN THE BACK WITH INTERLINKING CUFFS, THEIR LEGS FASTENED AT THE ANKLES TO THE LEGS OF THEIR CHAIRS WITH FISHING WIRE.

Sam speaks up: "Boy, once a crook, always a crook. You even steal from Raymond Chandler!"

[SHE WALKS OVER AND SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE]

"SIlence! I've no time for any of your clap-trap. I was going to tell you that you both will soon be joined by two other rough-n-ready macho little private eyes, going by the names of Batz and Robinson, I believe."

[Jimmy-Joe] "Aw, come on, don't tell me ya pulled the same kindapping story on them, too. DVD included, I suppose."

"You suppose right. A woman must always remain consistent in her work and when I get the four of you down here, I may have to soundproof this little chamber of horrors. We don't want the neighbors to hear the screams."

"Well, they're gonna be yours, toots. When I get outta this, and I will, I'm not gonna be above decking some broad."

"Well, now I know you're certainly no Mike Batz. He's 10 times the gentleman you'll never live long enough to become. With that sickening little boy scout tailing him, he'd never dream of harming a hair on this honey."

[The doorbell rings]

"Ah, fantastic! That must be the rest of my guests. Keep your ropes fastened, boys, this is going to be a bumpy night."

[Deepenthaler goes upstairs]

"Jumpin' Jiminy, Jimmy-Joe, how're we gonna get outta this?"

"Relax, Buddy-Boy, this is only fishing wire. Batz can usually break outta this, maybe if he gets snagged down here, he can get us all out, and I'm gonna blacken both of that buxom-blonde bitch's eyes, for sure."

[Meanwhile, upstairs at the House of Deepenthaler]

MIKE - We arrive at the House of Deepenthaler and confront our soon to be former client.

"Mrs. Deepenthaler..."

"Mizzz"

"Uh, okay, fine, whatever...anyway, we believe we found the culprit."

"Oh?"

She grew uneasy. After all, if this is a bogus kidnappin', then she's bound to wonder what in blazes we were talkin' about.

Eddie contributes, "yes, it turns out to be you, MIZZZZZZ Deepenthaler. Reportin' a false abduction."

He brandishes the horror movie magazine, "It's all right here in livin' color. This boy is not your son, but rather an unfortunate actor in a really bad underground movie. Why did ya do it, Ms. Deepenthaler? Dontcha realize there's a lot of parents out there with missin' kids and then you come along and make a mockery outta the whole thing, huh? Was it fun for ya? Well, now that ya had yer little laugh, ya can drop this whole thing and come with us. Do it, Mike!"

"With pleasure. Barbara Deepenthaler, you are hereby under arrest for filin' a false report of child abduction. You have the right to remain silent, if you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the state...."

Eddie was watchin' her closely while I read her the Miranda Rights. He sees an attempted sleight of hand and alerts me...

"Watch-out-Mike-she's-reachin'-for-somethin'!"

It was a 38 caliber revolver. It was us who was reachin' next. The gun glistened in the lamplight, it was either silver or platinum. I know it was gonna be used to try to kill us, but it sure was a beaut.

Our hands were up but we remained calm. After all it was an occupational hazard for us. We'd had enough lead pumped into us to almost make us immune, and we're still standin'. Still, ya know, anything could happen.

"Gee, that sure is a pretty hunka lead ya got there. It almost looks un-used. Let's hope it stays that way, hm?"

"You just keep your hands where I can see them and listen to me. I did what I did as an act of vengeance against you both."

"Huh? What'd we do?"

"You both bear licenses as Private Investigators. It was a Private Investigator who put my father in prison."


"What did your father do to end up in prison, Ms. Deepenthaler?"

"It was embezzlement. He was sent to a minimum security facility for 3 years. Almost like a country club, it was. He was even granted parole after 18 months. Only one thing, though. He was murdered shortly before he was due for release."

Eddie says, "so you think takin' us hostage is gonna do any good?"

She cocks the gun and aims it at him, puts her finger near the trigger, he jumps a little and she snarls, "would you like yours right between the baby-blues?"

I say to her, "I've never busted anyone for embezzlement. You got the wrong guys."

"It's gone beyond that. It doesn't matter who really sent him up the river, but what sent him up. All you private dicks are the same, just out for a few bucks. I'd like to plug each and every one of you. Now, keep your hands up and go downstairs."

Me-n-Eddie walk downstairs, hands up. Eddie whispers to me, "gee, Mike, what're we gonna do?"

"Everything I say - and more."

We get down to the basement and we're shocked to find Jimmy-Joe and Sam tied back-to-back.

"Well, I see she got you, too."

"My God, she really means business."

"You know it."

One of Deepenthaler's henchmen were down there, keepin' tabs on Jimmy-Joe and Sam and they were gonna do the same with us. She has him tie me-n-Eddie up, hands in back, with a strange lookin' pair of cuffs that are linked to each other. We're placed back to back, I'm cuffed first, then Eddie. Our feet are tied to the chair legs with fishin' wire. I grimace as the wire is tightened, it digs into my ankles, breakin' the skin. It stings like a mo-fo.

Eddie sees the linked cuffs and mutters, "holy daisy chain".

Deepenthaler hisses, "well, at least this is a good start with the four of you. I am going to murder all four of you, I just haven't worked out all the details yet."

I say to her, very sarcastically, "well, I'm sure you'll keep us posted."

"But of course. It's the least I could do. One thing I know for sure, I'm going to start with your boys, the younger the better. Imagine you two tough guys brought to your knees by the sight of your little sidekicks begging in vain for their lives as you sit by helplessly. The last thing they'll ever see is the two of you unable to rescue them. Oh, I'm looking forward to it already. TA-TA!"

Here's the layout - I'm facin' front, Eddie's facin' the back of me, lookin' right at Jimmy-Joe. Before we were bound, I noticed he and Sam were tied back-to-back, too. The only form of comfort I have is that my boy's right with me, his hands touchin' mine.

EDDIE - I can feel Mike's sleeves rubbin' up against my arms, his hands tied to mine. If anything, at least I know he's right there. This is a scary situation, probably the scariest I've ever been in, but havin' Mike right there makes me feel better. I hear some sniffin'. I see the back of Sam's head, bowed. I think he's cryin', or at least tryin' not to.

I call out to him, "Sam, you okay back there?"

He sniffs a couple of times and levels with me, "no, not really. Pretty scared."

"Hey, Sam. I know this is a hard thing, but there's no need to be upset."

"How can you say that? She's gonna kill four innocent guys!"

"I know that, and it's not right, but, if anything, just think that you're gonna give up your life for a good cause. If we are killed, it's gonna be a noble death."

[MIKE - That's my boy]

"I almost died on my first case. It was a woman, she shot the two of us twice. Almost lost a lotta blood. It hurt a lot and it was scary, but we made it through."

Jimmy-Joe put in his two cents. "What's the matter with you, kid? I thought ya had guts. I thought ya wanted to be a part of this. Boy, some partner you turned out to be."

"Hey, come on, Jimmy-Joe, lay off him, he feels bad enough already."

"You're no one to talk, Batz. At least you got a real man for a boy, there. What did I end up with?"

"Aw, come on, man! We should be thinkin' of a way outta this, not attackin' each other. It's what this bim wants us to do. We're roped and chained here. We could just break outta the ropes, but it's these god-awful cuffs we gotta deal with. I don't blame the kid for bein' scared. She's gonna start with him first, then Eddie as we gotta watch 'em die. You heard her."

Eddie pipes in, "the worst part is not knowin' when or how she's gonna finish us off. All we can do is wait."

WAIT FOR WHAT? WHAT DEVIOUS DEVICE FOR THEIR DEMISE DOES DEEPENTHALER DECIDE ON? ALL WILL BE KNOWN IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, IF YOU HAVE THE STOMACH FOR IT.

CHAPTER FIFTY EIGHT - Payin' It Forward - Part One

MIKE - It's a beautiful day in the house of Batz & Robinson. Eddie finally got over a huge hump in his life, thanks to yours truly, of course, and there was another hump we both had to get over - each other (hee-hee). Naw, seriously, Eddie faced and exorcised all kinds of demons in the last couple of weeks and he's gonna be a better man for it. In fact, that was all gonna be put to the test - comin' right up. I hugged and kissed him good mornin', and held him in my arms as I said, "Eddie, ya know today's the first day of the rest of yer life, right? Now with all this crap behind ya, you can finally be happy, and so can I."

He did seem a little down, though, but he said, "yeah, I know. Just a little tirin', I guess. Mike, I really don't know if I could've ever faced all that without ya. Heck, I wouldn't even be alive today without ya. You remember, the gun under my mattress."

"Hogwash - ya woulda bounced back. You're a strong, intelligent boy. Since we teamed up, ya showed me you can get through anything. Ya got yer wits about ya, ya don't give yerself enough credit. But, anyways, this'll make ya a better crimebuster, you can use this whole thing to be more compassionate toward our clients, makin' damn sure a thing like this doesn't happen to someone else. This was all good, I'm tellin' ya. All good."

The doorbell rang, about 8 times, real rapid fast-like. "Gosh, what the heck is that all about."

"Only one way to find out."

I opened the door and there was a woman cryin' at our doorstep.

"Oh, mornin' - how can we help ya?"

"This is Batz & Robinson? Detectives?"

"Yeah, ya got Batz. Here. Whay dontcha come in - plant it and make yerself comfy."

Poor woman, guess she was about 30 - 35, had the Hillary Clinton look about her. Ya know, all cold and corporate and stuff. She was carryin' a package.

"I hope you gentlemen can help me. Our family's facing a terrible crisis, probably a tragedy."

"Oh, geez, what's goin' on?"

"My son's been missing for a few days. He went to school this past Monday and never came home. It's now only Thursday, yet it feels like weeks ago."

Eddie piped in, "how old is he?"

"Seven. He's only in second grade."

"What school does he go to?"

"Grant Jennings. It's a private school, on 95th street."

"Uh-huh...How's he get to school? The bus? Someone gives him a ride?"

"He usually walks with a boy who lives down the street - they've known each other forever."

"Did ya see the other kid since then? Does he know anything?"

"Only that he saw him get in a strange man's car. He saw he wasn't going willingly and he tried screaming at the man, but he pulled a knife on him and said he better not say or do anything if he ever wants to see his little friend again."

"License plate number!"

"No. He didn't even think about that. He feels so bad he let this happen."

"No, not his fault. Does he think he can recognize the creep's face if he saw it again - like in a mug shot or somethin'."

"I don't know if I want to put him through that, I mean, he is only seven years old, himself. I'm not sure his parents would go for the idea."

"He'd only be lookin' at photos, and he'd be in the company of two guys. We wouldn't let nothin' happen to him."

"Well, I think you should talk to his parents - about that, I mean. But I wanted to show you this. I found this in my mailbox yesterday."

"Good Jesus, this creep knows your address?"

"Ya think it's someone ya know?"

"I really don't know, I haven't been thinking straight. In fact, I didn't even go to the police with this. I thought I could handle this myself."

"Yourself? Where's the kid's father?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Ah, I get it. Divorced - ya lost track of each other."

"No, I can't tell you where he is...because I can't tell you who he is. I don't know."

Aw, Jeez. One of them types.

"Ya sure there's no way to know? I mean, when two people..."

"So I slept around a lot - up to 8 years ago, that is, so what? Do you have to interrogate me? That's all you've done since I've been here is give me the third degree. If you feel like you're above me and don't want to handle my case..."

"Wait, wait, wait HOLD EV'RYTHING! We never said anything like that. We just met ya here, see. We don't know where to start, and one word borrows another...."

The woman regained her composure and nodded a bit - realizing we were talkin' sense and she wasn't.

"Yes, you're right, and I'm sorry. It's true, I had a bunch of one night stands years ago, any of them could be Chuckie's father."

Eddie grinned, "Chuckie - that's a cute name."

"Thank you. He was so cute when he was born, round little head. I guess that's the first thought that came to my mind. Calling him Chuckie, that is. I'm sorry, you must be Detective Robinson."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I'm Barbara Deepenthaler. I should've introduced myself earlier."

"No problem. But what was it you got last night?"

"I'm very disturbed by it. It's a note from whoever took my child."

"Let's see it."

She opens up the note and we both have a gander at it.

Eddie was a little perplexed, "There's a lot more where that came inside? Holy malapropisms. Isn't the right phrase there's a lot more where that came from?"

"OH yeah! You know - we say that to the bad guys when we flatten 'em."

"Oh, yeah, that's right. Uh, what's in the package, though?"

"I don't know - I've been too nervous to open it."

"How bout lettin' us?"

"Sure."

We open up the package, which was wrapped in Christmas wrap, no less. God, how sick is this puppy? Huh, it's a DVD.

"Looks like they sent ya a movie."

"What are they, bootleggers?"

"Ms. Deepenthaler, ya mind if we, uh..."

"No, not at all, please do."

I pop the disc outta it's box and stick it in the player. Not much is happenin' at first, then...Oh My God.

Ms. Deepenthaler jumps outta her seat and turns paler than a ghost. "Dear God, not my baby."

"Holy Al-Jazeera!"

"What the hell is this, some kinda sick joke?"

It has to be. Man, oh, man, I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd actually see somethin' like this. I mean, I'd heard about this sorta thing before, but...

Eddie started hyperventilatin' - "That's your kid there? Child pornography!"

Deepenthaler wept buckets. She was inconsolable. I think we were, too. I won't say much about how it looked, except to say it was disgustin' and painful as hell, and the boy was screamin' for his mommy, but he kept gettin' slapped, told to shut the fuck up, and that....his mommy didn't want him anymore. Some creep grabbed him by the back of his head and forced his face into the camera, tellin' him to smile for his mommy, but his face was contorted in agony, his eyes were bloodshot and flooded in tears. Then, just when we thought we seen ev'rything, a pair of bloodstained underwear was shoved in the camera.

Deepenthaler almost went into convulsions. Eddie grabbed her and held her, tryin' to soothe her, turnin' off the DVD player and takin' the disc out. He was about to fling it when I cut him off, "NO! Eddie - that's evidence. We gotta take care of it!"

He looked at it and looked back at me, then he finally composed himself, "You're right, Mike.", and placed it back in the jewel case it came in, then went back to comfortin' Ms. Deepenthaler, who held onto his arms and cried on his shoulder while he stroked her hair and kept sayin' that we're gonna get her boy back.

"Oh, how?"

"You just leave that up to us. That's why ya came here, right? Now, listen, Ms. Deepenthaler. I've seen stuff like this before. It happened to me once - yeah, as a kid - my old man took me away from my mom. Ya wanna know how I got away?"

He pointed at me.

"It was him. He got me outta that jam. My dad let a neighbor do it to me, then later on, he snatched me away, locked me in a closet, but Mike rescued me. See? Look at me. I turned out okay, and little Chuckie will, too, 'cuz Mike over there is on this case. We both are. That help any?"

Deepenthaler was composin' herself, too, and looked at Eddie, and was wipin' her tears off, "I hope so, Detective, I hope so."

"It's Eddie to you."

"All right, thank you....Eddie. But what will you do first? Do you have a plan?"

I interjected, "that's just what me-n-Eddie are gonna formulate right now. You, on the other hand, can know that we're on this and we're gonna make it all okay. We're gonna get this creep. So today, just take it easy, go home and relax - and remember, ya did good bringin' this pile of filth over here and not openin' it up right away. If ya get any more of this stuff..."

"Any MORE?!?"

"Well, ya did read that note - this one's threatenin' to send ya other stuff. We don't really know that there's gonna be anymore, but in the event there is, you don't open a thing, bring it right to us. We're security, see? We'll watch this crap so you don't have to. You're not alone in this, Ms. Deepenthaler, ya got us here."

"But do you have any friends or family you can turn to?"

"NO! I mean, I don't want to worry any of them. I'm not telling anyone else about this."

Eddie was stunned, "why the heck not?"

"It might make me look like a bad mother. It'd make me look negligent. I mean, how could I let something like this happen, and..."

"Aw, heck, that's such a load of...."

I cut him off with a look, "EDDIE!"

He stopped himself cold and thought about what he was about to say and held back, noddin' his head in agreement, clutchin' his fist and grittin' his teeth, "of course...I'm sorry."

"Not to worry. Ms. Deepenthaler, again, just take it easy today, and know that we're in charge here and if anything should pop up, just turn it all over to us."

"Thank you, Detective."

"It's Mike to you."

"Thank you so much...Mike. I'm glad I found you...and you, Eddie."

Eddie winked both eyes and nodded.

"I guess there's nothing I can do at the moment, so I'm taking you both up on your advice. I'm just going to relax tonight, read a good book, take a hot bubble bath. Well, good day, Mike...Eddie. Thank you again."

She left. I showed her to the door and closed it after her. I turn to Eddie and he turns to me. We look at each other mystified.

"Holy Mount Everest"

"What makes ya say that?"

"'Cuz that's a game of leap frog compared to this."

I walk over and put my arm around him and pat his chest with my other hand while he clutches his fist.

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth, my boy."

"Gift?"

"Naturally. Ya told her all about what happened to you. You were rescued by me and now we're both gonna rescue this kid. Yer gonna pay it forward."

"Huh?"

"Ya know, you seen the movie, right? Somebody does somethin' for ya, ya can't really return the favor to this one, right? So ya do it for someone else. Ya pay it forward."

"Holy Haley Joel Osment - that's right! What's our first move?"

I just looked straight ahead as Eddie looked at me for the answer.

WHAT IS THEIR FIRST MOVE? OUR HEROES REALLY DON'T KNOW THAT YET, BUT NOT TO WORRY- YOU'LL FIND OUT AS SOON AS THEY DO - AND AS SOON AS YOU SEE THE NEXT CHAPTER.

CHAPTER FIFTY SEVEN - Kept Boys

"HEY! There he is!"

"There you are, too!"

MIKE - Eddie appears just as Jimmy-Joe's about to be on his way upstairs to see Sam. I introduced the two of them, "Jimmy-Joe Mullen, this is Eddie, my pride and joy, Eddie, this is Jimmy-Joe Mullen"

The two say hi and shake hands.

"Hi,ya, kid, good to meetcha. I won't hold ya guys up I know ya got a mystery to solve and I gotta get upstairs to that kid, Sam, you were seein'. Hopin' he could be my new partner."

"Partner?"

"Yeah. Gettin' kinda tired of beatin' it all alone - this old man needs a boy."

"Yeah, well, I hope the two of ya hit it off up there. I think he'd be into it."

"Catch ya guys later. Peace out."

I swing my arm around Eddie's neck, restin' my hand on his shoulder. "So, how's about it, kid? Ready to kick some blue-boy butt?"

"Gosh, I never thought it would ever come to this. These are cops we're set to bust."

"Only technically. They're more like impersonators. Come on, let's go."

We get back home and go over ev'rything Sam gave us. Spare apartment keys, orders to expunge any wrong doin' from their records, cancelled checks drawn from the desk sergeant's account, made out to the terrible trio.

Eddie's pacin' back and forth as I examine ev'rything.

"Why would the Sarge be payin' them off?"

"Eh, probably for favors. Maybe the three of 'em are kept."

"Such huge amounts, though. Wouldn't ya think he'd just buy 'em whatever they wanted, if they were kept, that is?"

"Maybe he wants 'em kept - QUIET!"

"Good point! They got somethin' on 'im. The question, of course, is what!"

"Ya know what I'm thinkin', Ed? All this stuff is all well-n-good, but since the other day, there's a whole other animal I want trapped."

"Sam's shooter."

"Exactly. Assault with a deadly weapon on a Civil Servant, endangerin' the lives of two licensed Private Investigators..."

"Who work in conjunction with the Police Department. Oh, this smells good, Boss - real good. Not even Sam recognized the guy and they were standin' face to face. Darn that ski mask, anyway! I really wanna bust that guy, too. What those creeps did to me was bad enough, but when there's a bullet, not only does this drive 'em off the force, but it shoves 'em in the clink, too, and there's nothing those animals deserve more than to be cops in a lock-up. God help 'em when they get thrown in - and I hope He just leaves 'em there to ROT!"

I was pretty alarmed by this - Eddie was takin' this just as personally as I was. I loved it. The two of us were never more in synch than we were at that minute.

"I almost killed myself because of them! My life was ruined because of them! My good name was dragged through the mud because of them! Oh, they owe me big time, and they're gonna pay!"

He punches a nearby wall - had to stop him - kid was gonna break his hand, so I offered up my gut.

"Hey, if you're gonna hit anything, make it me."

"Mike, I wouldn't hurt you for...."

"Better my gut than your hand. Ya know how hard these walls are. Come on, take your best swing."

Eddie balled up his fist, extended his arm back, ready to take a swing, then caught a glimpse of me lookin' at him. He threw his fist in the air, walked toward me and embraced me, cryin', "I can't. Oh, Mike, I hate them so much. I always will. How could they do this to me? All I wanted was to be a good cop, I took my trainin' seriously. How could they bust my dream like that? How? I'll do whatever it takes to destroy them just like they...."

"Yeah, yeah, go on, just like they...."

He picks his head up. "I'm not destroyed. I'm livin' my dream. There's nothin' wrong with my life. In fact, I've been havin' the most fun I ever had. I've been through this a bunch of times in my head, but now I know for sure. Not only is life as good as it gets, it's perfect. There's nothin' I want more than what I got already."

"But ya still wanna bust these guys, right?"

"More than ever, Mike, more than ever."

The doorbell rings - just what we needed. As a matter of fact, it really was just what we needed.

"Yes, what can we do for ya?"

"You're detectives, right?"

"Yeah"

"You were the two guys that took off with Levy earlier on?"

"Okay, kid, out with it. What's this about?"

"I just came back from vistin' him. I heard he got shot up. I think I'm responsible in some way."

"What! You're the shooter in the parking lot?"

"No, but I think I know who is. See, I relieve Sam whenever he steps out and I saw the two of you. Sarge came up and asked where Sam was and I told him he'd gone out for a bite, or somethin'. Anyways, I thought you might be a couple of friends of his. I described you to Sarge."

"Why'd ya do that?"

"'Cuz I thought it kinda unusual that you'd wear a trenchcoat when it's 70 degrees outside."

"Uh-huh. So this Sarge of yours recognized us by description."

"Yes sir. Then he got all keyed up, ran back to his office and then ran outside, in an awful hurry, muttering something like "I'm gonna get 'em" or something. Detectives, I think Sam was shot by Sarge."

"That would figure. Now, you didn't know who we were at the time, did ya?"

"No, he just muttered a couple of names and then ran off. Sam and I talked about the whole thing and he filled me in. I said, who's Batz and Robinson. Now I know who you guys are and I figured I'd come out and tell ya what I saw. I'm sorry, I shoulda just lived and let live."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well if I see someone who's overdressed when it's warm out, I really shoulda minded my own business."

"Well, yeah, that's true. Ya did blow our cover, but ya didn't know what you were sayin'. Ya didn't tell your Sarge to get a gun and come after us. You were pretty stupid, but you're not responsible for Sam's shootin'. BUT, now we know who did it. Hey, uh, does anyone know ya came out here? Anyone you should look out for?"

"No, it's after hours, the uniform comes off, I drove up in my own car, after comin' out of a hospital visit I paid on my own time. I think I'm good."

"Sounds like it."

"What's gonna happen to him - Sarge, I mean?"

"That's up to the powers that be. We just gotta deliver 'im to the right people, is all. I'm not sure they'll look too fondly on all his shenanigans when they get through lookin' through ev'rything."

"Everything?"

"Yeah, turns out this cop house you're workin' at isn't exactly of well-repute. I can't disclose any of this, but your beloved Sarge has been up to a heck of a lot more than just shootin' some Desk Clerk for goin' to lunch with us. Anyway, thanks for comin' out with this, but I think ya better get goin'."

"Anything else I can do for ya?"

"Naw, naw. We nearly lost one civilian so far today, I think we went past our quota."

"I get it. Well, anyway, it was good meetin' ya both."

"Yeah, same here, kid."

I closed the door behind him, makin' sure not to let it hit 'im on the ass. I was pretty steamed at that kid, 'cuz if it weren't for him, Sam wouldn't be saddled with a slug in his shin.

"So, what's our next move, Boss-Man? So many twists to this whole thing, my head's spinnin'."

"I hear ya, kiddo. We gotta get these guys, and somehow confront their beloved Sarge, but how?"

"Maybe a ruse. Corner the creepy cops at their place, and get 'em to lure Sarge over there and get 'em all at the same time."

"Sounds like a plan, but these are cops, they all carry service revolvers, even off-duty, that'd be at least 4 guns in our direction. We'd never live through such firepower."

"Doesn't matter. Go down fightin' - that's how it always is."

"All right - you're on. We got their duty schedule for the week, we got the keys to their place, and I got an idea."

EDDIE - We staked out the apartment buildin' where my three former classmates all live together. The suspicion is that their Desk Sergeant is payin' 'em off 'cuz of somethin' they got on 'im. If their Sarge was the guy that shot at us and hit Sam, that'd be up to the Department of Internal Affairs, but me-n-Mike had a private score to settle with these three guys. We put ourselves on a wire to record anything they said when we confronted them. So much was at stake - my vindication and now we have an attempted murder to deal with.

MIKE - We sat outside and saw these sleazebags leavin' for the day. That's when we made our move. We had the keys to their apartment itself, but we had to somehow jimmy the lobby door open. I took out a credit card and tried to undo the lock that way. As I slid it in, I heard somethin' click. I turned to Eddie and said, "never leave home without it".

EDDIE - We make our way inside and looked around. Gosh, what a pigsty. Beer cans, pizza boxes, dirty laundry all over the place, dirty dishes piled up pretty high. Saw a cockroach run across my foot. Mike made a joke, "hey, I thought there was a no-pets clause in their lease".

MIKE - Then we started riflin' through their stuff, dressers, closets, the whole shebang. Saw some DVD's that caught my eye:

"int'resting - Bear Trap - Cop Hunters - looks like these boys play on our team after all"

I heard Eddie from the other room:

"Holy Paydirt!"

I rush out to see what he found. It was at least a couple grams of coke, if not more.

"Imagine that, almost right out in the open. Oh, the brazenness of it."

"Almost?"

"Yeah, it was in one of their bureau drawers."

"Well, I imagine they might go right for this stuff the minute they come in."

And speaking of the minute they came in, that minute was nigh. I said to Eddie, "cheese it - it's the cops".

We took a hidin' place, then we got ready to spring right into action. I flicked on the remote control of the tape recorder we had hidden in the car. If we got anything concrete on them, now was gonna be it.

"Geez, what a day. Ya believe them fuckin' niggers gettin' all pissed off at us just 'cuz we pulled them over in a traffic stop?"

"Yeah, good thing ya had some smack to plant on 'em, got 'em all locked up, like they're used to."

"Well I did want us to snort it up for ourselves, but I guess it went for a better cause."

"You said it. This is really gonna get us promoted."

[Ooh, this is good. Me-n-Eddie looked at each other, but we didn't say a word. Didn't wanna taint the recordin'.]

"This was way easier than the time we got that loser back at the academy. What was the poor stiff's name anyway."

"Oh yeah, Robinson. God, what a joke. Ya know, I never forget a rat. That'll teach 'im to get us suspended for three days."

"I wonder what happened to 'im."

"Probably blew his fuckin' brains out. Not that he had much to work with in the first place."

[And just what I hoped for. One of the creep-a-zoids was goin' for the bureau. He couldn't exactly find what he was lookin' for.]

"Hey, whatcha lookin' for?"

"I had some blow I wanted to do tonight. Did ya see it around here? I could swear I left it in here."

"Ah, no big deal, we'll help ya look for it."

[The other two Charlie's Angels went into the other rooms, then me-n-Eddie crept up behind the creep.]

"Shit, man, what the hell did I do with it?"

We were standin' right behind 'im, I extended my hand to the side of his face.

"Lookin' for this, perhaps?"

He reached for it and said, "oh, thank God, I was....Holy Shit!"

"Consider yerself busted, my friend."

"Hey, who the hell are you guys? What're ya doin' here?"

"Oh, let's just say we're actin' on a tip. Let's introduce ourselves. I'm Detective Mike Batz."

Eddie, who was wearin' a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses, slowly peeled them off and announced himself as "Detective Edward G. Robinson".

"Eddie! What the fuck?"

"What's with ya, Chauncey? You remembered bein' sore about the suspension that you guys deserved, ya remembered what a loser ya thought I was, but ya conveniently forgot I don't respond well to that kinda language."

While this guy was about to be put under wraps I thought it'd be good to cover the other guys, Murphy and Wilczek, but when I tracked them down, they had themselves pretty well covered with no help from me. Murphy was stickin' it to the polish kid.

"Hey, ain't we s'posed to look for Chauncey's smack?"

"Aw, fuck 'im, anyway, this is much more fun."

"Ooh, yeah, baby. Aw, that's it, aw yeah. [loud exhale] Ya really think we need 'im around anymore? He's kinda been gettin' on my nerves these days. Been lookin' like we could use a bigger share of what we shave off the Sarge."

"Whaddya think we oughta do, get rid of 'im?"

"We could blow his head off and say some perp did it."

[Glory be to God, thank you so much. This is way better than what I'd hoped for]

"Wait wait - no more talkin' - I think I'm gonna cum"

The poor stiff was gruntin' and groanin' and just about to do it. I didn't mean to be a party pooper, but, oh, well.

"JUST hold it right there, blue-boys - don't make a move, don't even think of takin' another gasp."

It was a quicker pull-out then a newspaper supplement.

"Shit - shit - shit - shit!"

"Who the hell are you and what the hell are ya doin' here?"

"So when you blow the other guy away, what're ya gonna say, that some freakin' N-word did it in a traffic stop? I think you boys ruined enough lives for the time bein', it's time somebody ruined yours. Eddie, better get in here, I got a couple of live ones here."

"Right away, Boss-Man!"

Eddie escorted Chauncey into the bedroom and tossed him in with the other two. I held the piece on 'em as Eddie wrapped them up.

"Man, the boys at the rat squad are gonna love this!"

"Yeah, Robinson, ya oughta know about rats, ya fuckin' asshole."

BAM - Eddie gives Wilczek a right hook. "Sorry, just a reflex. Language just makes me wanna come out swingin'."

I teased 'im a little, "aw, come on, now Eddie, would ya really hit a guy with cuffs on?"

"This idiot, yeah. Ya see, Boss, he didn't give a darn-and-a-half that I was all tied up when I was gettin' the daylights pounded outta me. None of these stiffs gave a hoot when I was cuffed and that stuff was bein' forced up my nose."

"Nothin' personal, Ed. Ya broke the Code of Silence and we just wanted to getcha suspened for a few days - like ya did to us. We didn't know you got expelled!"

"Language gets ya a punch in the gut. Lyin' gets ya much worse. Ya knew drug use was a cause for expulsion. All right, so you were sore at me, but ya served your time and came back in like it was nothin', ya coulda just moved on. Ya didn't have to take my life in your hands and ruin it like ya did."

"You always thought you were better than us. Ya always looked down on us, never even talkin' to us or nothin'. Then ya went and blabbed when ya saw us smokin' on the grounds."

"Hey! I was just tryin' to be the best student I could. I wanted a career in Law Enforcement just like you three jokers did. You thought ya had the last laugh, didn't ya! Thought ya screwed it all up for me, but lemme tell ya somethin' - you lousy slugs did me a favor - at least I wouldn't be in a profession that'd be disgraced by the likes of you three. C'mon, Mike, let's drag these losers to the cops - the REAL cops."

"Come on, Robinson, we rule that station. Nobody in their right mind would put us in the system."

"I didn't say your station. There are others, and the Department of Internal Affairs watches over all of 'em, just like with your beloved Sarge."

Game and match - Eddie's foes were found guilty by the rat squad after a long investigation, their guns and badges taken, pending investigation. Same with their Sergeant. All-in-all, not a bad day.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Eddie gets a call from the police academy and we both shot right over there.

"Robinson, in light of the evidence presented to the Department of Internal Affairs, you have been vindicated. We were erroneous in your expulsion and we'd like to offer our apologies. We would also like to reinstate you as a Cadet, effective immediately if that is what you wish. You don't even need to start over again, you could be put right back where you were at the time these unfortunate events occurred. You had been a very diligent student and it is our belief you would be a credit to our academy as well as any police department of which you'd become a member."

MIKE - Aw, ya shoulda seen 'im. All the weight of the world was taken off his broad, sinewy shoulders. A look of glee came over his angelic face. I was happy for 'im at long last, but after our eyes met, he paused and said it straight to the academy administrators.

"I'm not sure what to say. I'm thrilled and honored of course. I can't begin to say how much it means to me that you can finally believe me and want to make this up to me and all...but my answer is no, thank you. At least not for now. In the meantime, I was made into a Private Investigator and I've really enjoyed the life I lead with my partner, here. I think I'm makin' a real diff'rence out there and I'm real happy with what I'm doin' these days. Would the door always be open for my return, or....?"

"Of course it would, but in order to pick up where you left off, you'd need to reconsider in a year's time, otherwise, you would have to start from the beginning."

"I understand, Sir. Thank you so much."

We left - and Eddie's not back in. I was floored. I had to get into this with 'im.

"Eddie, what was all that about back there? Your name's cleared, kiddo, don't blow this chance for God's sake! Ya gotta think!"

"Oh, I have been thinkin'. Non-stop. Let's say that nothin' happened, and I graduated from the academy and went onto become a cop. The Job I've always wanted since I was a kid. Sure, I probably woulda liked it, but ya just never know. When I was expelled, I thought my life was over, but meetin' you gave me ev'rything I was lookin' for - even more than that. Not only am I a crimefighter, I got a Detective's license, I got a real swell partner, too, one of the best guys I've ever known. If I did go back, and became a cop, I don't know where I woulda been assigned. I'd come home to ya, and all that, but I'd miss bustin' bad guys with ya. When I got the news just now, I was outta my mind with joy and I looked over to ya to see you smilin' too, but I caught a little sadness in those baby-browns of yours, like ya saw we were splittin' up, at least as a crimefightin' team, anyway, and I realized that while I'd be goin' on to work as a cop pretty soon, that I'd also be leavin' you."

"Yeah, but we're life partners, it's not like you'd be outta my life altogether."

"But in another capacity, it just wouldn't be the same. You make me so happy, you make me laugh, it's a lotta fun goin' on stake-outs, takin' in clients, confrontin' the bad guys face to face, standin' at your side. I'm not gonna let anything, even a uniform and a badge, take me away from that, away from you."

MIKE - On that note, I grabbed him, bear-hugged him, broke down sobbin'. I knew this moment was comin' for a long time, that's why I started this whole thing off. He finally had a choice in the matter, and while I was nervous about what he'd say, sure I woulda been hurt, I woulda missed the kid, but just like anything else in life, I'd suck it up, I'd guts it out. I'd leave it in the hands of the man upstairs, but he chose to stay with me. He told me he loved me before, but no other time was like this one. I'm a lucky guy, I tell ya.


Thank you God, for bringin' us through all this, and for lettin' me keep my Eddie, who I always cherish as a gift from you, anyway. He gets his name cleared and I get to keep my boy.

I get to keep my boy.

CHAPTER FIFTY SIX - Make It All Good

MIKE - The minutes seemed like hours. After Sam was wheeled in we kept waitin' for him to be wheeled right back out. I mean, how long's it take to pop out a slug, anyway? I kept starin' off at that doorway Sam was wheeled in through, never took my eyes off it. Eddie put his hand on my shoulder and said,

"these things take time, but we got him here okay. They're in there workin' on him."

I turn to him and say, "It's this life, boy, I tell ya, it can really mess some kids up. Ya know, I feel it for all of 'em. I'm thinkin' about Bobby now, how he woulda been alive right now if it hadn't been for me. Ya know I can make some really bad stuff happen. Just hurts, is all."

"Hey, now don't ya go sayin' stuff like that, it's not true. It does some really good things for guys. Bobby - if he lived, he woulda been really somethin'. What he did for us that time took real courage and dedication to the life. Nothin' you could ever do ended Bobby's life, he died at the hands of machine-gun-totin' maniacs. If it wasn't for you, Skip woulda been crushed to death, no one would've ever known. He never woulda remembered what happened to his kid brother. If it wasn't for you, all of that what went down in Miami Beach woulda been a lot worse, those bellboys woulda died for sure, so would Oscar and Joey. You don't make bad stuff happen, you make it all good."

"My God, Eddie, if anything happens to that kid...."

"Wait, we don't know that it's gonna. It's his first time, yeah, but think about it. It happened to him while he was doin' somethin' he wanted to. God's gonna be with him and pull him through it, 'cuz He's got a good kid, He needs him down here. Sam's only just beginnin', Mike. He's gonna grow up and be a great crimefighter, you just wait."

MIKE - Eddie was right. A couple of hours later, we get the heads-up Sam came outta surgery and asked for us. He was still kinda comin' outta the anesthesia, smiled and nodded to us when we walked in.

"Hey, guys, I'm really glad you're here."

Eddie smiles and pats him on the shoulder, "hey, Sam, ain't you a sight for sore eyes!"

"I just thank God you were there when it happened. I mighta been dead if it weren't for you."

"Any nerve damage, or broken bones or anything?"

"It did get kinda complicated. There was a piece of shrapnel lyin' right next to a nerve. They got most of it out, but there's this little piece there they had to keep in, or else it woulda done me more harm than good to pluck it out. So, it's in there for keeps".

"Gosh, ya gotta walk around with a slug for the rest of your life?"

"I gotta do some physical therapy, ya know, to get used to it, I guess, but..."

EDDIE - The smile disappeared from his face, now he was lookin' pretty sad.

"But? Sam? What is it?"

"Guess I can't be a cop now, can I?"

"What're ya talkin' about?"

"Hey, I'm damaged goods. Ya can't hop a beat, ya gotta walk it, and, ya know, I'm a snitch and ev'rything."

MIKE - This was breakin' me up too bad, "No, no, wait a second, kid, ya got it all wrong. What ya did today took guts, integrity, a real love of the Job, ya did this to clean up somethin' dirty. Ya gotta get outta that station for one thing. Once these guys are put away, and they will be, for life, probably, ya should be all set."

Eddie pipes in, "Ya helped us in our investigation. Ya risked your life for the Job, ya got hurt for the Job. The Job's gonna be with ya on this one, ya get me?"

Sam was rocked by all this, but all he could think of to say was, "so, what now?"

"Well, right now, you just gotta get well. Eddie knew these guys at the academy, he did the same thing you did, dropped a dime when he spotted some bad behavior on their part. They beat the hell outta him and planted drugs in his system and had him thrown out. We're gonna get 'em for that. That there's a personal vendetta we got goin'. Then, we're gonna take all the rest of this stuff you gave us, turn that over to the authorities. [pauses] I just had a thought. Now we got one of 'em for attempted murder, if we could just find out who, then nail that bastard. You saw him face to face."

"Well, not really. He had a ski mask on."

"Was there anything familiar about him, though, like his build, the sound of his voice, anything?"

Sam had to think. He went over it in his head, tryin' to make sense of this whole thing. "Gosh, guys, I really don't know. He was pretty heavily disguised. I'm sorry - the whole thing happened so darned fast...."

"Yeah, I getcha. Look, kid, just take it easy, get yer leg back in shape. Leave the rest of this to us. Eddie, back to the house."

Sam piped up, "uh, Detective, could I borrow Eddie for a second?"

Eddie looked at me and nodded. I said, "uh, sure, sure. Hey, kiddo, I'll meet ya out at the car."

EDDIE - I sat on the end of the hospital bed, Sam just wanted to chat for a minute, boy to boy. I says to him, "been some day for ya, hasn't it?"

"Sure has. Gosh, Eddie, I'm awful sorry I couldn't ID the shooter."

"Not to worry, me-n-Mike always get our man."

"Wish I had a guy like that for a partner. You're really lucky he's got your back."

I think about it and grin, "yeah, yeah, he's really somethin'."

"Then it's true, then?"

I continued grinnin' and looked at Sam, "what's true, pal?"

"You and Detective Batz. You guys do more than solve mysteries together?"

I chuckled and shook my head. Not to deny, not like I was uptight or anything, 'cuz I wasn't, but I was amazed this kid was askin' about our love life. But I had to come right out with it, "yeah, Sam, it's true. Me-n-Mike love each other. Why'd ya ask?"

"Cuz you guys are like Batman and Robin. Cuz I seen your pictures in the paper and sometimes I whack off to youse."

WOW! I was pretty taken aback by that. "Oh, uh...thanks...I guess."

"I've always had this kinda cop fantasy goin'. Always liked them a little...okay...a lot"

[we both laugh at this]

"and when I first got wind of you two, saw your pictures, and ev'rything..I mean, I didn't even know for sure, but...DAMN, you guys are hot! I just always wondered, ya know."

"What, uh, what does it for ya?"

"huh?"

"What is it about us?"

"Your body, for one thing. I'm a little outta shape right now, but one day I'd like to be built like you. Ya sure got some powerful arms and legs. I'm only 18 now, but I figure I got about 5 years to turn into somethin' like you, then I can be somethin' like Detective Batz when I get to be about his age. Ya know how old he is?"

"Yeah, he's 50."

"50? Sure doesn't seem like it"

"Yeah, he keeps us both young, I guess. But lemme tell ya a couple of things. First, I've never met a man like him in all my life. Sure, I dated around a bit, but no one could ever top Mike Batz. Ya know all about how he saved me as a kid, and ev'rything?"

"Yeah."

"Well I spent a lotta time lookin' for someone like him, 'cuz I didn't see him for a long time, then I decided I was gonna go after the genuine article. I'm just glad God saw fit that we get together. The two of us are one man."

"I know what you mean. I want a guy like that for myself, too. But I ain't too good lookin' so I need a lotta work."

"That's the second thing I wanna tell ya. See, us good lookin' young guys, us boy wonders, we come in all diff'rent types. I like mine and you gotta get to like yours. You teddy bear types are a real cute bunch. I thought ya looked real smokin' in that uniform, ya have a good walk to ya, too. You got real nice lookin' hair, too, perfectly parted, shiny, silky, deep shade of brown, framin' that cute boyish face of yours...and those eyes, eyes of determination, eyes of fierce loyalty to the Job, wide eyes of hero worship. Ya know, all of us who like heroes really wanna be heroes ourselves. We start off as sidekicks, then your life really begins. I think if you were workin' somewhere else, some other district, one with integrity and fairness and really keen on justice, I think you'd find someone who's gonna take ya under their wing and really have your back. Just wish me-n-Mike could set ya up with someone, but I guess ya just gotta leave it to fate, like I did. If it's for ya to fight crime alongside a real superhero like my Mike, you'll get it."

"That's another thing. When you're standin' right next to him, always at his right side, does his coat touch your skin? Do you look at him and just wanna kiss his neck? Does his face just make ya wanna melt?"

"All the above - all the time."


MIKE - Geez, I wonder what the two of them are yakkin' about. Hope it don't take too long, cuz we got some bad guys to bust, and right now. Still, though, I guess ev'rybody needs a break from the beat ev'ry once in a while. I do ask a lot of Eddie, but he's always ready to give. Fumblin' through my pack of Luckies, I was lookin' for the roach of one I stubbed out, but it's gotta couple-a good drags left on it. Can't find it, maybe I tossed it after all. Then somebody calls out to me.

"Hey, Batz, still doin' that film noir thing, huh?"

I look up and it's an old pal of mine, "well, if it ain't Jimmy Mullen! How the heck are ya?"

"Doin' good, can't complain."

"Still catchin' them cheatin' hearts?"

"Yeah, not a bad business. You'd be surprised how many guys are out there buyin' the milk when there's a good cow at home."

"Good cow, maybe that's why."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Marilyn Monroe they ain't but they do keep a roof over my head and a steak in my gut. I admit I wouldn't mind a bit of real action like you two guys got goin'. How's that kid of yours, anyway?"

"Aw, Eddie? Good as ever. Keeps me young, that kinda thing."

"Well, somethin' should - you sure could use some!"

"Some? I got it all, partner, with him, I got it all."

"Yeah, I think I could use some of that, myself. Good kid like him. Sure would make things...int'resting."

"Ah, int'resting. Yeah."

Then it dawns on the two of us we came outta the hospital. Jimmy asked me who I was seein' here. I told him all about Sam, lyin' upstairs, shot pretty bad but comin' out of it.

"He works for the cops, kinda like a secretary, ya know. He gave us some stuff that's gonna put away a couple of crooked cops. Man! Can't wait to nail 'em."

"Ya think he might want a bit of action?"

"Aw, hell, yeah, I can see it in his eyes, sure got a kick outta helpin' us, though. I think he even kinda liked it when he took one for the team - right in the leg."

"Oooh, ouch. Boy I remember gettin' popped there. Not productive. Can't get any gum on your shoe when ya can't put your foot on the ground 'cuz it's got a slug in it."

"True. True. But it might be a while for him, he's gotta do therapy and all that. Hope the Job's givin' him disability, anyway. Who knows how long he's gonna be outta commission."

"What's the kid's name?"

"Sam Levy - up on the fourth floor."

"He okay for visitors?"

"Yeah, but make like ya gotta ask 'im some questions, make like it's a cop matter."

"Gotcha. Oh, uh, what's he look like?"

"Oh, kinda chubby, dark brown hair, cute boyish face. Hell, the kid's only 18."

"Hey, as long as he's legal, man, as long as he's legal."


Well, anyway, that's the long and the short of it for now. Just gotta wait til Eddie finally gets down here so we can get on with the matters at hand. Gonna be quite a haul, ya know, bustin' blue-boys. They shouldn't be blue boys, but they are, just the same. But they will be black-n-blue boys when we get through with 'em. Ya don't dance with the Dashin' Duo and don't get decked.

Talk on ya later, folks, this Lucky's got a couple more good drags to it.

CHAPTER FIFTY FIVE - With a Little Help from Our Friends

OUR HEROES WAKE UP TO DISCOVER THE EVIL ENSNAREMENT IN WHICH THEY'VE BECOME ENVELOPED. EDDIE WAKES UP AND TRIES TO MOVE, BUT DISCOVERS HE CAN'T BECAUSE HIS HANDS AND FEET ARE CHAINED TO EACH OTHER. HE SEES ALL THE TRASH AROUND HIM AND CALLS OUT FOR MIKE, WHO RESPONDS JUST AS HE'S COMING TO.

"Holy waste management! We're in a dumpster! How do we get outta here?"

"It's gonna be kinda tricky, but there is one way!"

"What's that?"

"I keep a universal key inside one of my shoes, in case of emergencies, and boy is this ever one. I know your hands are chained up, but can you move your fingers at all?"

EDDIE - I try movin' my hands a little, there's some slack there.

"Yeah, a little bit. Why?"

"Well, if we can somehow crawl to each other, I can get my feet close enough to your hands, you can undo my shoe and unlock these things."

"Roger"

MIKE - It wasn't easy, but somwhow we managed to crawl toward each other. We were kinda flippin' in and out 'cuz the trash wasn't a steady ground, so we missed each other here and there, but Eddie's hands finally met my feet. Eddie starts undoin' my shoe and finds the universal key I keep in there. After our bout with Dr. Counterfinger, there was no way these felonius fiends would ever overpower us again.

EDDIE - I got the key and started tryin' to undo Mike's bonds first, 'cuz I really couldn't reach my own very good yet. Then when he was undone, I handed him the key and I was freed. Holy chain burns! You'd think that as often as the two of us had this happen to us, that we'd get used to this, but these things give ya killer rashes. After we broke each other free, we were rubbin' our ankles, hands and even our arms, 'cuz of all that stretchin'. So all we had to do was just leap outta this thing, til we discovered it was chained up from the outside.

"Boy oh boy, these guys really mean business. Chainin' us up, then chainin' the dumpster?"

"Doesn't surprise me one darn bit. What does surprise me is they actually went on to become part of this town's finest. A total disgrace. We've got to get them bounced off the force in any way we can."

"You're right, kiddo, God only knows what they've been doin' to innocent citizens, but we're never gonna find out all locked up in here."

"Exactly what they had in mind. Hey, wait a sec. Do ya hear that? Sounds like a garbage truck pickin' this thing up. Let's start bangin' on this."

"Nah, not yet, could be the bad guys layin' out a trap. If it's really a trash pickup, they'll undo the chain first."

MIKE - But my idea was about to go sour. We could hear the chains bein' opened, but we felt the dumpster bein' hooked up to the truck, they were just gonna dump the contents without thinkin' twice about it, so we did start bangin' after all. Luckily, we must've been heard 'cuz we stopped movin'. The lid was open and a garbage guy looked inside and saw the two of us and just sighed,

"Mm-mm-mm - - ain't you white boys got nothin' better to do than to play in garbage?"

"You're right, we're so ashamed of ourselves. Won't happen again."

MIKE - After we were freed we drove back home, changed and showered. We always shower together. The hot water felt so good on our bodies. Me-n-Eddie lathered each other up. I could've rubbed soap on Eddie's pecs and six-pack abs all day. I did his arms and legs next, then spread the lather to his cock, just kept goin' back and forth on it. We both started turnin' hard.

EDDIE - Holy endorphins. Before I lathered up Mike's firm and furry chest, I started lickin' and nibblin' his nipples while I soaped up the rest of him. When he was soapin' up my back, he started makin' love to me. I was sighin' and moanin' it felt so good. Ev'rything felt so good, the hot water, the touch of his flesh, his tongue on my nipples, his nipples in my mouth, his cock inside me. I just loved his hairy bush goin' in and outta me. Anything can happen outside here and it wouldn't matter one darn bit. Our adversaries can torment us all they want, but they're always gonna lose and me-n-Mike will always have each other.

MIKE - We dried each other off, the cool breeze cascadin' around our nude bodies was indescribable, same would go for the towels we used. Eddie wrapped a towel around my back and was kissin' me passionately as we dried each other off. Before we got dressed I couldn't resist sayin' to 'im:

"Well, kiddo, this here's another fine mess we got ourselves out of."

"You're right, as always, but what's our next move?"

"I was thinkin' we could go to the police station and make these guys lives as miserable as we can."

"I like the sound of that thinkin', but ya know, we gotta get more on them than just what they did to me back then. There's nothin' on paper other than I was snortin' coke that night."

"Nothin' on paper that at least we know about, that is."

"Somethin's goin' on. Why all the secrecy? Why would they try to kill us if they weren't hidin' somethin' really big?"

"We're never gonna find out standin' here, as much as I'd love to, but we gotta destroy these guys, even if we gotta kill 'em, and I'm kinda hopin' it come to that."

"Destroy? Mike, take it easy. I've never heard ya talk like this before. Sure, the bad guys gotta pay for their crimes, but..."

[Mike grabs me and stares right into my eyes, veins poppin' outta his neck, his eyes registerin' a mix of pain, heartache, anger. It seemed like he was takin' this harder than I was. It kinda spooked me, but I loved 'im for it, too. It was even turnin' me on]

"It's different now. These guys drove you to wanna kill yourself, and I wanna do the same to them. Those dirtbags put you through a livin' hell, and I won't rest until I've paid them back! Now we're gonna fight like we never fought before! Are ya with me?"

I was feelin' his fever - I wanted vengeance, too. How dare they do this to me? I was just as mad as he was - even worse.

I stared right in his eyes and growled, "let's do it!"

MIKE - We sped off to the police station. When we pulled up, Eddie was so hot for some action and was about to leap outta the car, but I had to hold 'im back for a sec.

"Easy, easy, boy. Have the anger but don't show it, save your strength for when we meet up with these scumbags."

"Gosh, you're right, what'll we do in the meantime?"

"Just breathe a little. Then we'll walk in all calm and cool, like. This is a cop house, there's bound to be a lotta them around. This is a totally diff'rent kinda enemy."

"Holy friendly fire"

"You said it, kiddo. Now just follow my lead - calm and cool, and we'll nail 'em later."

We walked in and saw a kid behind the counter. Must've been a civilian aide, or somethin'. He looks up for a sec and says, "be right with you, gentleman", then his eyes went back down, but shot right back up.

"Holy Toledo! The Dashin' Duo!"

I says to Eddie, "nice to know we've got a fan base up here."

Eddie says to the kid, "okay, now that you know who we are, who are you?"

"Sam Levy. I'm a Records Clerk here. Not really a cop, but we still wear the uniform, anyways. This is a real treat to meet you guys. Hopefully I can help you with something?"

"As a matter of fact, you can. We're lookin' into activities of ill repute perpetrated by three officers named Murphy, Shaughnessey and Wilczek."

The clerk sighed, grimaced like he'd just taken a slug and bowed his head, put it back up to look at us and says, "all right, what'd they do now?"

Eddie says, "whatcha mean?"

"Okay, look, now this is just between us three here, see? They got jackets the sizes of parkas, or at least they did, officially, that is."

"Officially?"

"Yeah, it's been a real pattern around here. Seems they got in with the boss-man 'round here. They pull a stunt, get chewed out to make for appearances, then the boss always orders their records expunged. Now, that's officially. See, I'm the guy that enters all that stuff into their databases, but when I was ordered to expunge it all, I secretly printed it all out and kept a hard copy, even though it's not on the system anymore."

"Good God! Like what?"

"Kinda hot to handle 'round here. Tell ya what. I was about to take off for a break. I always keep the papers in my car outside just in case. Since these were all printed off database screens, it shows all the dates and times, and all. Anyway, you might wanna wait for me outside, I gotta get my relief. When ya see me take off, follow me and meet me."

Me-n-Eddie kinda looked at each other, like is this guy on the up-n-up. We weren't sure, but we had to follow what ever kinda lead there might be, so we waited for 'im. He pops out a few minutes later, sees us in our car, nods to us, and we see him get in his car, and take off behind him. He pulls into a diner some couple of miles away and gets out with the guys' jackets under his arm.

"This is it, guys, I've waited a long time for this. Racial profiling, accepting bribes, bein' drunk on duty, clockin' in, stayin' long enough to get into uniform, then leavin' for the day - the boss had me clock out for them in their names lots of times, I ask is that ethical, and he goes off on me. I ask myself why he'd get all bent outta shape like that, ya know? They must have somethin' on him."

Eddie asks him, "you think they get 'im drugs from busts and stuff?"

"That'd be no surprise. He's been actin' awful nuts since those guys started here."

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE COP HOUSE - THE DESK SERGEANT WALKS UP TO LEVY'S DESK AND SEES HIS RELIEF SITTING THERE INSTEAD.

"Hey, Smitty - Levy take off already?"

"Yeah, he's on his break. I guess he went off to meet a couple of friends or somethin' 'cuz I saw him talking to a couple of guys."

"Heh-heh - man, if that guy's got friends, there's gotta be somethin' screw-loose about 'em."

"I dunno, they looked pretty normal to me. I know it's kinda warm out, but some middle aged-guy was wearin' a hat and a heavy-lookin' trenchcoat"

THE DESK SERGEAT TURNS PALE AND MUTTERS "DAMN IT! BATZ"

"And the other guy, I think it's his kid or somethin', looked kinda jittery, kept wringin' his hands. What's that about?"

"Robinson - those bastards up here."

"Uh, what's the matter?"

"What? Oh...nothing I can't handle from here. You're sayin' you saw all-a them together?"

"Yeah, I think Levy said to meet him somewhere. Is he in trouble, do ya think?"

"Do I think? Hell, I know it. More than that little pipsqueak bargained for. Just keep yer nose clean, there, Smitty, I'm on this one. Pull up the Lo-Jack database on Levy's car, would ya?"

"Sure."

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE DINER A COUPLE OF MILES AWAY

"Sometimes they even use the Sarge's apartment for gosh knows what. I don't wanna know what goes on in there. He had me make copies of his apartment keys which I always keep on my chain."

Eddie is amazed, "Holy Dwayne Schneider!"


I'm goin' over the stuff he brought with 'im and just lovin' ev'rything I'm readin'. "Good Mother of Christ, this is really good dirt. This'll put 'em away for years, coupled with the stuff we already know ourselves. By the time they get outta the pokey, they'll remember how to do it, but they won't remember why. Levy, this was damn good work. I can't measure how much ya helped us today."

"Aw, gee, guys, it was nothin'. I'm just honored I could do somethin' for ya. You probably heard this too many times, but I read about you guys a lot and I think you're really swell."

Eddie blushes and I say, "Kid, you can never hear that too many times."

Eddie says to him, "as ya know, our line of work is pretty thankless for the most part, so it's good to run into guys like you out there who are behind us."

Me-n-Eddie both shake hands with him and I say, "consider yerself a friend of Batz & Robinson. You're too good a boy to work in that shit station. Hey, Eddie, maybe we oughta mosey, get our next plan of action together. Levy, ya better give us a head start, it might not be safe to be seen next to us."

"Gotcha!"

Me-n-Eddie take off with the creepy cops' copied jackets, then we see Levy headin' out, we parked our car a couple-a yards from his so as to not be suspicious. As we watched him walk out, I was teasin' Eddie a little.

"So, whatcha think - kinda cute, huh?"

"Yeah, in a sorta teddy bear kinda way."

"How d'ya think he'd look in a Robin costume?"

"MIKE!"

"Think of it, kiddo. He could kinda be like our Batgirl."

"Of course, that was only outta desperation when they needed ratings, which by the way they did not get!"

"Yeah, but we're doin' it right - it's a guy, not some stupid smart-ass chick!"

"MI-I-IKE!"

"Aw, come on, ev'rybody needs a little help now and then."

Then Eddie held his ears and started singin' real loud, "O - KLA - HOMA where the wind comes sweepin' down the plains!"

"Uh, don't give up the day, job, kiddo."

Then I see a squad car pull up and a cop with a shotgun comes flyin' out of it.

"Wow, there's a robbery inside!"

Worse, the cop's yellin' at Levy to get his hands up - he's pointin' the shotgun at HIM! We leap out to try to protect 'im! We run up and snatch him juast as the gunfire starts goin' off!

"Let's getcha to our car - it's bullet-proof!"

We run with the poor kid with bullets ricochetin' ev'rywhere, Eddie in front, me in back - but just as we reach our car, Levy screams and goes down! We're not hit, though, and shove him in the backseat and slam the doors shut. Eddie gets in back with him. The kid was shot near the ankle. Not a bad wound, but it still hurt like the dickens. Levy was screamin' and poundin' his good leg with his other hand. Eddie grabs ahold of him and tells him to hit his leg instead.

"Do it to me - take your pain out on me - I know what you're goin' through!"

"You're not the one who got shot - it was me!"

"I been there a million times, but I always come out of it - you will, too. We just gotta getcha taken care of."

"Oh, GOD, Eddie!"

He put his head on Eddie's shoulder, cryin' into it. He just kept poundin' Eddie's leg and squeezin' it and screamin'. Eddie held onto him, tryin' to comfort him. I see Eddie givin' me a look of concern in the rear-view mirror as I sped to the hospital. Poor kid, looks like he came right outta school and into all this. I bet he's not even 18 yet.

"This is just some desk job, I didn't think this would ever happen."

"Well, ya do work for the police department. Too bad it was one of your own."

"Holy friendly FIRE! OW!"

[Well, whaddya know about them apples - another boy wonder. Sure did look the part. Young kid, smooth, silky, shiny chestnut hair, perfectly parted. The sleeves of the summer uniform shirt rolled up to look even shorter. Nice arms on 'im, too. With that medal of honor sittin' in his foot right now, he's gonna bear the mark of a veteran. He's in it pretty deep now, whether he knows it or not. In uniform, he just assisted in an investigation and took one for the team. I was only teasin' Eddie back there, there's no way we'd become the too-sexy-trio. Me-n-Eddie's into the clean stuff. But the boy is sure headed for doin' good things in this field. He's just gotta get away from where he is now.]

We pull into the hospital parkin' lot and I go runnin' out, grabbin' a paramedic, "we got a Police Civilian Aide in the back seat, shot up pretty bad - he needs help right away!"

The paramedic starts treatin' him, then he calls for a stretcher and the kid is wheeled into the trauma unit. Me-n-Eddie speak to registration and get the kid checked in and go sit in the waitin' room. This boy was hit on our watch and he's gonna walk outta this on his own two feet in the same way - on our watch. Meanwhile, the dirt we got on them scumbags is gonna be put to some real good use pretty soon. You just wait and see. In the next chapter, that is.

CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR - Vengeance is Mine, Sayeth the Batz

MIKE - The session in Fletch's office gave me exactly what I needed - and more. I now had the truth, as Eddie was always afraid to remember. To be kidnapped, sexually degraded, and forced to ingest a dangerous drug, only to be set-up for expulsion from the police academy, the end of his life-long dream, introduced to a life of desparation, leading up to contemplation of suicide. I'd always worn the coat when I was on the case, but this time Eddie needed it more than I did. Poor boy was still cold, still feeling the affect of the hypnosis. Now his secret was out. Losin' his dream was the price he had to pay for doin' the right thing, and that was not the right thing at all. That's where I come in. He needed a hero to avenge the wrong brought down on him. He didn't deserve this.

Back to the Academy we went. Eddie had to face the administration who brought 'im down. We walked into the office. We had a score to settle.

"Good afternoon, I'm Detective Batz, this is my partner, Detective Robinson."

"Robinson?"

"yeah"

"You were once a cadet at this institution, am I correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"After what you pulled, you have the temerity to show your face on these grounds? I thought I had you expelled. You really have some nerve coming back here. Please don't tell me you've enlisted this gentleman to try to get you back in. It's men like you we try to keep off the streets."

I had to intervene. "Wait a minute, hold ev'rything here. We have ample reason to believe that Detective Robinson was set up for expulsion."

"Oh, I see, that's what he told you?"

"That's exactly what he told me."

"How do you know he's not lying to you?"

"I have my ways." [The hypnosis thing was none of this dirt-bag's business]

"I also have names - how do the names Murphy, Shaughnessey and Wilczek grab ya, huh?"

"I'm afraid I have no time for such foolishness. Now, Eddie, you..."

"It's Detective Robinson to you."

[Good one, kiddo]

"Detective Robinson?" [a slight chuckle from this sleaze-ball] "so when did you go ahead and do that?"

"I assisted my partner in a struggle with some crooks who were tryin' to do 'im in. He saw my potential as a crimefighter and took me on in his practice. Under his tutelage I took the detective's exam and passed with flyin' colors, obtainin' my license. I'm now a full-fledged Private Investigator."

"So, then, what brings you here?"

MIKE - I intervened, "my partner couldn't live with the secrets anymore, he came clean with me and spilled all the beans about what happened. Officer, with all due respect, when he was randomly positively tested for drugs in his system, you never did get all the facts. My partner felt he had to honor the Code of Silence, that unwritten rule among Police Officers, or those who had aspired to such a life."

"To be fair, this young man had reported a few cadets for misbehavior and they were reprimanded. His story checked out and the three were briefly suspended, but they had learned their lesson and had gone on to be fine cadets as well as, I believe, fine police officers."

"It may shock you to hear that these fine little mopes were responsible for the substance appearin' in his bloodstream. His life was threatened, he feared for his safety after they concluded he was the one who brought their misbehavior to your attention. This cannot go unpunished. I want any and all info ya got on these crumbs a.s.a.p."


The Director wasn't too pleased with what I had to say, but kinda resigned to it. He saw how relentless we were. We weren't gonna let this go on any further. We didn't take no for an answer.

"Such as?"

"The districts they're assigned to, addresses, things like that. I know places like these have mailing lists, whaddaya call yer alumni newsletters. I want you to take us to these three guys. Law enforcement is the most noble profession there is and my partner has more nobility in his fingernail than these three dopes have in their entire bodies. They don't deserve to be on The Job. If they so badly abuse a fellow cadet, God only knows what they might be doin' to innocent citizens."

"Well, if you wish, I can tell you that all three were assigned to the same precinct and I can direct you to the House. I'll even put you in touch with the Desk Sergeant, but he won't disclose a thing to you. There is a Code of Silence as you mentioned. Perhaps if young Mr. Robinson...."

"I told you it's Detective."

The Director drew a heavy sigh.

"...DETECTIVE Robinson. If you had only abided by the Code of Silence. I still believe you reported your fellow cadets to throw us off the scent of your drug problem."

Seein' as this is goin' absolutely nowhere, "all right, ya said you'd put us in touch with the Desk Sergeant at their precinct."

"I said I COULD, not would. Now, if you'll excuse me, I really have no more time for this foolishness. These locked cabinets you see before you house all updated alumni information, and that is exactly where they'll remain. Now, good day, gentlemen."

Holy Sweet Mother of Crap, now what? Me-n-Eddie turn on our heels and walk out. When we closed the door behind us, Eddie instinctively looked behind him. He spotted the Academy Director opening up one of the file drawers with the combination. He peered closely.

"34 LEFT - 6 RIGHT - 19 LEFT"

"Jeez, you can see that good?"

"Yeah, if only we could get in there somehow, when he's not lookin'."

"Eddie, you're a genius, but that'd be breakin' and enterin'."

Eddie realized where his head was goin', but held back and realized it'd be the wrong thing to do.

"We're absolutely stymied, Boss-Man."

"Which is exactly why we're comin' back here later on."

"You mean...?"

"Uh-huh. Now, we're here to investigate a crime, a serious one. Defamation of character, forcibly poisonin' a guy's system with illicit drugs, kidnappin', several counts of assault. The end justifies the means, my boy. Those jerks are goin' DOWN! C'mon, let's roll."

OUR HEROES HAVE NO IDEA THEY'RE BEING OBSERVED PLOTTING THEIR NEXT MOVE! WHAT ON EARTH IS THE FATE THAT DOES AWAIT?

Hours later, we're back at the old stand. All the doors are locked for the night. We skulk around for somethin', anything, to find a way in, an open window, a door someone forgot to lock. We see a row of windows leadin' to the basement. Holy Eureka, one of them is open. We crawl in, creep quietly around the place. It's lights out - don't think anyone's around at this time of night. We get back to the Director's office. Eddie may've been slick and saw the combination bein' open, but I had a trick or two up my sleeve, too. The ol' credit card trick. I know these kinds of locks, the type that ya push a button on the inside of the door to either lock it or keep it open. I slide a credit card through the slot and somehow manage to press the button to unlock the office door. Me-n-Eddie sidle in and very quietly, gently close the door and creep over to the file cabinet. I give Eddie a flashlight outta my tool belt so he can see what he's doin' with the combination lock. The drawer pops open. We see a folder marked "alumni - 2005"

"Bingo! It's them!"

Eddie goes through the papers inside and sees that not only were they assigned to the same precinct, but they also live at the same house.

"Gosh, how weird is that?"

"Hey, ya never know. Me-n-you live at the same address, and, well, ya know..."

"Ya think they could be, uh, together?"

"Wouldn't doubt it. Better write down their stats."

"Gotcha".

Eddie jots down their address and the number of the precinct house. I whisper to him, "we gotta get out the same way we got in. Okay, let's roll."

We creep outta the office and were on our way back to the basement window so we could get the hell outta here. That's the last thing I remember for a while, 'cuz me-n-Eddie got hit in the back of the head and fell over, passed out.

SOMEONE LURKING AROUND THE CORNER, SPYING ON THE DELICIOUS DUO, CONKED THEM BOTH ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD. AN ACCOMPLICE HELPED BY PICKING UP ONE OF THE BODIES AND DRAGGING THEM OUT. THE TWO OF THEM TALKED ABOUT DISPOSAL. AND DO I MEAN DISPOSAL!

THE FIENDS DRAG THEM TO AN ALLEY, UNDO A PADLOCK HOLDING A CHAIN ACROSS THE OPENING OF A DUMPSTER, CUFF THEIR HANDS BEHIND THEIR BACKS, SHACKLE THEIR LEGS AND CHAIN THEIR HANDS TO THEIR FEET, WRAP THE CHAIN AROUND THE DUMPSTER AGAIN, AND TOOK OFF, KNOWING FULL WELL THE NEXT DAY WOULD BE TRASH DAY, AND OUR HEROES WERE UP AGAINST THE POSSIBILITY OF BEING MANGLED, MUNCHED AND MASHED INSIDE A TRASH COMPACTOR.

TO READ HOW THEY GET OUTTA THIS MESS - OR AT LEAST IF THEY GET OUTTA THIS MESS, READ ON, READ ON, READ ON - THE ANSWER'S AT THE END.